-Present: April 12, 2018-
I sat in my car outside the gates of Jamison's mansion, staring at it in the distance. It was a huge granite house that seemed to have naturally grown out of the sacred ground in the middle of the woods. Its windows were as big as any shy eye, opening up to the full rays of sunlight. My gaze travelled back to the gated walls that safeguard those who live there, fending off all elements. Yet, I could feel and inhale the hearty forest air.
The blue t-shirt, vest, and thin jeans I fussed over that morning felt both too casual and too warm at the same time. I felt very uncomfortable, even though it was still spring and not even close to California's maximum temperature. Old me, wouldn't give a damn. In actuality, the girl, Carter Jamison I knew, would have just thrown on a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt without giving it a second thought.
I was fully aware that the man I had come to visit was the reason behind my feelings, not my appearance or the weather. It's been three years since we last saw each other. My memories began to jog back to one of our last occasions when we were by ourselves. When I told him I was relocating to Boston, Massachusetts. I close my eyes trying to push those memories behind me, but those feelings and thoughts persist.
*****
-Flashback: 3 years prior, October 17, 2015-
I sprawled out on my bed in my full attire, completely at ease. I recently returned from my graduation dinner. I had officially obtained my business degree. My father wasn't as proud of my accomplishments as he would have been if I had attended medical school, but I didn't let that stop me. I understood that I owed him a great deal, but not my life. I had to decide for myself.
Dale, my brother, was also present. He was restraining himself, keeping his pride in check in addition to his disappointment and resentment toward me. For everything that changed over the past two years. Either he or anyone else was going to kill my mood.
Then I heard my phone ringing and turned my head to look at it on my nightstand. I reached over and picked it up; it was Carter. I bite my lips before exhaling.
"Hi," I answered. There was a slight pause on the phone.
"Is this a good time? Can I come over so we can talk?" He asked.
"Um… Sure."
I hung up the phone and waited thirty minutes before I heard a knock at the front door of my apartment, which I shared with my best friend Roxanna. I opened the door for him while making a strong effort to ignore the way his eyes swept over my dress. He rarely observed me wearing anything other than my scrubs, everyday attire, or anything at all. I squelched such ideas and showed him to the living room.
"So, what's up?" I asked, facing him.
"Congratulations," Carter said as he simply handed me an envelope.
"Thank you. You didn't have to do this."
"I didn't. CJ did."
I watched him as he ran his hand through his hair. I started to open the envelope, but then he placed his hands on mine and stopped me.
"Can we talk first?"
When I nodded, he led us to my couch.
"I'm sorry about everything that happened to you and your brother," Carter began as soon as we sat down. I just hope -"
I cut him off. "It wasn't your fault. Don't worry about my brother."
"Okay," he then clenched his jawline before continuing, "Well, I guess I just wanted to tell you that I know everything between us has been…"
"Utterly f***ed up?" I said it in a mocking tone. His lips curled into a sneer.
"A little," he admitted. "Yet, despite everything, it's also been… good." He then looked at me, straight into my eyes. Instantly, my heart raced, and I shifted where I sat as I slightly took my eyes off him. Although I could feel the shock on my face, I immediately recovered.
"You're not so bad yourself," I grinned dramatically.
He chuckled. "First of all, that grin was a little too creepy." I laughed at that. "Secondly, I'm not referring to just the sex, either. Not just the sex, at all," he clarified. When he grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes, both anxiety, and desire flipped in my stomach. "Since, we've been hanging out, ever since… well, everything. It may not have been the best way things started. Still, it's been amazing getting to know you." I slowly smiled and swallowed hard. He brushed his thumbs over my hands, leaving me with a lingering affection. I could feel a flood of warmth building between us.
"I know we've only been seeing each other for special reasons. I enjoy spending time with you, I care about you. I've been thinking a lot about us lately… and I'm genuinely being honest with myself when I say this. I want you in my life as my girlfriend, Katy."
