"Kiss me." Her voice is so meek it makes me feel like I need to protect her suddenly.
Wrapping her tighter in my arms, I kiss her, gently, just my lips caressing hers, our noses rubbing as our eyes open to watch each others lips and flitter up to stare into them. I lean my forehead against hers and break the kiss.
"I don't know what I do to deserve you, Sarina." I whisper.
"I don't either sometimes." She says it with such a straight face that it shocks me. However, when I look in to her eyes, I see that she's built a wall back up inside of herself. She's guarding her heart again.
"This really hurt me, Brian. I know you did not plan it, nor did you want it to happen. It just sucks that it was just really shitty timing." Sarina sighs, "It really hurt that you did not come talk to me first. I understand and like I said, I forgive you for it, but it still hurt me. " She bites her bottom lip and sits up. "I'm going to the restroom. We are not done talking yet."
I hold my hands up, "I'll be waiting in the living room. You want a cup of coffee?"
She shakes her head no, "Um, just some juice please."
"Okay." I get up and get her a cup of juice and make myself another cup of coffee, taking it to the living room.
As I pass the kitchen table I take note of a little gift wrapped box on it and pause. Sarina comes out at this moment and sees me and comes over to take the glass of juice.
"Thank you." She says grabbing my hand and leading me to the living room.
"What's that on the table? It has my name on it." I ask her.
"Don't worry about that. You'll get that later. Just not right now." She says as we sit down.
She sighs, taking a sip of her juice and sets it down on the table. "Can you tell me what went through your mind when you saw the pictures?"
I take a deep breath and try to think back before I start. "Honestly, I was confused. I saw your face and was just asking, 'why are you in this picture' and then when I realized what was going on, it was denial. However, seeing how many were in the envelope, I was... hurt, angry, confused. Sarina, I had just got done talking to Tori about our honeymoon and was on cloud nine only to fall into the deepest pit of hell. I knew I was not going to be in my right mind so I told my secretary on the way out to take care of my appointments until I either called or came back in."
I pause thinking back, "I remember coming to the house, but it hurt to look around at everything if those were true. I kept telling myself, that you wouldn't, you couldn't do that to me, to us. Those damn images kept flashing through my mind though and I was packing my suitcase because I couldn't handle it. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my heart had been replaced with a black hole, sucking the air from my lungs. I needed to get away was all I could think, I grabbed the bottles of liquor and left. I don't know how I ended up there at the motel honestly, I just drove and when I came to from my thoughts I was there."
She stays quiet and so I continue, "As soon as I was in the room, I started drinking. I needed to feel something other than the pain I was feeling. I laid there curled up in a ball and begged whoever was listening that it was not true, that you still love me and only me." I have to wipe the tears that start falling and take a moment.
"I hate saying this, but I finally understood how my brother must have felt. He was so in love with this guy he was supposed to meet. When they did that to him, the pain, the violation of not just his body but of his mind and heart... how alone it feels that no amount of company can fix... I finally understood why my brother chose to end his life."
Sarina sniffles, wiping her eyes and raises her eyes, concern causing wrinkles to form on her forehead. I lean forward and smooth them out.
"Hey, none of that. I understood him, but there was not a single thought of me ending my own life. Yes, I wanted the pain to stop, but not at the cost of my life, Sarina." I reassure her. "I did plan on coming back, to talk to you, but I just wasn't ready to deal with the pain if it had been true. I hated it, but I was letting the stories from my patients experiences tell me, that it's always the person you least expect that hurts you the most. I couldn't help the thought that maybe I wasn't good enough for you, that you needed something that I was not providing." I wipe my face dry, only for more tears to keep coming, "I can not tell you how much I regret letting it all get to me. How disappointed I am in myself for not trusting you better than that."
Sarina sighs, "I should tell you something... " She starts, making me want to freeze as my stomach plummets.
"What is it you'd like to tell me?"
She starts fiddling with her hands and I notice she keeps touching her stomach like she's going to be sick or she's cramping. She makes a fist and looks me straight in the eye. "I've been going to see someone for therapy ever since our big fight in the beginning. When you and my brother said that I took my anger out on you for other peoples mistakes."
This is news... but thinking about it, she did seem to have something she had to do some days, that she was always vague about. She had also seemed to really be trying to make changes so she didn't react to me the way she would with her ex.... HER EX.
"MARCUS DID THIS SHIT!" I shout standing up, making her start and shrink back.
