A black space. An empty vase
2nd memory
"Are you kidding me???!"
She's sorry.
"Apologizing just won't cut it. You've broken something extremely precious to your mother and now I have to fix it."
She wants to say something.
"Are you going to say anything??"
She really does.
"Nothing at all?!"
But the words just won't come out. She opens her mouth and then closes it. The words that she never planned to say come out anyway. And because of that
She is hit.
Even after all that she still can't say sorry.
And he found that quite interesting.
Black fades to gray and to white and then the wrecked shoji is in view. Blurry but still in view. I simply lay there. My neck is aching. The pain sharp and Excruciating. I wondered how the pain was still that bad. Im sure it's been hours since I fainted. My eyes shift to the arm that my head was resting on. Still bruised. the color had turned a dark purple and gray green on my pale skin.
It looked ugly. It was ugly. I stared at the bruise. Disgusted but to tired to look away. I close my eyes and breath slowly. It was quiet. Father in law must've left. I wonder if he was satisfied with beating me. If his anger had resided and his spirits lifted. I hope so.
My contribution to his release shouldn't go to waste. So I hoped that he was in high spirits. But I knew better. He was someone who could be very easily fueled. Someone who's anger rose up quickly. He would be back to that state in a few hours if he wasn't there now. I sighed, my body buzzed softly. My eyes looking at the darkness of my eyelids.
I always wondered if we actually ever went to sleep. Or if our mind shut off. It didn't make sense. If you close your eyes but can still see darkness. If you still focus on the darkness then we really have the same mechanism as most animals. Like snakes, for example. The animal who's eyes never really close. And with that I opened my eyes.
The scene before me broadened as the blurred view began to clear. Black hair sprawled everywhere. It was a mess, as usual. The broken shoji laid in front of me. Splinters of wood were sticking out from the wreck. I flicked my eyes forward. I could see the residue of his boot prints. No one was here. As expected, of-course. But something felt wrong.
Or at least I thought. Usually, if father comes. Then my brothers follow. Then comes my aunt. And others with titles. Maybe it was just me projecting that the usual routine that I follow was simply thrown to the side, maybe. It didn't matter. Whatever happened would happen. Whatever won't. Won't.
My eyes gaze over the seen once more and Land on glass. On shattered glass. The hairpiece that the maid chose for me was broken. Shattered. The shards everywhere. The beautiful piece was destroyed. I stared at the ruined pin. And felt an uncomfortable feeling creep up on me. I laid their for a while. With that uncomfortable feeling.
Wondering why I felt that way. Some Time must've passed because I could hear cicadas. I frowned. Pulling myself up I collapse before even trying to stand. Pain shot through my arm up to my neck. I groaned and let myself fall back on the floor. my face turned towards the ceiling now.
My sight was blotchy and hot pain was still throbbing. Now on the side of my head. I sit with that pain for a while, until it fades. I look. At the ceiling, it was plain. Suddenly a chuckle escapes my mouth. My breathe rasps. I laughed, laughed at my own stupidity! I was prosaic.
Vapid even And I don't know how to fix it. I truly do hate it but it isn't my problem is it? I'm not complaining about it am I? I just was. I wasn't l. apocryphal? Wrong. I'm always wrong. A false leader. Someone who doesn't live up to the fables. The fables told to her subjects. Her oh so loyal subjects.
I glare at the ceiling imagining the whole thing collapsing in on me. Fall, fall, fall, I will it to drop on me. fall, fall, fall, urging it with my thoughts, fall, fall, fall, fail. It doesn't move so I don't, it doesn't make a sound so I don't. It doesn't need a companion, another ceiling maybe? So I don't. I don't need another human to be with me. I'll just copy inanimate objects. Like I always do. That seems to work. Most of the time.
Footsteps once again. Average ones. I shift my gaze to the hallway beyond the broken shoji. A maid steps over the mess into my chambers.
"Your majesty, we must dress you for the meeting with lord fang."
I turn my head towards the maid. Trying to remember who fang is again. And why I was supposed to meet him. The name doesn't end up jogging a memory and I end up having to ask her.
"What?"
The maid sighs, seeming to be exasperated.
"Lord fang requested an audience."
"Who accepted his request?"
