I couldn't hold it in, I had to let Fooling know about that. I had to tell him that his dumbheaded time traveller had fucked again without condom.
- It was just once.
- That's make me feel a lot better.
- I know, I couldn't help it. All went so fast and the only organ that worked perfectly fine wasn't my brain.
- You know that you may get pregnant. We should put off the mission and...
- Forgive me. Lately I don't know what's wrong with me.
- You assured me everything was fine. Are you hiding me something else?
- I'm not, really. It won't happen again. From now on I will always have a condom sewn to my panties.
- I don't want you lose your control with Freddie, Black.
- Can't you see what you are asking me? It's easier saying than doing it. I can't rope Freddie.
- I don't want to marry him, for Christ's sake. And of course I don't want you get pregnant of him although that child would be amazingly good looking. That's for sure.
I don't know why I blushed proudly at these words although it was a clear scolding. How would look like our child? I was sure it would have big and black eyes and plump lips.
- I didn't even tell you to have sex with him to control him, Black.
- Oh, alright. I would be the first one I wouldn't but it's really hard to resist Freddie...
- I don't care how many times you fuck him as long as that doesn't put our goal in danger. But please, be wise. You can't lose your head like this.
Every day in 1974 was fifteen minutes in 2020. Each fifteen minutes more or less depending on my state, he received a report from my adventures. You didn't have to be very shrewd to infer from my words, although I always tried to be as objective as I could, my mission was changing me.
Everything was getting complicated between Freddie and I. Helplessly I felt how the circle of fire was enclosed me and so far the flames allowed me to jump out of it. But I didn't know what would happen when the flames were higher and I would be trapped on them.
After a show Freddie use to need at least a couple of hours to land again the real world. The catharsis of a live show, the intensity of those forty five minutes giving it all, sometimes required a reappraisal. Each one handled a different way although essentially it was the same. It was like coming back from another purely emotional world and having to return to the real one in which there was a lot of other things.
Of course, I was taking part of that wheel in permanent speeding. But at the end of the show I was another fan. Really I was like any other girl that clearly could bring her Lp to sign it. Nevertheless I had been through too many things in that crazy and suicidal mission. I hadn't anyone, just those four wonderful but egomaniacs, selfish musicians with larger than life personalities. I had an urgent need to express all my frustrations, fears, to scare away the loneliness. I missed my life. With its firm basis and reliable people. I was always walking a tightrope and that broke my mould and didn't let me think clearly.
The doors, that's for sure, were always open wide to the excess. If I want to be with Freddie and keep and eye on him, that's the price to pay. Getting into that spiral of drugs and alcohol.
I was always rejecting the various offers to having a good time with ilegal substances. I grabbed a glass in my hands so as to do the right thing but I managed that glass lasted all night. I never got drunk, I must be sober to have a clear vision of what happened around me.
The party in the room after the show was like any other party before. Every night after the show I was fiercely in love with the band and moments after climbing off the stage, they turned into a sort of zombies. After discharging their rush of adrenaline on stage, they must get to normal off stage.
- Here. The last lines of the night.
I looked up from my glass to watch the little tray with two perfectly made lines of coke. I didn't even know the guy who was giving them to me.
I denied with a gesture not keeping my eyes off Freddie. The coke made you talkative and he talked all the time sprawling over the coach, gesticulating and covering his mouth before each laughter.
There wasn't much money to pay for drugs but around the bands there was always that sort of ways to escape which someone randomly provided without complex.
When you're deciding consciously staying out of that madness and around you the only thing you see is people having a great time, the feeling is horrible. I just wanted someone to wrap an arm around my shoulders and assured me I was doing fine. And nobody told me so.
And I was standing with my bourbon glass with which I wet my lips and chain smoked passing time.
A girl who with luck was 18 years old, practiced her ballet moves before the watchful gaze of John who clapped enthusiastically with a cigarette on his lips. Roger was also with a girl. They chatted cheerfully till she took off her t-shirt and stood with her naked breast out. They kept talking as relaxed as earlier on, smoking and drinking. Brian had a girl lying down over his zip while the former grabbed his own wild mop of curls, panting. And Freddie kept chatting among a very mixed group of people. His zip was untouched and free, I didn't know for how long.
We didn't even talk one word and he didn't look at me once. I was invisible for all of them because I stubbornly wanted this way. The self-imposed isolation was taking its toll. I left my bourbon glass unfinished and strode out to my room crying.
