Panting heavily, I jerked awake, feeling all around my neck for the hand that had been squeezing the life out of me. It wasn't there. It was a nightmare, no one had been trying to kill me. I was still within the four corners of my dimly lit room, safe from all murderers out there.
My poor heart slowly returned back to rhythm, waiting quietly for another attack from either my nightmares or anyone who thought it would be funny to startle me. I climbed down from my bed, knowing that I couldn't go back to sleep.
Today's nightmare was more vivid than the other ones I was used to having, though it was the same dream. People would walk into our house, shove a knife down Dad's throat, do the same to Mom and proceed with choking me until I woke up. Marilyn was never in them though, and it was relief. Dealing with Mom and Dad's 'death' time and time again was already more than enough trauma for me.
It was funny though, how often I'd had the dream, gotten accustomed to it, yet I wake up startled every night, even screaming sometimes. I'd ended up starting to push my wardrobe behind the door before going to sleep, not wanting to disturb Mom and Marilyn's sleep. They'd had enough already, I couldn't bear to add to it.
I pushed my wardrobe out of the way and back to it's designated spot. Then I opened the door, finding my way to my first stop which was always Mom's room. Though she was unconscious, the doctor had warned that she might be hearing us so I had to be careful with noise around her. I didn't cry beside her either, I don't want her dying from a heartbreak before she woke up from her coma.
I creaked open the door to her room gently, turning on the table lamp on my way. There she was, at the center of the room, all sorts of life support systems tied to her. Seeing her sometimes made me tear up, but when I started cleaning her up and making a one-sided conversation, I feel better. It's like she's there somehow, she's listening and she's soothing me.
I checked the time on the small table clock she used to love, setting to work right after. It was four AM, right around the time my days usually started. One of the reasons I never really considered my nightmares to be a curse was because they always woke me up, that too at the right time every single day. How could I be angry at that? Though I wasn't a sleeper, I could bet my pinky I would've missed four AM a couple of times.
I started by cleaning out her drainage bag, the doctor said it should always be the first thing I did. The bag was supposed to be cleaned out at least thrice a day, but since I was only chanced twice, I had to be snappy about it. I was mostly busy during the day, night times and early mornings were the only times of my day dedicated to Mom. It was sad, but it was our only option.
The rest of my hours were spent cleaning up the house, taking care of my five year old younger sister, working my job, and going to school for important classes, and reading if time permitted.
On my way back from flushing her pee, I placed a kettle of water on the heater. While waiting for the water to become a little warm so I could use it to clean Mom up, I checked around the kitchen. We were out of rice, beans and potatoes, leaving us the only option of pasta for breakfast. I hope Marilyn doesn't complain she's been eating too much pasta, but I know she won't. She's a sweet little girl.
I replaced the kettle of water for Mom with a pot of water for pasta, took Mom's cleaning bowl and sponge from the toilet and went back into her room. Cleaning Mom up always gave me the time to think, it was the only time I wasn't in a haste. I got to be calm, quiet, and even my heart respected it. Perhaps it was because Mom was soothing me again.
After cleaning Mom up, arranging her room lest she wakes up, knocks me hard on the head and goes back to sleep, I went back to the kitchen.
I poured enough pasta for two of us into the water, oil, spices and all that was needed to make it taste like food, then went to Marilyn's room. She was still sleeping as I'd expected.
"Hey," I greeted, smiling when her eyes fluttered after tapping her. "Let's get you dressed up, barbie."
I loved caring for Marilyn too. She was delicate, and understanding. She'd never really bothered me for anything except it was urgent. And urgent meant school fees. I was back in a dilemma again. She told me they had started writing their exams and would be given their holidays soon, which meant I had to enroll her for a summer lesson at their school.
Naturally, I wouldn't bother, but it was a part of their schooling program, hence, it was a must. But to me that meant more money spending. It had only been two years since I started taking the responsibilities of my mother and father, and I haven't been doing that great. It had been two years since Dad was killed and the same two since Mom went into a coma. Marilyn didn't really know either of her parents.
Dad had been killed the exact same way I dreamt of it every night, but Mom's was a different story. She had been stabbed, multiple times. She woke up after her surgery, talked to me, and saw Marilyn. But when I came back from grocery shopping as she'd asked, she refused to wake up from her sleep. She hadn't ever since.
Marilyn's uniform wasn't ironed, it had skipped my mind the night before. It was only after seeing it that I realized my mistake. Was I beginning to blip? I had never forgotten to do anything.
