---
As amusing as the idea of Bondage Therapy was, I am not sure I'm doing it right. Then again, I doubt wrapping myself in toilet paper is really efficient in conveying the same uncomfortable sensation of threat.
But I had to try this.
I really wanted to get over this issue.
I went to the Nightmare Realm in case I did start panicking and formed chains around my limbs. As I thought, it was uncomfortable but at least I wasn't freaking out. Being physically bound felt a little different from being magically bound and these were my own chains, I could get free whenever I wanted.
I can do this. It's not so bad.
My personal blue chains were a good place to start. I had full control and could release myself at ANY time I wished. I suppose once I was comfortable enough with this I could try asking one of my friends to help me with this...maybe. Sort of? I hope it didn't come to that because the idea was actually really embarrassing.
I ended up freaking out and blasting the area around me in flames. Shit. This wasn't working.
---
"Hey Bill. Can I talk to you?"
I looked up from my experiment to see Kryptos hovering in the doorway of a newly built room reinforced to keep in all energy outbursts in case of accidents. I was tinkering with some runes and seeing if I could mix different types of spell casting together. Can I mix and match runes from different magic schools? Since I was expelled from school I was forced to self-teach myself from now on. Not a problem, I've done that all my life. I put down my carving tools and turn to give him my attention. "What's up Kryptos?"
He pressed his mouth shut with a look of consideration before opening it to speak. "Bill. You know I love you right?"
"Yeah." I grinned. It made me feel so giddy inside when he says it. I went up and hugged him. "I wuv you too~"
He was frowning though. I tilted in confusion. "What's wrong?"
"Bill. I love you. Like, not as friends." He said slowly as if he thinks I wasn't listening.
"Well yeah? You're like my cute younger sibling~" I teased as I poke his chin. He sighed. "I don't mean as family either."
I pouted. Not? Then...what does he mean?
Kryptos put his hands on my sides and held me away so he could look me in the eye. "I love you Bill." He said firmly, watching me closely, a...pleading, searching expression on his face.
"I...I don't understand? I love you too?" I frowned, confused. His face fell and he looked frustrated.
"Dammit Bill you can't POSSIBLY be this stupid!"
"ExCUSE me?!" I cried, mildly offended.
"I love you! Not like a friend! Not like a family member! I love YOU!" He said almost desperately. When I continued to look confused he pulled away, looking devastated, and backed up. "Kryptos?" I ask softly.
"You...you REALLY don't get it do you? Yo-you can't…" his breath hitched. I'm immediately reaching for him. He's gonna cry. I made him cry! Why? A look of realization came across his face and his expression turned strained.
"What's going on Kryptos? What...what did I say? What did I do wrong?!" I asked frantically as he started sobbing.
"I should have realized…" he muttered to himself in between his sobs. "I should have…" he took my hand, looks at me "The wording…" I tried to wipe his tears but they just wouldn't stop. "I'm your FRIEND. From now until the end of time…" he whispered.
"Do you…" a dread filled me. Does he not want the Deal anymore? But...he told me he loves me. Was he lying? "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I asked instead. If I asked if he didn't want to be my friend anymore and he said yes, I didn't think I could handle it.
Kryptos started laughing even as he sobbed. "You did nothing wrong. This isn't...well...it's not entirely your fault…" he wiped at his plane "...I doubt you even realized this...you probably never even thought about this…" he took a deep breath and smiled miserably. "And of course I didn't care back then, we JUST met after all, so it's not like it occurred to me…"
I materialized a handkerchief and tried to clean his face off. "What is this about, Kryptos?"
He laughed almost hysterically. "I FRIENDZONED myself for pretty much all eternity...or at least until the end of tim-" he froze. "Hey Bill…" he asked calmly. Much too calmly to be normal.
"Y-yeah?" I asked hesitantly.
"What does it mean, until the end of time?" He asked faintly.
I wasn't entirely sure where this was coming from. "I guess...until Time Baby dies or something? I mean, he'll reform himself after 1000 years, same for me if I ever get killed…"
"Would that break our Deal? If Time Baby dies?" He asked.
Oh. Was he worried about losing his immortality if Time Baby kicks the bucket? "Well, sorta. The Deal would be 'on hold' for the duration it'll take for Time Baby to reform, it's not broken though, and I'm still gonna keep you guys from aging." I informed him. "So you don't have to worry about dying and stuff." I rubbed at the bricks under my eye. "Though by this point I've enhanced your cells enough that I think you could survive 1000 years easy even without my power."
"Then can I break my Deal-"
Blind panic filled me. "NO!"
