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The planet was finally recovering from the massive climate change that was the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction. The tiny little mammals that survived were starting to grow and diversify as they raced to fill in the niche left behind by the dinosaurs when they died out. Three quarters of all life on Earth had died out rapidly. This left so many openings in the ecosystem for new species to fill.
The dust from the meteor had caused a near planetwide winter and only some smaller (therefore they didn't need as much food to sustain themselves) and furry (to keep warm) animals began to thrive. The hardier plants broke through the melting snow to reach towards the sky once more. The larger marine life died out with the changing temperatures leaving only a few survivors that managed to hold on long enough for things to calm down.
Pynelope floated beside me. "What is this?! Where is this?"
"My special place. Earth." I grin down at the sight of new life growing as time marches on and this wonderful little planet trudged on. Life continued to find a way. Despite all the things that tried to kill the Earth, it held on stubbornly and continued to produce life.
It's why I loved this planet so much. I could watch it forever. No other world had such diverse life. No other world had evolution and mutations go so wild. Pynelope calms when she sees the peaceful look on my face. She turns to look back down at the planet. "Earth...the planet you get all those movies from?"
"Well, not YET. I'm actually grabbing them from an alternate future. None of those movies have actually been created yet." I wave my hand "It's not that important."
"Oh." She watches a small animal chase after a bug and eat it. "So this is your special place?" She moves her legs, confused at how she was floating.
"Yeah. Sometimes...I need some time alone. I come here. I watch the days pass and the seasons change. I watch life grow and die." I float over to sit next to her in midair. "It's relaxing."
She quietly watches along with me. I wait. Finally she begins to cry. I wrap my arms around her and she cries into my plane. "I-it's so fucking unfair!" She sobbed. "I was gonna win! I was gonna finally show everyone that I'm more than just Bill Cipher's kid!" I rumble the way Ax does when he's trying to comfort me.
"I sho-shouldn't even care this much! They're nothing but a bunch of idiots so why does it feel so bad?!" She shakes with the force of her sobs. I rub her back as I rumbled. "Everyone wants to be noticed or acknowledged. It's normal to feel bad when people refuse to see you for who you are. It's normal to be upset that people judge you without even getting to know you."
She pulls back, wiping her tears. "You know ALL about that don't you Bill?" She looks guilty. "Sorry I'm being so spoiled...I have nothing to be sad about...I have a nice house, a family that loves me and you get me and my brother everything we could ever want...and here I am still wanting more..."
"There's nothing wrong with feeling like that." I materialized a tissue for her. "Everyone's allowed to be a little selfish. Hell, I ALWAYS want more. No one understands your need to be acknowledged for WHO you are more than I do." I pat her hair. "So you're not being spoiled or selfish. You feel the way you do and that's perfectly valid." We hug for a while longer. She cries for a few minutes before finally calming down. Technically leaking bodily fluids isn't a thing in the Mindscape but if you believe you're crying then you will.
She smiles while wiping her tears. "Dammit Bill why'd you gotta be the best dad ever..."
I flush orange. She's never called me dad before, neither of them have. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It made my insides burn. Kinda hurt a little actually. I hide my uncertainty and scoff. "Well I'm obviously the best creature in all existence to begin with!"
She laughs and sniffles. "Yeah, yeah." She composes herself and sighs. "Thanks for cheering me up. But um...can we go home now?"
I take her hand and pull us back into our bodies. My constructed body unpetrified from a statue back into my usual lovely yellow self as Pynelope sits up with a gasp of air. She looks rather disoriented. "Ugh...what WAS that?!"
"Dimensional travel through a lower plane of existence." I say flippantly. "It takes some getting used to."
She shivers. "Well I don't think I want to do that again. I like physicality thanks." She rolls over, her flames 'magically' not burning my garden. "Hey Bill..."
"Yeah?"
"Do you think I'll ever have people who will see me for ME?"
"You already have that. You've got us. You've got your brother. Even Beez and Flora think you're cool." I list off. "It's impossible to get everyone to like you personally. It's better to have a small group that you know actually care about you."
"But everyone loves you as Jan-Jan." Pynelope points out. I nod. "Yes. But do any of them know who I am? On a personal level? Do any of them really care about ME as a person?" I know they don't but I was fine with that. I needed my fans for their blind adoration, not their company. I had my friends for that.
Pynelope nods as she gets where I'm coming from. "So...why do you pretend to be a space idol anyway? I mean, I know you love music but you didn't NEED to go full alternate identity right?"
"It was an accident." I flop onto the ground with a groan. She turns to look at my body lying flat on the ground. Grinning a little, she pushes me along the ground. As I whine at the disrespectful treatment, 8-Ball came out to the garden with Quackers. "There you guys are! We're hungry." 8-Ball whines.
"Hungry~" Quackers repeats. The two began chanting "Hungry~" over and over again. I laugh. "Well gee, I do wonder what I should do right now~"
Pynelope laughs, looking much better than she was before. As I float off to go cook something she walks beside me and nudges my side with her horn. "Thanks for helping. Even if the dance didn't turn out how I wanted...I'm glad you snuck your way into it."
I pet her head. "Don't worry so much on getting your classmates to like you. If you're still worried about, go talk to Kryptos. He had to deal with roommates and classmates reacting to me. Keyhole too."
She nods, off in thought. "I still feel like a brat for being so angry about this."
"Don't be. You feel how you feel and that's fine. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to be happy."
I made the twin's favorite foods for the next few days. I still felt kinda bad for how things turned out. Pyrone had fun but his sister was still trying to find ways to make her classmates respect her more than they fear me. I overheard Pyrone telling her that she'd be happier if she just found a couple friends.
