Sarah had been quite conflicted since she and Pete had brought their son Finn home from the pack hospital. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy being a mother, on the contrary, she had never been happier, but becoming a mother had brought up some feelings she thought she had dealt with back when she was a teenager. She was quiet and withdrawn as she struggled during the first few weeks of motherhood.
Pete was quietly worried about her and as he was going to have to go back to work soon, he suggested to Sarah that he ask his mother to come and stay for a few weeks. Sarah was upset by his suggestion at first, did Pete think she couldn’t cope with her own son? He had hugged her tight and told her that wasn’t the case, it was just she was so tired, he thought his mother could help, that was all. In the end, Sarah had reluctantly agreed, Finn was a hungry baby and most of the time she just felt like a walking feeding machine, it might be nice to have someone here to talk to.
Pete’s mother Helena jumped at the chance to come and stay, and much to Sarah’s surprise they really bonded over the following weeks. Helena became the mother she had never had. She made sure Sarah ate properly during the day when Pete was at work, she helped by keeping up with the laundry and housework and every afternoon, she and Sarah would bundle Finn up in warm clothes and would take him for a walk around a nearby park.
Eventually, Sarah started to feel like her old self again, she even confided in Helena about her own upbringing, something she had never really talked about to anyone. The state had taken care of her, she had been given a roof over her head, food to eat and clothes to wear, but she had never had the one thing she really needed, love. She had struggled with Finn at first as she had no idea what a mother was supposed to do. One thing she did know however was every time she looked at Finn she was overcome with feeling of love, no matter how tired she was or how much vomit she was covered in, she adored this little boy with all her heart. She started to think about her own mother for the first time in a long time and the fact she had given her away, cast her aside like an unwanted pet. How could she do that? Sarah knew that she would never part with her child, she would fight to the death for him, it just seemed naturally built into her to protect her son, no matter what. It brought back some dark memories of her own childhood too, how she had been bullied at school for having no parents, how she had felt unwanted and unloved. Had there been something wrong with her, was that why her mother didn’t want her? It had always fuelled a feeling in Sarah that she was never good enough, a feeling she had struggled to shake off even in adulthood.
“Have you ever tried to find her? Helena asked her gently.
“No, I used to dream about meeting her when I was younger but no, I’ve not tried. I suppose I thought she had a reason for not wanting to know me.”
“Don’t be too harsh on her,” said Helena, “She may have not had a choice.”
Sarah just nodded as they continued their walk.
“I know Pete doesn’t show his feelings much but I know he would do anything for you and Finn,” continued Helena, “You should talk to Pete about how you feel, I know he would help you, if you wanted to find her that is.”
“I’m not sure what I want if I’m honest, I’ll think about it though.” nodded Sarah.
“Maybe if you know why she gave you up it might put some of those feelings you have in to perspective.”
Sarah agreed but was also worried that knowing the truth could make it worse, her mother might have just seen her as an inconvenience, an unwanted product of a one night stand perhaps, a source of shame. In the end and after much thought, Sarah decided not to pursue the matter. She had her own family now, Helena was like the mother she’d never had and Pete’s father, Mani, was always there for them, quietly supportive. She had her mate who was the love of her life, and her son, the one person on the planet she knew she was related to and that was enough for her. She would make sure that Finn would know the love of a family and would never feel alone, she would break the cycle for good.
Sarah was quite sad when Helena returned to Kinhaven, she was feeling much better though, Finn was finally sleeping through the night so Sarah had decided to do some studies while she was on maternity leave to expand her skills for when she eventually returned to work.
It warmed Sarah’s heart watching Pete interact with their son, he was a wonderful father and she knew Finn would never want for anything. Pete seemed happy too, he was much more relaxed than he was when they first got together and he smiled a lot more too. He spent every day at work just longing to go home to his mate and pup, Rufus was smitten with them both and he got unsettled when he was away from them for too long. Every night, the minute they got home, Rufus would push Pete around the house until he found his son, he would scoop him up and barely put him down until bath time. It was Pete’s favourite time of the day, his son looking up and smiling at him while kicking his arms and legs about in the warm water, he was fair like his father but he had Sarah’s big brown eyes which would look at Pete adoringly. Sarah would give him his last feed then Pete would settle him into his crib, staying with him until he fell asleep and then it was his and Sarah’s time to be together.
Weekends were Sarah’s favourite part of the week as Pete would bring take out food home on Friday nights then they would spend the whole evening together as a family. Saturdays they usually drove to Kinhaven so Sarah and Finn could spend time with Pete’s parents while Pete took Rufus for a run. Rufus had become much stronger since meeting Sarah and more so after they had Finn. Pete used to let him out for a run every couple of months but now it had to be every week or Rufus would be scratching to get out driving Pete almost insane. It was a good routine for all of them, Sarah was looking after Finn and studying during the week, and weekends were for family and relaxation.
Sarah’s maternity leave flew by and the next thing they knew they were going to have to find a nursery for Finn. Both were worried, their son was taller than the average one year old, advanced for his age and they felt he would stand out in a human nursery. There was a wolf nursery in Kinhaven but that was an hour’s drive away and they had even considered moving to Kinhaven and commuting in to Edinburgh from there. Sarah wasn’t actually opposed to this idea as it was a nice place to raise a child and there were other half wolf children there too, Finn wouldn’t be the odd one out and feel alone like she had done for much of her childhood.
One Saturday as they were driving to Kinhaven, Pete was musing to himself about how much had changed in the last year or so. He hadn’t bought the sports car he had wanted when he scammed the £300,000 out of Gordon Harris, he had bought a sensible people carrier instead. It was better for Finn’s car seat and pushchair and all the other things that parents had to transport around with them when children arrived. He had spent some more of the money on converting a room in his house for his son and still had more than enough left for a rainy day if he ever needed it.
He would never tell Sarah but he was conflicted about her going back to work, both he and Rufus would have preferred one of them to be with Finn at all times, but he knew she loved her job and she would be miserable if she couldn’t work. Maybe if they found the right nursery he would feel better, he shook his head to break this negative chain of thought. He would talk to his father, maybe he would come up with a solution.