I'm at the house packing my clothes, toiletries, and grab a couple bottles of alcohol to stick in my bag. I pack some food too, mostly snack foods, before I go to my office and open my safe, pulling out the couple grand I've kept on hand in cash as a rainy day fund. I believe this constitutes a rainy day fund. I walk out and lock the door before heading back to the car, bottle clinking in my bag as I set it in the back seat.
I don't really know how I ended up at this motel 6, about an hour away. Not too far from where me and Sarina had stayed at in Glen Rose. I remember her pointing out the little shop next to it that we had stopped at and bought some snacks. But, now I'm sitting here, drinking straight from the bottle of Jack trying not to think about her. I can't help it though, nothing is going to erase the images of her that are now sitting in the room with me. I couldn't stay at the office. I immediately stood and collected the pictures and told my secretary to cancel all my appointments or switch them to the interns.
I was numb then.
Maybe it was denial.
Not anymore though.
I feel like every nerve in my body is attacking itself, like my heart has shattered into a million pieces. How could she do this?! To me? To US?
I don't want to look at the photos again. I don't want to believe them. How could my Sarina, my everything, cheat on me? WHY? I thought she said I was perfect? That I was enough? I don't know who the other guy is, but John... After that shit he told me at the wedding... How fucking dare he.
I'll handle him soon enough. I just need to get through this somehow. I feel like I can't breathe though. Every breath comes in tight and painful. Every muscle in my body feels tense, overworked, and exhausted. The pain is overwhelming me.
I'm drowning in it. I don't know how I'll survive this.
I don't know if I want to.
The Jack doesn't even burn anymore as I take another swig, trying to feel something other than the pain, but it's not working. I curl up into a little ball in the middle of the bed, trying to make myself as small as I feel, as insignificant as I am.
God! Why did she do this to me?! Why?!
We just got married! We shared something so beautiful together!
Was it all a lie?! God! Why do I have to hurt like this?! Please, just make the pain stop!
Please. I'm begging you. This isn't real, it can't be real. Please... Please... don't let it be real. She wouldn't do this to me. She couldn't. It's not true.
It's not true.
Please. Don't let it be true.
Sarina POV
I sit at home with dinner made and my surprise sitting in a box to show him. By six I'm thinking something has held him up at work, that he got called into the hospital for an emergency. By eight, I'm getting worried. I've called and his phone goes straight to voicemail. I've called his offices and their is no answer there either. Maybe he's on his way home and his phone died? Or his phone was broken and he had to stop at a store to get a new one?
I fall asleep waiting on the couch for him to come home. When I see the sun poking through the curtains, I hop up and run to our bedroom and it's untouched. I call his phone again and still straight to voicemail. There's this overwhelming feeling of something is not right coursing through me.
I give Lirael a call and ask her if they've seen or talked to Brian at all since yesterday.
"No. We haven't, why?" Lirael asks.
"He hasn't been home all night and he's not answering his phone, it goes straight to voicemail. I don't know where he is, and I just have this bad feeling growing in the pit of my stomach." I swallow the sob that's rising in my throat, "I'm scared something happened to him." My voice breaks and a sob escapes me then.
"Oh, Sarina. Don't think like that! I'll call around and Lance will too. We'll see if anyone has seen him. Did you guys have an argument?" Lirael asks me concerned.
"No. That's why I'm starting to freak out." I work out around my tears.
"Okay, try not to worry too much yet. It might be something silly. We'll call around. Have you called his parents by chance? Maybe something happened and they needed him and he just hasn't thought to call?" Lirael offers.
"Okay, you're right. I'll give them a call. Call me as soon as you hear something, please." I hang up with Lirael and give Brittany a call.
"Good morning, Sarina. Is my son already getting on your nerves?" Brittany laughs over the phone, making my heart plummet.
"Um. No. Have you heard from him by chance? He didn't come home last night and his phone goes straight to voicemail. We didn't have a fight or anything so this has got me a little freaked out." I quickly ask and try to clarify.
"Hold on dear." I hear his mom talking to his dad and the shuffling sound of the phone as she holds it back up to her ear. "No, neither of us have heard from him. You said you didn't get into a fight or anything like that? This is concerning. We'll make some calls see if anyone has seen him. I'll call you back, love."
"Okay, thank you." I hang up and pace, trying to think of anyone to call. I called Amanda and Alyssa and it's the same thing with them too. I'm trying to think, trying to remember someone else to call, and think of Jack Brown. I don't have his number though.
