I am thankful to my family and my friends for encouraging me and to make this book an amazing and hand full of love which resembles the beauty within the life.

Het Patel

Anand, Gujarat.

het1170@hotmail.com

"In search of lust I found love and I lost myself…"

- The Idiotic Writer

INTRODUCTION

I am Het Patel and I belong to a middle-class family, born and brought up in famous town known as milk city, Anand, Gujarat. Writing my thoughts had always been working for me in order to share and keep memories alive. This book is fiction and it is inspired from real events occurred in different people's life. Book will give you an experience and a roller coaster ride which I had experienced in my life. This book is an imaginary story and it does not mean to harm any of the person, religion or any caste. Further content is adult rated so please follow the guidelines precisely. It includes love, intense pleasure and demotivating and stressful content. Just sit back-grab a chair, relax and get ready to ride with me on this bitter-sweet adventure. These are one of the finest chapters of our life where I have taken a decision to pen them down along my thoughts on my deeds and acknowledge you the parts of life with several twists and turns. It is a poetic journey and I promise to stay on my words and find out an actual meaning of Love, Lust and being Lost. There is NO Happy Ending in this book. It will lead you to a lot of questions. The last part contains some real poems that I wrote in my life. Get ready to experience a hell of an idiotic story….

CONTENT

Part 1- Lust

1- Publicly pubic

2- Morally nuditic

3- No strings at all

Part 2- LOVE

4 - The re-call

5- The one from the school

6- A long pause

Part 3 - LOST

7- Bleeding pain

8- Never ending trauma

9- Life or lost?

PUBLICLY PUBIC

New school new beginnings

Here I am standing by the door of my class,

It was my new school and I was in 11th class.

Studied in a CBSE school now in the state board,

I was covered by a lot of fat around the belly and had a harsh vocal cord.

School was new and excitement was too,

It was a whole new culture of which I had no clue.

Our uniform was pink shirt and the pants were blue,

I was surprised when I saw her first time - praying in the assembly queue.

Although I was fat - dusky guy with a round face,

Back then, flings and being a Casanova was in my race.

I saw her again in the corridor,

She was standing just beside the class door.

She was a fine gujju girl with long hair and tied a pony tail,

I was leaning to the balcony which had a rusty rail.

I approached and said hello,

She got exclaimed and went yellow.

Wrong timing, I said to myself and went back in my class,

I at smiled at her every time I pass.

She was studying a class before mine,

I was such a jerk that I wanted her because of her waist line.

Her eyes used to meet mine,

It used to me a buzz like a glass of old wine.

She was heavy with her front part,

I wrote a cliche letter to give this bond a start.

Distant encounters happened around,

Once at the water cooler and others in the playground.

We met again in the parking place,

She looked innocent but her body was seductive in those days.

May be those were my hormones that were reacting,

I even had to cover myself though I was just thinking.

To reach to her I tried a few ways,

Started dating in a few days.

Those days were full of lust,

So, kissing was the first step I took it at first.

There was a day when we met out of the school,

We went for a date and booked a table near the swimming pool.

I looked her into the eyes,

I wanted to taste the nervousness on her lips which lied.

I kissed her and touched her for the first time,

This was the time when I had to cover the little one of mine.

First kiss was not much intense,

It was only for a few nano seconds.

Even the nano seconds had hit me hard,

I wished that for more time and wanted to play a wild card.

One day, we decided to do it again,

But then I exclaimed to myself "I don't have a place to do it, Damn."

My friend suggested me to do it in CCTV monitored class,

There was a blind spot he had noticed when we were held in the office, he pass.

It was one of the coldest days of winter and it was morning,

My friend Yash was the watchman when me and Aaisha were doing the thing.

My heart was beating for the moment when she arrived near,

I was confident about myself but had a fear.

Aaisha's strawberry flavored balm were all over my lips,

We remained smooching like papers attached with clips.

The bell rang and it was the assembly time,

My friend asked me to rub my lips as her lip balm made my lips shine.

Days went on and the lust too,

Other people around me had no clue.

Since I was not good with all the students, I had enemies too,

There was a guy who was speaking bad about me, of which I had no clue.

One day he was walking along me and passed a vulgar comment on my girlfriend,

I got into my worst and threw him to the wall and I took her stand.

He messed again and wanted a fight,

He gave me the place and the time was night.

I went alone as a raging warrior,

I would have beaten him but they were ten people, and that became a barrier.

They played me like a Cherokee drum and hit me with a few things,

The quarrel seemed like a south Indian movie and I had also lost my gold ring.

I went home with rage in my eyes,

Next day in school, I beat him in front of the school and all thought that it was a lie.

I got him apologized for his deed,

All of the sudden I got famous and the fight got trending on the feed.

After beating him brutally I realized one thing,

It is now the time to upgrade the relation by doing sex and I immediately pinged.

Next day, we made out in the physics lab,

Her body was flaunting and I was a big fat slab.

Didn't had sex obviously at that time,

I was getting late to pick up my brother who was studying in class nine.

A day arrived when my parents went out for few days,

I decided to make the lust happen and I called couple of mates.

My house is big and we were five couple,

Those were the days of summer and AC was in 2 rooms so we had to shuffle.

I let my friends went in as a kind gesture for them,

I was feeling like a useless flower who didn't had a stem.

Fortune was not with me since the beginning,

We just waited for 4 hours and did nothing.

My heart was beating and my little one got excited,

Waiting was killing it all and seems it was melted.

Plan failed and the lust was submerged,

I should get going she whispered in an urge.

I was like a star in the school days,

I played with hearts as if they were made of clay.

Me and my gang were planning for the celebration,

Plannings were just an excuse, we all got in to a lusty emotion.

All the talks and hugging got intense,

We were under CCTV surveillance and we went out of the sense.

Principal saw this, and he called us,

He stared at us and gave a long pause.

He exclaimed his words like a gun shooting bullets,

He gave us the punishment to clean the diner and the plates.

I gave a mesmerising performance in front of the school,

My friends were surprised and they started to shout and stood on the stool.

School days were about to get over,

For me, the relation was for the physical and I was never ready to become a lover.

Sometimes we need to leave all the lust beside and think for the future,

But the little guy of mine never let me move on from the focus,

All I had was an imagination of sex on the beach and a picture.

On the last day of school, she proposed me in the parking lot,

She wrote "no matter whatever you have in your mind about this relation, but I promise that I will never forget you… "and she gave me a shirt which she had bought.

My 12th got over it was about a long vacation,

I had chosen to study biology and still had the virgin temptation.

I left the school and the contact with her got faded,

My emotions of losing my virginity got shredded.

It was predictable and I moved on,

Searching for my new target as I was on journey all alone.

*****************

MORALLY NUDITIC

Lurking around…

After my 12th exam it was my time to chill,

I decided to visit my cousin's place which was on a hill.

Back in those days I had my Samsung galaxy Y in my hand,

It was a hot summer noon and I was waiting for the bus at the stand.

The day was very hot and my emotions were boiling,

I wanted to calm that heat with a body or something.

The hormones had boosted my intensity of being physical,

I even tried to hire a pimp ride and make it feasible.

I got my bus ticket and was on the way,

I was scrolling my Facebook to target for a bae.

I came across a girl on the very same day,

I started texting her and decided to play.

Her name was Krisha and she lived in my town,

I was checking out her pictures and I was totally down.

I started the chatting and it was good,

she was like a fresh mojito which had boosted my mood.

She was in my friendliest and I didn't know,

I asked how does she knew me as their mutual friends in her too.

She exclaimed that she studied in the same school,

At once I thought she might be making me a fool.

The conversation went on and it was soothing,

I knew this will end up with my mission as I was on the plan for something.

I reached at my cousin's place and felt it too soon,

The messages were started from the sun and it now the time of moon.

The night talks are always needed for all the startups and it is very crucial,

I was flirting at my best as it was my golden chance to make it physical.

Our chats started from a good morning to never ending late nights,

One night we even video called and she was in her black shirt but I was staring at her stripes.

So the days went on and the chats too,

My head was always in the phone which was noted by my cousin and her mother and a few.

I was waiting for the right time and wanted to take a chance,

My target was never to get attached; it was always only for romance.

I proposed her on the 4th of June,

I confronted her beneath the moon.

Although I was not with her at the moment,

I was still thinking about her physique I could feel something about to burst out beneath my abdomen.

I asked her in a typical Bollywood style,

She was chubby and she said yes in a fluffy smile.

Finally, I had a relief as I have someone to be finally loss it,

I was still wondering-did she really said yes to me or she made it.