Kryptos flinched back at my shout. "I wasn't saying I would!" He assured me. I was pulsing and my bricks had turned pure white. He took my hand and held me close. "I'm not gonna break my Deal. I'm not gonna leave you." he said carefully. I calmed as he pet my hat. I shivered at the nice feeling while my bricks faded back into yellow.
"Ok, guess that method's not gonna work…" he muttered. He sighed. "And you don't even understand do you? You can't. You literally can't understand what I'm trying to say…" he leaned back and looked me in the eye. I'm still confused about this entire conversation so far. He seemed to realize that too and sighed again, rubbing the rest of his tears away. "And I bet, even if you DO realize what I'm talking about, you're just going to short circuit again and forget. Our Deal literally won't let you acknowledge it..." He sighed.
"Right. Well...plan B it is…" he was still speaking more to himself than to me. "If Time Baby dies…" he muttered to himself as he went down the hallway. I blinked, confused about what just happened.
He turned quickly to address me. "Look. It's not like I'm gonna try and make you say yes. I'm not gonna make a new Deal that'll force you to accept my feelings. Even if you say no...I'm...I'm okay with that...but I want to be able to ASK you. Ok? I know you probably don't, CAN'T, understand what I'm trying to ask. And that's not fair to either of us." He clenched his fist. "I just want the chance to ask you and get a real answer. So...just wait for me ok? I'm gonna figure something out." Then he was gone and I floated there, lost as to what was happening.
It felt important. But for the life of me I just couldn't figure it out. I tried asking Ax but he stared at me quietly for a long time before saying -I'll explain it when you're older…-
"But I'm already 650 billion years old!!!" I whine as I roll back and forth on his arm.
-Maybe when you turn 1 trillion- he says dryly before curling around his tail and going back to sleep. I pout and spent a few weeks poking him just to be a pest before getting bored and leaving.
----
The ice age was sweeping the Earth and furry mammals had completely taken over the planet. The few dinosaurs left had evolved into reptiles and birds. One group surviving by burrowing deep under the earth to hibernate until summer came and the other growing feathers to help them stay warm.
It was a work in progress.
But while that was happening, the mammal species grew and exploded in number and variety. They went from the small mouse sized animals all the way up to huge mammoths. The primates were changing too. Developing ever closer to humanity.
I've tried to make contact with them but communication was difficult. I grew frustrated and had to leave before I lost my temper or something. Patience Bill, just come back in a few thousand years. That should give them enough time to get their shit together.
----
I was still uncomfortable around Quackers. Sometimes she'll do something and I find myself thinking 'Would the original Quackers do that?' and I know it's unfair to her. Quackers is who she is and I can't keep comparing her with her predecessor. But I feel guilty.
The twins were told of what happened and came home to spend some time with Quackers and me. Pyrone cuddled with Quackers and the two spoke at length about her memories and what she did or didn't remember.
Pynelope held me as I confessed my fear that I had pretty much killed Quackers. "Her mind was GONE! Literally erased entirely!" I whimpered. Pynelope held my hand and hummed. "But you healed her."
"No I haven't. I just built new memories based on what I've seen…"
"You did your best. Don't beat yourself up about this."
I lean against her and sighed tiredly. "I could have done better…"
Pynelope lightly pulled at my arm to watch it stretch and spring back. "Technically speaking everyone can always do better. But that's hindsight."
"Stupid hindsight bullshit…" I grumbled.
"Come on Bill, you know what would make you feel better?"
"What?" I grumbled.
"Cooking show~" she sang.
"Fuck you know me too well…"
Pynelope laughed loudly as she pulled on her brother's arm and the twins grinned at me. Quackers tilted her head and honked. "I wanna try too!"
"Hm...we will need to disguise you…" I rub my bricks in thought. Can't have people connecting Quackers to me after all...
-----
Cooking with Bill!
"Hello everyone! It's so nice to see all my wonderful fans again!" I waved at the audience.
"Today is really special because I don't just have 1 or 2 guests...but FOUR!" the spotlights turn on and my children were all there. Ammy got dragged in as well. I had been meaning to get him on my show for a while.
Quackers had been willingly turned into a stuffed animal.
"So joining me today are Pyrone and Pyronica who've been on the show before~"
The twins waved cheerfully. "I still don't see anyone there, or know where the camera is but hello audience!" Pyrone laughed.
I gesture to Ammy "-My son Amorphous Shape~"
Ammy waved a tendril into the air. "I will confess I have no idea what I'm doing." He says monotone.
