In the New World, it wasn't strange for fights between equals to last for hours or even days. The brave warriors of the sea were used to exchange lethal attacks with all their might in a dance where a single slip could spell doom for them, so it was only logical the concept of bathroom breaks was non-existent.
Urinary bladder training was essential for a warrior worth their salt as their opponents would never miss the chance of stabbing anyone with this their pants down in the back. That was why, in the pirate world, urinating was the same as dying.
Why was that relevant now?
Because a group of brats had been hiding behind some boxes for nearly two hours and the youngest one couldn't hold it anymore.
"Page, if I end up smelling like piss after this, I'll be your end." Randy whispered, not wanting to alert the guards.
"Hey, don't bully my Pay-Pay." Ulti threatened him as she moved away from her little brother. "He already knows the consequences of staining my new dress."
The judgmental eyes of our twelve years old protagonist fell upon the shaking figure of the youngest sibling, daring him to ruin this stealth mission because he drank too much water during breakfast.
"Just pee in a bottle before someone hears your whimpers."
"Gross! Pay-Pay, don't do that."
How did it even come to this in the first place?
* ---Start of the flashback---*
Randy stared in disappointment at the eight years old kid whose feeble legs failed him after thirty mere minutes of squatting. The ragged breath and sweaty body were proof enough that letting Page-One join his morning training routine had been mistake as the kid failed to complete the warm up. The only reason why Randy didn't kick him out from here was because he wasn't cruel enough to force Page to deal with Ulti by himself.
That was why the older boy subtly gestured him to keep going when Ulti entered the room. The poor bastard gave his all for the sake avoiding his sister for at least another five minutes.
"Pay-Pay, Randy, guess what the cutest girl in all Onigashima learnt today." Ulti's smile was easy to notice despite the mask covering the lower part of the girl's face.
The violent thug quipped in a cutesy manner as she kept fishing for compliments from the boys. It was hard to not admire all the effort that the girl put in acting cute even before the few people who knew that she was full of shit.
"Dunno." Randy shrugged." I haven't spoken with Maria in weeks."
"Do you have a death wish?" Ulti tone became cold at the mention of her supposed older rival when it came to be a beautiful and cute woman.
He did, but this probably wasn't the right time to point that out. It wasn't like Ulti would try to kill him anyways; the girl would only attempt to beat him for a while until she got tired.
"Sorry, sorry. You're the cutest." Randy extended an olive branch before offering a sacrifice. "Isn't that right, Page?"
"Pay-Pay is so nice." She cooed and started to basically strangle her younger brother. "Give your poor big sis a hug."
The hurt look that Page-One sent his way was almost enough to make him feel bad. The key word was almost; Randy found his suffering hilarious.
It took Ulti about thirty minutes to remember that she had some interesting news. Apparently, there were some rumors going around Onigashima about the recent arrival of an important cargo with some weird looking vegetables that supposedly made Kaido himself smile when saw them.
"I don't really see why people care about those damn Satan Fruits; that guy Roger didn't have one and he still kicked Kaido's ass."
Both siblings gave Randy an incredulous look in unison when he started to casually count with his fingers the number of people who kicked the scaled bastard's ass without eating any magical vegetable.
"Devil fruits." Page One corrected. "Adults say that some of them can grant you enough power to destroy the world."
One could say the very same thing about training, the only difference being that one of them didn't involve as much farming...or maybe it did if one considered beating the shit out random mooks everyday a form of farming.
"Not only that, but they are also really hard to find, which is why we need to get our hands on them before someone else eat them." Ulti added. "Devil Fruits don't grow on trees."
"…Do you want to backtrack on that one, Ulti?"
"…Go to hell!"
While he personally didn't care about those vegetables, the siblings insisted in stealing them and it wasn't like Randy had anything to do.
*---End of the flashback---*
He was wrong, there were a lot of better things that he could be doing than hiding for hours with a kid about to piss himself.