Well, after a few days I came back to my home,

I wanted to meet her as I had got a dog for my bone.

I finally decided to meet her and see her live,

I had never seen her in my school but she said all the details about me and those were not a lie.

Well, the things went on and we finally met at a cafe,

The cafe was suggested by her and we ordered pasta and latte.

As the time passed my emotions were getting drained,

I was now bored of her and wanted to leave though she was in pain.

My intentions were clear from my part,

I wanted her body and not her heart.

I was playing a date with her as I was not at all serious,

On the other hand, she was dedicated towards me and she was curious.

She confronted me many times,

She called me a million times and she wrote the poems which never rhymed.

I had literally broken her apart when I called her a bitch,

I said she was a filthy person though was rich.

I had broken her till the last extent,

I had cheated her on her face by being with a girl in a tent.

She couldn't bare this thing at all,

She became numb as she was having a down fall.

I never realise what pain I had given to her,

I always used her as a utensil to stir.

She was in love with me since the day one,

I was the one who had threw her away and let her burn.

I never regretted at that particular moment as I was a player,

I wanted to get laid and experience an immense pleasure.

My actions were taking very offensive turns in her life,

She was broken down and her emotions were buried alive.

I had been such a monster in her life,

These things would hunt me someday but I never realise.

Things were changed and I was again with other girl from my college,

She always had kept a tab me though she was at her worst stage.

My physical needs were important for me,

I pushed and I mentioned that she was for free.

I dated many-after her,

But I wanted to see her as I was addicted to her structure.

*****************

No Strings at all

Well, after I had broken up with Krisha I was exploring,

I was waiting for my birthday and I was tired by doing the hand thing.

This is the time when I was having the test boosting at the max,

Tinder was not introduced till the date and people still used fax.

It was the time of Ganesh Chaturthi and I was standing at the Prasad counter,

I was accompanied by my friend we both were looking like a club's bouncer.

I saw her for the first time in white dress and she came near to me,

I got paused like a wax dummy.

She laughed at my uncertain gesture,

I was weak in math but I had calculated her curvature.

I had asked my friend about her,

He didn't know her name but he knew a friend who knew her.

I exclaimed with and search on my Instagram when I got her name,

This was going to be some hell of an interesting game.

Her name was Suhani and that was unique,

She was on the target list for whom I had to climb a peak.

I requested to her profile and she looked so cute,

I had requested her by updating my profile picture with a fine tailored suit.

I requested she accepted,

I texted she and she intercepted.

I saw her again on the last day of Ganesha,

I wanted to get her in my hands and I was a super Casanova.

I started talking to her from the same day,

She looked too keen delicate as she was made like a clay.

I wanted to have a great conversation and I confronted with several lies,

I knew I had to use my breakup's reason as a butter knife.

I applied the butter on a knife and served her the bread,

She got tangled with me - with a thin thread.

She looked good and her height was fine,

We went to a cafe and a hotel for dine.

Her hairs were curly and her vision was blurry,

I was being so obvious in being bit flirty.

I had always had a fantasy to kiss in while the car is moving,

I liked to lookout her waist when she was grooving.

The fist hug was so warm and felt like a volcanic eruption in my body,

The feeling was like I am full bottle down yet standing steady.

I was over the moon when she gave me a good night kiss in my car,

I was surprised by her action as she had made a scar.

She relied her watermelon lipstick all over my cheek,

This time, it was for a long time and I thought I had a blip.

My system got rebooted and I was stunned,

She gave me a smile at the end and I was stoned.

Days passed and we got closer,

We got intense a couple of times and I had got my boner.

Suhani was one of her own kind of girl,

She never asked me for a commitment and we were lost in our own lusty world.

The number of kisses and the intensity got increased over the period of time,

At this moment, I can't explain by maintaining the rhyme.

Well, it was one hell of a rainy day when we decided to hangout,

I had to pick her up from her place and she had to sneak out.

Suhani was so pleased by the lightening and the sound of the rain,

She exclaimed, "Let's do it" regardless its pain.

I was shocked and got excited,

She was a bit nervous and we were near in area where she resided.

I am never a person who sits quietly but that day I was silent,

She told me to buy something with chocolate again I got stunned.

She looked at me with her silvery eyes which had blindfolded me thoroughly,

She took my arm and placed on body part, where it was very curvy.

That night, the sky had got pink,

Since it was my first time, I started to over think.

The thunder struck so hard on the roof,

I kept my arm on her waist and started to chew her lips and it was like a fresh juice.

The clouds were rambling and it was raining cats and dogs,

She looked very generous even through the fogs.

She threw her body on myself and she was on the top of me,

I felt a little uneasy but the intensity was for free.

She ripped off my t-shirt and I was naked with my big round belly,

I touched her breasts and felt like a jelly.

The neck was sweaty and salty as my lips passed by,

I was feeling on the seventh heaven and I was high.

The time we had- was intense and full of pleasure,

In search of gem, I had found the treasure.

She smiled at me after we did the "thing",

I was a bit nervous again as I was not wearing a single thing.

I was not a person who gets into such a long pause,

The question I asked my-self was, did I get over with the shortest cause.

Well, it was unjustified silence by both of us,

We got super hungry so we ordered triple cheese-thin crust.

The rain stopped and the pizza got over,

"It's time to get going", I exclaimed near her ear.

I was actually whispering and she couldn't hear,

In order to listen to me she had to come near.

The whole moment was going great,

Until, my phone ranged with mom's name and it fell down from the bed.

We moved out from the place of our friend,

I was driving us toward her home and she suddenly grabbed my hand.

Suhani expounded in her tears by saying the three words from which I was running away,

I got to know that this was the day when I need her to fade away.

I did the same thing again,

I dropped Suhani and the fling-we had at her stop in pain.

I went away from her like it never happened,

I became the evil again as I had her abandoned.

Everything was going so smooth and was full of pleasure,

She spoke those words and I had to kick those as I didn't want that emotional pressure.

I backed out and left away,

I broke her heart as if it was made from clay.

This is me the real and rare,

I was just for physical needs and it wasn't fair.

********************

The Recall

Well, the things continued and I was happy with playing around,

I got a lot of relationships and was so high on sex that I didn't wanted to touch the ground.

some people judged me and some encouraged,

I was unaware about the chaos and damage.

My feelings were never delighted upon anyone,

I didn't care for anything and anyone.

One day I was going through my phone and came across some pictures,

I can see her smile and the memories came in like the pillars.

I thought to give one more try with her and I approach,

I was long way moved on but she was still on that porch.

I knew she will accept and come back to me,

But, Krisha didn't even cared now and that hit me.

I tried again by texting and calling a lot of time,

I realized one thing that I might have done a huge crime.

The way she exclaimed one day with all her words,

I was all silent and I realised her worth.

I realised what she might have gone through when I did those flaws,

In the past, I never cared for the words from her lips as I was only to taste her lip gloss.

Her words and her emotions hit me hard on that day,

I was melted though my heart was made of clay.

This was just supposed to be a play date,

It happened the other side and that was my fate.

I was suffering from her thrust all of the sudden,

It felt my flaws, all I wanted to do is push the restart button.

She cried in front of me before but this time it hit me different,

She was similar to the broken mirror with a hundred pieces and equivalent.

I wanted to get back her by hook or crook,

When I realised all the deeds I was shook.

The eternal misery of my life was changing all at once,

Now I wanted her heart and needed a chance.

I apologised and tried my best to get her back,

She ignored me and she had kept all her heart on the rack.

I was in the middle of nowhere I recognise all the things,

I decided to make it all perfect again and give her the cheap diamond ring.

Krisha was all lost and scattered with no feelings,

She was at her worst though she was giving me the blessings.

Yes, I was such a jerk who had never trusted nor seen her in an appropriate way,

I was not able to look in the mirror now and could not see her getting away.

I didn't stop my texting and calling,

I cried for the first time for a girl when I was sitting on the railing.

It was Diwali and people were celebrating,

I was depressed and hated myself as I had kept her as a fling.

I called her again,

She picked the phone and she was numb yet in pain.

I sobbed my heart out, she listened but didn't reply,

I apologised about everything and told the truth which was a lie.

That was the first time when I started writing for someone,

I didn't notice that this was love but I was all alone.

The karma had hit me hard right in my ass,

Krisha didn't cared for the first time and it was a huge crash.

I use to write a lot back in the school time,

It was all locked in my drawer and didn't knew to rhyme.

I wrote all the things in my diary,

It was all the truth and it was not a tale of a fairy.

I tried to pen down my feelings which I had got because of her in those pages,

It was all by heart and to repair the damages.

