The Monro-Aswad war was called by some world news commentators "Monswad" and became the world's largest media event. Each time they announced a news flash, Barney and the government members got up from their comfortable couches and ran around, swearing at the big TV screen near them, in order to catch the best place to watch the world's TV broadcast. During the news, they threw themselves upon the refreshment tables like animals, collecting everything possible and eating uncontrollably: buns, sandwiches, salads, vegetable fritters, pretzels, hamburgers, steaks along with all types of drinks-alcoholic beverages, beers, and cakes. Afterwards, they ran back and stood hypnotized in front of the screen to watch WWW (worldwide war) accompanied by unforgettable voices and enormous dust clouds raised in the desert by the two armies, by the thundering sounds of fighter jets flickering like sparkles in the sky. The jets attacked like thunderbolts, immediately disappearing. They often compared it to a war in a Hollywood movie that won many Oscars. In the meantime, Barney hastily loaded his plate with handfuls of nuts, toasted almonds, pistachios, cashews, and all other kinds of delicacies along with two cold bottles of beer and munched on the nuts and drank the beer like a condemned man enjoying his last meal. Every time they showed the Democratic Forces, Monro and the government members jumped, clapped excitedly, cheered the democratic forces as if the war were a football game. It was as if their team was outscoring its opponent in the Superbowl.
On the opposite side, the Islamic Forces appeared on the news screen. Once again, Monro and his government members jumped and screamed with disgust and hatred. They spat, threw objects at the screen, and swore slanderously, too. Monro and the government members were unaware that President Aswad, his government members, his Chief of Staff, his senior military officers were also engaged, like the democratic side, in shameful and disgusting eating, cheering the Islamic army, and swearing at the Democratic army with rage. There were times in which the visions and the voices got mixed up; the different became similar, wisdom became dumbness, incomprehensible became obvious, and the unbelievable became clear. During the news broadcasting recess, Barney stared with disgust towards the wasted Monro who was partying while Prof. Cheers, Yeats and the other government members, the democratic ass kissers, were patting his back and shoulders and exclaiming their appreciation and adoration. Suddenly Barney's mobile phone rang and interrupted him; he recognized Elena's number and smiled to the sound of her soft and seductive voice that again reminded him of her opera singing.
"How are you, dear? I miss you, I missed you when I was sleeping alone in our bed, I miss your touch, your you-know-what," Barney laughed.
"I also miss you, Elena. How are the kids? I promise to make it up to you for leaving you alone. Know that I…" The sounds of joy that Elena heard from Monro and his supporters surprised her.
"The kids are fine; they just miss their father." With apprehension she said, "tell me Barney, what are the voices of laughter that I hear beside you? I don't get it. Are you at war or having a party?"
Barney was ashamed and embarrassed by the painful truth in her words. He understood that Elena was the one and only and special, hers was the weak and lost voice of conscience and truth. Unfortunately, Monro noticed him, frowned, and screamed.
"What happened to you, man? Why does your face remind me of a funeral?" "Laugh, sing, dance because you are in the hands of the democracy of Monro, the hero. Monro, the general, will win."
Barney felt shame and disgust but smiled like an idiot for Monro and even started dancing and singing like an ape and continued talking to Elena in a broken and depressed voice.
"What can I do, my dear? The hypocrites are howling, and the truth is whimpering. Everyone thinks that the war is a party but we both know that in war there are no winners, only losers."
"That's right Barney. You are so right, my love" she giggled. "Barney I can see that the war has turned you into a philosopher, a spiritual person." He chuckled.
"Elena, wait, wait. Barney is dying to make a philosophical war with you in bed. Barney will show you what your philosopher is capable of doing to your spirit. Barney is certain that this moment will arrive soon," he laughed, "but maybe later."
"Okay, my Barney," with a warning, "but be careful, because it seems to me that sometimes your position is more important to you than I am."
Barney was relieved and happy about his conversation with Elena, but Monro waved at him again and reminded him of his duty as a government representative, elected and selected, to continue dancing and singing until his last breath, until the end of the war and the return of the Messiah. He knew he needed to stop acting like all the elected idiots but was afraid that this President would find him attractive no longer and he would be thrown into the street with nothing at all, no job, no status, no prestige, and no future. Barney continued singing, dancing, and showing his admiration for his dear leader with great vigor. Monro drank too much beer and wine and bounced his way to Barney, grabbed his hand, shook it, and screamed:
"Come on joker, tell me a joke. Tell your leader Monro, the general, the prophet, a good joke. Actually, not just one but many."
Barney looked for a way to ignore him or to avoid this idiotic mission, but he really had no choice in the matter.
