I was meeting with the contractors that are working on the building, making the apartments in the upper floors today. It was just a walk through, to make sure everything was going as planned, that their were no issues or if there are, what they are. Brittany, Brian's mother had suggested to me that we add some kind of private garage area for the apartments, that there was room and we could add a private elevator too. Then there could essentially be monthly HOA fee's that would pay for the maintenance of the elevator and garage area that could be kept in a high interest savings account that could make money until it was needed.
Brian's mother has been a godsend through all of this. Brian has been a godsend too. I know I was being stupid and foolish a few weeks ago when I let Marcus's words sow seeds of doubt. I knew better about his computer. I should have known some of those names were male names, not female and made it obvious that he was not cheating. I felt so stupid the second he left and went to Lirael's and Lance's place. But he was right.
Our problem wasn't about love, it was me and my insecurities and my inability to trust when my insecurities get the better of me. Brian doesn't know it, but I've been talking to a therapist about it and the issues that have been occurring. I didn't want to leave him and even though he was a therapist himself, I felt that I should talk to someone else. They gave me the same advice that Brian was, but they also gave me more insight on how to change my way of thinking when those doubts came to life. I didn't want to lose Brian and I was doing great so far according to my therapist.
The third floor apartments were coming along well, the top two floors were doing well so far too. All the framing and walls had been done with the plumbing and electrical. So all that was left was flooring, painting and all the finer details. They had added to the roof top a large privacy wall down the middle for the two top apartments. That way each one had a roof top terrace. They were installing the salt water plunge pools for each one, laying down the frame work for all the flooring that would be placed overtop of all the plumbing for drainage and to give everything a higher end look.
This remodel was already costing so much and I was so grateful to my brother for gifting me what he had. I don't think I'd be able to pull it off if he hadn't.
I just finish with the contractor and interior designer to make sure every thing was going as planned when my phone goes off.
"Sarina McNeal speaking." I greet not checking the caller ID.
"Hey are you free for lunch?" Lirael asks.
"With you?" I ask, jokingly.
"No, with the good year blimp. You are not going to believe how big my stomach has gotten. I can barely reach the stirring wheel right now, so it's my last day of driving myself anywhere. Let's go have lunch over the Blue's." Her sarcasm and bubbly attitude right now are just what I need.
"Okay, I'll see you at Blue's in twenty minutes?" I say looking at my watch.
"Perfect."
We're sitting outside at Blue's so Lirael can sit down. She's afraid to try and fit into a booth, just in case she might get stuck. She looks like she should be having twins with her belly.
"So have you guys decided on a name?" I ask her as we sip our drinks and Lirael props her feet up on the empty chair next to her.
"No, not yet. I can't, because I feel like I'll know when I get to hold them. If I plan their name and then hold them and go... you don't look like a Tom, or something then I'm having to change it. Lance has something that he's leaning towards but he agrees with me, it can wait." She waves it off. "Enough about this baby, it already gets majority of the attention as is. So how are things going for you? How's the building coming along?"
I fill her in on what's going on with the building until the food arrives.
"Well, I'm glad that's all working out, but what about you and Brian? I know I've talked to you since that big fight, but that was right after it. Now, that things have calmed down, how is everything?" Lirael asks, picking up a crouton from her salad to crunch on while she gives me her undivided attention.
"We're doing a lot better. He doesn't know, so please don't say anything... but I've been talking to a therapist about my insecurities and trust issues." I inform her.
"Wait, you're talking to a therapist that you pay, while dating a therapist who would have done it for free?" Lirael asks me.
I roll my eyes at her, "You know, my therapist gave me the same advice Brian has before on how to handle things, so at first I was thinking I wasted my money. However, they went and explained how to implement that advice in the moment to help change my way of thinking when doubts and insecurities come up. It's really been helping a lot." I let her know. "I didn't realize how badly my exes and my parents had really caused me to have so many of my trust issues. However, my inability to sit down and really understand my emotions and why I was feeling them at times didn't help either."
Lirael squints her eyes at me, "You don't want Brian to know this...why? I think he'd be really proud of you to know that you've made these kind of efforts. That's the only reason he hasn't popped..." Lirael suddenly coughs and drinks some of her water.
Only reason he hasn't popped... what?
"What did you mean by that? Hasn't popped what?" I ask her.
Lirael shakes her head, "I was talking about popping the question for your guys little vacation trip he's mentioned before. He knows that right now is stressful for you and he doesn't want the stress to cause problems if something happens...."
I let out a long sigh, "Do I cause problems with him that much every time I'm feeling stressed out?" I ask her sincerely.
She shakes her head, "No, no sweetheart. I mean just like anyone who's going through a lot of stress, you might be snippy or short but he understands that part. Please don't take what I just said to heart... It came out wrong. He just doesn't want you to be stressing when you're supposed to be relaxing from the stressful situations." Lirael reassures me.
"Alright. I just wanted to make sure."
I get to eating my meal and let Lirael munch on her lunch as well. She informs me about the new procedures that will be set in place for the club for newcomers. They decided on newbies first learning some facts, like a BDSM 101, focusing on the safe, sane, consensual, and fun part of it, and then going over all the options on the contracts at the club.
"I think that will be great, but some people may get annoyed if they already know the facts." I say my thoughts out loud to her.
"They can get annoyed all they want. If they can't handle it, we don't want those type in the club. We all know how important it is that everyone is informed and agrees to these things before hand." Lirael adds.
I nod, sighing as I sipped my drink, full from lunch.
Lirael looks at me a little bit harder as if she's thinking of something to tell me.
"What's up, Lirry?" I ask her as she snaps from her thoughts.
She grimaces before shaking her head, "I don't know if it's my place to say anything."
"What do you mean?" I ask, "Does it concern me?"
Lirael nods slowly. My mind starts to race, but I take a breath and clear my head, waiting for Lirael to elaborate.
Lirael smiles at me, "You have food stuck in your teeth."
My face goes flat in annoyance, "Really? Not your place to say anything?"
She bursts into laughter, handing me her compact from her purse, "I was just being an ass, don't be mad."
I take the compact and check my teeth, finding some herb stuck to my teeth. I use my tongue to clean it out.
"So what ran through your mind when I said that earlier?" Lirael takes the compact back, putting it in her purse.
"Nothing really. The second that worried emotions started going through me I took a breath and waited till you said what you needed to. Why?" I'm confused at first, but as I answered her question I realized. She was seeing me use my therapist's advice in action. "Never mind, I think I figured it out on my own." I play with my hair, slightly embarrassed that it took me that long to figure it out.
Lirael just smiles, sincerely radiating her next words, "I'm proud of you, Sarina."
Her words catch me off guard, the honesty behind them. It causes my eyes to prick with emotion and I just look away as I clear my throat, "Thanks."
Feeling my skin flush from the emotions, I add, awkwardly, "Like I said, I've really been trying to work on me." I shrug and Lirael puts her feet down from the chair and waddles over to me and gives me a quick hug.
"I know, darlin. Let's go pay, I need to pee, and go home before this kid starts giving me heartburn from eating. I know you need to get back to work." She smiles rubbing my arm before her eyes widen. "I'm going to the bathroom first. See you in a minute." She waddles towards the bathroom and I can't help but laugh and shake my head watching her rushing to the bathroom.