I was on the way to re-construct the site demolished by me,

I wanted to take her out of that deep shit well and I was searching the key.

I gave her the diary through a friend of mine,

I wrote all the things along with her noticing me from class nine.

She kept it with her and didn't responded again,

I was actually the thing I gave and that was full of pain.

I sent many photos and made a video,

I knew I was swimming in the opposite direction from the flow.

One video hit her hard and it melted that stubborn soul,

She exclaimed her heart in an empty bowl.

We both cried on that summer afternoon and talked till the eve,

I comforted her and told her I would never leave.

Krisha was again with me but still missing,

I could sense it and didn't had that thing.

I was observing myself changing for her,

I cooked for her and ever stir.

I was now able to look myself again in the mirror and it was a relief,

I had thought I lost her and it was a false belief.

The hug I got from her after a long time was something different,

I can even smell her Victoria secret perfume and she was violent.

I felt what it feels like loving and what is the real meaning,

I said sorry a lot of time for leaving her bleeding.

She accepted me like nothing happen,

She changed me totally and made me a man.

I wanted to do all the good things and make it right,

I started by not playing my PlayStation and give her the night.

I dodged all the chances to get in to a fight,

I used to hug her harder and tight.

She looks me in the eyes and still feels refreshing,

When she wears bindi, she always looked astonishing.

I started to note all the little things and wrote in my diary,

Oh, I was all in love with all my heart, I didn't have any second thoughts and it was seen clearly.

I started to give what she deserved,

We started visiting the cafe with special tables reserved.

The junk food and the gossips,

It reminds me when we use to argue on silly topics.

What else a person needs more than this,

A hand full of pocket money from parents and she gives the special goodbye kiss.

The days went good and nights were romantic,

I became jack and she was my Kate to our titanic.

The time passes and her exams were near,

These were the ones due to which she failed and couldn't clear.

I wanted to be by her side on this time,

I started going with her to the exam hall and that's how I pled for my crime.

I remember one winter night when we decided to go out on a drive,

I was driving fast just to thrive.

Krisha held my arm that day to the tightest,

I felt the connection and the electricity was highest.

We went through a canal side road near our town,

It was a full moon night and our windows were down.

An incident occurred that night and police caught us,

We somehow convinced the policeman that krisha is my sister and she has to be on the bus.

The policeman was nice but he played a card,

He asked me to call my dad and I was vibrating and I was covered by one more guard.

Somehow, we got out of that pitfall and we laughed a lot,

I comforted her by saying "I will be with you in all the situation no matter what."

That was one hell of a night that we had spent,

We even hangout at a place which we had rent.

The time passed and everything was perfect,

We helped each other in all the aspect.

The change was observed by all the people of mine,

I had fulfilled all the punishment of my crime.

The one who judged were now appreciating the change,

I had promised myself to remain like this and never become strange.

Krisha changed me totally and it was significant,

The person who had no feelings were changed though it was difficult.

All of the sudden a guy who always admire other girls looks,

Now started admiring the beauty of her.

All the people were confident enough about the relation we had,

We were so perfect that some told us Angelina and Brad.

Well, the intensity and the emotions were at the highest of all,

It was now the time of bad days and the tables started to fall.

All the interruptions and misunderstandings were piling up at the best,

People were envy of us hence, they tried to separate us but we didn't rest.

All the downfalls and the tough times were passed by both,

When people were wounding us, we were the aid and acted as a cloth.

But there is a certain strength in the thread of love,

The feelings were now burning on a kerosene stove.

The things started to change when a third person arrived,

It was all in front of my eyes and it was changing fast, I was surprised.

Why did I love after all, why she changed me?

I accepted all these by blaming on my karma and destiny.

*****************

The one from school

Yes, the school has always been an important part for me in my life,

I had learned a lot of things even to use my tongue as a knife.

Since the problems were hanged on to me about Krisha and thought I she didn't deserved me at all,

I started to work out and make the best from all.

Since I had the misconception about the third person,

I had made up a lot of reasons and started working on myself as a surgeon.

I was a changed person inside and outside too,

I was getting a lot of DM but I didn't care for them and gone thru.

I was subtle yet broken in the mind of mine,

At this point of time, I left all the things even this rhyme.

I was flooded with dreadful emotions,

The wounds were never healed even with the lotions.

All the feelings I had tangled with me started to make myself alone,

Krisha was gone with another guy and I thought I lost my throne.

I changed myself in all the possible way,

I left eating at the cafe we had gone and even the subway.

One day a school friend of mine Foram texted me and we hangout,

She used to be my best friend back in school and all the others were faded out.

Foram saw me in the position and she had given a name of a girl,

She was the one with a cute dimple and hairs were little curl.

Mahira was her name and I hated her in the school,

She dated a guy I hated and yes, I was a fool.

Back in the school days I had surely tried upon her,

I didn't do it because she was the best and I was like a panda but without the fur.

I heard she got split up and had isolated herself,

I was in that same process, so I was able to understand our own self.

The fate and the destiny had worked somehow in the days and nights,

Mahira was one of the quietest girls in our class and she be in the darkness surrounded by the lights.

I told Foram that Mahira will never talk to me because I was so player in the school,

Although I was playing stuff but it was by the rule.

We sat on the sofa and she elaborated her situation,

I felt to talk to Mahira as I had crossed a particular region.

Mahira had isolated herself and she was amazed when I texted her,

I confronted her with the truth that I am not here to play but to cure.

We talked for a day on and off,

She hated me a lot when I said I love to eat a meat loaf.

We talked for nights and days and it was soothing,

It was something really good as I had never had a conversation like this and it meant something.

I tried to convey my message through the poem below,

I titled "the burning soul" and wanted her to glow.

"I am again with some words,

with a story of friend and the world.

She was a kind and a perfect girl,

She always used to smile forgetting the world.

She was sol kind and be so gentle,

her words were of metal and fragrance was so fatal.

Mahira had a power of perfect sight,

she had never a fight.

she takes it all a Light,

she was like a mist of wind who flew in a blight,

But now she is a broken delight.

She became numb and felt alone,

she was great and she hid instead shown.

She was scratched with the name of love,

she was broken which she can't go above.

She lost her faith and her smile,

as there is a whole life to travel this was just a mile.

She needs to setup a new lifestyle.

she lost her feelings and her trust,

She was hunted and crushed.

she gave a fight like a slush,

at last, she was broken and got flushed.

I want to setup her for a new goal,

I want to heal that broken soul."

This was the master piece that I had written for her,

Mahira got the idea yet she was blur.

I can imagine the situation she was in,

Abrupt changes were not her cup of thing.

When I conveyed her the message and showed her the interest,

Mahira wanted to take some time and I accepted to take some rest.

Mahira was talking to me and on the other hand I was supposed to get my visa,

She is a street food lover and did not like the pizza.

Her checks are smooth and her dimple is deep,

Mahira met me in the cafe where me and krisha used to meet.

The first meet in the cafe was dark,

We had an argument and she ignored me like a dog bark.

I was very angry about the action she did,

I gone to her and realise my fault and I plead.

I reminded myself the good parts of being with her,

She behaved the best even when I was worst to her.

We solved the arguments and the things were working,

It was going smooth and Mahira had a dream to go for surfing.

It was now 2 months and our friendship were great,

I wanted to make a bond from which no one can ever separate.

The time when I asked her to be with me was when I was leaving for other country,

She said this is just the starting and she needs to focus on the studies and is not free.

She gave a good luck keychain which I still have,

Which I might take it to my grave.

She accepted me and I flew to South Africa,

I prayed that she still remains the same when I come from South Africa.

The normal calls were even tough due to the network issues,

The chats were now upgraded to love you and miss yous.

I thought that this might be just for the texting,

I use to call her just to keep a tab even after sleeping.

I was and still an insecure person,

I get jealous for anything and any reason.

She comforted me with all the possible ways,

I still remember those long-distance days.

I came back after 6 months of my internship,

During this time Mahira was totally changed and became a true relationship.

I met her at my house and introduced to my mother,

In her family she had a younger brother.

I hugged her and that hit me in a different way,

I wish I could have never let go and ask her to stay.

My arms were around her slim body and I held her real tight,

She was actually choking but I was very emotional and had tears a slight.

Mahira asked me "what happen to you?"

I smiled with water in my eyes and said "it's you".

She smiled and the dimple was observed,

That moment is still frozen in my mind and couldn't say a word.

I kissed on her forehead and whispered in her ears,

Mahira held me like she owns and she let go all the fears.

It was the best a man can get,

It was all pure and all the things were set.

