"So these all belonged to your brother?" Sarina asks, after we've cleaned ourselves up, we end up going through the books.
"Yeah. He wanted to travel and see the world, doing photography and writing travel guides." I inform her, placing some of the books on the bookcase here in the office.
"Football, photography, writing.... good looking.... your brother was a high school heart throb for all the girls, wasn't he?" She teases.
I shrug, "Heart breaker is more like it."
Sarina quirks a brow, "What? Heartbreaker?"
Sighing, I stick the POG binder on a different shelf, "The girls were into him, but he wasn't into girls."
Sarina's eyes widen, "Oh." Clearing her throat, she pulls out an unmarked book from the tote. "I'm sorry, I can tell this is not easy for you."
I shake my head at her, "It's okay. You don't have to apologize, for anything." I smile, pulling out another book to check it out.
"Um.. Brian?" Sarina's surprised tone has me looking up from the photography book I had just pulled out.
"Yes, what is it?" I ask her, setting down the book in my hand as she holds the one in hers out.
"It's your brothers journal." She offers it and upon taking it, I see the handwriting I've not seen in years.
I scan through the pages, catching tidbits of things he wrote about. The first entry was done when we were fourteen but the last one.... is from the day he killed himself. Reading his words, his pain, the betrayal and disgust he was feeling had my mind caught in a trance unable to stop reading but wishing I would.
Warm arms wrap around me, my vision blurring to where I can't read my brother writing how he felt so alone, even when in the same room with me, his best friend, as he wrote it. I was the only one he trusted and he hated knowing that what he was doing would be leaving me behind. However, he couldn't look in the mirror anymore, he was afraid to go to school, afraid of locker rooms, afraid of anyone finding out that the guys who raped him, had given him HIV and ruined him.
We had found out after the autopsy that he was HIV positive. It was only a few weeks after the incident when he had taken his life. After that though, my parents pressed every charge in the book on those guys. They're all still in prison, not due for parole for another eight years.
But... it doesn't change the fact my brother is not here, is not coming back.
My tears flow freely, Sarina's arms holding me tightly as her own tears are felt on my skin. I drop the journal and turn, taking Sarina into my arms and we just stand and hold each other while we calm down.
"Come on, babe. I think we're done in here for the night." Sarina says pulling me gently towards the bedroom. I follow her, allowing her to pull me and then help me undress before getting into the bed.
"Thank you." I croak, after she has snuggled up next to me, curling her body protectively over me.
"You don't have to thank me for this." She runs a hand over my stomach up to my chest, resting it over my heart. "I don't like to see you in pain. It hurts me to see you hurting too."
Her words soothe the ache in my heart. Placing a hand over the hers that's on my heart, I hold it gently up to kiss her palm and place it back down.
"And you say I shouldn't thank you for caring about me.." I quip, rubbing my thumb on the back of her hand.
She wiggles her body against mine, hiding her face in the crook of neck, murmuring under her breath, "Yes, doctor perfect Huller."
A scoffing laugh escapes me before I pull away and roll on to my side so I can see her face. "Why do you always call me that? I'm not perfect, obviously." I ask her, rolling my eyes, but keep my tone light.
She lets out a long breath, before running her hand over my chest, watching it as she did so. "Because you are. You're sexy, amazing in bed, sweet, you have awesome parents who love you..." Her voice trails off, "you're smart, caring, I enjoy everything about you..."
I can feel the conjunction coming on, whether it be but or and, but she stays silent.
"But?" I draw out the word, trying to catch her eyes so she'll look at me.
She meets my eyes and says, shakily, "And... I just feel like it's too good to be true."
Understanding what she was trying to say, I ask her seriously, "Do you think I'm going to do something to intentionally hurt you?"
Her bottom lip trembles as she thinks, "No?" She starts, "I don't know." Her eyes lower from mine as she blinks back tears, "I only know when I felt like this before, things normally went south. So I'm afraid of the same thing happening again."
"Do you really believe that I would do something to you? Really?" I ask her, feeling surprised and disappointed over her words. I know it's just a conditioned response from her previous relationships, but it didn't change how they affected me.
Taking in a shaky breath she says quietly, "No, and I tell myself that every time the thought crosses my mind. But I'm still concerned." She takes another calming breath, "I think maybe I'm just emotional though right now too with my brother and then just a little bit ago, seeing you in pain." Her voice breaks but she takes another calming breath, "It's just driving the reality home that soon, I'm going to not have my big brother anymore and it's causing other doubts and concerns to pop up in my mind. Like, 'what else could go wrong' so I can prepare myself. I don't know...."
She wipes her eyes of the tears that threatened to fall and says shakily. "I'm not making any sense right now, sorry."
I let out the breath I had been holding while she spoke earlier and pull her closer to me, "No." I say kissing her forehead, "You are. It's okay, my love. I'll just have to continue to prove to you that I mean it when I say, I love you."
She doesn't say anything, just holds me tighter as we lay there in silence. A million thoughts can be heard in the silence between the two of us.
After a little while she asks me softly, "Did you want me to join you over at your parents tomorrow?"
"Of course." I say softly. "I'll need your help to pack up my stuff and help start taking down all those posters."
Sarina chuckles, "Even the ones on the ceiling?"
I roll my eyes and tell her, "Yes, even those. You can sit on my shoulders to pull those ones down. You'll just need to be quiet so my parents don't hear you scream my name."
Sarina smacks my arm, "You wouldn't dare!"
I laugh, "Oh? I think you've got me confused with a perfect gentleman." I emphasize the last bit, for a chuckle out of her. I hear a scornful scoff before she goes to roll over.
"You're so naughty." She chastises me, scooting away from me on the bed, like she's mad.
Chuckling, I scoot closer to her back, only for her to scoot farther from me and closer to the edge.
"Oh come on, don't be like that." I huff, getting closer to her, making her get right to the edge of the bed.
"It's bad enough your mother walked in on us about to go at, the first time we met. Now, you want to make me scream your name under their roof?!" She says incredulously, throwing a hand up in the air for emphasis, but still facing away from me.
"Oh you bet your little temper tantrum right now, I do." I laugh, wrapping my arm around her waist and pull her close to my body, "You know you're awfully cute when your mad." I growl into her ear, as she wiggles in my arms before I start planting kisses on her neck.
"HEY! No fair!" She starts to giggle as the hand I wrapped around her, starts tickling her side. When I get to her ribcage, her giggles turn to squeals of laughter, "BRIAN!" She screeches, trying everything to move my hand away from her ribs, kicking her legs and laughing.
She suddenly grabs my arm and flips me over her and with a bang and sudden loss of breath, I'm on the floor.
"OH holy shit! Brian are you okay?" Sarina's still trying to calm her laughter, stifling a smile behind thin, tight lips as she looks over the side of the bed.
I take a few breaths, blinking my eyes a few times as I look at her dumbfounded.
"Brian?" Sarina's concern grows like the creases on her forehead as her face loses any sign of amusement.
I slowly sit up, turn to her and tell her, "Oh... you are so going to get it now." I say jumping up and on the bed.