"BEEEEEEEP"
'of fucking course'
Without having time to even do a damage assessment the light flooding my field of vision for the third fucking time in a 3 minute period propelled me to my feet with a briskness only a middle schoolers playing a 3DS at 3 am on a school night as their parent walks in could understand.
I immediately began sprinting as if my life dep- actually nevermind it does, but when i tried to use my foot that just got hit however as i was about to put my full weight on it i realized I couldn't move it, but it was too late, an immense pain surged through my body almost making me crumble to the ground as I pathetically limped instead of run.
I quickly pivoted my strategy and shifted my full body weight on my healthy leg and started bunny hopping away, wasn't as smooth as the CS:GO pros but fortunately it was good enough as I managed to get into the dark damp alleyway just as another truck crashed its full weight into the surrounding buildings causing the ground to quiver just like the hundreads of mothers of all the children I've had internet arguments with.
With the deepest sigh my throat could produce i let my body fall limp as i sat with my back to the wall, i wanted to glance at all the damage my isekai invitation has caused but my field of view was blocked by the latest applicant of getting the free exposure generated from being the cause of death on my mortuary papers.
Now that i could finally catch my breath i quickly tried to asses the fucked upness of my body, my leg was unusable even trying to move it caused enough pain to almost make me pass out, not to mention I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to resemble a volatility graph... god I've been spending too much time doing my due diligence after i made the trade, lemme rephrase that, it was about as straight as that one homie who is grossed out by the homiesexual jokes regularly dished out in the friend group, it's ok Bartholomew we respect your decision to stay closeted.
As i wanted to do a fist pump pose from the sick burn i just dished out to a imaginary friend in my imaginary mind i realized my shoulder was dislocated, so i used my other one, but there was a trashcan in the way.
The trashcan shook and cause a bunch of boxes that were set on top to tremble and due to the low friction between cardboard and plastic they started sliding off, unfortunately it would seem that the local trash truck was too busy tryna find my ass because the residents piled a lot of garbage over those procariously positioned boxes, there were a bunch of trash bags, a couple more boxes and a... and .. and A HUGE WASHING MACHINE???
'WHO EVEN PUTS SOMETHING LIKE THAT ON TOP , IT WOULD'VE BEEN WAY EASIER TO BE NORMAL AND PUT IT DOWN NEXT TO THE GARBAGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!'
'IT PROBABLY TOOK WAY MORE EFFORT TO GET IT ALL THE WAY UP THERE'
I cursed the need of Californians to be unique and quirky and almost got up to move, the way the heavy aluminium electricity bill guzzler was positioned it was unclear which way it might decide to fall.
However i just sat back down with a smug look on my face, I'm ready to die here, at least it's not the good old generic truck-kun, my struggle was worth it, besides maybe the universe upholds it's founding principle and that washing machine doesn't actually crush me, my degenerate yolo brain decided that for some reason that was a risk worth taking.
'Wait .... MY CALCULATOR HISTORY!'
As i found a brand new reason to fight on i burst to my fee- foot once more ready to make whatever entity was doing this jog a little for it's meal, I realized that the washing machine was not falling towards me.
'Heh good, at least the universe respects it's principles'
I said smugly to myself as my eyes followed the path of the washing machine closely, it fell off like an instagram model not confforminf to beauty standards and hit a emergency exit stair which vibrated vigorously like that on-
"FUCK DOES THAT EVEN COUNT ???"
I exclaimed out loud due to the shock, cursing that i gave the universe verbal confirmation that it's attempts were bearing fruit, but how could i not, as i followed the quacking metal stairs my eyes landed upon a rather large toy model of ... a truck.
Not just some cheap toy this was some real enthusiast level shit it sounded like it was made out of metal from the way it tumbled off the emergency stair and towards me.
That thing must be one of those ultra realistic RC cars enthusiasts make, i grinned once more, the universe is struggling , all that fight was well worth it.
But the truck was now just 3 meters above me tumbling inside the stairwell it was impossible to tell which way it'll go thus doging would be troublesome and surely the universe would find a way to do some prediction god tier aiming like the Minecraft skeletons in hardcore.
Instead i quickly grabbed the aluminium lid off of a stereotypical trash container from movies that i actually almost never saw in real life, whatever godly entity is responsabile for luck must have some workplace beef with the {-Truck God ~ Fourth bringer of generic isekai protagonists-} and i was all here for it, keep spilling the tea between each other sisters.
With that bizarre thought thread done and over with i was ready to defend with the lid and a trash bag i grabbed for cushioning the impact.