I hold up Quackers with a bright smile. "And this doll I found in a hospital!" Quackers lifted a plush flipper and waved. "I've been twaumatized." She said cheerfully.
"Maybe you shouldn't steal coma patients from the hospital Bill?" Pyrone scratched his horn. I shrugged as I hug the soft plush toy to myself. "I'll put her back after this."
No one knew that Quackers had been healed. Miz had her transferred to a private hospital. And by private I mean bullshit. I hugged the doll Quackers to myself and shrugged. "Her caretaker summoned me for a Deal to heal her and I WILL! I just want to have some fun first."
I turned back to the camera. "Now today we're doing something special! You see, my dear Pyrone here has been working on a farm! Why don't you show our audience what we have to work with today?"
Pyrone heaved a large tray of ingredients onto the table. "Well I don't really like the taste of vegetables but Flora really likes them and we've got a bunch grown…" the plate of ingredients sparkled as a voice called out "Wow~❤"
Ammy picked up a large root vegetable and shook it. "So...now what?"
"Well today I was thinking we would make a simple salad. It's easy to make and healthy for any omnivorous peeps out there." I nod to myself before clapping my hands and everyone was rearranged in a row in front of the countertop with the vegetables laid out before them.
"First part of any salad preparation! Washing your veggies with cold water!" I explain. Pyrone's hands were crackling as he washed his. Pynelope just dumped her veggies into a bowl of water at her sink and poked them with a long spoon. Quackers and Ammy were diligently washing theirs.
"After you've gotten all the dirt and other stuff out, simply pat them down with a clean dry towel…" I helped wash Pynelope's veggies for her. She huffed. "I still don't see the point of eating raw vegetables. At least the cooked ones has all the cell walls ruptured so we can actually digest then…"
"Cellulose IS difficult for most life forms to digest…" I shrugged. "But!" I pulled the camera close and whispered to it "I've got a secret for fixing that little issue…"
"You know we can still hear you?" Ammy pointed out blandly. I whined "Let me do my thing!!!"
I flicked my fingers to move all the cleaned and dried vegetables into a pile. "Now the next part is cutting everything into smaller pieces. Generally this would mean using a knife-" one of my hands held up a heavy cleaver. "-or several-" more hands came out from my sides holding various knives of different sizes and shapes.
I shrugged and tossed the knives away "But that's DANGEROUS and I don't want my sweet babies handling sharp objects…"
Pynelope looks at the knife embedded on the countertop beside her hand. "Yup. Dangerous." She drawled sarcastically. She knew this was part of the show, if she tried to touch the knife her had would go right through, it was merely an illusion. I would never actually put my children in danger. I tugged on Ammy to position him in front of the pile of vegetables. "That's why I've taken the liberty of adding a new block on Amorphous Shape that is a shredder! Simply insert a vegetable and the nicely chopped pieces will come out another block!"
Ammy blinked his eyes all out of synch. "I am ok with this." If he could smile in the conventional sense he probably would have.
"That sounds MORE dangerous actually…" Pyrone pointed out as he held Quackers and pet her soft plush head absently. "I think that was the point." Quackers deadpanned. I waved them off. "More FUN you mean!" I handed Ammy a large carrot-like vegetable. "Here, let's see if it works."
"You mean you don't know?!" Pynelope took a cautious step back. Quackers flapped her flippers in what I recognized as delighted anticipation but I'm sure anyone who didn't know her as well would have thought she was struggling to escape from Pyrone's grip.
Ammy slowly slid the carrot-ish thing into his newly added block. There was a grinding sound interspersed with faint, distant screams and the shredded carrot plopped out of his other block and onto a plate.
Ammy stared unblinkingly at the shredded root for a few seconds before turning his gaze to the camera and said in monotone "Cuts so smoothly I barely felt it. Truly it is a wonderful kitchen tool. Pray tell, mother? Where could our loyal viewers obtain such a thing?"
"I'm so GLAD you asked, completely naturally on your own and not because I've got cue cards that you are reading off!" I said cheerfully.
"Clearly I am not." Ammy said tonelessly as his gaze darted to somewhere behind the camera. "...that would be a terrible...way to try and sell products...to our audience…"
Pyrone and Quackers were barely muffling their laughter. Pynelope rolled her eye with a fond smile. I pulled down a screen from above the frame and pointed at a picture of a box with rows of spinning blades inside it.
"The Shred-a-TRON 1.0! The newest in patented kitchen goods technology!" I waved my hand across the image as it twinkled. "It's lightweight, durable enough to withstand gunfire from startled Federation officers and temperatures up to 2000°C!"