The bedsheets were messed when I kissed the first time,

It was almost the time when I knew how to rhyme.

When I tried to make a move and grabbed her waist,

She backed me off when I tried to kiss her lips and I felt the worst.

I recognise the inner me and realise why Mahira pushed me away,

She was still haunted by the past and I let her away.

Her past was haunting her and the trust was not built,

It hit me hard and blamed myself and build the guilt.

Although, my intentions were pure and it was the heat of the moment,

When I touched her for the first time it haunted me and it was piled up like a mountain.

She calmed my shivering hands by kissing me on the forehead,

We let our bodies bang on the 6x6 soft and smooth bed.

I took her hair and placed it behind the ear,

There was a tragic shock when she talked to me and we wear so near.

When I tried to kiss on her lips, she pushed me away,

I thought she was not comfortable and gave her a way.

She told me that she is not in to such things,

I got to know that she is a simple girl with a lot of rings.

I apologised by the act I did,

She asked me a question "is it what you need?"

I replied in a generous manner and made her feel secure,

I reminded her that I am here to cure.

I told her and she understood and the reasons she gave was undeniable,

I liked her at the same moment and made my decision.

Months passed and the days were good,

I use to go and meet her at her college and eat her favorite food.

She was just the normal girl who cared for her hair,

She looked lovely when she wears Kurti and I couldn't stop to stare.

I was being myself with her and I could see the transparency,

Mahira was still going through a never-ending conspiracy.

All the things were going great and we were all perfect.

Though the flaws were there but no one could suspect.

I remember, one day when we were driving at the night,

We ended the drive on a verge of fight.

She cried in front of me and I didn't even care,

Mahira and I were in public and people started to stare.

What was the main mistake I did?

All the things got vanished by that deed.

It was resolve after a day or two,

Mahira use to come and visit my mom in a day and few.

We both looked good together but it was not for a longer time,

As it is not a movie, it is a real story time.

One day Mahira was talking to me on the phone and her brother caught up,

He told the story to Mahira's dad and we were busted up.

Although the intentions were true and we were clear,

Mahira belonged to very rich family and I was a middle class, that was the only fear.

Her father was raging with anger when he came to knew about the relation,

I had visited her town which was 15 kms away and waited on the bus station.

I saw her from a distance and her friend helped us to make it possible,

Mahira was standing at a distance and whispered Love you and it was audible.

I got back on the bus and went home with a smile on my face,

Things took time to cooled down since we were not in a race.

Watching through the window and wind going fast,

I was able to cure and take her out from her lusty past.

I cured her to satisfy myself and wanted to resolve my past deeds being a player,

Even though the ship might sink I will be the sailor.

This personality was totally changed from the past,

Mahira and I belonged to the same cast.

Yes, caste and all matters a lot in India for the marriage,

But money is the most important thing on this stage.

In the Indian mentality and being a Patel, you are weighed in terms of money and property,

It feels as if the parents are keeping their daughters on sale.

I pushed myself hard and wanted to prove in all the direction,

Hence, I started a job at one education consultancy and prove my dedication.

All the affection I had was true and clear,

Her father took everything and it was like an explosion of nuclear.

She was taken away from me in the fraction of seconds,

I was craving for her voice and I waited for her in the college stands.

I held on to my feelings and she caged me in her feelings,

It was all again like some stranger things.

The story is about to change its direction,

You will have to wait to read and it is full of action.

**********************

A Long Pause

It was three years and I was alone ranger in my life,

I was toned after the loneliness stabbed me with a knife.

I was totally numb and had no feelings as I was trapped,

It was my destiny again who had slapped.

I use to go in one of the finest gyms of my town,

I had stopped writing at that time and had forgot all the adjectives and noun.

I remember an evening of Saturday and fitness carnival was organised in my gym,

I had done my leg workout and I was barely able to walk on the floor which was green.

I saw the poster of the masterclass of Zumba on the door of my locker,

My legs were sore but I love dance and soccer.

A gym trainer approached me and asked to join the class,

I said "I am just done with my leg workout so I will pass."

Everyone in the gym were excited and I was bored,

I was exiting the gym and I saw her with my legs sore.

I saw one little girl who was supposed to take the batch,

She was not little but her height was such that I thought to throw and catch.

Her name was Swati I saw on the poster,

I literally laughed and passed a comment which was not sober.

I saw her for the first time in my gym so I was curious,

Zumba instructor of my gym introduced me and she was furious.

She insisted me to join the batch and promised it will be fun,

My legs were really sore and I could feel the burn.

Swati asked me to join the batch just for a minute or two,

I said okay and I put on my shoes again and danced thru.

The first song started and my legs were shouting,

I could see swati dancing fearlessly and I was staring.

I was humiliated by the amount of energy she had while dancing,

I left the batch in between and Swati thanked me for staying.

Well, that was a good gesture I thought in my mind which was normal for other and not me,

I was amazed by her glam that I wanted to start the class and pay the fee.

I went home with a big smile on my face,

I had a good day after ages and I couldn't rephrase.

Defining her height was the cruel thing,

She was well toned and in proper figure to look attractive with a nose ring.

I had certain criteria for height and it couldn't match up my list but it was okay,

Since I was the one to hit on first and it was not supposed to be okay.

I scrolled my social media and I found her on the Instagram,

I saw her post and I commented she replied and that was like bham!

I saw it and I was happy so I followed her and didn't expected a follow back,

Swati was born in Hyderabad and her family came back.

I never thought I would ever get a message from her at first,

I was scared of everything and I didn't want to trust.

A day when I was trying the new feature of the Instagram questions,

She texted for the for the first time asking to the suggestions.

What is the reason? Why did I text her?

Am I still not broken enough or did I crave for?

There were two things going around in my mind and my heart,

But it was never a bad day to make a start.

I texted and the conversation was started,

I didn't know what to talk and it was devastated.

The first impression was not pretty good,

I thought that it is not perfect so I stood.

A day after the other we started talking,

First it was about the normal things and then the talks were of liking.

Swati never believed in love and she had a dark past,

I told her my story and we belonged to the same caste.

The amount of talks we did on the Instagram was applaudable,

The emotional changes in me were noticeable.

All these days of talking and only talking we never met each other than the first time,

One night when I was at my friend's place, I went with that friend to pick her mom with a juice of lime.

It was midnight and in the middle of the road a car approached in which my friend's mom was supposed to be there,

I saw swati and her mom with my friend's mom and I was scare.

She was sitting in the front seat with Jenny in her lap,

She was wearing black t shirt and a cap.

Yes, at midnight this person was wearing a cap, guess her weirdness,

Swati's mom seemed fury yet asked me to come home with kindness.

Those 5 minutes of meeting were quite shocking and I didn't know what to respond,

I knew at the same time that this is going to become a great bond.

The next day was normal and I woke up late,

Swati is a normal girl with weird mental state.

I got to know a lot about her wild side and our personality matched a lot,

Although, she stands below my chest and yes, she is very short.

I vividly remember that day when swati texted me randomly and asked to come for a surprise date,

I got shocked and it was 2 years and I haven't been to a date.

I asked her a lot of time to just confirm whether she asked me seriously or not,

She said come to Qwichies and I was hell curious and didn't know what to wear and what to not.

I went to the place it was near to my house,

She was sitting on the first table in the entrance and drinking hot chocolate like a mouse.

I smiled at her and set on the chair in front of her,

She asked me if I wanted anything I said no and she wear's glasses she can't see clear.

We didn't talk for 10 to 15 minutes and it was boring,

While she was having her drink, I saw a silver ring.

I was quite and she was too,

I didn't know what to talk and what to do.

I thought that this is the worst date ever,

And I had thought that she won't come out with me forever.

That was one of the most awkward date for me till today,

Her thoughts were like an ocean and I was like a bay.

Well, the silent date was over and we headed our way back,

She was a wild creature who loved coke and jack.

Swati texted me and said sorry for such a funeral like date,

I convinced her that it was not her fault and I took the bait.

That night we talked for almost 4 in the morning,

It was now the time to sleep but the roads were started and people were horning.

Well, she became my one of hell good friend and we bonded,

She hated cliche lines and she loves her bed.

Swati and I had never met each other since that day,

I thought this is going to be it, as it was not just to slay.

We talked on the Instagram and she loved to share memes,

She was weird character who loved tattoos and nose rings.

It was now the time of 31st night,

Before a day or two me and swati had a great fight.

I asked her about the plans she have for the new year,

She replied with rage and I accepted it in a fear.

It was the time for the party and I went to my friend's place,

She was present and I was not having any cue about the base.

She came with her mom and I met swati's mom and she was cool,

Her mom was making fun of everyone and I was standing like a fool.