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The hangover after the show in Portland would lock them down in their rooms most of the day. 29th april 1974. They didn't play till 1st in Harrisburg. The free day was used to sleep and rest before the next day we would be back to the awful bus to spend 8 hours travelling to the next stop.
I went to discover the town. From the incident with Hoople roadies, the boys forbade me to go out alone but well, the boys today were out of service. And I needed going out the four walls because I was about to lose my mind.
The shield of the town pictured a Phoenix arising from the ashes. You could read Resurgam "I'm arising again" in latin. Seemingly the town had recovered from four important fires. Would it be a signal? Could I be like that town and recovering no matter how many fires appear?
It was a small and easy town to walking around in depth. It had a lot of beautiful victorian buildings and a big port. There was a cold sea wind which slapped powerfully my hair and face. The cold suited me fine. It woke up my numb senses.
Since so long I hadn't lost the track of time. I returned to the hotel almost getting dark and I wanted to sleep better than last night after all the miles walking around the town.
- Are you doing this on purpose?
Going to my room I bumped into Freddie, there standing with his arms folded and sulphurous sparks in his eyes. How could he look so good after the party? I hated his amazing nature.
- I don't know what are you talking about -I said opening the door.
- Going out, fuck. Don't do it again, we were worried -he followed me inside.
- I'm starting to get tired of your worries at the wrong time. Maybe it was yesterday when I needed you worried about me. Today I'm just fine.
- What happened after the show?
- None of you hadn't a bloody clue of what I was doing or where I was in your haze of drugs and alcohol. As far as you concerned last night they could be choping me up into pieces and you wouldn't find out.
- Didn't you attend the party? I think you did.
- Did I?
- Oh, yeah. You are angry because I didn't pay you attention. Is that so, mousy? -he was going to hold me in his arms with a smile.
- Get away.
- Too many people wanted to speak to me and I needed to talk too. I needed to have fun. We had a great time. Why didn't you?
- Because in my vocabulary neither the alcohol nor the drugs are synonymous of fun.
- Oh, come on. You are too young to talk this way. There's no harm using those things.
- Of course there's a harm.
- Look at me, do I look so bad after last night?
- That's what you want, don't you? You want I look at you constantly, your gestures, your features, your voice as my only interest.
- No, darling, no. I just want you having fun.
- Well then I don't know why you are so pissed off just because I took a stroll around the town. To me that's having fun.
- A four hours stroll?
- Not four hours. I've been out since eight in the morning, around 12 hours, yeah.
- 12 horas walking around this village?
- It's not a village, it's a town. It has more than 30.000 inhabitants. And in fact I've done more things than walking around.
- Really?
- I've seen lighthouses, ships, parks, the ocean extended till out of my sight. I've seen one mother milking her son and an old man reading the paper while he smoked his pipe. And most of all, I've been thinking a lot.
- You've been on your own all day. What a boring day.
I laughed at last, moved. I knew perfectly that marked trait in Freddie. He hated the loneliness and he couldn't understand it was healing to me.
- But what's the difference with regard last night? I also was alone among all these people.
- I don't want you to be alone -he fixed his eyes on me and he seemed totally honest and with his defences down.
- Well you're doing your best to be this way.
- Me? -he pointed out to himself his already big eyes wide open.
- Freddie, the truth is I'm exhausted...
- No wonder, after walking around like a feria wheel. You are a haunting character, did you know that?
- You're very witty today.
- Darling, I was waiting for you for two things. To scolding you to defying us and doing what you like and to celebrate.
- What are you celebrating?
- We are celebrating. The disc have climbed up to top 10 in England. Well, more precisely number 5 -he couldn't help saying with the pride spilling over his glowing eyes.
- Really? That's magnificent.
- It is. EMI is so happy that they have released again our first LP. It has already climbed to number 24.
- My God, what some excellent news...
Freddie didn't let me speak squeezing me in his arms and kissing me all the time. He went on my neck and arms. I started to disconnect my neuronal circuit helplessly. That way of kissing... He stared at me smiling with a knee bending on the floor playing with the elastic of my waist pants.
- We gotta celebrate. I want to invite you to dinner. My plans wasn't eating you... well, maybe later if I make room.
His smile of pure joy was breathtaking and I couldn't avoid joining with my smile.