Finally, after hours of waiting, only two weak looking goons remained guarding the cargo, making this the perfect moment to strike.
Logically speaking, sneaking past the goons would be the safest option.
"Gentlemen, it's my pleasure to announce that you are about to fight against the one and only Ran D. Savage." But nobody ever called Randy a logical kid while they were sober. "My recommendation: choose a god and pray."
The entrance, while a bit lacking in flavor, it managed to leave the goons speechless, which was the whole point of doing one. Any half decent pro-wrestler knew the importance of putting a show since it was their sacred duty to create hype for the subsequent fight. While any brute could defeat someone with a lucky punch, only a proper warrior could look cool while doing so.
"Aren't you the weird kid they told us to ign-"
Sadly, Randy had yet to teach the siblings proper wrestling etiquette. The assholes hit his opponents in the back of their heads with a bat while they were distracted before he could have his fun with them. That kind of foul play should be only allowed for the sake of comedy before an actual fight.
"That was easy." Ulti hummed as she hit the unconscious goon with the bat again. "And very fun. We should make this a weekly thing."
"Can I use the bathroom now?"
Savage took a moment to inwardly curse any deity hearing him, because someone deserved to be blamed for forcing him to deal with these morons. While it could be argued that these were simply the consequences of his own actions, self-reflection and forethought had never been the kid's strong point, which is probably why the moment he saw that one the fruits resting inside the golden treasure looked like a white peach, he took a decision.
"I call dibs on that one."
Since there wasn't a person alive who would dare to go against the sacred tradition of dibs, Randy slowly stretched his arm toward prized super vegetable as the siblings stared at him with curiosity.
Some would have called it destiny; others, who were a bit more knowledgeable about Devil Fruits, would have assured that this was the will of the fruit choosing it next user; but for Randy a peach as white as milk was simply the perfect food to fill his stomach after a wasting so many hours hiding. He didn't think twice before devouring the peach in a single bite, something that he instantly regretted. It tasted horrible; it was as if his he had used his tongue to clean a dirty toilet after a taco party.
And then something happened, he changed, but felt the same. It was utterly impossible to explain what having a devil fruit felt like to those who hadn't eaten one for there was no words in any tongue that could make justice to this event.
"Did it taste that bad?" Page One asked, looking at Randy with some trepidation as he and Ulti grabbed the two fruits left in the chest.
"Worse than bad." Mincing words was for pansies. "Nyaanyanyanya, be brave, for only those who dar-AAAAAaaaaaaahhhh."
Randy immediately turned his head back, only to see Ulti clutching his new white tail, which only now he noticed, with sparkling pink eyes. It was very painful.
"Why?"
"It's so cute." She happily replied and then frowned. "That's not fair; I'm supposed to be cute one."
Whatever unholy combination of cursed words that the older kid was planning to utter was interrupted by the sudden apparition of the very tall figure looming over their heads.
"What.have.you.done?"
The wrath contained in King's words was palpable in their ears as the six meters tall man covered from head to toe in black leather looked at them, the flames at his back growing bigger and hotter by the second.
There were a lot of excuses they could offer to the Vice-captain of the Beast Pirates, but most of them would end with them feeling a horrible amount of pain.
Randy chose to tell the truth.
"Having lunch." His furious glare intensified at the kid shrugging. "I'm not sharing."
~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~
Everything hurt.
King certainly didn't waste his time before beating the shit out of the kids until he got bored of how dull it became. The mere act of filling his lungs with oxygen hurt more than what Randy could ever have imagined, but it at least served as a distraction so he wouldn't think about the unbearable pain caused by his dislocated arms. The kid promised himself that if he survived this, he would totally learn to dislocate people's bones in the middle of a combat; the audience would love it.
