° Julia °
____________________
I don't know how long I had been standing on my balcony. Because when I enter back into the bedroom, it's almost 10. I usually go to bed at 11. Sleep eludes me almost until I have no more energy to keep my eyes open, and it's usually between 2-3 a.m. That has been my nightly routine for, I don't know... pretty much my whole life?
I can't seem to keep these thoughts away. Changing the location from the balcony into my bedroom is not helping. And I can actually feel the anxiety kicking in. Not because of the thoughts, but because of me constantly thinking, "why am I not able to keep these thoughts off!?" Sounds pretty messed up, but that's who I have become.
My mind plays tricks on me. Every damn time. And I find myself caught in that loop.
Every damn time!
I know what's coming next, when I start panicking and my hand starts trembling as I struggle to keep my grip strong on that broken watch. This is it. Here's another panic attack, after almost a week or two of not having them.
To my relief, I remember that I had bought those candies the other morning. I quickly get myself to the drawer and force my brain to think where I had kept them.
It's not here in the drawer. Where else would I have kept it?
It's hard to think when you're in the middle of an attack, which you know can get worse at any moment. You just try to hang on, to whatever you find at that moment. And to me, these candies were that. They've always helped me calm down. Whenever I start to feel like I'm close to a breakdown or that my anxiety is kicking in, I gobble up some of these candies.
The peppermint candies.
I move to my nightstand. They're here. I tear the packet up, not caring if it gets all torn. I put 3-4 candies in my mouth at once. The tingling cool minty sensation of mint fills my mouth and it's like getting a grip on reality.
I fall down on my bed. Letting the taste and smell of mint fill me up completely.
And it takes me back.
It takes me back, 20 years ago. When I was 8. Just a scared little girl trapped in a situation she wanted to run away from. She just wanted to run away and hide somewhere. She had always helplessly watched. Her parents hurting each other.
It was too much that one time.
I had woken up from my afternoon nap to some loud voices and other noises. The sound of a vase falling down.
Crack.. smash...and silent.
I could hear my own heartbeat. It was too loud. I came out to see my mom and dad fighting. They were fighting again. It was a common incidence in my life.
They say that when something keeps happening in your life you get habituated.
It wasn't the case with me. Every time I felt terrified.
...
The memories are a quick blur of what happened after I came out of my bedroom. I remember coming out of my bedroom and then cries and sounds.
So angry....
And then something snapped and I fell down.
The edge of the table and the metallic taste in my mouth.
That's all I remember of what happened at home.
I ran away. And the next thing I know I was in the attic.
The attic was above the garage and no one usually came there. It was a shared garage with the neighbor's house. No one lived there. I don't know how long I sat there crying and praying for help. I don't know for whom I was praying. And I don't know what I was praying for.
The door opened and someone entered. It wasn't my parents that I knew for sure.
I panicked and looked up to see a boy. He was slightly older than me.
Maybe a few years older? I wasn't sure. He was dressed like an adult. He was wearing a full shirt, long pants or maybe trousers and a beige sweater vest over his shirt. He had ruffled hair and dark eyes which I couldn't makeout the color of, and he had an expression on his face that said that he wasn't expecting me there.
He walked to me and I looked up at him.
Dark brown.
That was the color of his eyes.
And then I realised that I was sitting in the corner, crouched on the floor. Crying like a baby. I was, but then I didn't like to admit I was one.
He had given me those candies that day, for the first time. I have no idea why he had those in his pockets. I was embarassed, but I had scooted over to make some space beside me, where he sat.
The candies....Peppermint candies.
That's what he had given me. And that's what I have been using everytime I had a panic attack.
...
I was feeling very calm now. I look around to see my room and to take in the present. I see the binoculars lying there on the bed. Just as it was laying there when I first found it. He left it for me. It was his. That boy's binoculars.
That and the scrap of note.
I let the feelings of the past wash over me as I have no energy to fight anything back. Before I knew it, I could feel my eyes struggling to stay open and sleep held me in it's peaceful embrace.