"Wow~" Ammy said deadpan. "That sounds amazing...and how much does such a wondrous installation cost?" He -read- commented completely naturally, as he continued dumping the other vegetables into his shredder block. The screams sometimes changed pitch, as if there was more than one person screaming.
"I'm glad you asked! For a limited time offer I am willing to install this wonderful product directly into your bodies (almost) completely painlessly!" I wave my hands and the audience cheered.
"That sounds...amazing...but how much would such...a proceduck cost?" Pyrone read off his cue card. Pynelope looked over his shoulder "I'm pretty sure that says 'Procedure'..." She pointed out.
"I can't read this font...Bill can we have something that ISN'T Gill Sans with a heavy drop shadow?!" Pyrone whined.
I tossed sprinkles at him "Shush!" He ate the sprinkles, appeased. I grinned at the camera. "For a limited time only~if you chant Bill Cipher 3 times while upside down, yours truly will PERSONALLY show up and replace one of your orifices with my new patented Shred-a-TRON 1.0!! The price is my sick amusement!"
"Is anyone actually dumb enough to…" Pynelope started to say but was interrupted by my bowtie buzzing. "SERIOUSLY?!"
"I am starting believe that the multiverse really IS made up of idiots…" Ammy says blandly. "No wonder Bill does an a culling once a century." He pressed another vegetable into his shredder block. I shrugged. "A customer is a customer. I'll be right back. Keep shredding those vegetables."
I wave my hand to open a small portal and vanished through it. The portal remained open but was turned so the audience couldn't see directly into it. The kids helped Ammy shred the rest of the vegetables as they waited for me to come back.
A sudden loud grinding noise and screams rang out from the portal and Pynelope yelped when small bits of flesh that looked like shrimp began to spray out of the portal. "Bill what the fuck?!"
I poked my head back through the portal. "So...this dude was fighting a sea star dragon and hoped the Shred-a-TRON 1.0 would help him survive. I turned his bunghole into a shredder and he just anally devoured the whole dragon. You should have seen it! It was DISGUSTING!" I said cheerfully.
Pynelope shrieked and stared at the shrimp looking pieces of flesh in horror. I quickly assured her "Don't worry. It's clean! The Shred-a-TRON 1.0 has a built in sterilization function!"
"So...what's the draw back?" Pyrone asked. I shrugged. "He can't turn it off and it...kinda started shredding his own body...gonna need to fix that little defect…"
"So...why's Ammy fine?"
"His blocks are a separate dimensional space unconnected to his actual body." I shrugged. "So there's nothing to shred except whatever goes in."
I looked at the piles of shredded vegetables and dragon flesh. "Well I'm just gonna cook the meat so we can add it to the salad." I flicked my fingers and floated the flesh unto a boiling pot of water. "Now let's make the other stuff to put on the salad. Plain vegetables are boring."
Quackers tossed in some crushed seeds and nuts. Pynelope tossed some dried fruit into the shredder and Pyrone helped me make some dressing. "You just blend together some oil, vinegar, herb of your choice, salt...sour cream...cheese…"
"That's a lot of stuff Bill…"
"I like my salad dressing flavorful."
"Because vegetables suck!" Pyrone and Pynelope high foured each other.
Finally we placed everything in a large bowl and I took out the meat, handed them to Pyrone to chill and arrange onto the salad. I was thrilled to see he had learned a bit about proper aesthetics from me over the years as he carefully arranged the meat into the bowl.
"And there we have it! Salad!" I cheered. "Healthy, delicious and easy to make! Aside from the dragon meat I suppose." Quackers clapped in delight.
Pynelope poked the bowl hesitantly. "I still don't think this looks appetizing…"
"....just eat your veggies."
The screen faded out as the ending music played. The narrator voice says "Cooking with Bill was brought to you by the Shred-a-TRON 1.0! Temporarily taken off the markets due to unforeseen internal hemorrhaging. If you would like to volunteer for the clinical tests of the Shred-a-TRON 2.0 please chant 'Bill Cipher Clinical Testing' three times to have one of your orifices randomly replaced with a spinning death saw. The Shred-a-TRON! Don't say we didn't warn you."
-----
"So...are we going to let the universe assume that Miz now owes Bill Cipher for my recovery?" Quackers asked. I snuggled into her fur and sighed. "It's not technically a lie…"
"It's all about technicalities with you huh?" Pyrone shook his head fondly.
"Yup!" I giggled.
I stretched my arms to hug all four of my children close to me. "Thanks for going along with this just to cheer me up…"
"Of course Dad." Pynelope laughed at same time as Ammy said "It's no different than usual Mother." and Quackers sighed "Geez mom."