So I call the hospital and ask for him through the receptionist. Once again, he's not heard from him and I ask if he'll check the system to see if maybe he was admitted and I just haven't been notified yet. He asks me what's wrong and I explain he's not been home, his phone is off, and we did not have a fight. This is not like him, even if we had a fight, he wouldn't just disappear like this.
I try to keep myself together, but tears are streaming and I'm slowly falling apart.
What has happened to him? I clutch my abdomen, knowing he wouldn't just leave like this. Right?
He wouldn't leave me, right? He's always said, I'm enough, I'm perfect, he wouldn't destroy what we had right?
I walk into the bedroom to change my clothes and notice something is off in the closet. Clothes are missing. I check his dirty clothes and there's nothing in there. I run to the washer and it's empty. I run back to the bedroom and his suitcase is gone.
Dread fills my stomach. I run into the bathroom and his toiletries are gone.
"No... No .. no... no..." I start to cry out. "No.. he didn't ... he couldn't... he wouldn't... no." He's left me. He's left us. No note. No call. Nothing. He's just gone.
Why? Why would he do this?
My phone goes off and it makes me jump and I answer it.
"Hey Sarina, no one has heard or seen him." Lirael tells me, "Any luck?" She asks.
I can't answer her. All I do is sob uncontrollably into the phone. I hear her start freaking out and her shouting at Lance to watch Richard, that she's coming to me. She stays on the phone the whole time, and I think that her voice is the only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment.
He's left me. He's left me. He's broken me. I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough. Why? Why? Everything was great, at least I thought so. Why? What did I do? I didn't do anything?!
Was it because I wanted to start a family? He said he wanted to wait longer, but I pushed the issue and he gave in.
Oh my god... is that it? But I didn't even tell him yet! How would he have known?! He didn't seem against it that much! He just wanted to be have me to himself a little longer was all he said.
Oh my god... that can't be it, but it's the only thing I know of that could be it!
I clutch my abdomen and start crying, talking to our child growing in my stomach, "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry, I wanted you so badly, but I guess daddy was not ready. I'm so sorry."
I'm rocking on the floor of the bathroom, ugly crying, the pain in my heart overwhelming me to the point I don't hear anyone enter the bathroom, until I feel hands on my arms.
I jump, "BRIAN?!" I turn, hope filling me only to be gut punched when I see it's Lirael. A fresh wave of misery overwhelms me as I clutch to Lirael, whole body wracking cries and sobs escaping me.
"He... left... me. Suitcase... gone... I should've... listened.. didn't ..want... kids ..yet.." I choke out around sobs. I try to take a breath and can't, I rush to the toilet and end up throwing up anything left in my stomach from last night and tons of phlegm and bile. Lirael holds my hair back, trying to soothe me, rubbing my back.
Once I've stopped heaving, blown my nose, and rinsed my mouth, she helps me up off the floor and sets me on the bed.
"Okay, Sarina. Breathe, please. Tell me what's going on. You said his suitcase is gone?"
I nod, telling her what I've found and why I think he left. "It's the only thing that makes sense, Lirael. Why else would he just pack up and not leave a note?!"
"Brian would not leave you if he thought you were pregnant, Sarina. He's not a coward for one, for two, even if he wanted to wait a little longer, he'd still be over the moon with happiness. I know Brian better than that. You do too." Lirael tells me firmly. "You need to calm down. You're letting your fear and anxiety control you. Just breathe."
She takes me through a few breathing exercises, before asking, "Now, I want to know. Are you really pregnant?"
I look up at her and nod, tears rolling down my face. "I am." I get out, more fresh tears falling endlessly, that I can't stop. They're bittersweet tears, though. "I was so excited to tell him yesterday when he got home. I didn't even realize that his stuff was missing, either. Now. I don't know what to feel."
My phone starts going off again and I pick it up. "Hello?"
"Sarina, we need to talk. Me, you, Brian and Tori, because something is not right with these pictures." Johns voice comes over the phone.
Stunned I pause a moment. "Pictures? What pictures?" I ask.
"Brian hasn't shown you the pictures yet?" John asks, confusion in his voice.
"John... I haven't seen Brian since yesterday morning. No one has. His suitcase and clothes are missing but no one can get in touch with him. Now what pictures are you talking about?" I ask equally confused and starting to get hysteric again.
"Tori and I are coming over. You need to see this." John says before hanging up.