"I'm sorry, Mary, your uniform isn't ironed."
Marilyn didn't complain, she smiled. She was a replica of Mom, but she wouldn't know that. They had the same auburn hair, eyes as though fire burned underneath them, same daring smile. She was only younger.
"I love you," I said, ruffling her hair.
"I love you too, Mila."
I fear for Marilyn. Every single day. I was her only option, but I didn't think I was reliable enough to be that for her. We had relatives, but they weren't all that useful. The only thing they had willingly done for us was our parents' funeral. They didn't take anything from us, and they didn't help us either. I didn't hate them, but thinking about them always ruined my mood.
By five thirty AM, Marilyn was ready for school, pasta was also ready. I dished out a small plate of pasta for her, dished another into her cooler, filled up her water bottle with warm water and placed them into her lunch bag. While she ate, I hurriedly went to have my bath, threw on my work uniform which consisted of a blue polo and black pants, and did a small brush of my hair.
Marilyn was done eating by the time I got back. I grabbed her school bag off the shelf in the sitting room, grabbed her lunch bag and led her towards the main entrance.
"Are you going to pick me up from school today?" Came her velvety voice.
Marilyn was a quiet girl, maybe it was because we barely had time together except for early mornings like this, when I went to pick her up from school, and at night when I put her to bed. It could also be that it was just who she was. After all, Dad was a quiet man.
"Of course, sweetie," I smiled, bending down to her height. I cupped her small cheeks in my palm, using my other palm to clean the little spices that littered her small face. "I've always picked up. Why do you ask?"
"Well..." She trailed off, her eyes darting around. "We're having extracurricular activities today so we'll be closing a bit later today. Sorry."
Marilyn knew it was going to tamper with my plans. Her school closed by three PM everyday, I'd made it a part of my daily schedule, the manager understood, and it was perfect for me. Closing any later wasn't going to favour me. But for her, I swallowed it.
"Don't be," I said, managing a small smile. "What time will you be closing today?"
"It's four PM," she said.
Four PM. That was around the time I had my calculus class, and attendance was mandatory. I smiled at Marilyn, shrugging.
"I'll make it."
It was just a class, I could miss it.
Winter was slowly approaching. Cold breeze blew into the house when I opened the door, I could almost bite it from how thick it was.
"Do you want a pullover?" I asked Mary. "It's cold out today."
"I'll manage," she said, rubbing her palms together.
Her school was far from the house. We boarded a cab, and in ten minutes we climbed out. There was nothing special about Marilyn's school. It was run in a worn out building, they barely had enough teachers, but they were nice enough, and cheap.
I waved goodbye to Mary after handing her over to class teacher, and pecking her on the cheek. Her teachers called me her mother, I never corrected them, what was the point? I was her mother, I just didn't birth her. The only reason it got on my nerves though, was that I was only nineteen years old, did I look that old?
When I got back to the house, it was already past six AM. The number one at my workplace was to get to work on or before seven AM. Though they had said on was an option, the manager made sure to query anyone who got to work on the time. I didn't want that.
I dished myself a plate of the pasta, shoved it down my throat without actually tasting the food and did the dishes afterwards. I got back to my room to finish up my dressing while checking the time every few minutes. Mom's nurse was to arrive at six thirty, only then could I leave the house. She had a key to the house with which she locked the door when she was done taking care of Mom, but for some reason, she insisted I be there to usher her into the house.
I slid on my favorite/only pair of black adidas sneakers after my socks, pulled my hair into a bun and covered it up using a black face cap. Strapping on my purse which contained my phone and other valuable belongings, I stepped out of my room.
It was six thirty by the time Mom's nurse arrived. After saying my greetings to her and saying what I observed about Mom which was nothing, she was making no progress, I set for the road. My work place wasn't far from home, it was a trekkable distance unlike Mary's school. It also served as small exercise for a pack of bones like me who needed absolutely none of it by the way.
The cool wind that brushed past reminded me of a lot of times from my early years of life, back when I had a life. Mom, Dad and I really loved strolling especially early mornings after the time Dad's car was stolen. They would accompany me to school whilst prepared for work themselves, drop me off and go their separate ways, after a goodbye kiss of course. I'd never let them leave without giving me one of those.
I plugged my earphones into my ears, turned on 'human' by 'Ragnbones man', put it on repeat and walked down the porch. I couldn't afford to think about my life right now, it would lead me absolutely nowhere.