Pyrone scratched at his horn. "So...are you our mom or dad?"
"Does it matter?" I blinked at him.
Pyrone shrugged. "I guess not. Either way you're still Bill. Our Bill." He hugged me back and the 5 of us cuddled for a while before I started getting claustrophobic and had to break the embrace. Still, I did feel a bit better. Kinda guilty Quackers had to be a doll during the cooking show but it made sense to me for the audience to see that Bill Cipher thought of her as nothing more than a toy.
I asked Quackers if she still wanted to go back to magic school. She and PaciFire both told me they could learn the rest on their own when I asked them separately. "I don't want to stay in a place with bad memories." PaciFire had told me in the privacy of his own room. I accepted that and left them to their own study.
If they needed my help they would ask.
---
Quackers was a Pladibear, she aged faster than the twins and it wasn't long before she had become a young adult and was moving out for college. I stared at her sadly when she packed her belongings to move out. "Do you have to leave?" I asked quietly. "Can't you just commute?"
She turned to see me floating there as a triangle with my eye already watering. She sighed. "Mom. I love you. But I can't stay with you forever. I WILL visit. But I need to find my own way in life now. Ok?"
"You can stay with me forever…" I begged.
"I don't think I can handle that." She honked sadly. "It would take someone truly special to knowingly and willingly stay with you forever. And I'm just not that strong." She pulled me in for a hug. "I have things I want to do. Places I want to go. People I want to meet. On my own. Can you understand that?"
"Stay with me…"
"I can't do that mom." She held me softly until my shivering calmed down. "It doesn't mean I don't love you."
"It feels like it…" I muttered. Her and the twins...they all chose to leave me...why?
"You need to learn how to let go mom. You can't...keep everything you want forever."
"Why not?" I clung to her fur possessively.
"Because it's wrong. Autie Pyronica agreed."
I froze. "She said that?" I asked calmly.
"Yeah. She said that you have to learn to let go. And I agree with her. This possessiveness isn't healthy. I love you mom, and I know you love us too but that doesn't make it RIGHT. Auntie Pyronica and the others...they love you Mom, I love you, we all do...but you...kinda own them. They're free to leave you but there's nowhere they can go. And it's not a big deal to them because living and staying with you is EASY."
Quackers gave me a sad look. "I love you mom. I really do. But you're really..." She sighed in frustration. "You come apart if anyone tries to leave you. Auntie and Uncles can't bear to see you break like that, so they stay. But dammit mom, it's...pretty fucked up."
I slowly let go and stare at her. "So you're saying...Pyronica is saying that it's not healthy for me to keep you all?" I twitch "And so she convinced you all to refuse me." My voice cracked.
"It's not like that mom! She explained to us about the whole 'until the end of time' thing and we all decided on our own to remain mortal." Quackers groaned. "Immortality is a chain that keeps them by your side forever. And I...I can't do that. I love you mom but this isn't RIGHT!"
So none of you are willing to stay with me forever? That's what you mean…
She noticed my expression and sighed. "Mom, things being finite is normal." she patted my side gently. "And you need to learn to accept that."
"But I don't WANT to." I whined. Quackers sighed. "And that's why we have to do this."
I still didn't get it. Why do I have to learn this? Why do I have to lose people I didn't have to? What was the point of all this?! I watched Quackers step into the Teleporter and leave. I felt empty inside. All three of them chose to live and age and die and leave me...for my own good? I didn't understand.
Why would they willingly hurt me like this?
I just don't understand…
-----
"Bill?"
"Yeesh. Is he still giving everyone the silent treatment?"
"You can't mope forever."
"You are acting like a child. This is precisely why we have to do this. It's for your own good."
"Guys? Should we leave him alone?"
"Leaving Bill alone is the worst thing to do."
"Bill? You know we're just trying to help right?"
"Knowing that he's literally nuts, explains a lot about what he's done to us."
"We agreed we wouldn't talk about that anymore."
"It's gonna hurt. But it's going to get better."
"And we'll always be here for you."
"We don't really have a choice..."
"Shhh! Don't let Bill hear you say that!"
"Why are we letting the kids remain mortal again?"
"Bill needs to learn to let go. Besides, if he made every single person he liked immortal then it would never end."
"What about Google?"
"Frankly that would depend on her. If she chooses to make the Deal we can't stop her."
"She doesn't seem interested in that though."
"Good for her. She can still have an out."
"Bill? You can't seriously expect to mope forever."
"Yeah, Pynelope is graduating college soon. Don't you want to go see it?"
