Tick-tock Tick-tock Tick-tock

The clock moves slowly. I look at it carefully, there are only ten minutes to end our session. I focus so much on the noise the clock, that everything seems to drown out. Gradually my surroundings disappear. It's me and the clock, the clock and me, together with us just a continuum of dark between us.

"Mr. Kurosai, are you listening to me?"

She startles me. I wake up suddenly from the trance I entered for a few seconds. I start to scrub my eyes trying to get out of my thoughts completely and return to the concrete world.

"I'm sorry Doctor Ueba, I got a little lost in my head."

"It's okay, Mr. Kurosai, getting lost in thought is quite common among my patients. Think about it, conversations lead to reflection, I see it as a good thing when a patient appears to be thoughtful. We were talking about your family, remember?"

"Oh yes of course....."

I don't say anything for a while, not being able to think of anything to say.

"Honestly, I don't have much to say about my family. I never talk about them much because I always talk more about my problems, and they are pretty much the opposite of a problem. Even though I was adopted I never felt unloved or out of place, I think maybe that's unusual but I couldn't ask for better parents."

"I'm happy about that but that's what worries me, after all you left your family to come here to Tokyo. Don't you miss them?"

"Ah.....I think you're right, this is still being difficult. As it hasn't been that long since I left home, I think it feels more like I'm just in a summer trip than that I leave my house indefinitely."

My parents really wanted to come, but they couldn't leave our store. My father is the second generation running the store, and there are so many memories inside. Also, finding a job in Tokyo would probably make it impossible for us to pay for my therapy. I feel guilty for spending so much money in my treatment, but just by hearing the satisfaction in the voice of my parents when they call me I undestand that what they want most is for me to get better.

"Unfortunately, this homesickness is something you will have to learn to live with. I don't this will harm your progress at all. Let's talk more about the subject of homesickness in the next sessions, i'm sure you will overcome this."

I sigh. She talks of progress, but I can't see any progress since I arrived.

"Would you like to say something Mr. Kurosai?"

I get embarrassed, even though I am 16 years old the doctor continues to call me "Mr. Kudosai", I already told her to just call me Isshin but she seems to prefer it this way. I find it unusual but flattering for her to do this. Professionalism seems to be her trademark.

Even though I feel flattered, I concentrate and start to get my ideas out.

"Yes, I've been thinking these last few months about how I don't feel like I'm making any progress....I know you don't like me to insist on this but–"

"Please Mr. Kurosai, don't say anything about taking medicines again. I understand your position but as a doctor I still believe that your problems will not improve with drug treatment."

I look at Dr. Ueba's expression. Her looks, dress, and even gaze create an air of absolute calm in the room. Even with a direct response, her professional composure remains intact. Whenever I look at her it seems like the only thing out of place are my doubting expressions that I occasionally see in the reflection of her glasses.

"I know.....it's just that sometimes I think it would be great to just take a pill and solve everything. When the doctors in my city said they believed I had ADHD, I thought that when I got here everything would be resolved by taking some pills. I think I ended up creating high expectations, which ended up generating some disappointments."

For a moment, I see the doctor's gaze change. She takes off her glasses, placing them on the table next to a clipboard.

"Look, we've been doing therapy for almost 3 months and even though it doesn't seem like it, I can see a lot of progress in your case. You've managed to make friends at school, you've been eating better and, above all, you're not having your night blackouts anymore. The mind is something delicate. There are cases that do need medication, but this is not your case, at least in my analysis."

"Sorry Doctor, you are absolutely right."

I came here for treatment, and I ended up thinking it would be something quick, that in a few weeks I would go back to my hometown, but I think it won't be that simple.

I came to Tokyo for what my parents always called "Lack of attention" and what I always thought was just "Sheer stupidity".

Ever since I was little, I've always been really bad at school. A rain with lightning, a whisper, a sound of a pencil falling, anything always take my concentration completely. Classes seemed to last for decades, it was torture just trying to write something on my notebook.

My surrondings were so noisy even if everything was silent.

That's why my parents were always worried. They taught me how to read in small steps, never letting me down along the way. With a lot of dedication I managed to go through all my initial years at school, but when I got to high school everything seemed impossible.

My freshman year was a disaster, there's no other word to describe it better. I had few friends, after all, who would want to sit and talk with the dumbass in the class, and my grades had never been so low. I think I started to feel worse and worse, with all that, even trying the hardest I could, nothing was working at all.

Everyone laughed at my effort, it seemed that all was lost.

My parents, as always, felt the responsibility to help me, so they ended up contacting Dr. Ueba, who is one of the top adolescent psychiatry in the country. In addition to therapy, she referred Hiroshi Arisugawa private high school , which she said was known for helping students considered "problematic", besides being very well recognized.

It is true that I managed to adapt to the problems of my new life, but those that I brought from afar seem not to cease.

"If you want, I can refer you to some colleagues if you want another medical opinion."

"No, thank you for being so open with me on these matters. I shouldn't have brought this up, I have complete confidence in your treatment doc."

An alarm on the doctor's cell phone rings, she takes the cell phone and turns off the alarm.

"Our session for today is over but I wanted to ask one last question. Did you talk to the girl you told last week?"

"Girl?....Oh.....No."

I didn't understand very well at first because I may have changed the real story a little bit. I remembered saying something like "a girl seems to be looking at me a lot and sometimes following me", instead of telling that....Well, that I am being completely paranoid thinking that there is a woman following me absolutely everywhere, even on the street where I live.

"Mr. Kurosai, just looking at your face, I already understood that you didn't completely tell me the truth about this girl, but as the session is over, I'll let this one go. Just talk to the girl, the worst that can happen is that you're wrong and you won't get a new girlfriend."