It was hard to see due to his face being so utterly swollen, but managed to catch a glance of both Page One and Ulti lying unconscious beside him. The fact that the pervert sadistic asshole didn't maim nor kill any of them probably meant he was waiting for Kaido to decide their fate, which was a good thing; getting killed by the strongest creature in the world was much cooler than getting beheaded by a flying flaming pervert.
"Nyaanyanyanyanya." Clacking like a madman may have caused his broken body to squirm in pain, but he really needed it.
Facing a visibly irritated Kaido while anxious was a terrible idea.
"Explain what happened, NOW."
The command rang like a powerful thunder, squashing any semblance of opposition in its way. The best word to describe this pressure would be HEAVY; so much in fact that Randy had to bite his tongue just to not fall face first onto the floor.
That scaled bastard could be a terrible jackass when he was sober. The kid would rather deal with drunk Kaido...unless he was in his flirty mood. Flirty drunk Kaido was the scariest Kaido, no contest.
"I wanted the fruits so I stole them." Randy spoke.
Why would he be ashamed of his actions? He did it because he wanted to.
"The three of them had eaten the fruits before I arrived."
King's words made the captain focus his attention on the unconscious siblings, causing their bodies began to spasm violently under the pressure of the dragon.
They were weak, too weak for this.
...Right! Why was the asshole ignoring him? Randy was the strongest so he deserved to receive more attention than some mere brats. Both inside and outside the ring, the only person that mattered was himself.
"I'm the strongest so I ate until I was full and threw the leftovers to my underlings!" He roared proudly.
A wrestler never dodged nor stepped back, especially a soon to be champion like Randy.
HIS PRESENCE WOULDN'T BE DISMISSED.
Yet this was not enough to impress anyone. Kaido simply stared at his half-transformed form with something akin to pity before doing the unimaginable. He patted the kid's head.
"You did everything right." He stated. "But you are too weak to get away with it."
Randy blinked, not knowing what to be of what just happened. He didn't even saw Kaido's palm approaching his face. In a single instant, everything became dark.
"Throw him into the cave." The king of beasts said to his second in command. "If he can survive ten days without food and water, he is free to go."
"What about the other two?"
"Forget about them." He scoffed. "They are just underlings."
~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~
Two days later….
Inside a cold and damp cave, a hungry young wrestler waited for something interested to happen. His new handcuffs, which were connected to the wall by a thick metal chain, felt heavy on his lacerated arms filled with cuts and bruises as he tried to get comfortable in comfiest dark corner available, which wasn't that great, but it was better than nothing.
Getting thrown into a dark cave without food or water for ten entire days was way duller than Randy expected. He was so bored out his mind that counting rocks to pass the time became a thing, but after reaching -5, which was a weird number to get, he got bored once again.
It would have been nice if he could get some good sleep, but sadly there were two idiots making ruckus outside this nice and quiet cave. Fucking assholes, didn't they know that silence was a virtue? How was he supposed to rest?
Suddenly, the louder of the two assholes came to his senses and became quiet. Randy would have smiled if it wasn't for a little tiny detail, the wall to his left got destroyed by a powerful attack that sent a small boulder straight to his face. In normal circumstances, a rock or two hitting his face wouldn't be enough to hurt him, but he had been feeling weak since he got these weird cuffs.
"Fuck, I'll feel that tomorrow...or in the next hour."
"Worry not, for I have heard your pleas for help and came to put an end to this."
…Looking on the bright side, at least he wouldn't be bored anymore. Furious and exasperated? Maybe, but not bored.
Randy raised his head to see the intruder in all their loud glory, a really tall white-haired girl with big colorful horns like Kaido's and a face that didn't hide her low IQ.
"If I can't help you, then I don't deserve my name, KOZUKI ODEN!"
There was only a single thing the kid could say in a situation like this.
"Four out of ten, I've seen better."
The excessive amount of dust ruined the visibility necessary for a proper entrance and she didn't even bother to do any gesture that would have helped to define her persona from the get go. Freaking amateurs.