"Oh! He stirred! I think we're getting there!"
"Plus she's been eyeing up this Cyclopian boy...don't you want to check to see if he's good enough for her~?"
"He definitely twitched that time. Bill? Come on…"
"Pyrone and Flora are getting married~don't you want to plan the wedding?"
"He moved! He definitely moved that time!"
I blinked up at them. My friends were all gathered around me, worried but hopeful. I blinked again, my bricks brightening slowly from a sickly dull yellow back into my usual vibrant color. I sighed. "I've been doing some thinking…"
"Oh no." Teeth snorted. "How diabolical!"
"And I think you might, might, be right…"
"Gasp!" Ammy said the word in monotone.
"But it doesn't mean I'm happy about it." I grumbled. Pyronica patted my side. "We don't expect you to be. This is hard on all of us." I leaned back against her lap "I know...I'm...just being selfish…"
It always comes down to my selfishness.
"Well as you're always telling us, nothing wrong with being selfish." PaciFire grunted.
"Unless you're being shellfish!" Teeth cackled. Keyhole face palmed. "Can we not?" Hectorgon twirled his mustache, an unconscious habit he had "Losing a child is hard. But that's why we need to make all the moments count. So that the happy memories outweigh the grief."
I sighed. They were right. As much as I hated to accept it. Slowly I smiled. "Thanks for cheering me up guys." It was nice to be surrounded by my friends. To feel how much they cared about me. Even if the twins and Quackers weren't...able to accept staying with me forever, these guys did. From now until the end of time. They were my friends.
And I feel bad that even if they were my friends and chose to care about me...they were essentially forced to be with me. I've bound them to my side and they don't have anywhere else to go. It's awful and I'm an awful person for imprisoning them with me through their forced immortality but...fuck it...I just want to be happy...
Xanthar with his silent presence, reassuring and warm. Pyronica's confident 'don't give a shit' attitude that I admired so much. Ammy's calm and bluntly honest disposition. Teeth's cheerful optimism and love for bad puns. Kryptos's curious mind and workaholic tendencies that reminded me so much of myself. Hectorgon's mature nature and parental doting. Keyhole's eagerness to make those around him happy and his own uncertain goals of the future that I longed to help him with. PaciFire's quiet stoicism hiding the sweetness under his violence and posturing. 8-Ball's simple minded thought processes that made him so easy to understand…
I loved them all and I suppose...even if I'm going to lose other people I care about over the centuries, I'm relieved to know that they will always be here with me. Is it selfish? Yeah. But I don't care.
These are my friends.
The people I love and trust. I hugged Ammy to myself as I leaned back on Pyronica and sighed. "So...you mentioned a graduation party and a wedding I need to plan?"
-----
Pynelope went to college for journalism (of all things). I kinda had a suspicion of what she was planning to do. Still, I attended her graduation along with everyone else, the Federation officers training their guns on me the whole time. None of them worked though, I had rigged the things to explode in their face if they tried to fire. So far none of them had been stupid enough to do it. I was almost disappointed.
Pynelope got to choose the restaurant for the after graduation lunch and I was going to hold a small family dinner at home that evening. The annoying part was the officers following us to the restaurant. The hostess appeared quite flustered at the appearance of the large group of people.
"I'm not paying for those guys." I pointed at the officers. The hostess turned to them with a strained look. "I am very sorry sirs but I legally cannot let you loiter in here unless you are customers." One officer leveled his gun at the poor woman. "Are you obstructing justice?" He growled. I narrowed my eye at him. "Are you SERIOUSLY threatening an innocent woman for doing her job?"
He glared at me. "Anyone who obstructs our work is obviously an anarchist."
"Dude, this is a restaurant. They have RULES. Put the gun down asshole." I folded my arms while the rest of my group went to sit in the outside balcony seat with the nice view of space outside. I turned to the hostess and tipped my hat. "I am so sorry for their rudeness ma'am. They've been stalking my family all day."
"Would you like for us to contact the police to escort them away?" She asked. I laughed even as the officers scowled angrily. "Trust me I have tried to file a restraining order on these guys and their boss. Never works."
"We ARE the police, demon!" The (probably) leader pointed his gun back at me. I rolled my eye, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing me cower. (ME? Cower? HAH!) He was clearly angry at the lack of respect but I have no respect for some idiot who waved a gun around just to make himself feel superior.
"Hey! Do you think I'm joking?!" He snarled at me. I turned to stare at him blandly. "Kindly explain why you're stalking me and my family while we're out eating lunch?"
