"I was expecting the worst," Matthew muttered from where he sat hunched over his book, "and yet it was still not as bad as this."
"The more of your attention you divert to complaining, the less of it you're using to read, Mr. Montoya," Alvaro answered as he pulled boxes out of his classroom closet.
"Hey, I'm great at multi-tasking."
"It's been five minutes and you are on the first page."
"Given what I'm working with I'd say that's a goddamn miracle," Matthew said, holding up his worn paperback copy of Twelfth Night. It was the first of a giant stack of Shakespeare Alvaro handed him when he and Alex had first walked into his classroom. Matthew to serve his chess club sentence, and Alex to inquire about those lessons his teacher had offered. His near meltdown on Saturday and the unintentional candle outage at the vigil had convinced him he should probably take them.
"An act a day," Alvaro said when he gave Matthew the massive tower of books the second that they entered. "Every day until you're finished. And you'll get a basic comprehension quiz for each one, so make sure you're comprehending. It will count to your grade."
"What?" Matthew shrieked so loud Alex covered his ears. "You can't do that."
"Who will stop me, Mr. Montoya?"
"...You are evil."
"So I've been told. Go on then. Get started."
Matthew grumbled to himself more as he carried his precarious stack over to one of the desks at the back of the room. Alvaro stared him down until he settled into his seat and opened the first book, then he turned his attention to Alex.
"Did Coach Sanders neglect to tell me that you had been punished as well," he started, "or is there something else I can help you with Mr. Conrad?"
"Um, I just wanted to talk to you about those exercises you mentioned," Alex said, suddenly feeling embarrassed. "If you- Well if you're still- I know it was Sanders who..."
Alex trailed off, and Alvaro's expression softened ever so slightly. "The offer still stands," he said. "Despite all the evidence to the contrary, Sanders is not dumb enough to volunteer me for things I'm not willing to do. Would you like to begin now?"
"Oh." Alex glanced at Matthew, who was staring down at his book with a scrunched face, his glasses in front of his eyes for a change. "Um. Well, you- Are you not too busy right now?"
"I think I can manage the two tasks at once."
Alex hesitated, his gut churning at the thought of using his powers while someone who wasn't fireproof was in the room. When Alvaro noticed his eyes going to Matthew again, he leaned in closer to speak in a quiet voice. "If you prefer privacy, we could arrange it for another time," he said. "Though I am meant to be playing warden for a month, and the sooner the better is the case for you, I'd say. I suppose I could stay later, and you could come back in an hour."
"I don't want to take too much of your time."
"You're not taking it, Alexander, I'm giving it."
"...Oh."
"Does that work for you?"
"Well, it's not that I feel like I need privacy. I just... I don't trust myself. My powers. I... I don't want to hurt anyone."
"I see. Do you trust me to keep everyone safe?"
"I don't!" Matthew suddenly shouted. "You're basically torturing me already!"
"I was not asking you, moscoso. Though if you'd rather have my undivided attention-"
"No, no. Never mind." Matthew held the book up to pointlessly hide his mouth as he loudly whispered, "Don't leave me alone with him, Allie."
Alex smiled and shook his head. "I do trust you, sir," he said to his teacher. "I'm ready to start now."
"Bien. Do me a favor and move some of these desks up front. Enough to make a decent circle of free space. I'll get some supplies from my closet."
Within a few minutes Alex had cleared the space, Alvaro got what he needed, and Matthew managed to complain three more times before Alvaro threatened to make him read the Shakespeare plays in Spanish. The boxes Alvaro got out of his closet were a collection of different colored candles in clear glass holders. Alex thought they looked familiar, and after a second he realized they had been among the mismatched candles at the vigil. Alvaro arranged them in a circle in the now clear space at the front of his classroom, then directed Alex to sit at the center of it.
"You look like you're summoning a rainbow demon," Matthew piped in when he saw what they were doing.
"Are you even at the second scene yet, Mr. Montoya?" Alvaro asked.
"Yes."
"What country are they in, then?"
"... Italy? Willie liked doing that, right?"
Alvaro rolled his eyes. "Back to your own business. Ready to begin, Mr. Conrad?"