"Oh shit! I'm sorry Sarina. I didn't mean to scare you baby." I go to take a seat closer by her, but she still leans back away from me. Which makes me feel more like shit.
"Sarina... " I start but she holds up a hand.
"I was not finished saying what I needed to say." She says swallowing. "Also I figured it was Marcus. Even John and Tori thought that it was him. But I need to tell you something about those pictures." She gets up and pulls the pictures back out, going through them till she came to a group that were gathered by a rubber band. She hands them over to me.
"These ... these are real. Just not how they look." Her hand shakes as she hands them to me and I almost don't want to look.
I take them and spread them out. My heart clenches. It's the ones where she's wearing the earrings, pressed against a brick wall and this unnamed guy. My jaw locks and I feel fire spread through me.
"How are they real then?" I ask her, raising a brow, ready to listen to her. If she said it's not how it looks and knowing how conniving Marcus has been thus far, he probably set it up.
She clears her throat, "That man, he approached me outside of my therapists office, asking about the earrings. It was fine at first, until he caught me off guard and picked me up and pinned me against the wall. A security guard rushed over and pulled him off of me and then two gentlemen in scrubs showed up taking him with him, saying he got away from them and apologized profusely. They seemed so worried about losing their jobs because of it, I brushed it off. Telling them I wouldn't say anything and I didn't."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask her.
"I don't know..." She moans, "I know that was after all that bullshit with Marcus too..." She covers her face with her hands before running her hands through her hair and tugs. "I've called my therapist about security footage and explained to them about the circumstances and asked if they could forward the video to show you, so they're going through it with the date of when I think it was. They're supposed to get back to me."
I sit there absorbing this information and ask her, "Why didn't you tell me that you were going to therapy? Were you embarrassed?"
She straightens up in her posture, "Yes, at first I was embarrassed. I'm not anymore, I just didn't know how to tell you. Because, I am still going to therapy, Brian. After the past few days.... I know I need it still. I immediately started thinking about what I may have done wrong, how I was not good enough, how maybe I pushing wanting kids too soon with you and that I ended up pushing you away. I was a wreck, Brian. I'm calm right now, but my emotions are still wanting to spiral out of control. I want to slap you for thinking so low of me. I want beat you for leaving like you did and making me lose my mind with worry. I want to grind my teeth and scream at the top of my lungs at you for the past few days, but I know that it will not solve anything between us either."
I shake my head, "I'm sorry Sarina. I made a lot of stupid mistakes the past few days and I hope you know, that it kills me that I was so fucking stupid too." I look down at the floor, holding my hands in between my legs, elbows resting on my thighs as I realize the pain and blow our relationship suffered the past few days.
"Is that why you didn't tell me about this guy accosting you? Because then you'd have to explain why you were there and you were too embarrassed to admit it?" I ask curious. It hurt knowing that she thought that her seeking help with therapy would make me look down on her or be something she would need to even feel embarrassment about with me.
She sits there, still pulling the ends of her hair with her hands. "I don't know why I didn't tell you, maybe it was cause of everything else going on and feeling embarrassed. I honestly forgot about it quickly afterwards until I saw these pictures. Now, I know I should have just been forthcoming and told you about the therapy and this back then. I can't go back and change that now, but I am sorry that I didn't when I should have. It was something I was still working on at the time."
I nod and set the pictures on the table and turn to face her full on. "I can't say I'm not disappointed and a little hurt that you felt embarrassed about going to therapy. I am proud of the fact that you did though Sarina. I'm very proud of every achievement, goal you've obtained, and even your failures. You are an exceptional person and woman who I adore."
"Thank you." She says humbly, even though I see the shiver of pride roll down her spine making her shoulders sit a little straighter.
"You don't need to trouble your therapist about the video. I don't need it to know you're telling me the truth." I add, taking note of the way she still looks at me like I might hurt her at any moment.
Her eyes which have been guarded this whole time, finally soften and the wall falls down. She wraps her arms around my waist, and falls into my chest and holds me tightly.
"Thank you. God. The last few days have really been hellish for me too, you know." She whispers holding me tightly.
I chuckle, "Hopefully, we won't have them again. Now, we just need something to put us back on the right track." I hold her to me, treasuring the fact that this woman is mine. All mine.
She pushes back a little bit, biting her bottom lip. "Let me up real quick. I need to get something for you."
"Alright." I reluctantly release her from my grasp. She's back though within a few seconds, bringing with her the little gift box that was on the table.
"This is for you." She smiles, standing in front of me as I start to open it.