- What a smile you have -he mumbled standing up again and putting his mouth over mine-. Stop it or else I'm taking out the carving knife.
I burst into laughter. It was a refreshing, new feeling. It's been so long since my throat didn't reverberate like this. Only he could get it. So easily as pushing me into the most and absolute despair.
- Come on. What are you waiting for? Put something on. You have ten minutes.
Ten minutes suited me fine but women must know several basic things to get ready to get out some restaurant.
- We aren't going to eat a sandwich at the corner pub, are we?
- Darling, what do you take me for?
- A musician with no cent on his pockets.
- I'm not celebrating one number 5 with a sandwich. It will be a good restaurant. You got 8 minutes left. I won't forgive you not one minute.
The white dress which Mary recovered for me seemed to me a right choice. It gave me a lot of luck and I always felt I needed some more.
Freddie gripped my hand tightly and whisked me off through several corridors I'd never been. The truth is we were outside the hotel by a different exit.
- But what about this alley? Have the success gone straight to your head and now you have to go out by the back door?
- You reckon? This alley rather looks like the place where they throw the drunks -he laughed.
Freddie and I weren't together and in no way we fucked. That's the oficial version and Freddie liked that way. He prefer that Roger didn't know it. He protected him, not our sort of relation. Therefore, all must be done at the most secrecy.
You couldn't say that I was happier than they were about their triumph but I do lived it with an undeniable intensity. After being in Queen world almost one month I could regard myself included in the batch to a certain extent. I was so hungry that the plan of going out to dinner it seemed to me the number one of the plans. Hugo's was an elegant and pleasant place specialized in oysters. There was 16 specialities and we tasted so many and with so many different and delicious sauces that my palate exploded with happiness. I licked my fingers clean and Freddie, scolding me for not using the napkin like a civilized girl, decided to clean them up with his tongue. I couldn't take my eyes off him and just when he considered appropiate told me with serious face:
- We're leaving now.
- Now?
- Now. You've just left the restaurant with no oysters.
I made a mocking face wrinkling my nose.
- Waiter, the bill, please -he indicated him quickly.
Freddie underneath the table dragged my chair nearer his. He sneaked his left hand under my dress and his nails touched my knee. I spread slightly my legs and he started to draw circles on the inner side of my thighs. I put into my hand below the table with intention to cooperating the advance of the troop.
- Let go my hand -Freddie ordered very serious-. I have plenty of skill to manage myself.
I drew apart my hand absolutely self-conscious by his warning although very aroused by his voice and disaproving glance.
Then the waiter came along and I smiled delighted. Manage yourself with your right hand, love.
- Isn't it too much money? Are you sure had you added together well? -Freddie complained looking at the bill.
While Freddie argued with the waiter the different concepts captured there I felt his index finger rubbing the lace of my panties. I grabbed with both hands my chair trying to calm myself down. He pushed aside the fabric and now slid into a second finger.
- Ahhhh...
It was unconscious, a sigh escaped me and both, the waiter and he looked at me.
- Darling, are you ok? -he asked pretending to be worried. Asshole.
I was one million light years away from being ok. Bastard. I wanted to die. Freddie was moving his fingers frantic flicking my clit and the waiter kept explaining where every amount came from.
I tried to get out that situation offering gladly to pay if it was a scandalous amount but just when I started to speak, I thought I must haven't been so impulsive. The sentences didn't come from me naturally.
- Do you wa... want me to ahhhh, to pay?
- Of course not, my dear. Hang on just a minute.
He slid into a third finger and I knew I was dangerously on the edge. Two bottles of white wine and oysters. What the hell was he looking at? At last he was satisfied and he paid him.
- Correct, gentleman -the waiter said goodbye still not understanding a thing, I suspect.
By then I had my head sunk at the edge of the table so the waiter couldn't see my expression. Suddenly his fingers disappeared from my slit.
- You don't have more audience than me, my love -he whispered.
I lifted up my head to see his hand covering his huge and shameless smile. He rearranged delicately my panties into its place and I puffed in anger.
- You are a bastard, a fucking and absolute bastard.
- And you are beautiful so blushed like a little sitting hen -he said licking his wet three fingers, shamelessly.
- Wanker. I've been about to cum in front of that waiter.
- I'm very proud of your self-control. Good girl. Now let's get out of here.