Numb is the only thing I can use to describe what I feel at the moment, as I stared at my parents or should I call them my adopted parents now, all what was in my head was 'how'. How could I have missed the sighs.
When I was coming home to confront them, at worst I was thinking it was just my father, I didn't even know I wasn't related to anyone of them in anyway, that I was just a baby they adopted when they were in need of a child. So that explains why they were always so cold to me, why they never cared.
"Do you know who my real parents are?" I asked with a shaky voice as tears run freely down my face, they might have not been good parents from the beginning but these few months that we've bonded, it painful to find out that it was all a lie.
"Erm no, we adopted you from an orphanage, apparently you were dropped off because your parents didn't want you" mum said and it seems to me that I don't seem to be loved much by anybody, both my parents and my adopted ones, my parents left me to the world at birth and my adopted parents treated me like trash until they didn't have a choice again.
It was getting so hard to contain my tears as I looked at their blurry figures solemnly sitting waiting for me to say something.
"We're sorry we didn't tell you before, we just didn't want to hurt you" dad said making me raise an eyebrow and I couldn't help but just laugh.
Of course!
I stood up and left them, going up to my room to burry my tears in my pillow, to bury the words I wish to say to them deep in my heart.
I checked the time on my phone, and I saw it was actually very late, it was 2:17am, I didn't realize we spoke for that period, well I spent most of it in tears.
I've missed a lot of calls and messages from Leo, that's true, he's obviously very worried, I canceled on him, and I didn't pick his calls.
Calling him back, the phone didn't even ring twice before he picked, almost like he has been waiting for my call.
"Roselle" he called, and I smiled tearily, his worried voice warmed my heart.
"Hey" I called quietly with a throaty voice and the phone was silent for a while before he spoke up again.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"No" I stated the obvious.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked again worried, and I shook my head before remembering he couldn't see me.
"Not now"
"Okay, do you need me to come see you."
"No, you do realize it's late" I said laughing while still sniffing back the tears that seems to not want to stop anytime soon.
"I love hearing you laugh but this one in particular is breaking my heart."
"Stop being so cheesy, were is my big bad boss" I joked trying to take his mind off my miserable state.
"He is nowhere to be found; I was going to nag you about you canceling on me but now I don't know if I can." he said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stand you up, something came up" I said in a calm voice, my sniffing reducing.
"I'm sorry but I won't be able to come to work tomorrow" I said.
"Does it have something to do with why you are crying? And I already told you to take the week off already" he asked.
"No my diner, I have to go help out there, I didn't know it has been getting that busy" I replied.
"I'm so proud of you baby girl" he said making me smile.
"Thank you, I will talk to you tomorrow" I said.
"Goodnight"
"Goodnight"
I find myself alone in my room once again, lost in a whirlwind of emotions.
As I sat on my bed, thoughts raced through my mind, questions about my biological parents, my roots, my identity and why they left me flooded my thoughts.
In the mindset of my confusion, my heart raced for answers as I stared into space, I long to understand what happened, my mother said I was left at the orphanage, I want to know if they really did not want me, but I'm also scared of the outcome.
As the hours passed, I realized that being adopted didn't define who I am, it is just one part of my story.
In this moment, I decided to embrace my journey, my adoptive parents might have been cold to me before, but they still took care of me, they didn't send me out to the street, they didn't return me back to the orphanage, the only thing they did wrong was not telling me about it. Family isn't solely determined by blood but by love, care and connections we build with others, and these past few months that is everything they have been showing me, they were better off than parents who left me to the world at birth, and so, with a newfound strength and a renewed sense of self, I stepped out ready to embrace my identity and made way to my parents' room.
I knocked on their door and I heard a silent come in.
I entered the room quietly and what I saw broke my heart, my mum was crying so much she was heaving, while my dad just had to keep petting and calming her.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked and my dad nodded tapping the bed for me to sit.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.
"Sweetheart, we've been meaning to have this conversation with you, we were just scared of your reaction, we love you just as much as if you were our biological daughter, I know we missed our ways all this while, but we will forever regret it" my dad said tears welling up in his eyes as his voice got thick with emotions.
"Your father has always wanted to be honest with you, but I was just too scared and selfish to take it, your adoption doesn't change anything, you are my daughter, and we are your parents, we chose you that day because we knew you were meant to be part of our family, but I don't know what came over me after I gave birth to your sister, you were so perfect I wanted her to be just like you, and with time I forgot what was most important and just always ignored you, I'm the cause of everything, I was hurting my family so much, I knew your father was not in support of what I was doing but he just kept quiet because of the love he has for me, I'm so sorry" my mum said as she kept crying, unable to control her tears while talking and I couldn't even stop my tears too.
"I forgive you, and I want you guys to know you will always be my family" I said crying, and my mother came and pulled me into a hug apologizing over and over again. I waved to my dad to come over and he came joining the hug, it was a mess.
"We are here for you, no matter what" my dad whispered.
I know, yes, I know.