The time passed and the real drinks started to hit,

I was not able to stand even so swati came to me and asked me to sit.

It was about to enter in the new year and I looked at the shiny eyes of swati,

I simply kissed her lips and it was like an illuminati.

Her tender lips were amazing and it hit me hard,

She conveyed to me that she has feelings for me and I vomited though she stood like a guard.

It was the vodka and the words that got me drunk,

Swati kissed me again by ignoring that my breath my stink.

She calmed me down and took me to the room,

Again, we kissed and it was the time of the full moon.

I was on the bed and she left and went,

I don't know what happened and I went behind her and sat on the stand.

I got my friend to make a drink for me and swati asked for shots,

It was chilling winter and I was wearing shorts.

Me and swati had four shots like a machine gun,

She was now tipsy and we were dancing- it was fun.

We were almost 10 people in the backyard of the house,

I started to dance and she joined me and had a battle like cat and mouse.

Yes, it was really great and all of the sudden a friend played a romantic song,

I took my glass and left the dance floor and swati came along me and said these songs bores me and asked hit a bong.

Well, the thing where I got uncomfortable was when she held my hand and said "I love you and I have feelings for you",

I got a flashback and I backed myself by saying I have fear to give commitments and I do not trust anyone new.

By the time I said this she was already drunk,

Swati might get that thing in a wrong way and she sipped half of the bottle and made a bunk.

I tried to search her and she was on the swing,

Her head was down and she was holding her silver ring.

I held her hand and asked her to come in,

It was the silent night now all my friends had been to sleeping.

I took her in my arms and got her in to the room,

She was buzzed totally, still wanted to see the moon.

I went away and gave her some space,

She was looking kind and gentle and her hair were on her face.

The night got over and I had the hangover,

She was still in the buzz and she was rolling over and over.

She woke up next to me and looked me into the eye,

Swati exclaimed she is hungry and she needs cheesy French fry.

Well, that was the kick start of the real bond that I was seeking for,

But I was very scared of the promises and didn't wanted to get hurt for sure.

The conversation after that night got different,

She was never too attached to anyone as she was always efferent.

It was the time of May or June when I had observed a change in her,

It was almost a hundred times she had said " I love you" and I had kept ignoring her.

Yes, you may judge me as a stubborn freak but it was the truth,

I had tasted love for twice and it was not my piece of fruit.

I didn't want to hurt myself again and I was clear,

Swati had also gone through the same but she was not in fear.

This time when she exploded her words,

I was not in my senses and it haunted me and I went backwards.

Swati started ignoring my calls and I was still calling,

It was like I am in the outer space and falling.

I understood when this emotions of her were exploded,

I was standing still when this all flooded.

I had feelings for her but the act of ignorance had made me blunt,

She thought I was a piece of shit who just cared for a cunt.

It haunted me a little,

As I was such a person in my past and now, I was subtle.

Thirty-five days and it was all silent,

Few messages and few seconds of talking made it clear it was the end.

The days went like that as she was in her bath phase of her life,

Swati had actually been worse that she had almost touched the knife.

The contact got loosen and she was away,

I knew it will come back if it was real and it happened that day.

When I met her again and we started to talk again,

It was near my poultry farm and there was a smell of the first rain.

She was with me in my car and I pulled her to me,

We got attached like a Fevicol or a glue.

It was the dark night with no moon,

It was my sedan where the seats were down.

She kissed me like she owned me,

It was all good and at last she said again that she loves me.

I stopped! And I confronted her with all the reasons I had,

Though she was listening to me quietly but she was mad.

I had never been such an irrational person who had cared,

We left from that place as a person arrived and stared.

I dropped her to her place and I called her,

She was a bit mad but I had to make it clear.

Swati accepted it after a day or two,

I was secretly in love with her but I didn't want to know.

I kept the secret with myself and I didn't say anything,

I knew I would say it to her someday and let her know everything.

The amount of attraction I had got from her was I always seeking,

I didn't want to comfort her by false promising.

I remember the time when Corona entered India,

And Janta Curfew was implemented where people are to be at home in that criteria.

We had to meet at my friends place which we couldn't due to the news we received,

I had planned to tell her that I loved her but it was destructed.

I was talking to her on day before the curfew and cancelling the plan,

She exclaimed that her parents are seeking for a guy for her and I had dropped my scam.

I said "I love you and I always did from the first kiss till today"

She didn't reply anything and she stopped eating the subway.

Swati asked me a lot of times and I kept saying the words,

I said for a hundred times and she wanted to beat me with the swords.

I was happy after saying the words and it was great for me,

She was appearing to be the best and found out the real me.

The relationship had taken an amazing turn,

But the lockdown was implemented by the government and it was painful burn.

I was not able to meet her after I said yes,

I met her father once at her place and he loved whiskey and chess.

The day when we met was really amazing,

It was like a new person and I had never experienced that thing.

It was really great and her mom called me her son,

Swati is alway chattering and mostly irritating but it was fun.

After a few months of only chatting and video calls we finally met,

She wore black t-shirt and I had worn a red.

She hugged me and it hit me in a different way,

We got tangled into each other's arms like a prey.

People saw us and it was the road where we hugged,

She torn my jeans which was rugged.

Yes, she was a little bitch who had weird attitude,

In per periods, she needs to be pampered and she will be rude.

The things were going great and we made a pact to be together on the 31st December night,

This time we were now committed as a couple and it felt great but we had hosted a fight.

Yes, on that night too we had fought a lot and the plans were dissolving,

A friend of mine and me still went to her place with a rage and the place had lightings and it was mesmerising.

All the anger was gone when I hugged and kissed her forehead,

I sat with her mom and not her instead.

It was a great night which was going and I had cooked chicken tikka for the starter with the drinks,

Swati wanted to have a private time but we were with her mom and dad and the signals were sent via winks.

Finally, we went to her room and hugged each other,

She wore a night robe for me and I couldn't resist to move further.

I was tipsy and she was too,

We kissed with a lot of intensity and it was true.

A tragedy is to be happen as it is my life,

Before having something great I remembered I didn't have the protection and she exclaimed on me with a knife.

Damn! Swati was turned on and there was a lot of heat,

We did nothing and started to drink neat.

She sat in my lap and she was playing with my torn jeans,

I never thought that this love story was once just stranger things.

Well, everything was smooth and good times blanket was all over us,

We were in that time when nobody could apart us.

A time came and it was pathetic,

As there was an entry of the third person and the love story turned which was dramatic.

All of the sudden a best friend arises in the relationship which is enough to ruin your mind and peaceful relation,

All the feelings were moving away and it became like no emotion.

Swati was never like this the way she acted sometimes,

I was in that stage when I had to stop these rhymes.

All of the sudden the love was gone,

The hearts which had melted and formed a new one was now a stone.

The coexistence didn't matter when there was no chance of the survival,

Till then I was hitting hard in the gym and had got an injury in my cervical.

Well, the pain I had already was up to a level,

Again, I was devastated and broken in several.

Why did I do it all again when I had already discovered multiple injuries,

May be those were supposed to be in them to make this a wonderful journey.

Was still wondering if I could get back and hope the things might be in my head,

Swati asked me to go away instead.

The third person was indeed too handsome and he had all qualities that a girl required,

I surrendered myself when she tossed me and got injured.

All the thoughts were murdered and it was again flourished,

It was an ultimate chop off to a wonderful tree which was nourished.

**********************

Never ending trauma

The finest days of my life were gone and I was changed totally due to one girl,

He names is now revealed yet need to say to connect this reel.

People had found it more offensive when I had confronted with the truth,

They questioned on myself and unseen the truth.

There were a lot of guilt in me and it was now haunting me,

Certain actions after we stopped talking had literally blew me.

Some were said with the proof and some were just mysteries,

I controlled myself by thinking that this is a plan to separate and planned all the strategies.

This was the time when even my friends stood against me and left,

I was being blamed for a wealthy theft.

Although, my intentions in the staring were not good,

I had fallen for krisha and I was for real so, I stood.

My people were now with her and cannot imagine my absence of myself in those groups,

I was all alone and destructed by my own troops.

The first time was never enough but still I hoped to solve it on her birthday,

I called krisha to talk and wanted again to make things all okay.

I decided to give her a chance as she had given me,

I never thought I would see such day which actually blew me.

I called krisha at 11:50 and asked her to keep the call till 12:00 clock,

She agreed to that and called her but didn't received and I was shock.

I called her again at 11:59 thinking she might be busy with the cake cutting rituals,

I was literally praying at that time just to talk to her and wish her though I was not at all spiritual.