When compared to enduring an insatiable hunger and horrendous thirst for ten days in cold cave, dealing with rookies who couldn't make a proper entrance to save their lives seemed like a cruel and painful punishment. King killing him in cold blood would have been a more merciful than being forced to witness this mediocrity.
"What?!" The unbiased and fair criticism threw the horny girl off balance, exposing her utter lack of experience in the art of showmanship. Adapt and improvise were necessary skills to have in order to stay in character even when something unexpected happened. "That cannot be; Oden did the same thing and he was a man among men."
"Then your standards for men must be pretty low." Randy snarked, causing her to flinch. "If you want to leave a proper impression on the audience, then lower your hips without bending your knees too much while you declare that their suffering is over. Also, maybe you should try to stretch your free arm forward and raise your kanabo slightly above your shoulders."
Credits where they were due, she didn't waste time and immediately proceeded to correct her posture. The ease with which she struck this new pose said a lot about her talent for physical activities and natural charisma.
"I, Kozuki Oden, shall not let another kid suffer under Kaido's tyranny." The unwavering conviction in her voice left no room for further arguments; she wouldn't tolerate this evil for any longer. "You're safe now."
While the lack of a distinctive mask hurt the impact of her declaration, the overall performance deserved an applause. One that Randy couldn't offer due to how weak his arms felt because of the seastone shackles.
"Much better." He nodded in approval. "Now get out of here and let me suffer in silence."
Unfortunately, the girl seemed to lack basic manners because even after deliberately ignoring her for the past two hours she acted like a pest. The ruckus caused by her trying to break the chains of the shackles with her weapon was getting in Randy's nerves.
"Would you stop that? Bitch, you are too noisy."
"I'm a man among men; I can't give up."
Randy stared at her breasts for a few seconds. She didn't look that much older than him, but those were already plumper than most peaches the kid had seen.
"Stop that, sonofabitch." A wrestler should always be open minded when it came to kayfabe.
Despite the insults and curses, Oden kept putting his all in every single one of his attacks. The metal bindings holding Randy's freedom clanked every time the kanabo impacted against them to no avail; they would not be destroyed by this measly amount of might.
The boy who was only a few years older than him clutched on his weapon until his hands started to bleed; his screams of rage thundered across the cave without a care for things such as his vocal cords or being discovered by any adult.
It was… distasteful to watch.
"So... you must be the son that Kaido is always complaining about." Randy idly commented. "You do look horny enough."
Fortunately, that stopped him in his tracks.
"Kaido may be my father, but I assure you that I'm still getting you out of here." He replied in a hoarse voice.
"Yamato." That was his birth name, a word that could be considered taboo when Kaido was in a particular bad mood. "You're weak."
That made him stop again.
"No, I'm Oden." Yamato corrected. "Did you forget it?"
Randy has only known this guy for two hours and he was already convinced that the moron would end up killing him...and not in a good way.
It was time to take out the big guns.
"You're almost as ugly as Kaido."
"Hey! Take that back." He frowned. "Nobody is as much of an ugly bastard as father."
"Make me!"
"I know you are only saying these things because you are scared. Do not fear, I shall not beat up a blind injured stupid kid." Yamato smiled reassuringly at him.
Randy took some offense, only two of those words were applicable to him.
"I'm not blind nor a kid, my name is Sa-"
"RANDY!!!"
Before Randy could remind everyone that his actual name was Savage, a powerful and unforgiving human missile clashed against his guts at unimaginable speeds. Luckily, his stomach was already empty so he didn't end up throwing up.
"Jerk! Who are you calling an underling?" The little blue menace known as Ulti shook the older kid by the shoulders before headbutting him again. "I'm the one who owns your ass, remember that."
This was surprisingly enough to make Randy dizzy, which was an impressive feat for her. It was a shame that he couldn't offer her a congratulatory elbow drop as it was tradition between wrestlers...fucking seastone shackles, getting in the way of his vengeance.