"Yes," Alex said, unable to stop his voice from shaking. "Um, you don't want to me to light all of these do you?"
"Not at first, no. We'll be working through this in steps. This exercise is about honing your precision and control. You'll look around the circle. Memorize where the colors are positioned in it. Their distance from each other and you. The end goal will be for you to light and extinguish the correct colors I call out with your eyes closed."
"Closed?"
"The end goal, Alexander. You'll start with your eyes open, of course."
"Right."
"What's your favorite color?"
"Orange," Matthew answered from his desk. Alex was surprised he could even hear them. "His favorite color is orange."
Alex warmed slightly at the fact that Matthew remembered that. Alvaro narrowed his eyes and went to rummage through his desk drawer, pulling out a Walkman that looked even more dinged up than the one Matthew had given Ellie. He rifled around a little more until he found some clunky headphones and then walked them over to Matthew's desk.
"Lee. La. Obra," he said slowly, putting the items on his desk. "Use these to stay focused, niño entrometido ."
"Oh, Men at Work," Matthew said as he popped open the cassette deck. "Surprising, but respectable."
Matthew closed the deck and put the headphones on, miming a zipped lip before he hit play. Alvaro waited for him to actually pick up his book again before he went back to working with Alex.
"We'll start with the orange candle, then," he said once he got back to his own desk. "I trust since you were working with Dr. Bayer, you were using her memory association method?"
"Yes. But..."
Alvaro raised an eyebrow, waiting for Alex to finish, but the words were getting stuck in his throat. Alvaro seemed to figure out why fairly quickly.
"It can be difficult sometimes," Alvaro said, so quiet that Alex almost couldn't hear him, "to find memories that are not tinged with emotions we'd rather not relive. Even the best of them can grow... bittersweet. I would caution against trying to avoid them altogether, though, Mr. Conrad. Grief is another expression of love, after all."
Alex swallowed hard, a little thrown by how perceptive his teacher was proving himself to be. "The memory I was using was of my dad," he whispered. "He's been... sick for a while."
"I've heard."
"He's gotten worse lately."
"Lo siento, niño."
Alex's chest tightened. "It's hard to think about him without feeling like I'm going to lose control," he admitted.
"That's what I'm here for. Though if it proves too much, we can go without the memory association. And perhaps that is something you can talk through with Dr. Bayer, yes?"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Ready?" Alex didn't trust himself to speak without his voice shaking, so he just nodded his head. "Light the orange one."
Alex stared down the wick of the orange candle, gathering enough bravery to let an image of his father come to mind. For a second, he saw that memory he had been using before. Of Utkarsh comforting Julia and Laurent. But it was almost immediately replaced by a different one. A fear more than a memory. Utkarsh was lying in bed, in his room that looked like it belonged in a hospital. Doctors were around him at first, but then they were gone. Alex was the only one left by his side. Then he was gone too. Alone. Utkarsh was completely alone.
There was a tug in Alex's gut, and the wick on the orange candle flared to life. It was stronger than Alex had planned it, and a spike of panic flashed through his body. Panic that only made the flame burn brighter. Hotter. Bigger.
"Cálmate, niño, " Alvaro said as the flame died down without Alex telling it to. "Don't psyche yourself out, you're doing fine. I'm going to let it go, okay? Stay focused."
"Right. Sor- Thank you," Alex said, stopping himself from apologizing.
Alvaro nodded, and Alex could practically feel him letting go of the flame. It flared up again slightly, but Alex let out a shaky breath and tampered it back down to a small glow.
Despite his instincts telling him he shouldn't, he let his mind conjure up another hazy image of Utkarsh. Not the memory of him with Laurent and Julia. Not the fear of him being alone in his sickbed. In fact, this time Alex was the one in a sickbed. He was small and frail and struggling to breathe. He must have been three years old at most, still trying to pull through that sickness he had been born with. Utkarsh was sitting beside him, singing a Hindi lullaby Alex had long since forgotten the words to. But the melody was so etched into his brain he doubted he could forget it if he tried.