By the time I called krisha again at 12:00 her call got busy,

I sensed something is wrong with this as it was becoming fishy.

I kept calling multiple times and it was still engaged,

On the other side I was flowing blood from my eyes and calling but she didn't receive and I was damaged.

I was blocked by her at 12:34 but I still kept calling,

I could see myself in me which held on strong was now falling.

Hundred and sixty calls were made that night and I didn't sleep at all,

I had never expected such a dreadful thing in my entire life and it was a huge fall.

By this time, krisha was with that guy who was actually an amazing person,

I was blaming only myself as I couldn't be the best version.

I actually wanted to know the reason behind this breaking,

I didn't know what to do so I started chanting for god and prayed for making.

I went to all the mosques, temples and churches,

I waited to just see her on the ground and the perches.

All the Mannat, candles and prayers didn't work,

I was hurt at the very moment but I was stuck.

I remember the time of that summer night,

I was staring in the dark in the hope of light.

I held on the deeds of mine which were done by me in the past,

It was a depressing moment and my tears started to blast.

I constantly asked myself in front of the mirror,

I was searching for the mistakes and I was getting to know my fear.

The time was late and I was wide awake in the dawn,

I was doing nothing while sitting on the lawn.

I saw a shooting star in the dawn and the sun was rising,

I wanted her in my arms and I passed out, yes it was surprising.

That was something unusual thing that had happened to me on that morning,

I was scared for this break and blackout from the starting.

By the time I was totally in love with her, krisha was gone,

I was wandering in her memories all alone.

I was feeling a sole traveller in the journey of two,

Changes in me were visible but no one noticed not even a few.

I was circled out by my friends and that started to haunt me,

I remember that day when every person had taunt me.

I was framed culprit of the crime which I had never done,

By the time I get back normal, everyone was gone.

I let everybody vanish away from me as I needed my own time,

I had never imagined such an act would be performed by someone who had known me from class nine.

Again, after and month or two I experienced something unusual,

I was feeling my breath getting stopped and body got numb and it was for real.

It was the panic attack which I had received which included the past flaws,

Everything was haunting me and I was being punished as those were the laws.

I didn't know that before, this was very terrifying,

I was not able to even say a word nor wake up from my bed and trust me I am not lying.

All the failure never stopped me to haunt me down,

By three or four months I was declared as a dead clown.

The days were cruel and nasty nights,

It was one of the winter's chilly night.

I was standing in front the temple,

It was the time when I got to know that she is getting married to someone else and it was not controllable.

What did I ever desired to do with her?

Losing her was becoming my only fear.

I held a lot of questions in my mind,

I was only searching for girl of my kind.

I couldn't resist to talk to her,

How can I forget all the moments when I cooked for her and she just stir?

We had pictured a lot of memories in our relationship,

I was destructed in love and wanted to jump from a cliff.

I was blaming myself for all the deeds and I was broken,

I was now on the road which was never supposed to be taken.

I remember it was the night of 31st December and I called her,

Krisha told me things clearly and I was freezing because I didn't had sweater.

When she told me the details of getting married?

I was stuck at the moment and my mind went from Mumbai to Madrid.

I was the only one left in the temple when she told me this,

I tried to stop doing the marriage thing and had please.

"I do not deserve to be with anyone" The last words of krisha,

I went home with rage and drank a full bottle of wine and had sheesha.

I was crying and smoking and drinking in the name of love,

The one who hated to do all the things had started as I was burning from love.

All the wind was passing through me when I drank a bottle of wine,

I went out to get some fresh air and was searching for a soda with fresh lime.

My phone rang again and I was shocked as it was krisha's friend,

She told me to come to her place as soon as I can.

I was witnessing the worst moment of my life,

I was watching my girl sitting in someone's car who were about to strip.

I was numb at that moment and drunk as fuck,

That moment for me was very disturbing and I was struck.

I started my bike and left with a speed,

I pushed the throttle and decided to ram off in a wall and let myself bleed.

I couldn't do it somehow but I wanted to stop my life,

I even searched for a sharp blade or a knife.

I wished to be the best person for krisha,

All I wanted was best to give with pasta and pizza.

The damage was done and it was bleeding from inside,

I bought a blade from the temple I visit with name of the bride.

I ripped of my left hand and it started draining,

Th flow of blood was all over my bike and seemed like flooding.

I was in my subconscious stage and I was riding my bike at full speed,

My hand and clothes were red now and I wanted to die until my blood would bleed.

Never stopped thinking about krisha and I was only searching for the flaw inside,

I would have taken certain steps if she had asked me and would have applied.

I was riding with a full speed that I could barely see,

I was suffering from the pain yet wanted to plea.

The drop of the blood was screaming out loud,

I was felt alone in a room full of crowd.

The carve on my hand was too deep,

I called my friend who was nearby and was asleep.

He saw the hand which was full of colour red,

He slapped me twice for the thing and it was bad.

He took me to the hospital till than I was getting unconscious,

He held me from the back and drove fast and furious.

Went to the doctor and the doctor exclaimed,

You are lucky that you missed to cut off your main vein.

I was miserable and I looked myself in the mirror,

My hand stopped bleeding but it was deep and clear.

I went to home and tried to sleep,

I was getting haunted by certain sounds or even a beep.

My friends came to know about the cut,

They told me to stay aways and framed her as a slut.

My father was never an emotional person but that day he diverged,

I can still hear his voice again and again that he refused to allow me to even his funeral and I was submerged.

I was in the college so I went to the class,

My hand was wrapped with band and people stared at it as I passed.

I was crying my heart of but couldn't let the tears come down,

I was in an intense pain but the love for krisha was still on and I was writing them down.

All that day I thought to keep myself uplifted by the emotions and feelings for krisha,

I was so in to with her that I had disturbed my whole family and I was like blah blah.

People had portrayed me as a culprit of my all the deeds,

I want only one answer from you, Was the fault only in me?

Was it a mistake that I changed to a loving person that just a player?

Don't you think that play dates are better than such bullshit?

I Would answer all these questions but at the end of the book not here,

So, bare me for some more time and don't think too much here.

It was becoming very dispiriting life of mine,

The girl whom I loved is now with someone else and I ended crying and drank the wine.

The pain that I had received by loving a person has come with a price,

I was witnessing one of the major breakdowns in my life but I shall rise.

*********************************

Never ending trauma

The pain was now at the utmost in my life,

This was the second time when someone had stabbed me with a knife.

Mahira's father had called me in the morning and it was Sunday I remember,

He asked me to meet him in person and it was a chamber.

I visited her father and I went inside the chamber which was dark and cold,

I could sense the intensity and it was getting bold.

He gave a mere look and I held my eyes down,

With his harsh voice he asked me to sit down.

I sat and my sight was on the floor,

There were 3 other people in the office and an awkward silence was raised and it got me bore.

He whispered to the guy beside and ask to raise my head,

I raised my eyes and looked into their eyes and next, I woke in the hospital bed.

Yes, they had beaten me up, I was screwed for loving his daughter and it was pathetic,

It was the time when I was blaming myself and I became traumatic.

The first hit was done by the 6 feet fat guy and it was hard,

It was that bad that I had made a permanent scar.

They beat me till the time they wished to do so,

I was bleeding again but this time it was not pain and they let it flow.

Father stopped the other guys and he took the hockey stick and banged on my back,

He slanged me vulnerably and asked to leave her or else he will put me in the stack.

I was able to hear a crack which was in my lower back,

I couldn't get the crime I did, was it bad to love someone I thought and they threw me out like a jute sack.

I managed to get away and I went to one of my friend's place,

When Jiga saw me in that state he went outrage.

The only thing I wanted was to talk to Mahira before everything falls apart,

The wounds were not hurting me much as much as the feeling which was tensed to be apart.

I called Mahira for a hundred of times,

Her father picked the call this time.

He said firmly hello, who is it,

I said with a broken voice, "the one you threatened" and that was it.

He gave me a chance to prove the love I did with the amount of money my parents had,

I asked him on his face the cost she had put up for her girl and I got framed as bad.

Her father portrayed this saying of mine in negative terms,

It was now going to be broken and he confirms.

Sometimes the words we speak may harm the relation which we have with the people,

But the heat I had in my soul was not able to cope up and I was not stable.

By this way I lost it all,

Her father may have proclaimed rise and looked me in my eyes but I witnessed the fall.

*********************

Life or Lost?

By this time, I had seen a lot,

Someone asked me "are you okay" I said yes, but I was not.

By this time of my life, I had loved many times,

I was devoured by the feelings they gave me and it doesn't even rhymes.