"A righteous man, who devoted his life to charity work, dies and by mistake goes to hell. In hell he sees people dancing, great music, sex, beers, a great party. When he realizes that he is in hell, he cries to God claiming that he deserves to be in Heaven. God agrees and transfers him to Heaven. He passes through two beautiful gates, and everything is white and good. He sees another two righteous people like him sitting down, bored, so he sits beside them. After two days like this he screams to God, how come Heaven is so boring and in Hell everyone dances and has a good time? God tells him, "What do you think, that for three people I'll get a DJ?"
To Barney's great luck, the CNN team appeared in the entrance of the command pit and prepared the cameras for an exclusive interview with Monro who got closer to the Chief of Staff and the special staff which just then received some sad reports from the front.
The Commander of the Air Force reported: "Honorable President and Chief of Staff, everything is okay, but the planes are armed with submarine missiles and with tank shells. They were not appropriately prepared for war, unfortunately we have casualties." With a sneer he added, "but the Free Islamic Forces have more casualties, two times, three times, four times, five, six, seven times as many."
The Commander of the Armored Corps said:
"Mr. President, the tanks continue to move forward but they have a lot of problems with the tread and motors, the tanks barely move. The Islamists tried to outflank us, and we suffered injuries." He added arrogantly: "But we hit more of their tanks. More than three times, four times, six times, ten times."
The Infantry commander said:
"Mr. President and the Chief of Staff, the soldiers are marching forward bravely and proudly even though they are short on ammunition, parts of their weapons are rusty and broken, they lack personal bandages, the radios malfunction and most importantly, there is a great shortage of food and drink. As expected, we have casualties." He smiled with satisfaction and continued cheerfully. "But the Islamic Forces have more casualties, ten times, thirty times, fifty times as many," while trying to remember something important, "and we lack...lack...we" and almost gave up when suddenly he remembered "we lack soap." He guffawed "Soap for raising the morale and also condoms for the guys, to relief their tension."
Barney tried his best to control himself from laughing while the TV crews looked at everyone as if they were aliens. Barney smiled at the sight of a sexy woman reporter, being scrutinized by Monro, unable to stop looking at her breasts.
"Mr. President, the Aswadic-Monroic war is a reality. The reality war produced by Aswad and Monro is at its peak. When can you inform us about the situation of the forces at the front?"
Monro hardly managed to take his eyes off her, smiled a winner's smile and explained with an anguished face:
"Don't forget that this war was forced on us by the despicable cruelty of the oppressor Aswad. He is trying to attack the Democratic Organization and will face a terrible defeat. The armies of the Islamic Forces are captured and begging to surrender. This reminds me of the Six Day War that took place between Israel and the Arabs. Only this time, it will take fewer than six days, it might take six hours."
The reporter stared at him incredulously and continued:
"But Mr. Monro, you were just given some reports about the difficult situation of the Democratic Forces, so why do you..." Monro stared at her with a menacing look and anger.
"Who? What? Excuse me? Why? Why does the CNN distort things in a live broadcast? Are you working for Aswad?" "The situation of our army has never been better; we are the strongest army in the world, and we don't lack anything. We will defeat all of them. Monro will defeat Aswad by a knockout."
Again, bad news about the war was shown on TV. Monro turned to the government members and continued joyfully:
"We will show them who Monro is and who the Selected Democratic Organization is."
The moment the reporters discussed the Democratic Organization, Monro clapped his hands, sang, danced, and invited them to join him. Indeed, those who joined him were more fervent than he was. The CNN reporter and crew were certain that Monro and the government members had escaped from a mental hospital, so they retreated. As soon as the TV reports about the Islamic army began, everyone spat and swore at Aswad, at the Islamic Forces and at the Islamic army, calling them drunks in a whorehouse bar and uninhibited prostitutes who were not paid their fee. The CNN crew was unable to digest or understand the situation and escaped from the place as if haunted by demons while Aswad's Islamic Forces, his government members, and his army generals who watched the news broadcast, behaved just like the Democrats. For brief moments, the vision and the voices were mixed with one another, and it was impossible to tell who was, what was what, how and why. Barney became silent and sank into meditation.
Monro noticed Barney and screamed:
"Hey, Barney, my joker friend, tell us a new joke," he laughed "in honor of the great Monro, in honor of the new war. Let's go, Joker."
Barney whispered to himself.
"As if I'm really in the mood for stupid jokes."
His mind leaped furiously and irritably and moved incomprehensibly along the space highway from the Democratic Organization to the Islamic Forces and back, trying to retrieve from his mind some fucking joke for Monro regarding this fucking war. Suddenly he remembered one.
"Listen, one day President Aswad went to a fortuneteller. He wanted to know his fate. The fortuneteller gave him a cup of coffee to drink and after he was done, she studied the coffee grounds and explained to him that he would die on a Democratic holiday. Aswad got scared and asked with fear, on what holiday? She answered, it doesn't matter. The day you die, the democrats will declare a holiday."