Sure enough the toy truck which one unfortunately passionate geek poured dozens of hours into making from scratch was flying full gravitational throttle towards me.
'Why couldn't that geek let the paint dry somewhere else.'
"Sigh"
The truck hit the bag then the lid causing a sting to flow through my forearm, but at least i managed to push the toy tuck off of it's destructive path and onto the pavement.
It seems breathing room wasn't gonna be awarded too often in this battle against god so i quickly whipped out my phone prepared to delete my calculator and also Club Penguin account, those chat logs are something else.
I managed to open my phone after crouching down and using my one usable hand to push into my pocket and wrap my agonizingly pain filled fingers around the phone which i then dropped screen up on the cold hard pavement.
There was no way I'd be able to click the power up button so instead i wiped all the blood from my hand on my cheap Walmart hoodie in order to interact with my screen, this cheap trooper may have somehow survived the onslaught of the truckening but it still couldn't handle even an ounce of fluid on it's screen without sending the femboy pics from the gallery to every single family Whatsapp group with the love eyes emoji as caption, true story, why do you think my parents were absent from the story so far ... "milk" ran out.
I was now on a strict timer before my still bleeding fingers would stop me from my must have goals, besides the truckenings refreshment & Advertisement break could stop at any second.
I used my limp fingers to tap the screen twice, managed to input the PIN, opened the calculator app.
7 seconds passed since the geek future heart break incident.
Got into the history, deleted it, score! goal one complete, went into my remote desktop control mobile app to boot up my bootleg home computer so i can delete the Club Penguin account.
10 seconds after the geek tear tissue consumption incident that will probably leave half the amazon dead (Let's go team global warming).
The elimination of the club penguin account was halted by the sound of screeching tires, it commences.
At the end of the alleyway a small truck broke down with it's engine spouting thick smoke.
"Wait , are they coordo-"
"Boom"
The wreck of the truck that funneled me into the alleyway was yanked away as it got rammed from the back by another smal truck, my surprise was so intense i couldn't even capitalize on that "rammed from the back" line which was a perfect set up, god damm you universe.
"No fucking way"
I unwillingly exclaimed as i stared wide eyed at the situation unraveling in front of me, a comically small truck that resembled those stereotypical east asian smal farmer ones stopped before the wreckage the previous trucks caused, i could see that because the back rammer truck which was coincidentally black managed to push away the wreck of the truck blocking the alleyway.
Why was i so surprised you may ask? First of all, hehe comically smal truck, so cute, second of all.
'IT FITS IN THE ALLEYWAY!!!"
As i was turning in a desperate attempt to find a way to get out of this perfectly coordinated truck military assault i watched as a flower pot fell due to the vibrations caused by two whole truck wrecks hitting it's building.
That flower pot fell with the grace of a trained olympian acrobat making it's way through the glass of the comically small truck, hit the drivers arms in such a way that it steered dirrectly towards the alleyway, fell on his crotch, causing his face to scrunch up in pain then, probably hit his leg pushing the gas pedal... towards the alleyway... and me.
'Oof, felt that'
I could relate to the drivers agony of getting his future children squanched, of course I could not relate to the future children part but it still counts, anyway the comically small truck also had a disabled sticker on it.
Why is that a relevant detail? well my own brain, it's relevant because by now i was hopping through the alley frantically as the desperate yells of the man reached ever closer accompanied by the sound of smashed trashcans and truck periodically scraping the walls, in retrospect i can guess that those periodic wall scraping sounds were caused by the driver desperately trying to steer the truck in a way it would stop but the dark damp alleyway perfect for chasing pepper sprayless women at night was too tight heh just li-
"Bang"
You know that metal trashcan that saved my life exactly 17 seconds ago ?(i have a fit bit so i can count time, not mine of course, found it on a coworkers desk, finders keepers Greg) Well that exact trash can just gave me a good old whack to the back of the head dazing me as hard as the highest quality zaza.
That daze was akin to getting up from your bed too quickly when you're iron defficient, anyway due to my daze i did not understand the mans shrill cries even tho they were now close enough to be comprehensible, by now he should've easily repositioned his foot even if he was in shock ... why isn't he breaking?
My stun lock faded slightly allowing me to recover from my tumble and somehow save my momentum but now i heard the man's voice.
"LEFT LEG! DISABLED MOVE NOT!!!"
Heh, he had a funny japanese accent, Let's go my east asian prediction was spot on, oh yea in slightly less important news i graped the trash can tumbling just behind me, no clue how i didn't miss the handle with my broken fingers dazed state and rapid motion but somehow i just didn't.