I wonder out loud.
"You, your majesty."
She says her voice, hardening.
I didn't. I don't know a lord named fang. So then my father or the elders accepted. Maybe even my brother.
I decided not to indulge myself further. It didn't matter anyway. Turning back to the ceiling I blink. Once. Twice.
Three times. I blinked three times and now a man bows on his knee in front of me. I am on a throne. Silk robes comforting my body. Lean black hair pulled back in an extravagant design. How could I see myself? The mirror aimed at me all too cleverly. I slide my hand up against my cheek. Readjusting my arm to be more comfortable while my palm holds my chin up.
It was holding my chin up..? What? I sigh and glance over at the man holding his head down. Everything seemed so slow. They had introduced his presence. And then. That was it, no one bothered to inform me of who he was, why he was important, if he was a soon to be foe or a long time ally. I frowned. Before my thoughts could go any further he spoke up.
"Your majesty, permission to speak?"
"Permission."
I respond flatly.
"Thank you, your majesty."
He moves anxiously, but he doesn't look up.
"If I could ask you to-."
He voice faded out as I stared at my reflection. My dull lugubrious appearance glared right back at me. I watched, watched as I smiled. A wide grin. The way I was looking at myself people would think I was solipsistic. I was. Not in a good way. It was just, that no one bothered to step into my world so no one else really has a prominent place in my mind.
My reflection frowned and I could hear lord fangs voice again. I averted my gaze and looked back at him. He was still looking down. Unaware of my uninterest. That bothered me for some reason. Why was he still looking down?
"Lord fang?"
I ask. My voice modulated and monotonous.
"Yes,your majesty?!"
"Look up."
A bit taken aback by this he slowly gazes up at me. His face is recognizable. He is someone I know. I was so sure I didn't know a "fang". then how do I know this face? Maybe I didn't know him? Maybe I have seen his face somewhere. I observed him. The man was nervous. His anxious gesture showed as his eyes darted to the guards lining the door and the maids lined up next to me. Reminding me of something. Someone.
Oh. I understand now. I don't know a lord fang. But I do know this boy.
"Get out."
The room stirs.
"Everyone get out."
The maids and the guards begin to talk amongst themselves and hastily file out of the throne room.
"Except for you."
I say before he can make a quick escape. Pointing at "lord fang" he stops moving as the doors close. Silence fills the room. As he looks at me. Expecting something. So I speak. My throat dry I gulp and open my mouth.
"You know. I was confused as to how I knew a lord fang."
"You were..?"
He says, grinning brightly like a little boy.
"I see you like to travel."
He chuckles under his breath.
"You don't remember my name but remember my dislikes?"
"You only dreamed of having fang as a surname. And the mind is complicated..Tao."
He holds his hands behind his back and smiles.
"It's amazing to see you on the throne,,"
"Is it?"
I ask solemnly. He must've been offended because He tries again.
"So..you became an empress."
"Is that what I am?"
"Sa rang."
He says my name so sternly I forget how cowardly he was when he was a kid.
"Tao lim- no Tao fang what did you want to tell me?"
I knew that he wouldn't bother to come see me simply because he missed me. He either needed something or had something. We spend a moment just staring at each other. Remembering our time as children. Or at least he was. my mind was blank. Empty. He suddenly breaks the silence.
"The funding for disasters is getting worse."
My forehead creased.
"..? Why? we have plenty of money."
"That's not the problem..the elders suspect that there is a rat. Someone who is embezzling money. Not for themselves but for the enemy."
"Oh."
Is all I can really say. How did I not know that? No, the Elders must've not thought of informing their own empress to help them. Or even letting them know they suspect that the enemy had infiltrated our trusted advisors.. Advisors were the others besides the empress that looked over funds for the country.
"Did you..not know?"
"No I did not. Why would you tell me if you suspect I did..?"
He hesitates. Hesitating means he doesn't know if he wants to tell me. That he doesn't know if it's the best option to tell me. There were other options. Such as lying. I felt dizzy as another uncomfortable feeling rose in my stomach, a feeling I hadn't felt in a while. Upset. He was considering lying to me.
"Spit it out Tao Li- Tao fang."
"Mae gun told me that you had gotten brazen and that the Elders didn't trust you anymore."
