My laptop screen was about to turn black after thirty minutes of silent treatment from its owner. I had all intentions to open the mail, but I lacked courage. It's a 50:50, either I made it or didn't make it. I should open it, but still. It's not like I applied for it, which means I don't have any desire to go (ah, I can lie to myself all I want). The universe knows I would sell my soul to go to South Korea, study there, go to HAVEN's concert, explore their culture, meet new people, try totally different cuisine, and fall in love (not with a person, with Korea). I'll stop it here, so as you can see, I have so many plans, a big ass bucket list for Korea. Whatever that mail holds, let me face it. I told myself a millionth time and clicked it open.
My heart, wait, why are you not doing your job? Yes, the mail was worth that much. It read, 'Dear applicant, we selected your application for the internship program. I rechecked it. Maybe my mind is playing tricks.
HOLD ON!
WAIT A MINUTE!
WOAHHHH!
I got selected.
No suspense, no waiting list, and no show (for both me and everyone else). The first thing I did was forward the mail to my dear friends, after all, it was them who made this happen. I called them, they picked up in one ring as if they were waiting for my call.
"Congratulation, celebration!" Both of their voices blare through my phone. Of course, they have my mail ID logged into their phone, and I should report them for misusing my ID. "The pretty thing to do would be to act surprised, also letting me break the news", I facepalm even though they couldn't see me.
"Oh, our bad, c'mon we'll do this again, we'll act surprised. Promise", Ritu pleads. I roll my eyes and do it anyways, how can I stay mad at them for this?
"Girlssssssssss, guess what, I got into SNU for the summer internship", I wanted to add some fake cheerfulness but it came out honestly.
"My girl, I know you would", Shreya says proudly, "I'm crying, my baby got into SNU, I know I raised you well", Ritu overdoes it. We all laugh and get lost in the happy news momentarily forgetting the fact that I might not go.
When reality hits us, silence fills us.
"What are you going to do?", Shreya asks concerned.
"You witch, you say what should I do, because you idiots got me into this", I accuse them fondly.
"There must be a way. Will your mom let you go? Ask her to convince your dad", Ritu adds hopefully.
"It's not that easy, but I'll do it"
I hung up the call and slowly descend the stairs to tell my mom this news. I should be excited, but I feel like a teenager who was about to say that she did drugs at school and got caught, so the principal wants her parents to come to school for a meeting. It doesn't make sense but that's how wrong it feels to break the news of getting into a university abroad to your overprotective parents. Emphasize abroad, when they have never let you go alone to the next street.
"Hey mom, you want any help with the cooking?", I ask her with a big I'm-a-good-daughter smile.
She raises her eyebrows suspiciously, "What did you do? Got a boyfriend?"
"Eww, why would even ask that, you know how I feel about the guys around me. Just the sight of them makes me want to never leave my room"
"Then what is this about?"
"I got into SNU for a summer internship", I say before I lose all the courage.
"Congratulations, my baby, come here, come give me a hug", she pulls me into a hug and kisses my forehead. What? This is not the reaction I expected.
"Mom, it's Seoul National University, which is in South Korea", I say to her to make sure it's not a ten minutes walk from our home.
"Girl, I know, I'm not illiterate. That makes me even happier"
"So, you are not angry?", I ask again.
"Are you alright? Why would I be angry at you for getting into the best university for an internship? She looked at me as if I were on drugs and spewing nonsense, totally ignoring how they would never let me go anywhere alone.
"Will you let me go?"
"Of course, duh, really you are scaring me now"
I wanted to say, 'no, mom you are scaring me'. How come she is saying that she'll let me go? Is she, my mom? What if aliens kidnapped my mom and replaced one of them impersonating my mom? That must be the only answer.
"I get what you are thinking, 'how come my overprotective parents are agreeing to let me go to a university abroad?'. We protected you until today not because we didn't trust your ability to fight your way through in this cruel world, it is because we can protect you. That's it. No other reason. We wanted to make your life easier for you. I know we shouldn't do this, but that's how parents think. We don't want our child to suffer when we could do something to make the suffering doesn't get our kids. But in this parental instinct to always protect our babies, we often forget to face a brutal truth, the truth that we mostly ignore. Your life after us, without us. We know we can't be with you always. I'm sorry if we are the reason for you becoming a weak-hearted, sensitive kid, who has always been under our umbrella. Now, it's time to let you go, let you experience the beauty of this world alone. Just make sure you have the strength to get up if you fall. It will hurt like hell, but you'll be alright."
We both are crying. I know all this time how they felt, but hearing it from her was comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. Comforting because of the trust they have in me, but heartbreaking because of the fact that I'm growing up. I bury my face on the couch.
"Ahh, why are you being sentimental? It doesn't suit you mom"
"Sorry baby, sometimes I should also say things like this", she wipes my face and winks at me.
"But will dad be okay with this?", I ask doubtfully.
"When we spoke alone about you going abroad to study, he was not that happy. But he is well aware of your love for physics. I'm sure he has the same thoughts as me. Don't worry"
"I don't want to hurt him in any way, if he disagrees with this, then I'm not going", I say as I mean it.
"Then don't go", dad enters the room with a blank face.
It stings to hear those words but as I said I don't want him to be hurt. I gave him a thumbs up and a half smile, "I won't"
"Is this all you got? No shouting at me, no arguing? If you are this ready to give up, it makes me doubt if you really wanted to go at all," he says with a tiny hint of amusement in his voice.
"Dad", that's all I can manage to say. I'm crying harder now.
"Another important lesson, be ready to ask, if necessary, fight, for what you want", mom says and claps. Then I hear voices from our living room. We exit our parent's room and come to the living to find both Ritu and Shreya, waiting with a cake and a banner, which read, 'Go and bring our boyfriends from Korea, soon'. I laughed at them, still unable to process what was happening around me.
One thing is certain, I'm going to South Korea.