The following day we wake up for university my alarm blasting out and invading the peacefulness of the room, I turn it off. I face him in bed and he smiles.
"Morning" he says.
"Morning baby" I kiss him.
He smiles and his eyes shimmer with happiness, he holds onto me not wanting to let me go and shower.
After a lot of cuddles, and kissing, I leave the warm bed and head to the shower. I stand under it and let it massage my back. I use my new moisturiser and perfume once I'm out. I dry my hair and put on makeup. I'm wearing my maroon jumper dress and leather jacket. Gotta look good to feel confident around Jay or he will tear into me. Embarrass me in front of everybody including myself.
I head downstairs to Matty who is making coffee and toast.
He's set out my breakfast on the table. I thank him and tuck in. He joins me and smiles seeing me clearing my plate.
"I can make more food baby" he suggests.
"No that's a myth, I'm not getting fat Matty" I say.
He looks at me adoringly.
"Adorable." He sighs. Laughing.
"We'll get lunch together okay, take a snack too" he suggests. I pop a cereal bar in my handbag, and two bottles of water.
"You look radiant" he says smiling.
I laugh and clear the table so that we don't come back to a mess. As I'm searching through my bag to check that I have everything he puts his arms around me and I smile. He kisses me passionately.
"I've literally got double psychology. This is the worst thing that could happen after having sex in the same room as them" I say.
"I'm sorry I should have stopped us" he says brushing my lips again, this seems like the perfect opportunity to ask him about it all.
"Did you know they came in?" I ask openly.
"I didn't know, I suspected somebody came in but I assumed whoever it was left when they realised we were there. Then once we had finished I saw Jay across the room" he says.
I smile at him.
We grab our things and he carries my bag to the car. I laugh telling him I can carry my own stuff.
I don't want to say goodbye to him, after the weekend it's always harder, we spend all of our time together and being apart is difficult. I hug him in the parking lot my head buried in his chest. He kisses my forehead and tells me he'll see me at lunch in the canteen.
Once I get to psychology Jay is already there and thankfully he's sitting with Jane near the front. I ignore him, completely I will not even go over to him. I sit in my normal seat alone, shrug off my jacket and put it on his chair. I get everything out that I need and read the email about our special double lecture. The first 2 hours are normal note taking sessions on new topics and the last 2 hours are focused on our group work. Gonna have to face him. As I look up he turns around from looking at me and I sigh. That's not going to be easy, I would rather pretend he doesn't exist.
"Hey" Ross says sitting down next to me.
I turn to face him and hug him. He laughs not expecting my enthusiasm.
"I'm gonna be off more often" he laughs.
"If that's the response I get" he adds.
"How did you manage getting here" I ask.
"I drove the car, I don't need that leg to drive." He says smiling.
I smile back at him and hug him again. I'm so happy he's here, he makes me feel safe and comfortable again. And I know I don't have to face the next 4 hours alone.
I glance at him and smile again. I can't help myself.
"This is a good day huh? He moved seats finally" Ross says.
"Yes." I glance at Jay. He's got his arm around Jane.
"But remember our group work?" I say explaining that the second session will be in groups.
"We can change our groups ?" He laughs.
"I dunno let's see how it plays out" I say back to him.
I take his hand in my own when the lecture starts and squeeze it lightly. I could start crying, I'm so happy to have him back. Having him there has reminded me how much I missed him. I go to pull my hand away but he keeps it. He strokes my hand and I feel relaxed and happy. He glances down at me and smiles. His kind eyes looking at my own.
On the break we stretch our legs heading outside. He offers me a cigarette but I refuse telling him I've quit. He smiles at me.
Once we're out we walk over to the side of the building.
"Ross I missed you, when you were in hospital" I say to him.
He hugs me, his arms wrapping around me. I lean into him breathing out a sigh of relief. Then I pull myself away.
"I missed you more than anything" he says looking down into my eyes his hands still placed just above my hips.
Why do they all have to be so shockingly beautiful? For a second I think he's going to kiss me. He deliberates and decides not too. I cast my eyes down, leaning against the building.
"Incoming" he says. I glance over and see Jay and Jane walking over to us.
"Fucks sake" I say.
"We can head back in" Ross suggests putting some distance between us.
"Okay that's a plan, just say hi and then we'll go" I say smiling at him.
Jay stands opposite me next to Ross.
"Hey, Tay" Jane says. She isn't a nasty person, and I feel bad but she just annoys me instantly.
"Hey" I say looking down at the floor.
"Can I join your group by the way?" She asks.
I look to Ross. Let him decide.
"I'm not sure ?" He stutters
"We we're actually thinking about working in a pair" Ross adds.
"That way you two can work together, plus it will be easier for meet ups" he says.
Jay eyes me and I refuse to look at him.
"It doesn't have to be awkward" she mutters under her breath.
"What is wrong with you? It's totally fucking awkward. Because you just made it awkward by drawing attention to it." I say and instantly regret it.
I breathe out and count in my head. I do that when I'm stressed or angry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. But no we cannot work together" I say and then I walk away.
Ross catches up with me. And I walk back with him into the building.
He doesn't say anything we just go and sit back down. For another hour of note taking.
"You wanna tell me what's going on" Ross asks before the lecture begins.
"At the party they came in when me and Matty were upstairs doing something I would rather they didn't see" I say.
"Now I feel like really self conscious because he's seen me naked" I say quietly.
"Let alone what I was doing at the time" I say.
"I understand" he says and he looks annoyed.
"That's not on Tay" he adds.
The lecture starts and Ross holds onto my hand again. I begin to wonder how I'm ever going to have boundaries around him.
The problem is me, I know that. And if he didn't behave like this around me I would miss him. I'm sure of that because of how much I missed him when he was in hospital. The fact that I'm pregnant with Matty's child is making me an emotional wreck. I feel like I need the world to just stop.
The lecture continues and I switch on speech to text again. I sit back in my chair and zone out. It's lunch next and I can't wait for it. Im so hungry again. Already. Even dancing all day never got me this hungry.
At the end Jane approaches me. I swear to God this one does not get the hint.
"Im sorry Tay, I didn't mean to make things weird between us" she says.
"That's okay I'm sorry too. Im just in a mood and I wasn't totally fair ignore me" I say and smile. There we go, bitchy Tay has left.
I look at Jay in the eyes for the first time and then swiftly grab my things to go.
Ross is tense the whole way to the canteen and I yearn to comfort him but I don't because I'm trying not too touch him anymore.
Matty's sitting down at our sofas and I smile over at him. I see blondie, I still don't know her name, opposite him and my smile vanishes. Not because I think he's like that, but because it's yet another annoying blonde for me to contend with. Man I am grumpy today.