"We have orders to shoot if you do anything to endanger the citizens." He responded in a harsh tone. I lid my eye at him. "The same citizens you just threatened to shoot?" the hostess gave the officer a hard look from behind me.
He flushed and scowled. His team of officers were shuffling nervously. "Really, I believe you are more of a threat to the lives of the citizens than I am. I'm not the one waving around a weapon in a restaurant full of people."
"You ARE a weapon!" He growled.
I scoffed. "Well I'm not the one threatening people's lives right now. And I'm trying very hard to just have a nice, peaceful lunch with my family."
"Well I ain't leaving. So long as you are in a public space I have to keep my eyes on you." The leader snarled, focusing all 10 of his eyes upon me. I rolled my eye again. "Then get a table like a proper customer as per the rules of this fine establishment. Isn't that what you guys are all about? Rules?"
"Fine." He glared at me while one of the other officers nudged him. "Sir. We don't have the funds needed to pay for a table here…"
I grinned. "Just put it on the Federation's tab. If they're gonna have you guys follow me everywhere, they should be able to afford to pay for it right?" Yes I WAS just trying to cause indirect annoyance to the Federation. Let their budget staff deal with this. The officers took a seat at a nearby table and stalked us throughout lunch. Pyronica sent them glares every now and then. "Ugh, they really kill the mood in here."
"Ignore them. They HATE that." I assured her as I spoon fed Xanthar some cream of nebula soup. He snuffled and wiggled, bouncing slightly. "Aw~you like this huh? I'm gonna find the recipe so I can make this at home for you~" I coo'ed over my beloved loaf as everyone else dug into their own food. Even Google was here, staring in awe at the fancy restaurant she was allowed to dine in. Quackers had been temporarily turned into a pallet swap Amorphous Shape and the two looked quite hilarious sitting next to each other because you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began.
Pyrone had invited Beez and the others, Pynelope invited her current boyfriend (a pale green male Cyclopian named Jeriz, boring guy, which meant he was non-offensive and non-threat, so…I guess it's a good thing?). Bibbity was bouncing cheerfully as they pointed at the desert menu. "Are you sure we're allowed to order whatever we want?"
I laughed. "Sure kid. I'm in a good mood. Besides, you're my guests." I had ordered multiple items myself. That desert menu looked good. Hm...wish I could taste them though…
Was it ok to go into my William form here? Naw the officers were still watching me like hawks. Teleporting the food into storage for later it was. Ugh. I hated that I'm not allowed to enjoy myself because of assholes like them. Stupid paranoid jerks.
As the delicious looking food came out, I hear one of the officers sigh sadly. "That looks so good…" I snuck a glance at him. His boss was sending him an angry look. "We're working right now."
"But I'm hungry…" the Western Jaylurk (a species that looked like a blue jay and a sting ray had a wild night together) chirped sadly.
"And sir, this is the nicest Fronch restaurant this side of the Rister Black Hole and I've only heard good stuff about the food here…" another officer (some sort of hybrid species, can't tell what of right now) looked through a menu longingly.
"Even if I saved every Credit I earn through my whole life working other jobs I would never be able to afford anything here…" a Drinz Moth hummed. Now this was a cool species, thousands of tiny moths that congregate together into a larger organism.
I turned to face them, feeling a little bad. Not just for their hunger but for my own extravagant spending here. Wealth really got you anything in the world huh? There were people who struggled just to afford food and here I am living it up in a fancy restaurant…
I made plenty of anonymous donations to charities from Jan-Jan's accounts. But it's a huge multiverse out there. No matter how much I did I couldn't make everything better.
It's not fair.
As much as I dislike Federation workers on principle…this didn't feel fair to them. Not all of them chose to work for the Federation. For many, it was the only place willing to hire them (because they always need more disposable officers). I make a note to try harder to make things better. Sure it's just gonna be throwing my power around and forcing my will on other people but if it's for a good cause then it's fine right?
I ended up ordering some food to send to the officer's table. Poor guys looked hungry. They seemed pleasantly surprised but their leader broke the happy mood by upending the plate of food all over the ground. "Don't fall for it!" He sneered.
I twitched. He just wasted food. He...wasted food…
I took some deep breaths to try and calm down. He's just mad. He's stupid. Don't let it get to you…
His angry movements jostled the table and some fancy glass plates fell to the ground and shattered. I twitched. Calm. Calm.
He kicked my table while pointing at me and yelling "I won't fall for your bribery demon!" as his men tried desperately to pull him back. "Sir! You're going to piss him off!" He kicked my table again and my plate of food slipped. It hit the ground, ruined. The restaurant was filled with painful screaming. I twitched.