How the hell did they manage to get in here when… there was a new hole in the wall.
"Big sis, you are hurting him." Page One's pansies cries earnt a snort from the older sibling.
"He's Randy." That wasn't his name. "This is nothing for h- Oh fuck! His head is bleeding."
Ulti's panicky gaze flickered between Randy's wretched state and the person in the cave whose existence only now became relevant as a scapegoat.
"Bitch, did you dare to hurt our big bro?"
"You are the one who just headbutted him." Yamato hummed with unconcealed amusement. "Oh, I'm also a man among men."
Using logic in an argument against Ulti? Poor sod.
"Are you calling me a liar? I will show you."
"Sister, stay focus." Page One begged as he did his best to hold her sister back by force.
Between the shackles, the noise, the violence, the amateurs who knew nothing about making a good spectacle and trash-talking, how was anyone supposed to relax?
This idiocy didn't seem like it would be stopping anytime soon. The three morons surrounding Randy continued with their attempts to free the boy from the shackles disregarding his own opinion on the matter. The whole debacle was likely a complete waste of time because even if they were to find a method to get him out from here, Kaido would probably punish the trio by doing something worse than putting them in a lame cave.
Dealing with the annoying morons was becoming a torture.
"Get out of here and let me sleep."
At that point the three of them shared a look that conveyed their feelings on the matter. Next thing Randy knew was that Page One put his hat in his mouth so he couldn't speak anymore.
Fucking assholes, did they have a death wish? They better not, that was his thing.
"This is going nowhere." Page One sighed in defeat.
"You should be comforting your cute sister instead of being annoying." Almost as annoying like she usually was. "Queen is still at Punk Hazard, let's steal some tools from his room."
"Sister, his laboratory is a death trap. This was useless."
It was truly a waste of time.
Life was an individual sport, so spending any effort in helping someone else was the pinnacle of idiocy when there were better things they could be doing.
"It served a purpose." The oldest person in the cave spoke as they stood up with their selected weapon on hand. "It made my blood boil."
A pretty familiar pressure made itself present in the surroundings, forcing the siblings to step back as Yamato raised his kanabo as high as his arms, that were flickering black, allowed. A trail of blood could be seen dripping from his hands as he clutched the weapon's handle with an unwavering conviction that announced that nothing would withstand this next attack.
"Oden wouldn't be oden if it weren't boiled." The white-haired teenager stated as if it was something obvious. "And I wouldn't remain Oden if I watch kids giving their all without doing the very same thing."
Oh, so this was Yamato testing himself.
Compared to the captain's presence, the aura around Yamato may as well be a weak breeze from the weakest sea. And while Randy could respect that the guy was doing all of this because his pride demanded it, he would not bow to this feeble will.
Randy's black eyes meet Yamato's yellow orbs.
As the kanabo made contact with the metal bindings holding his freedom, so did the two unseen forces that refused to step back. Soon the weakest between the four shattered.
The chains were broken.
It was hard for black haired kid to understand why everyone were celebrating, so he ignored them in favor of focusing his attention on the shackles in his wrists. They looked awesome on him.
"That was so cool! I truly acted like a samurai just now." Yamato's face was covered with tears of joy...and snot, a lot of snot.
The only reason Randy didn't rain in his parade was because he was tired...and because he was busy strangling Page One for putting a damn hat in his mouth. Of course, that earnt him a painful headbutt from Ulti, but it was totally worth it.
"Let's become sworn brothers." Yamato confidently said after getting a hold of himself. "Samurais always do that after a successful adventure."
The three younger kids shared a look and nodded in unison.
"We...don't really know you that well."
"You're a lying weirdo."
"And a super lame amateur."
Randy snickered at the sight of a panicking Yamato trying and failing to convince the group that it was the traditional thing to do in these cases. Serve him right for being an annoying moron.
And for some reason, the sound his own laughter rumbled across the cave.
They were all annoying morons.