The trashcan was empty, it's contents were now rapidly approaching my one usable foot, i didn't have time to properly think through the maneuver i wanted to execute and had to rush the rough sketch of my plan with my non existent athletic reflexes, hopefully my gamer god skills will prevail (my computer was too bad to play anything other than minecraft i am full of shit)
'....Too slow.'
That was the only thought in my brain as my toes got stuck in the trash bag destabilizing my jump and sending me face forward toward the truck which was now right in front of me.
I swing the trash can towards the trucks cabin roof, i had to void the initial plan of jumping up and using the trashcan as cushion and momentum to get over the truck.
Instead i hit the truck with the full force my body could muster, did it push me over the truck as i hoped? no, instead all the up force the attack generated only served to keep me in the air for slightly longer.
It was just enough time that the truck instead of hitting me in the chest sending me forward where i would've been flattened shortly it managed to hit slightly lower, wait, arent those my-
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH"
****
As dom left out an incredibly cartoonish yelp he was lucky the pain sent him into shock, what a fortunate fellow, what was slightly less fortunate was the way his destabilized center of mass made him tumble over the truck at just the right angle to smash his forehead against the back of the cabins roof.
His now limp and unconscious body which unbeknownst to him also had a severe concussion and cranial fracture made his life span finite, it was only a matter of time until the broken shards of bone now firmly embedded in his frontal cortex would cause him to bleed out.
That didn't seem to deter his fruitless struggle however as his body which was now limply lying on the alleyway pavement ever so slightly opened his eyelids, he was concious again, the immense pain from the countless bruises all over his body, his fractured ribs one of which was embedded in his vital organs causing internal bleeding his fractured skull, his broken femur his dislocated shoulder it was all too much for his meek un-trained body to handle.
He was only concious for half a second but in that time he somehow fumbled his way into pulling out his pocket knife with his two intact right fingers from the non dislocated arm, tho he did not know they were intact he was mearly trying whatever he still could.
He grabbed the knife tightly, shifted to his side and without hesitation stabbed the knife in the thigh of his non working leg, despite the broken femur he could still very much feel what was going on.
"ARGHHH"
This scientifically speaking shouldn't have worked in any way whatsoever, it would've mearly sent him deeper into shock and caused him to enter a medical comma however this was a pshychological response, a last ditch desperate effort that came from the brain which scientists still have yet to fully grasp not because it's some unsolvable mistery, it's just that humans work in baffling illogical eradic ways.
With a somewhat manly roar Doms eyelids flung open as he slowly struggled to stand upright, he opened his eyes just in time to see the comically small truck and the small truck that broke down at the opposite end of the valley collide.
****
"oopsie doopsie, COUGH, Did, Cough Cough did trucky wucky have a lil accident?"
I spoke muffled words interrupted by periodic coughs of blood to myself, after all the truck which broke down had leaked fuel all over the pavement, i could tell by the reflection of the night sky on the pavement, of course it had long since exploded in a show i could omly describe as a paromaniacs dream, it was probably carrying some chemicals no normal truck can produce such an explosion by itself.
Tho the explosion was unfolding in front of my eyes i was limping towards it supporting myself with my hand against the wall leaving bloodied hand prints all over, as i walked i kept repeating the joke, it was comedy gold after all, comedy go... wait.
'Oh no, my mind is loosing cognitive function and it's losing it fast'
It probably had something to do with the cold sensation i felt flowing down my forehead in concerning amounts, it was now on my eyebrows and now it's in my eyes, blood, not even repeated blinks could clear it fast enough to make up for the constantly refilling vision obstruction, my cognitive time was limited.
I quickly recounted the steps of the plan while i still could muster the details in case my thoughts get too muddy to execute it properly, i kept repeating it in my mind as i staggered forward, i was now in front of the wreck which was burning healthily with cracks and pops throughout, the heat at even this distance was making my sweaty and bloodied skin sting.
My thoughts were now even muddier than before, wait are they? I don't- fuck the plan. I bit my lip and forced my eyes wide open, not confortable, too heat... must wake.
"AAAAAH"
RUSH RUSH RUSH i just barely woke myself up with every ounce of self control i had left and ran as fast as my leg would allow me to through the fire.
"AAAGHAGHAHAHHAHAHA"
Every inch of my skin felt like it was ripped off, thoroughly used in one of satans flesh lights before being forcibly dipped in acid and stuck back in, but mentally i was back.
"NO AMOUNT OF GOD PLOT BULLSHIT IS STOPPING ME."