Everyone burst out laughing, clapped, danced happily. Once again, Monro jumped up.
"Another one, Joker, you get me in a good mood"
"So, in the middle of war the Islamic soldiers found themselves face to face with our Democratic soldiers. They hide in opposite trenches, waiting for one of the enemies to expose himself to the snipers but nobody stood up. Suddenly the Democratic squadron commander calls out– Muhammad.... Muhammad stands up and asks who it is? The Democratic sniper shoots and kills him. The Islamic commander gets pissed and screams in English: John. The Democratic commander, still hiding, answers, who is looking for John? The Islamic commander stands up and screams: It is me - Ahmad. The Democratic sniper shoots and kills him."
Barney sighed with relief and was certain that he finished his stupid war jokes, but Monro and the rest immediately asked
"And what happened afterwards?" Barney mumbled to himself with despair "What jerks."
He continued to improvise and whispered to Monro "The remaining Islamic soldiers saw what happened and decided to surrender without a fight." They all smiled happily and clapped their hands while Monro guffawed and added "Such imbeciles!"
They all returned to their urgent business, investing most of their efforts in drinking followed by belches, overeating followed by smelly farts. Yeats, Prof. Cheers and Monro sat together, drinking vodka and swallowing Monro's expensive caviar. Barney sat behind them and could not avoid listening to their talk.
Yeats flattered Monro:
"Good for you, Mr. President, I'm glad you are the President in this war. Thanks to you, we will win."
Prof. Cheers continued:
"I can inform you, Monro, that you will impact our history. You will obtain a place of honor just as Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin did who saved the world during the Second World War," Monro answered with false modesty.
"Don't exaggerate. I'm just fulfilling my duty to save the world from a Third World War."
Barney mumbled: "It's a pity that people don't realize that politicians and diapers should be replaced frequently for the same reason."
The TV channels from all over the world again broadcasts a flash. The screen shows Baghdad, Iraq that since the end of the war in 2014 the city served as the number one tourist destination in the region and at that moment looked like a nightmare. A ghost town, with no human movement, no driving cars, the hotels empty, their swimming pools unused. The Fox broadcaster reported with a terrified voice:
"What happened to Baghdad? Where are all the residents? Where are the cars? The tourists? It looks odd, threatening, and scary."
Monro laughed, "Maybe they are all asleep? Isn't it their siesta time?" He laughed, "Maybe a small atom bomb fell there."
The camera immediately moved to shoot the edge of town focusing on the paved road into the city. The sight revealed was amazing, breathtaking, and incomprehensible. The road was packed with people riding bicycles, scooters, motorcycles, cars, and trucks - all leaving the city. The cars occupied all roads available and even took over the incoming lanes. The few cars coming to the city could see what was going on and hurriedly turn around.
The TV crew asked one of the last drivers in the convoy:
"Hello sir, what happened to the city of Baghdad? Why is everyone leaving? Was there an outbreak of some sort of plague that we are unaware of? Do you know what the real reason is?"
"What's the reason? In the past we have seen outbreaks of avian flu, camel disease, dinosaur plague and now it is an epidemic that is called Aswad - Monro. All of the tourists in the city and Baghdad residents are leaving because a war started between the Islamic Forces and the Democratic Organization. We prefer to stay outside the area and not to remain here close to the "Fata Morgana" desert; this is the city of storm."
The driver's wife added:
"We are sorry we elected Monro who promised peace, prosperity, and work and as soon as he was elected, he brought war."
Monro was outraged.
"The war has not yet started and all these weaklings, the shit of this country flee like rabid dogs. It's a pity I cannot recruit these parasites into my army, all these traitors."
Another driver asked "Has Monro gone mad? What does he think? That we will all fight because of his whims and those of the other madman Aswad?"
Another woman said:
"Great, if this is the private war of Monro and Aswad, let them fight a duel. What does it have to do with us? How come the people chose a fucked up, corrupt government, they should all be committed."
Barney smiled to himself with satisfaction. Finally, there were some citizens with balls. He noticed that everyone looked down.
Prof. Cheers burst out:
"Don't pay attention to them Mr. Monro, they are like stray weeds. This is the price of democracy. Always remember that I and the entire government, parliament and army will follow you with eyes closed, cheers to Monro!"
The village idiots clapped excitedly, and the domestic baboons screamed hoarsely.
"Long live Monro, long live Monro."
Monro burst out:
"You knew that the conflict with Aswad has gone on until today. I did not want the war that was forced upon us, but the military solution will definitely bring a political solution. Aswad understands only power. You remember Bigler who wanted to create a master race but failed. I am the admired ruler, the great general, who will succeed where Bigler failed. The Democrats are the supreme beings. I continue what our God told our ancestors: you are the chosen people. You and your descendants will inherit this land, this entire world, the universe, and all that's in it."
