Why did I run away like some lovesick high school girl running away from a misunderstanding? I know I am bad at dealing with people, but I never knew I was this bad. Wendy is probably thinking how much of a coward I am. What woman would like a man like me? Would I even be considered one after running away like a loser?
I hear the doorbell ringing.
It's most likely Wendy. Although I don't want to see her, she deserves the chance to talk about this. Maybe it's all one big misunderstanding. I'd take anything just to alleviate this accumulating uncertainty.
I open the door, and the girl I like is there in front of me. A part of me is relieved that she doesn't think poorly of me after what just happened. She looks worried. I know that she has a tendency to be brash, as shown from the incident at the boba shop. I need to understand that side of her. I don't want to see that guilt-ridden face again.
"Eugene…can we talk?"
"Sure." I let her in. She takes off her shoes and sits down on the sofa. I sat down next to her.
The silence makes it hard for either of us to start a conversation. What am I supposed to ask in such a situation?
Wendy speaks up first. "About that conversation…" She pauses.
Maybe I should ask a question about it? "Do you hate Asian men?"
That same guilt-ridden face from before is plastered onto her face. "It's not just men, but I don't like Asians in general."
"Aren't you Asian?"
"I am. It's weird, isn't it? Hating my own kind? My own people had bullied me throughout my childhood. Boys asked me why I'm so different from the other girls. Girls asked me why I don't like playing with them. Adults keep asking why I am not trying to fit into any crowds. My life in the past was suffocating."
I relate to her experiences. I had experienced similar things. Not being able to fit in and then just isolating yourself from the rest completely is the life I am currently living. I know it all too well. It seems nice, but loneliness can be hard to get rid of.
"I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I was in church one day. I was mingling with the girls. We even went to one of their houses and told secrets. One girl said that she had a crush on my neighbor."
I think I know where this is going. My eyes are glued to her, hoping that my assumptions might be correct.
"My neighbor was quite popular with the girls. His personality was crap, though. He was always speaking to me in a rough tone and was annoying to deal with. I disliked his arrogance, so a part of me wanted to see that mug be thrown off guard. That was when I…revealed that secret."
She sighs and then looks down. Regret permeates out of her. It must be bothering her to this day. I'm a bit divisive over this revelation. On one hand, I sympathize with her. On the other hand, I want to ask why she was careless to reveal a secret. However, ultimately, I know it was just a folly of youth. Teenagers do stupid things.
"When I went to church later that week, my friend got mad at me. Apparently, my neighbor told her and she was furious. All the other girls started blaming me. Soon, they started isolating me. Going to church became hard for me. My so-called friends isolated me, ignoring me at every moment they had. I ate lunch by myself. It was literal hell."
Since I am also Korean and my family is primarily Christian, I know how Korean churches work. Bigger churches are full of people who would form cliques with people they are familiar with. Like social cliques, if one is not a part of any of them, it's pretty much an isolated path to loneliness. People will see you as weird for not being a part of any crowd. They will also think you're better than them and isolate you even more. Trying to fit into a clique would only be burdensome, as people will wonder why you're trying too hard to fit in or why you're forcing yourself in. Clique culture is definitely a dog eat dog world.
Wendy raises her head so that she is making eye contact with me once more. I could see some tears trickling down her face. "I think the worst part about the incident was finding out that some of those girls didn't really like me through a phone call from another girl from that church. She told me how two of them talked shit about me behind my back, saying how I am annoying and trying too hard to fit in. That's when I decided to despise Koreans…and Asians completely. I couldn't stand them anymore because of that."
What I got from this anecdote is that loose-lipped people are a lot more common than I assumed. While Wendy has some fault for letting the secret out, her neighbor is also wrong. The domino effect showed the friends' true colors. They are not true friends if they chose to isolate her. They hated her, so they took the opportunity to isolate her when the fire spread. It must have affected her a lot for her to be emotional about it currently.
Seeing Wendy crying breaks my heart. Seeing someone so assertive and energetic be this vulnerable is not a sight I want to see. I like seeing Wendy happy and vibrant. I wipe her tears with my fingers. Wendy purses her lips and widens her eyes. I think she's trying to stop her tears. I don't think that's how it works, but it's a funny sight to behold.
"Eugene, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Am I…weird for brooding over this until now?"
How do I answer this? Lie and pretend everything is fine? Tell her the truth? I've never been in such a predicament before. Before I get into a panic attack, let me think rationally. I don't think there's a specific correct answer. However, I do believe that she wants me to say that she isn't weird and not at fault. Saying it will only be a lie. If I tell her the truth, she'll get mad, but I know that she won't hold a grudge against me.
"Yes, it is weird that you keep brooding over it until now. What's the point? Those girls were never your friends from the start. Why mull over fakers? It's that girl's fault for trusting a secret to you and it's also your fault for being loose-lipped. Nobody is truly wrong in this scenario."
Worry comes to me as I prepare myself for Wendy's reaction. I gave her my honest reaction, so I am fully ready for the consequences. Wendy never got mad. Instead, she just lets out a sigh and then smiles.
"You're right. Why am I still brooding over this until now? It was no big deal. My disdain for Asians is nonsensical. I just say it because I don't want to get hurt like before."
She pats her cheeks and then looks at me straight in the eyes. "It's no big deal. I really like Asians." Her smile becomes wider. "That's right. This is the truth. I've been hiding away in this false pretense of guilt this entire time when it was no big deal at all."
The fact that Wendy is able to move on from the scars of her past so quickly is surprising. I envy her, honestly. I wish I was courageous and strong enough to move on from my own past.
My heart skips a beat when she starts leaning towards me. I feel something wrapping around me. Wendy presses her head against my chest. "Your heartbeat is increasing." My face is heating up. Why is she hugging me?
"Eugene…."
"Yes?" I immediately clam up when I heard my own voice crack.
"I've been running away from myself for a long time and you've made me realize how unnecessary it was. I had dated and had sex with men that weren't Asians because I wanted to run away from myself. I had hated Asians, which meant I had felt that way about myself. For a long time, I've been dismissing my own identity. Being with you, I've felt an unusual sense of joy that other men never gave me."
Her voice sounds relaxed and calm. I think she's really happy. I continue listening to her. "You gave me pear juice. We went to eat ramen and had boba together. They're all Asian cuisines. Normally, I don't suggest eating Asian food because my exes don't like it. However, you're different."
I feel her embrace tightening. "When you ran off a moment ago, my heart ached. I didn't want to hurt you. I was afraid you didn't want to listen to my story, but here you are, listening to me and answering me in your own honest way. I really like that about you."
"Wendy…"
Her embrace loosens and then she sits up straight. Our eyes make contact with each other. There's a glint in her eyes that radiates in unison with mine.
"Eugene, I am going to be honest with myself from now on."
"That's good."
"There's something I want to tell you."
What else does she want to say? Wendy takes a deep breath and then tells me, "I like you, Eugene."
Her words echo in my mind, but I can't help but to feel unwarranted doubt. I carefully ask, "Platonically?"
"Romantically."
That word echoes in my mind.