Oh.
Where did this leg come from?
There's screaming but I wasn't really noticing it, more confused about where I got this leg from. It's still twitching. Must be fresh. An explosion goes off as someone tried to shoot me only to have their gun explode in their face. I dropped the leg. Don't need it. There's more screaming.
"-ill! Bi-"
Someone was calling me. Several people but I wasn't paying attention to that. I was staring at some guy who just exploded into a glorious spray of organs. His pulsating remains were littering the ground. Ah, when did all this blood get on me? I rubbed a hand along my plane, ugh, it's soaking between my seams.
"Bill! Calm dow-"
Well it looks like the others were pointing their guns at me now. Really kids? You think you have a better chance? No, if you try and shoot you are going to die. Don't you realize that?
"Stop! Put those down! We need to calm him down!"
What stupid people. I should take their guns away before they hurt themselves. I tore the weapons from their hands and ate them so no one else gets blown up. I didn't want to kill them too. Bad enough there was one death here…
"Bill! Can you hear us?!"
Ah...they're all screaming now. They're running and knocking other tables over. Don't do that. Other people are trying to eat you know? I grabbed them so they would stay still and stop knocking the tables over.
"Bill! Stop!"
I blinked slowly. The haze around my vision was fading. Everyone was warily watching me. Pyronica notices when my gaze became more aware and she sighed in relief. "Bill. Put them down...it's ok...everything is ok…"
I blinked again and look down at the terrified men. They were all alive, I hadn't killed anyone. Oh. That was good. I blinked again, keeping my eye closed this time as I breathed carefully. Right. Calm. It's ok. I spread my power out and fix the tables and food, the objects in the room moving as if backward to fix themselves.
It's fine. I'm fine. Everyone is fine (except the idiot who blew himself up) and I can fix everything else. I breathed a long, drawn out hiss as I felt my bricks fade back into yellow. Everyone was quiet and still, as if afraid to set me off with anymore sudden movements. I sighed and opened my eye. The room had been fixed. The food was back on the tables where they belonged, just as clean and pristine as they were when the waiters brought them out.
I sighed and released my hold on the officers. They were too scared to move so I took a few steps back, slowly shrinking and floating off the ground. I feel Xanthar carefully poke my side. I shrink to an even smaller size and floated over to cuddle in his arms. "Right. Sorry. I didn't mean to lose my cool there…"
"It's fine Bill. You haven't killed anyone." Keyhole pointed out. I shook my head. "That dude's dead." I pointed at the leaking remains of the squad leader. The rest of the officers all paled at the reminder.
"Well he killed himself. All you did was rip his leg off because he was rudely kicking our table." Hectorgon grunted as he waved Xanthar over to put me down in the chair beside him. "It's his own fault. You did nothing wrong…" he reassured me. A faint voice inside told me ripping someone's leg off wasn't alright but it was brushed aside at my relief from Hec's words.
I leaned against him and sighed. "Really?" He nodded. "Really."
"...right...I'm still sorry for losing it like that though…"
"Eh~it was pretty mild for you Bill." Teeth pointed out. "You didn't even eat anyone. Just their weapons, which was fair."
I still felt a little bad. But they said it was fine. Was it fine? Was that good? I wiped at the blood on myself. "Ah...I don't think I meant to tear his leg off…" Hectorgon patted my back. "It's alright Bill. He was clearly asking for it."
"Oh…" I glance over at Pyrone's friends who looked a little scared, but they weren't utterly terrified so I took that to be a good thing. "Well I think we should avoid restaurants for a while…"
"No." Quackers spoke up with Ammy's voice. Everyone turned to her. "It's stupid that we have to stay out of the public just because they-" she pointed a tendril at the trembling officers "-are too dumb to leave you alone. If they get hurt, that's their fault. Not yours." She huffed angrily. "I'm SICK of conceding to THEIR stupid standards!" I smiled softly. "Well, you guys can still go out to eat. I'm fine with staying home."
"But mom!" Quackers protested but I stretched out a hand to press a finger to her block. "It's fine. If they don't trust Bill Cipher to be out in public then I don't have to come." My close friends nodded as they understood what I meant. I was going to be disguised as someone else when we wanted to be left alone in public.
The question would be who?
Well, it's not important right now. We had lunch to finish and a trip to Dimension Ersqueil for their petting zoo. Yes, I planned a trip to a petting zoo as part of Pynelope's graduation party. I need me my snuggles dammit!
I'll get to planning Pyrone and Flora's wedding later.
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