"Mae gun?"
My voice sounded shrill and strained as I tried to remember who Mae gun was.
"Mae gun.…Min Ho's best friend?.…do..-do you really not remember anything?"
"Ah, Mae gun.….right.."
The man who watches me get beaten every 3 months.
"He said that?"
"Yes..yes he did, he's very worried about you."
"Bullshit."
"Excuse me?"
Has Tao gotten stupider over time? Or was Mae gun secretly a great actor?
"What did he say?"
"Hm?"
"What did he say to you?"
"Uh..'that woman is ridiculous, she acts as if she doesn't deserve what she's getting, it's upsetting to see her like that.'.."
Right. Of course he wasn't a great actor. Tao li- fang. was just stupid, I breath through my nose and shift in my seat. My eyes glance naturally at the mirror.
I gaze at my reflection and then something in me snaps.
"..get out."
"What..?"
"Leave now Tao."
I warn. He jumps back at my tone And eyes me warily.
"Ok, your majesty.."
People have a way of making you feel bad. Making you feel like you need to fix something. Like you just ruined something. And that there will be a problem next time we come in contact. Or maybe /it's me./ it's you. Maybe you're so confident that you have nothing to apologize for until you see what you've done. And regret it. So maybe it is my fault. Then what should I do? I should apologize. Right? Say sorry. Then all is fixed…right..? I open my mouth and.
"Tao."
He glances back over at me, his face lighting up.
I need to say sorry.
He gazes at me, expecting something.
I should say sorry.
"Why are you here anyway?"
But I can't.
He looks momentarily confused. I raise my hand up once again.
"I have not heard of anyones arrival."
He looks at me. An odd expression on his face. but then he looks back down, his mood changing. A fleeting expression on his face. But I caught it. Disappointment.
"Ah.. I see your majesty, the union has gathered for the celebration."
Celebration. Celebration? I try to open my mouth to ask but.
He looks at me wistfully and then bows.
"I will take my leave now."
He leaves without looking back. Making me feel bad. The door closes behind him. The maids do not come in at his departure. And I'm left alone. As always. I'm always the one to blame. I've always done something wrong. I've always hurt someone without thinking of their feelings, 'You're victimizing yourself again Sa rang.'
A voice enters my mind, it's tone jeering at me.
'It was your fault. Why can't you just say two words. Two simple words Sa rang. What was that anyway? You tell him to leave but then ask him whys he here?? Ridiculous.'
Shut up. I cradle my head in my hands and stumble off my throne. Tripping over my robes I desperately try to get out of the stuffy clothing. It was suffocating the heat. I lurch toward the door. Hopelessly trying to get out. My breath began to become heavier, my sight was failing me. I trip and barely catch myself. Clutching my robes I look up. The mirror. It faces me.
It's appearance. ugly. But,,…Was…was I smiling? stagger over to the mirror. The mirror I had been looking at the entire time I was talking to Tao. I hadn't been smiling, so I tried to reassure myself. That It had been smiling back at me. Like that makes things any better. Maybe Mae gun really was right. I was going crazy.
Stumbling, I grasp the mirror and stare at it. My reflection looked haggard. I didn't recognize myself. I don't know this face. I know most faces. I know a lot of faces. I don't forget. I won't forget. I can't forget. I know everyones face. Everyone's face but my own. I can't forget faces. But I forgot my own. My reflection had looked haggard And then it didn't. It looked lovely. And then it didn't. Like a lily, My reflection was rippling. As if the mirror was water.
Rippling..? Unconsciously I slowly raise my hand up. Pulling it back. And strike down hard.
A noise that could only be described as mind rattling rings throughout the room. A type of sound that wouldn't occur when smashing a mirror. My hand was still balled in a fist as I pulled my hand back. A sharp pain caused me to stop moving. Shards of glass fall from my bloodied hand.
The mirror was in ruins. But I felt better, maybe being violent really does help your mood.
Raising my hand to the ceiling I eyed the damage and then sighed. I peered back at the mirror. It was completely shattered. Just like that time. The only difference being that it wasn't fine porcelain. Turning around I take out all the pins and hair pieces and let them fall to the ground. I open the door and slam it behind me.