"I won't give up on you," Utkarsh muttered when he was done singing. "I won't let her either. I promise, beta. Your future is too beautiful for you not to see it."
"Good job, Alexander," Alvaro's voice said, bringing Alex back to reality. He wasn't entirely sure if what he saw was a memory or just a product of his imagination. "Hold it steady for five more seconds, then put it out."
"I-I've never done that on purpose, sir," Alex admitted, his embarrassment causing the flame to grow ever so slightly. Alex tried to relax enough to bring it back down. "Put a fire out with my powers. I mean, I did it yesterday, but it was an accident."
"Do you remember where your head was at in the moment?"
"...Yes."
"Do you think you could go back there for a second?"
"I'll try."
Alex kept the flame steady as he counted to five, holding his breath the whole time without realizing. When he was done, he let himself think of Baptiste. Of his father too. Of their lives cut short in different ways. He felt the tightness in his stomach seize up for a moment as the flame sputtered and went out.
"Good," Alvaro said as Alex's stomach relaxed. "Do you know the myth of Prometheus, Alexander?"
"Um, it's Greek, right?" Alex said, hoping he was remembering his classics class correctly. "He... he got his heart pecked out by birds?"
"His liver," Matthew interrupted. Alvaro frowned at him as he quickly covered his mouth. "Sorry. The song ended. Minding my own business."
"Do you remember why?" Alvaro said, looking back at Alex.
"He... angered somebody," Alex said, not exactly sure why he was getting this kind of lesson suddenly. "I don't remember who."
"The gods. He brought fire to mortals. The gods thought that was too much power for humans to hold. Because with fire came civilization. You think of your powers as only a source of strife. Of danger. And it can be. It's good that you know that. But fire is more than that. It's warmth. Light. Life."
"I see your point. I think."
"Your powers are strong because your emotions are as well. You feel ashamed about that, but you shouldn't. Old families so often like to discourage strong emotions. They're seen as a hindrance. A weakness, even. And there are times when yes, emotions need to be dampened or put to the side. But there are also times when it can act as our guide. When it should. As with most things, the key is balance."
"Right... Sir?"
"Yes?"
"Did you- I mean, do you- Never mind."
Alvaro raised an eyebrow as he leaned against his desk. Alex thought he saw one of the corners of his mouth tick up like it wanted to smile, but he wasn't sure. "Go on," he said, sounding like he knew what Alex had stopped himself from saying. "You can ask."
"Do you feel strongly? Is that why you know these advanced techniques?"
"I do have a reputation, don't I? Of being cold and uncaring." Alvaro looked over at Matthew and intentionally raised his voice. "Evil, even."
Matthew glanced up from his book and shot Alvaro a glare. "Don't taunt me, viejo," he shouted louder than he needed to.
"Some of my knowledge simply comes with age," Alvaro continued at a normal volume. "I've also been privileged enough to travel. To meet wyverns around the world and learn their different ways of doing things. But yes. I would say I feel strongly as well. It took a long time for me to accept that about myself. And sometimes I still do genuinely overcompensate." Alvaro leaned in with a small but genuine smile on his lips. "But for the most part my reputation is more of a calculated façade. I would not last long if you brats all thought I was a pushover, would I?"
"Your secret is safe with me, sir," Alex promised. "Though, I'm not sure anyone would believe me if I told the truth either."
"No, I don't think they would," he said, looking pleased about that for a second before reassuming his neutral demeanor. "Ready to light another?"
"Yes."
"Alright. Let's try the light blue now."
The two went on like that for about an hour. Alvaro would call out a color, and Alex would let his mind conjure up memories as he lit the corresponding candles. They weren't what Alex would call positive, exactly. More like... warm. Some were of his father. Him comforting Alex's cousins. Him singing that lullaby. Him chasing that mutt Alex had tried to make their pet. But some weren't. Some were of Monsieur Abbey. Their quiet French lessons. The days they practiced on the range. Some were of Sean and Jack. The two of them making Alex ditch a class or dragging him to Paris during break so he could be their translator.