Suddenly, it felt like all the air inside of me was sucked out. I took in a deep breath and stood up, dropping his hands. I began pacing around. Never anticipated that would be feeling this type of emotion. To feel so vulnerable.
"Katy, say something," Carter said, watching me.
"Say what?" I responded.
"Anything… At least tell me what's on your mind."
"I believe we stated what this was… It couldn't be… We couldn't be serious. All of this was a rebound, just a rebound for you," I said, trying to pull Carter back to his senses.
It was a choice we both made at the time. I was the second option. A girl he would just have fun with, an escape from an utter attempt to stop missing or loving the previous one. When did we pass that? We couldn't have, could we? Perhaps, I was the one lying to myself.
"I am aware of my words and what I said. Maybe it was that at first, but not anymore. At least, not for me," Carter explained, standing up to face me. "I have real feelings for you, Katy. I love-"
"I'm moving to Boston," I blurted out before he could finish.
"What? Why?" He said, confused.
"I've been offered an internship, and I'm taking it." I looked at him sternly.
I had already applied for the internship months ago, as an opportunity in my last year at college. I did it after considering all the drama that happened with my brother, with Carter. These last couple of weeks had also been the final push for me to go to Boston. To complete the list of goals I set for myself that I wanted.
"Okay…" He responded. His eyes ran a marathon before landing back on me. "Okay. That's fine with me. I'm ready to make the internship work, no matter how lengthy it is or how far we are. We can make it work." I shook my head. He wasn't in my plans at all. He couldn't be, no matter how I truly felt about him.
He and I were just having sex. I didn't question it; I wasn't sure what query I should have asked, but sex was unquestionably the response at that time. How stupid of me to think that sex was just an act of pleasure.
It was just my luck to be captivated by Carter enough to know the difference. To know and feel first-hand what it means to be intimately involved with a person, attached to them, and at ease with them to the point that it almost overwhelms you. He knew what I wanted and offered it in ways that made my heart want to pursue it, knowing it couldn't stay with him. I hated him now, knowing he had removed the masks that we know we cannot live inside of and those we think we cannot live without.
"No… I don't think that's a good idea."
"Don't think. Just tell me how you feel," Carter pleaded.
"When this first started, I told you how I felt. This was merely transitory for you, it was meant to be just fun for me. Only to be enjoyable, as it would have been for both of us."
I looked at him intently. "Nothing has changed since then," I said softly… lying.
I watched his eyes darken. I knew he couldn't understand it. As he tried to reason with which one was worse, loving that one person who doesn't or realizing they were acting like they don't too.
"Do you truly feel that way?" I looked at him briefly.
"We were never meant to be, Carter," I said firmly.
He nodded at me before, turning around and heading out of the house without a word. Right then, I perhaps knew I was the biggest killer of my true happiness. My caution in all of this was letting fear win. I felt the tears begin to fall as I opened the envelope.
*****
-Present-
The thought of the letter in the envelope snapped me back as I crouched in my car. The little crayon drawing with the words 'Baddest Boss Lady, Miss. Harrison's' scribble on the top, gave me the last bit of courage to push the gate bell. I had no idea what lay ahead for Carter and me, but I knew for sure I wanted to re-establish my bond with his son, Carter Jr.
"Jamison's Mansion, how may I assist you today," I heard the familiar voice.
"Alfred," I smiled. "It's me, Katy Harrison, I was wondering if -"
"Aha! Miss. Harrison," he said interrupting me. "Oh my, it's been so long… um…"
"Three years, Alfred."
"Oh, yes," he paused for a moment. "Why didn't you call, I would have arranged for transport of some sort."
"I drove."
"Ah, I see… well," I heard the gate buzz, as it began to swing open. "Come on in," he ushers me.
It felt like my heart opened up, as my chest tightens. I wonder how receptive, he would be. I wonder if it was truly worth the risk, if in the end, would it be worthwhile after all.