I remember writing these lyrics on Suno: 'I don't know where to begin, but I know how it ends. I don't want to fight it, only hate that I like it. Oh, what can I do? I'm here screaming for you.' That's pretty much how I'm feeling again. I'm just here, always screaming for you in my head. And some days, I feel like my head could explode.
Ultimately, I had to delete every 'song' I wrote about you. It all seemed pitiful. They were all focused on the sad part—the part where I continued to long for you from a distance. It was so much about internal turmoil and less about the blessings and lessons it brought me.
Come to think of it, I've written many things about you—the memoir, the song lyrics, the short novel. Yep, a novel. It's true. I just read it again, and I had to delete it too. Our characters were named Sky and Sunshine. I chose those names because it seemed fitting: Sky, because you're so high up and so far away that I can't quite reach you; and Sunshine, because although I'm far from you, my light shines all the way through you. In some way, it gives me this blissful idea that we're somehow connected.
The date is December 27, 2024. This is perhaps a year-end resolution for me. Maybe this is closure from me to me, I guess. I wanted to hear it from you, but maybe you didn't want to have to tell me. So, I may have deleted the short novel, but I kept the title. The novel was like a dreamscape. It was serene, and we were on a beach. I won't bore you with the details because they were all made up anyway, though it was inspired by our real experience during the mission trip. It was playful and romantic, unlike the actual trip. What can I say? I'm hopelessly romantic and have the wildest imagination. I am very sorry though; this is all inappropriate. The reason I'm writing this here is so I don't bombard you on WhatsApp every time I'm having one of these introspections.