Alex surprised himself when towards the end of the lesson the warm memories started including Matthew. That brief moment at Ellie's party, when the four of them sat talking on those beanbags. The days Alex and Matthew had been spending at the library after classes, how it had become a routine without either of them having to say it. Matthew making him that hot chocolate despite his threat not to.
When Alvaro asked him to extinguish the candles, Alex's mind conjured up what he could only describe as cold memories. The days he had spent by his father's side as he lay in varied states of sedation. The last time he saw Monsieur Abbey. His father not reacting to his voice over the phone. His mother's callousness when... Well, always really. But especially in those moments when he so desperately wanted her comfort. Baptiste. His death. The guilt Alex felt over it. The pain it caused so many students. The gnawing feeling that the truth was being covered up by his family.
Warm memories as he lit the candles. Cold ones as he snuffed them out.
Just as Alex was starting to feel a little physically spent, Alvaro walked into the circle and put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "That's enough for today, Mr. Conrad," he said, offering a hand up. "Good work."
"Thank you, sir," Alex said, taking his hand and unfolding his stiff legs to stand.
Once Alex was steady on his feet Alvaro turned to look at Matthew. "Montoya are you not done yet?" he asked.
"Oh, no, I finished a long time ago," Matthew answered. Alex looked over to see he had put his book to the side and was watching them with his head resting on his chin, his headphones only covering one of his ears. "Watching you guys was cool. I feel like you could put on a sick light show. Set a routine to Bohemian Rhapsody or something."
"To what?" Alex asked. Matthew narrowed his eyes and pulled out his notebook with The List from his trouser pocket.
"I knew you didn't really know who Queen was," Matthew muttered as he wrote the new addition.
"Alexander, would you mind putting away the candles?" Alvaro asked as he grabbed a sheet of paper and pen from his desk. Alex nodded as his teacher went and placed the paper on Matthew's desk.
"Oh, come on," Matthew said, slumping when he saw what the paper was. "I thought you were joking about the quiz."
"Feel free to leave it blank," Alvaro said, holding the pen out to him. "I recommend against it; you need all the extra credit in my class you can take."
Matthew straightened his posture. "Extra credit? But you said-"
"It would count to your grade. Not my fault you made assumptions."
Matthew grinned and grabbed the pen. "You really are a softie, aren't you?"
"Do not push your luck."
"Gracias, viejito ."
Alvaro rolled his eyes again and grabbed the copy of the play from Matthew's desk before he began. By the time Alex had all the candles back in their box and the box in the closet, Matthew proudly held up his finished quiz. "Aced it," he announced with confidence.
Alvaro took the paper and quickly scanned it. "You only got two right," he said, earning an involuntary giggle from Alex.
"There were only three questions!" Matthew defended. "That's a majority."
"Still not an A," Alex pointed out. "Thought you were supposed to be good at math."
"Fine, give me another one Alvaro, I'll-"
"No," Alvaro said quickly. "You two can leave now. Mr. Conrad, why don't you come back on Wednesday? Take tomorrow to rest, and Friday you can save your energy for your session with Dr. Bayer."
"Okay," Alex said as Matthew let out a pained groan.
"I have to deal with this alone?" He complained.
"It's almost like you're being punished for something," Alvaro said, feigning shock. "Goodbye now."
"But-"
"Adios, mocoso."
"Ugh. Fine. Come on, Allie."
"Thank you for all your help, sir," Alex said as he followed Matthew out of the room. Alvaro nodded one last time before closing his door behind him. "I told you he doesn't hate you," Alex told Matthew once he caught up to him.
"He made me read Shakespeare, Alex," Matthew pointed out. "He's going to keep making me for a month."
"At least you'll be ahead of the curve when we get to that unit in class."
"Your hour looked intense."
"Sorry if it made you uncomfortable."
"What? No. I meant it when I said it looked cool. You just... you looked like some shit was going through your head."
"I guess some was."
"Maybe I should have let you guys have some privacy."
"It was fine. I just... I worry about hurting you guys. Or scaring you."
"It takes a lot to rattle me, Allie," Matthew said, with the same confidence he had when he thought he aced his quiz.
"Really?"