Everyone felt the importance of that sublime moment. They all shared his wonderful ideology of a new world. Barney was the only one who felt sick and felt like eliminating Monro in cold blood before he eliminated everyone else. Suddenly Yeats, Prof. Cheers and Monro smiled towards Barney and raised their thumbs as an agreed-upon positive sign while Barney smiled back like an idiot with lack of interest and make a V sign with his two fingers as a symbol of victory.
"What victory? Whose? At what price?" Barney thought and asked Monro:
"Mr. President, I need a little peace and quiet. Can I go home for a while?" Barney saw Monro's angry face and lied to him. "My son is not feeling well, and I want to visit him" Monro answered him carelessly.
"Okay, go home and be back here tomorrow at 10 AM." Monro laughed, and everyone joined him like sheep while Monro continued.
"I need your jokes, don't forget. You are the national comedian of the Democratic Organization. You are my national comedian and the war comedian."
Barney smiled with appreciation and then rushed to the limousine that would take him home. The limousine traveled quickly towards his house while Barney stared and smiled at the city lights and the people who went about as if nothing was happening. This gave him the sense of calm and peace that he so badly needed. He started humming Bob Dylan's Blowin' in the Wind while his fingers pressed on one of the new TV channels in the limousine. He flinched when the station he selected started analyzing Aswad and Monro. He quickly changed to another channel and frowned when the other news channel reported about the war. He screamed "damn" and again selected another channel that to his surprise also reported on the combat and analyzed war. Again, he pressed another channel that reported and analyzed the war in all languages. It suddenly turned into a horrible and tremendous screeching cacophony. He felt lost in the depth of the space, desperate in the depth of the galaxies. He reached the end of his patience, turned off the TV violently and screamed:
"Everyone loses in war. Only the media wins."
He continued singing with vigor on his way home, Bob Dylan's songs and other and did not believe his eyes at the sight of the oncoming cars, near him or the ones that next to him at the red lights. People sat there holding the flag of the Democratic Organization and Monro's picture while they screamed and sang continuously.
"Monro's a jolly good fellow, Monro's a jolly good fellow, because Monro's a jolly good fellow, that's what everyone says."
Suddenly people stared at Barney since he was not participating. To get home safely, he forced himself to join their song and in a moment of elation and exhilaration, he convinced himself to tell a joke.
A citizen passes a policeman and tells him: what a shitty country. The police officer asks him: What did you say? So, the citizen screams at him: What a shitty country. The police officer grabs the man, cuffs him, and takes him to the police station. The following day they enter the court, and the man admits he said what a shitty country but meant the Islamic Forces. The judge gets angry at the policeman who wasted his time, detaining an innocent citizen and fined the policeman a large amount. They exit the court, and the police officer tells this man: what a situation, you swear, and I am the one to receive the fine, so the man tells him: didn't I tell you? This is a shitty country."
After a nerve-wracking trip, Barney sighed when he arrived home. He got out of the limousine smiling and glowing while Elena who was in her nightgown and his children in pajamas ran toward him and hugged and kissed him as if he'd been gone for a month. After his children got themselves together, Barney continued hugging and kissing his wife. They froze before her well-known French kiss.
He said to Elena with warmth:
"What a welcome, one would think I returned from captivity. On the other hand, maybe I died and have come back to life? What's going on?"
"So, what" Elena mockingly pinched his cheek "You'd rather I don't pay attention to you? You were missed" pinching his butt "I hope you will make it up to me." She laughed with a seductive smile. "Don't dare tell me you are tired."
She told the kids, "Go to bed immediately. Father and I have important political issues to discuss."
His kids kissed him again with affection and he kissed them back in the same manner. They went up to their rooms while winking at him cunningly and with understanding. Elena became curious.
"How was it in the command pit? What's happening with this fucking war?" Barney hugged her and they went to the living room while the TV in there was still on.
"What can I tell you, Elena? Being in the command pit is like falling into a bottomless hole. This war is the craziest existing mental institution, and the main problem is that insane people are running it." Elena laughed, Barney laughed with her, and they found themselves watching the TV reports from the war.
"Unfortunately, both armies are fighting lamely, without a choice. The Democratic and the Islamic armies are like two ostriches with their heads in the sand. The two armies have suffered heavy casualties. The border area of "Fata Morgana" is turning into a graveyard. The two armies hold their positions and continue suffering heavy losses."
Barney felt disgust and turned the TV off before he would lose it and commit himself.
"Come on Elena, there is something better than this war. Like our ancestors said. 'Sex is the greatest war of all'."