Feliz Navidad.
To that unfortunate soul who found the proof of my non-existence as an evidence of my ceaseless love for you.
" I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I need you to know it's not your fault. It wasn't an easy decision, but it has to happen.
I am troubled you will never hear my giggle or see my gentle smile. I am unhappy you will never listen to me playing the piano so calmly nor feel the light in my eyes.
It was too much at one point. Everything and nothing united. It was highly overwhelming and not enough.
Happiness and life weren't meant for me. But it's alright, I can be glad now. I can be at peace.
I just crave to wish you well. Always find every reason to smile. It's beneficial for your health. Or aren't you aware that those who are fond of keeping sad expressions grow old quickly?
You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you choose to be happy.
Every night, I looked up to the stars and wished... Yearning that someone out there, Wishing that you, in particular, hold on to that dream. That dim light. That fading faith, despite failing many times and how hard life seems to become.
Oh, excuse me? How could I be this shameless?
Look at the poor me sitting here, advising you not to give up, whereas I'm on the verge of losing whatever hope or light that's left in me. I'm on the brink of surrendering. I'm saying a congratulatory adieu to those damn dreams and goals.
I'm a silly lunatic, right?
It's painful to watch others living the life you constantly dreamt of. I can't bear it any longer. I have reached my level of elasticity.
The name "patience" has grown tired in my dictionary. Till when should I continue waiting? When should I stop enduring?
I want you to remember these messages. These powerful expressions that I never had the pleasure of hearing.
"I love you From the bottom of my shattered heart, I love you.
Goodbye everyone, today I can be at peace."
Page 101. I labeled the top page of my old diary, while I gently tore out that page, folding it to form a rectangular shape.
I sat there, still in front of the mirror.
You'd assume I would look at myself but no, I was staring at my small palm, but my focus was on what sprawls on top of it.
They are little red capsules. So small, yet dangerous.
My mind starts to race, and my soul goes numb. I had a feeling of nothingness as I was thinking about many things.
I tried to remember what led me to this.
The only response I received was the brief whispers of voices that clouded my reasoning.
I sought for that slight spot of light.
For that individual, that assurance that I longed for to save this darkness from consuming my sanity.
I blinked severally, knocking myself to reality again.
I glanced at the mirror and all I saw was that shiny, insignificant tear running down my delicate cheek.
In it lies all the memories, all the words. All the kindness and all the hate. In it lay my very essence.
For the last time, I touched my lip to see its warmth.
I held my heart to feel that capricious pulse.
I lick my lips and despite never having met someone, I wonder what a guy would think of them.
It's time.
I laughed one last time, memorizing my tender and charming face, my painful heart, and the veins in my arms that meet in my wrist.
I waited for someone to come and knock the sense right into me.. but there was no one.
My dark mind and fractured dreams are all alone.
Gradually, I raised my hand and brought those tiny tablets of danger to my sweet hot lips as I took them into my mouth.
My other hand grabbed a cup of glass, that splendid glass with crystal water in it.
Without weighing my options, I took the capsule and gulped the water down my throat. Letting those mini nuclear weapons go down to my stomach and do their job.
I giggle, staring at myself in the mirror and say in a a whisper,
" Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe happiness just doesn't belong to everybody. But you are free now.. "
My voice weakens at the end of that murmur. My vision gets blurry as I can no longer talk. I collapsed onto the cool rough floor, still awake, and I grinned while my tears dropped on it.
I inhale and exhale heavily until everything stops.
I closed my eyes and felt my lungs giving out. My heartbeat syncs into a single beat.
Silence.
My former pink tender lip was now cold and colorless.
In my palm lies a crushed note because of my firm grip. I poured out my last pain into it while the capsule had its effects on me.
In it lays the simple explanation why this was to take place. Why my life was no more for me.
"felicem natalem Christi..." Romeo read out the last inscription on the top of the piece of paper while his tears dimmed the black ink.
He had just woken up on Christmas morning with the joy of getting the gift his mother promised him, only to notice her unconscious body on the floor of her room.
A gift would ever remain a gift, whether good or bad.
But receiving a lifeless body as a present would permanently remain a nightmare that plagued our dreams.