I was stuck with the past of mine and still tried to move on and love again,

I never thought it was supposed to be in a haunt game.

The love, the attachment,

The feelings and then ultimately? Retrenchment.

Ergo, I was the one pathetic person in the past,

But this, being in pain was the blast.

The one day I would elaborate was the night of hauntings,

All the past was scrutinizing and it was about my flaws and all efforts were without meanings.

Mistakes are done some in certain or other in an uncertain way,

I got to know at this point of time that it is not going to get away.

By looking in the mirror it was all devastated in front of me,

All the fears of mine were in the reality and mad no sense to me.

Was finding the way to resolve the things that never would have happen,

Had also seen my unreal truth without drawing the curtain.

I was being numb and feelings were derailed,

By this time being a son, brother, friend and boyfriend- I failed.

I was never too good in the academics and not even in the reality,

All the people around me was fooling about me and it was a painful virtuality.

I was witnessing the funeral of my feelings and love,

It was too cold as ice yet burning inside like a stove.

I had a lot of questions for myself and was finding a way to find myself,

This was the time when my loved ones didn't find out that I was in an ice shelf.

Mind was blown and body starts to shiver at night,

All the things eventually come in my mind as soon as I shut my eyes and count get it out of my sight.

The mess that was created by my own and I lost the battle within,

I was never such a horrible person but I was betrayed by everyone and everything.

All these thoughts from the past were now never-ending trauma,

All I needed was a fine wine and a shawarma.

I tried to calm myself by applying several sedatives,

I tried weed and meth to cure my stupid mind and heart in relatives.

The back trips of those things dragged me more towards that,

The moments were freezing every time when I imagined swati with that cool brat.

Swati and I carried a vulnerable bond,

I never knew this would end-up like a back stage brawl.

I couldn't get the scene away my head when her lips were tangled to that guy in black,

I never experienced such an intense kiss and it was with someone else.

The moments like these are stuck in my mind,

I lost myself a lot of time in fining one of my kind.

I wanted an answer about the thing that happened,

I had no guts to ask her and shot inside me as I never mentioned.

It was a high time after this I wanted to let it all go and move away,

I was again the last person who failed in my own eyes and decided to never love anyone in any way.

The backlash like this was not supposed to happen,

All the love stories were not enough to be broken and it was reckoned.

A relationship is of three people,

And the other person always makes you a cripple.

Lost three times within the same decade,

Witnessed the dreams of mine completing with someone else in a parade.

Why is- life in love got me lost?

I held on to my feelings though it went frost.

Felt like the prayers and wishes were vanished away and teared apart,

I could find myself in the pieces and I didn't know how to start.

Could anyone find a way to let me down slowly,

I was never such an uninteresting soul which had fallen apparently.

The feelings are still freeze but the wounds are fresh,

Neither the drink worked to heal nor the exotic hash.

It is great to feel distracted to love someone unconditionally and expect nothing revert,

All the affection was true, intense and pure,

I am still in wonder why needed to abort?

Out of all the love and feelings,

All the mess created in my head had nothing with my dealings.

Empty pocket and wicked dreams,

Was drowning in the little river streams,

It was too loud to hear as my heart still screams.

Life is alone and don't believe in anything as it could be a clone,

The war was against me and my emotions where my soul had left me all alone.

From the imperfection love to the raging pain,

All the memories were still fresh as a stain.

Although the dark incidents happened to me,

I filled the ocean with my tears but it was not for free.

Though I have lost in love and even in life,

The flaws of mine were never too low it was like a knife.

All the ones had asked me to never show my face,

I still smile here for all of them and I embrace.

****************************

"Some love stories are never meant for the endings,

If it ends, it was never a love story…"

- The Idiotic Writer

"Further are some real poems that I had written in the past"

LOST LIFE AND

THE UNSORTED

When in love, love like no one else,

She/he will recognise one day if it is not a false.

Life in love gives you good back up,

All the other trauma you have to stack up.

Depending upon the situation of the individual and the intensity of their love,

It's not about the priority list but you need to keep them all above.

Never get dissatisfied with the love you do,

I have known now- how much it takes to love and prove.

Nobody can understand yourself than you,

Don't try to kill yourself for others and make yourself new.

Attraction and emotion are a different thing and it should not be mixed,

At certain time you will find it un-resolving and that will break all the things that was fixed.

Mental state in love gets frequent aches,

At this point of time, you would even wonder your life when humans were apes.

Some funny and contextual lines are needed,

Because even I know that you have lost your love and dreaded.

Why is it always that you end-up broken and scattered into worst?

What happens about those unfinished and broken promise?

Ever felt lonely in the group of people?

Cheers, we are in the same club drunk and high and still stable.

The drink you drank and the tears you showered,

What about those nights when your shoulders were covered?

All the small talks which led to endless fight,

You still love that person even if you are separated or married and still wish for their one sight.

Ever checkup upon them on the regular basis?

Trust me we all have been unjustified in the relation and got compared with feces.

Social media platforms- the bless or the curse?

You already thought about that person before this verse.

Those glittery eyes in those archived photos are still there to make you smile,

That person is now in an archived file with whom you wanted to walk a hundred mile.

All the festivals and vibes make you more needy for that person,

For them, you always desired to be the best version.

Those arguments and long messages and sleepless nights,

The romantic or sad songs makes you remember those feeling and ignites.

A perfect example of happiness for you was them,

You look happy like the flower but you have settled your pain in the stem.

The plant you sow in the name of love is now dead,

You still water them by remembering them and those memories though it will still be dead.

Some old chats and the talks are still scrolled by you,

You thought you would be happy with someone better and you fine new.

People are there in your life and still incomplete without them,

Why to end this in the ultimate condemn.

So many why's and no answer I have got,

These mixed feelings and emotions need to get sort.

I know we all have a few words, lines that you would like to tell that person whenever got a chance,

Nothing will satisfy you until you speak that, though it is hilarious joke or a rain dance.

I have never sorted out my emotions and the feelings I had and that is how and why I have lost myself in loving,

This the reason to fire the words in the poems to make myself moving….

That is me- I am Lost in Love

**************************

The Crossroads

You were lost in the countryside and giving the direction to the one in metros,

Normal text from you leads your connection huge chaos.

You meant to say something else,

And the other one translated as false.

All the noise in their head is due to the city,

Yet, the blame is on you and that makes you feel petty.

This disconnection and long distance have made you very alone,

You keep finding the pieces to solve the puzzle and make a clone.

The time when you read the time 11:11 you wished to be with them,

You know you had no money to afford a diamond but you kept that person as a gem.

All the movies and songs remind you of the one you love,

The times when you said truly sometimes and the other said it is a bluff.

All the warmth you get after hugging the pillow or a toy,

Everybody cries when heart aches even if it is a girl or a boy.

Boys are tough just by their appearance and their words,

If the guy hugged and cried his heart out means he is beaten up in love with swords.

Cheers to those unfinished promises and those drives,

Still sometimes those moments are alive in you when you hit the same road make you cry.

The indefinite love and unbearable pain,

You never thought this was about a losing game.

No guts! No glory! No emotions! All you need a scotch or a speeding bike leading nowhere,

No messages to reply! No calls even after waiting! You are sailing in a ship which you cannot steer.

Some long phrases and some are short,

You are in such a condition where you don't know whether to wait or abort.

The distance was never too much to explain,

All the talks took in verge and converted the eternal pain.

The social media and digital talks are meant to make people connected,

Why did it disconnect me to myself and everything faded?

The time grew and you too,

The relation sailed in the sea and made storms and passed through,

Cheers to you who has now become my friend for a 3 AM crew.

I think we all need a hideout place to talk and chat a little,

I want to seek my answers in all of you and shine a little.

All the throttle in the relationship we did was too harsh,

Now it will take a lot of time to start a new one until humans live in mars.

The 70 percentage of the world population is with broken or unsorted heart,

Let us all find the real answer for ourselves and make the new world where you would never have to be apart.

*********************

PRESENT OF THE FUTURE PAST

The day I held your hand - I never lied,

I still remember those days and cry.

I miss the way I looked at you and your kiss on the forehead,

I still hug the pillow and kiss it - when I am on my bed.

All the things got vanished away - all of the sudden,

I held the pain within this poem and it has been a huge burden.

The love is unforgettable,

The pain is unbearable.

The damage shall take some time - it is repairable.

I still miss the way I loved you,

I still miss myself in loving you.

I miss the way you irritate,

I miss those problems which we used to mitigate.

Not a single drink is working nor any substance,

I want all this to go away and need you back in an abundance.