I get up picking up my backpack from the floor and putting on a surgical mask. I look back and wave, saying goodbye to the doctor.

"You always go out wearing a mask, right?"

"Yeah....I think so, it's a habit I have for no reason."

Dr. Ueba stands up with a smile on her face, something that almost never happens. She pats my shoulder twice, wiping away some dirt.

"There is no habit without a reason Isshin, even if it is something silly there is always a reason. My father always told me something that I think fits this: Sometimes our demons appears in very strange disguises. Think about it a little, see you in the next week."

I leave the office thoughtful. I walk to the subway in slow steps while I think about why I started wearing this mask when I'm out. Inside the subway I look around seeing all those people, making me think If did I started wearing this mask for fear of being among so many people ?

No, on the contrary, I always found it interesting to stay in such a big city, with so many people.

Inside the train, a keyring on another student's backpack starts to make a sound, it's rhythmic and metallic. I get lost in the noise, remembering something. What was I even thinking? Oh about the surgical mask I use. I feel the mask touch my mouth, my breathing makes the mask go a little forward and back.

A muffled music plays inside me. A short and sweet melody.

Where does this melody come from? A cell phone ringtone maybe? No I've heard it before....Oh it's the warning that the doors are closing. What subway station am I at...Oh the one my high school is.....

THE DOORS ARE CLOSING.

I run forward passing close to the two closing doors, I fall to the ground but I manage to pass. A guard passing by helps me up.

"Careful next time boy."

"I will, thank you very much."

I bow in thanks until the guard walks away. Damn, everything is always getting worse, I almost miss the right station again due to inattention.

I follow the streets full of students, they talk about everyday life, I remain still thoughtful. Crossing the street, a car passes behind me at full speed. I don't get scared, but a thought comes when looking at the exhaust. Did I start to use this surgical mask because of the pollution ? I remember getting a stuffy nose sometimes, on the coast there weren't so many cars.

I don't think so either, what will it be then....

I arrive in my sophomore class. The room is pretty empty, a friend of mine sleeps in the chair behind mine, so I sit down without making any noise. As I start to take off my mask, amidst all the noise from the street or people talking in the hall, I only hear a footstep near the living room door. A girl walks by my class, I look at her, her eyes are locked on mine.

"NOW I GET IT. I STARTED WEARING THIS MASK BECAUSE OF YOU."

I remember starting to use the mask a few months ago on the train because I felt like someone was looking at my face. She must be the one who is following me !

The girl seems to hear my scream and run away. I jump over a chair in front of me and lunge forward. I follow the girl to the stairs, she goes down to the second floor, sliding quickly down the railing, I try to do the same but I end up unbalancing myself, and almost slipping when stepping on the floor. The chase continues, as we pass through the hall some people look scared at the two of us running. Even with all the stares, I don't slow down for a second, continuing to run with everything I got.

The girl runs very fast but slips and ends up falling at the corner of a corridor. Fallen, she leans on the corner of the hallway trying to get up.Meanwhile, I can she looks back scared at me.

"Hey are you okay? It was quite a fall....."

Already up, the girl takes a notebook out of her suitcase. She is so nervous that he ends up dropping the notebook on the floor. When she manages to pick it up again, she quickly flips through the pages.

"They didn't say anything about talking....."

They? Maybe her friends? Honestly, I don't care, at the moment I'm more focused on catching my breath. I'm so tired I end up sitting on the floor sweating. The race was difficult but I managed to corner her.

"Look, I'm sorry if I scared you.....I didn't mean to yell, please don't be scared."

Looking at her standing still, I can see that she's younger than I thought, she's probably a freshman here in high school. Her short red hair got all messed up from running, she tries to fix it, only making things worse.

Her face is full of doubt. Taking one last breath and fixing my tie, I prepare to speak.

"I don't want any fight or nothing like that. I going to be completely direct please do the same. Why are you following me ?"

She starts to think. Looking into her face I can almost see the empty space she finds in her mind right now. She thinks for a moment and looks at me with a slightly more serious look.

"May I ask you something?"

"If it will stop you from following me around, I can try to answer."

She thinks some more.

"From 0 to 10, what grade would you give to..."

The girl pauses for a very long time, as if she's thinking of a word.

"You said it to me to be direct, right?"

"That's right...."

"Then....."

She takes a deep breath.

"What raiting from 0 to 10 would you give to the devil?"

What ? WHAT ????????????????????????????

Devil ? What is this girl talking about?

I put my hands on my face, scrubbing my eyes.

"Look, if you're one of those stalkers who like roleplaying, know that I–"

I hear a door opening. I open my eyes and she's gone. I open the door in front of me, the room is completely empty. I look under the tables, even the teacher's desk.

"Hey girl, please come out from where you're hiding. Please be hiding somewhere....."

Maybe she jumped out of the window, she would have died but... I look down the window, relieved but also worried not to see anyone. I think there's only one conclusion.

Putting both hands together, I kneel looking at the ceiling.

"GOD HELP ME, AM I REALLY GOING CRAZY? MY GOD, NOW I'M STARTING TO SEE THINGS..."

I spend a few minutes thinking and looking around to see if there was really any way for her to escape. No, it would be impossible to run so far without seeing or hearing her leave. I heard the door opening, she should be here inside this room.

"Hallucinations of disappearing girls, and to make matters worse, talking about the devil. I can't even hallucinate I'm seeing a nice girl, the girl I hallucinate is crazy... and satanic too I think? I think I'm going to cry...."

Taking a few steps forward, I hear the door open again.

"Hey boy, don't say that, crying at the beginning of the week ruins everything else. You're young, knowing how to enjoy even the most boring things is important."

A deep male voice behind me resonates throughout my body. I freeze, my heart nearly stops. I slowly take a breath and decide what to do.

I turn around.