"I don't appreciate your disbelieving tone. I'll have you know back home I am the all-time regional haunted house champ."
"There's competitions for that?"
"I mean, not like officially or anything. But I've been going to haunted houses and fright attractions since I was seven years old, and they have yet to illicit anything stronger than a mild exclamation from me."
"Hm. You also said you constantly won fights back home," Alex pointed out. "I'm starting to think you may be taking advantage of the fact that no one here can contradict you to exaggerate certain things."
"Interesting theory," Matthew said with a grin. "Good thing there's no one around here that can confirm it. Although I will one hundred percent prove myself on the haunted house front. There any good ones in town during Halloween?"
"I don't know. I've never been to any. I'm scared of many things."
"Really?"
"Your surprise is flattering, thank you. But yes. Bugs. Snakes. Rats. Heights. Drowning. Shots-"
"Wait, wait, wait," Matthew said quickly. "Did you just say heights?"
"...No."
"Alex."
"I didn't say heights," Alex said, trying to keep his body heat down.
"I think you did."
"No, I didn't. That would be ridiculous because I can fly. I'm a dragon. Being afraid of heights is not something I should admit out loud."
"Oh my god," Matthew said, stifling a giggle. "Dude."
Alex put his hands over his quickly heating face. Why did he say that? He had never told anyone that before. "Please don't tell anyone," he begged, putting all his focus into not combusting. Matthew ignored his uncomfortably high body temperature and put an arm around his shoulder.
"Your secret is safe with me, man," he insisted. "I mean, don't get me wrong I intend to absolutely roast you for it. But I will be the only one."
"Wow. How kind."
"I know. I'm the kindest."
Alex kept his hands over his face as they continued to walk towards the library. He had a feeling the second he tried to look Matthew in the eye he would go up like a bonfire. As they walked out the stairs of the English building Matthew tugged on his shirt sleeve to keep him from walking into a lamp post.
"Look I'll make you feel better," Matthew said, not letting go in case he needed to guide Alex again. "I'll tell you something embarrassing about myself."
Alex brought his hands down slightly and glanced down at him. "Like how you always carry a doll-"
"It's not a doll."
Alex chuckled and brought his hands away from his face. "I have a hard time believing you could be embarrassed by much else," he said as Matthew let go of his sleeve.
"First of all, I'm not embarrassed about the Kermit figure," Matthew said. Alex decided not to point out how his cheeks slightly flushed when he said that. "Second, I see why you might think that. One of my most charming qualities is my beaming confidence"
"Charming is an interesting adjective choice."
"However even one as impressive as me does make the occasional blunder he'd rather not want people to know about. One of those rare occasions transpired earlier this year, at a house party in my neighborhood. I was ever so slightly inebriated and needed to puke my guts up, so I ducked into a bathroom. The tub was closer than the toilet, so I threw back the curtain and let it go. Didn't realize until it was too late that someone was sleeping in there."
"Oh no."
"Yup. Covered him in my vomit."
"Ugh, gross."
"Luckily, he was one of my cousin's friends and recognized who I was. So he didn't get mad. In fact, he was pretty cool about it. He may have been a bit stoned himself. Still, not my proudest moment. I have since come to terms with the fact that I'm a lightweight. One beer is enough to get me comfortably past buzzed."
"I'm not surprised," Alex said. "You are very small."
Matthew narrowed his eyes and lightly shoved Alex. "Whatever. You're so stretched out it probably takes you, what? Like ten before it goes to your head?"
"I don't know. I've never had a drink before."
"Really? Is it religious or something? Or are you just a law-abiding Englishman?"
"No. I've just been on the receiving end of drunken vomit from my cousins and Jack to not find it very appealing."
"Ah. I see."
"Thank you for sharing your embarrassing story with me," Alex said as they walked into Alder Hall. "Though I do still feel like you're not actually that embarrassed by it."
"My threshold is high, yes," Matthew said as he held the door to the library open. Alex paused for a second when he saw Jack and Ellie sitting together at one of the tables.
"I guess you wouldn't mind then," he said, pointing to them, "if I told Ellie or Jack about your Kermit-"
"Don't you dare."