************************************

Me & Mine

These wonderful scenic views and surrounded with positivity,

Every time when she put a smile - she eliminates the negativity.

The chipping of birds - when the sun rise,

She is sleeping in my arms and looks like a baby - to be precise.

She shivers the most after the shower,

She craves for my arms in order to cover.

I had a company whom I called mine,

We use to sit every night and finish a bottle of wine.

**************************

Motivative Emotion

Sun dived in the ocean of emotions,

Your heart is broken yet though got some modifications.

The depth of ocean was less than their memories,

In the season of autumn - they chopped you with the tree.

Do not fool yourself with the fake smile that you carry,

I hope you don't fall for them again, it is scary.

Why do you have their photos in the archives?

You still held feelings for them - it describes.

Sober mind and drunk words,

You dreamt to fly high but you were the flight less birds.

Prayers and wishes were for them when they went,

Be like a snake and try to sense the vibrations and leave the scent.

Uncertainty was certain - right from the starting,

We all are being judged from the time of fighting.

No one can help you until you help yourself,

We shall wish the best for ourself or dream of an elf.

************************

A Subtle Fuck Off

The sun sets and the sun rises,

Every day is new regardless the crises.

Being thankful for the life we have,

Though having everything, we still crave.

Days in work and mind working on the nights,

To those dead silence after those nasty fights.

Now the silence has prevailed and won the battle,

Chaos is placed on the shelf and made ourselves little subtle.

Don't give a fuck for the others but you,

Don't seek to find someone when you have lost yourself so just sit by the view.

Know your worth,

There were blessings and prayers for your birth.

Don't wait for the love and don't wait for them to praise,

When you handled your worst nights then why to care for the lightless days.

***********************************

A Rain in December

A wave of her memories came and grabber me this morning,

It woke up imagining her beside me and saw it was raining.

The smell of the mud in winter season,

Got me a big smile for no reason.

I scrolled the pictures of her smile,

I stood in the balcony and witnessed her aura for a while.

Took a warm shower in the chilly time,

Though it was a morning, I was craving for a wine.

This unannounced condition had thrown me back,

All of the sudden the good things from the past started to attack.

Nonetheless it was for a minute or two,

Between the pain and rain, we all grew.

A huge fake smile was heavy to lift by my heart,

My eyes pondered blood and accepted the reality that we fell apart.

**************************

Pain of Rain

The rain is my best friend and it helps me to Pour my thoughts,

Feelings for her is just like these droplets, small yet by itself it sorts.

The demolishing mood of the rain is not to give us the pain,

It's the time when it also goes in to the vein.

When the clouds shower the water,

It lowers my hearts temperature.

Water is meant to stop the fire,

The over whelming rain can be a destroyer.

Cannot imagine how much the rain does,

Just by drinking water in love- we get the buzz.

An unannounced proper are okay,

Some things are just not meant to be together and some to keep away.

A silence can be felt in the heavy rain storm,

It is not going to be forever as the sun rises and makes him warm.

In search of sun I shower with rain,

We are all blessed to find our sun in this infinite Pain.

For You from You

Hey you, yes you! Stop faking smiles,

You are alone to walk the million miles.

The waves of the ocean and the flow of the river,

With raging mood swings your company got from a lot to fewer.

Stop finding happiness in other and love yourself the most,

Stop waiting for the ones who sailed in the ocean stop spreading the tears at the coast.

You walk the lonely road yet have a company of their memory,

Stop being stagnant for them who were always binary.

Sometimes it okay for you to not being happy,

But dressing up for nothing but for yourself is always classy.

Go on a solo date and find yourself - my mate,

It is now the time to let go, so please open the gate.

Live a moment for you,

Don't try to change yourself for the ones who are new.

The Ivory Soul in the dark

The things from the past have haunted me down,

I was standing alone in the middle of the town.

The uncertain words were showered on me,

Thought they wanted to find an escape route from me.

Mind started to boggle and I shit the doors,

If this was never meant then why did they get me this close.

Trying again to love and get love is a huge step,

Lifted heavy than my capacity just to hit one rep.

My heart raved like an engine when I was in love,

It got me travel for a while and blew up on the dangerous curve.

This darkness and thoughts are blessings from them,

I am looking for the ivory love beneath the darkness,

This time it's not about a person but the real gem.

A Flood

I saw her picture on my friends' profile,

I was showering tears over her beautiful smile.

The flashbacks starter and the time together gave a backlash,

She was like the finest dawn and led myself high on hash.

Her eyes were looking right into mine,

The addiction of her love is incomparable even with wine.

The watch on her right wrist reminds of the old days,

We both prayed for us and faith that this relation stays.

Starring at her picture had let myself numb,

I am sinking in the ocean off her memories and falling without a jump.

This is real love I ever did to one,

She was like the moon yet shined brighter than the sun.

She was my dawn and the dusk,

Without her my life is like an elephant without a tusk.

I sleep in her memories yet wide awaken,

I am guilty about the road that was not supposed to be taken.

***********************************

The Time and Her

It was the time when the sky was blue,

Was the time when her eyes approved.

The smile embraced my day and night,

I fell for her in a merely sight.

Her hairs were not so curl,

She gets those dimples when smiles - costs more than the pearl.

Her eyes were even shinier than the moon,

Can feel the warmth from her hug,

In the coldest weather, she was my noon.

Could not describe her with many words,

She is the synonym for all the beautiful words.

After all the description of her,

All I want is to say - I miss her.

I wish for the time that would have never come,

And we would have been together and have fun.

I will remember her and I miss her every day,

My feelings for her are unconditional and it may rain in the month of May.

********************************

The Flowing Love

Love is like a river that never stops,

It yields humans as if they are the crops.

Water in it gives life an emotion,

Although, there are a lot of hindrances, it keeps the motion.

Falling from high and spreading nowhere,

Love is alike, it is hidden in the heart everywhere.

The flow of river and love may go wild,

Those are the emotions of them which never get mild.

The colour of water may vary,

The colour of love changes and may become scary.

Some rivers are shallow and some are deep,

At the end its the ocean where it settles and sleep.

Same as love which may go fierce,

At the end the mood can be lighten up, when are near to our rivers.

River gives life,

Love gives us the reason of life.

An ocean of her memories

It's been a long time that I held on to my feelings,

She went away as she focused on the flaws and leaning.

Though her memories are enough to let myself for the rest of my life,

A dream is scattered and it was to make her my wife.

She was my pride and might remain,

I still love her unconditionally regardless the stain.

I need her as the plant needs the sunlight,

Her pictures are still owning my gallery though separated by a fight.

I crave for her sight,

I wish it was never ended in the fight.

I think of her every single night,

It's because I fell in her love from a distant height.

*************************************

She and the clouds

Yet another day spent well in her memories,

Although my soul is lost, my peace shall be witnessed in the cemeteries.

The cloud of her memories hovered again,

Even the might river never complains about the pain,

When falls from a height and holds the pain.

The obsession for her love shall always remain,

After the enormous heat, these clouds shall rain.

She is settled in my heart,

Though different from one another,

Like water and fire seem together,

Not apart.

This co-existence of the soul and search,

Though being an atheist, I lit the candle of hope with her in the church.

The days have become numb and the nights have held my darkness,

Archived chats and her pictures help to satisfy my emptiness.

Just like that these clouds shall pass,

After days of handwork her memories help me to relax - like I am walking bare foot on the grass.

******************************

To Them

To the person for me and for all,

With the season of love regardless its fall,

Surrounded oneself with boundaries and built huge wall.

The Sun, the Moon and the Earth,

Nothing can replace her and their warmth.

The depth of the ocean is a dangerous beauty,

Only a few survived in such depth even in love - though a serendipity.

Loyalty, understanding and the trust,

The relation was strong like an iron and got the rust.

Fake smiles and devastated mental health,

Becoming strangers at the end - is the ultimate souvenir of love as wealth.

Forcing words to describe my emotion,

In love and till today - they are our devotion.

The Last Words

For the memories may come and memories may go,

We shall go on forever.

For the time it took to know and with-it growth,

We shall water forever.

For the chats we scroll and tears shed slow,

We shall hold on to our emotions forever.

For the feelings for them and pain that flows,

We shall trust the love we did forever.

For the moon of the night and her face glow,

We shall lay faith on the moon forever.

For the Idiots like me and idiots like you,

We shall love and keep loving forever.

For the love and the happiness,

We shall seek for our soulmate forever.

For the dates and the pizzas regardless the rates,

We shall pay the end bills as bliss forever.

*********************************

"That's all from my end"

Thank you.

- The Idiotic Writer