Eventually I brought up the question of what the twins were planning to do after school. We were sitting down for dinner together, it's been a while since the whole family has been in one place, Kryptos has finished his 4 years of basic college (which would be 60 years here) and was going to take another 4 to get a master's degree (in multiple subjects as well, I have a congratulatory party planned for him.)
"Are you going to college? Finding work? What field? Ammy, you too." I poke my son and he shrugs. "I don't see why I need a job."
"What if you want spending money to buy yourself stuff." I insist.
"I can just steal it. I've gotten pretty good at that." He mumbles. I glare at Pyronica "You are a terrible influence."
"I still don't know why you're so hung up on this. We raid stuff together all the time." Pyronica groans.
"For the last time, robbing directly from the rich is different from shoplifting. When you shoplift you're causing trouble for the poor retail and service workers and those guys go through enough stress as is. They have to deal with CUSTOMERS everyday. Do you have any idea how many emotional breakdowns happen in the backrooms of those places?"
Keyhole raises a hand "I got a part time job at G-Mart once." His expression goes dark "I had a lady come in demanding for a product we didn't even sell and when I told her that she got mad and asked to see a manager so she could report me for being unhelpful..." He makes a frustrated sound "Then there was this guy who came in with his kids. They were pulling stuff off shelves and tearing open the packaging and the asshole didn't stop them or pay for anything!!"
I pat Keyhole's back comfortingly. "I know. I know." I tell him.Teeth held up a hand "Back when I was working at the restaurant, my colony was just on dish washer duty but we had waiters bring in full plates of uneaten food to dump out because a customer complained about something and demanded it to be thrown out."
I nod sagely. "What I'm trying to say is customers are the worse. The ones who shoplift are even worse than the worse. I have clients like that sometimes, idiots who try to cheat me out of a Deal. It's awful."
Pyronica groans. "Ok I get it! Shoplifting is bad. Ugh~"
The twins and Quackers were watching the conversation with interest. "Having a job sounds hard." Quackers says at last.
Ammy sighs. "But I still don't need one...you already get me everything I want."
I rub my side tiredly. "I know. That's the problem isn't it? I've spoiled you all rotten. Only Kryptos is currently pursuing higher education. Teeth is fine, he's doing what he loves and he's earning his own money..."
"Well yeah. I've already been a working adult before." Teeth shrugs.
"Hectorgon works from home..." I continue listing off. He works on a commission base with companies to help them encrypt their files against hacking. The Federation keeps trying to hire him again since he really is the best in the field but Hectorgon just anonymously charges deliveries of live Abslovian Termites to their offices.
The polysphere grins. "Of course."
"Paci's got his thing, Keyhole goes through different part time jobs...speaking of which, are you still unsure what profession you want to get into? I can help you know?"
Keyhole fidgets in his chair. "I'm just not good at anything though..."
"That's not true at all. I've never seen anyone else who can identify the elemental makeup of metals without a scanner as well as you." I praise. "And you're a hard worker. You deserve better than entry level work at retail stores."
He blushes but is smiling proudly all the while. "W-well that might be true but I'm not all that smart and I don't even know when or where my skills might be useful anyway..."
I float over to hug his large head. "Don't think that Keyhole. You're plenty intelligent. Everyone has different things they're smart about. Like take 8-Ball, he's not passing any math tests but I once saw him calm a feral Perflexian Bugbear long enough for the zookeepers to get it back in it's containment. And he did that without any training."
"It was fluffy. I liked it." 8-Ball says happily, some food dribbling down his chin. I absently wiped it off with a napkin.
"So book smarts isn't everything. I really do want you guys to be able to do something with your time instead of sitting around all day. Don't you get bored?"
Pyronica jumped on this chance. "So can we rampage again?"
"No. You still have 40 more years to go. Kryptos has more since he's lived though less...but since he's always on good behavior I'm letting him off easy by synching his punishment period with yours."
Kryptos 'WOOT's loudly "Does this mean I can keep building that Death Canon?" He asks, eye wide and sparkling.
"Sure kid. The twins are old enough now that we don't have to worry about them setting it off by accident."
"You have a Death Canon?!" Pyrone asks excitedly.
"I built it for one of my classes. My professor said that I'm not allowed to use it without a license but I've been getting the paperwork together for that." He grins smugly "Though, there's a loophole. I can't fire off a FINISHED death canon without a license. But an UNFINISHED one can be used for testing purposes to see if it's working." He cackles.
I sighed fondly at the memories. So many burning buildings.
"What I'm trying to say is once you're all ungrounded, I'm hoping you find something better to do with your time than causing trouble. As much fun as that is, it's actually been nice not having Time Baby yell at me all the time." I guess if I were to put it another way...we were getting along better recently...sort of?
It was...almost nice not being mad at him all the time. The reforms slowly coming into place as a few new Councilmen took a seat of power were doing wonders to try and fix the Federation's many issues. There was one politician I had my eye on. She was steadily climbing the ranks and it was a good thing her species were so long lived since it took literally decades for anyone to get to higher seats of power.
Actually...that made the seats of power for the Federation quite unfair. Any of the shorter lived species would be unable to get far in politics.I really didn't want to think about this right now.
"Are you still doing Deals with Time Baby?" Pyronica frowns. Ever since I admitted to doing Deals with Federation members she has been expressing her worry. She and the others finally coaxed the whole story out of me when the twins were in their 30s about just what my job entailed. They were horrified by what Time Baby forced me to do.
I think they were mainly angry that Time Baby made me take on the role of a destructive heartless monster while HE got to sit on his chair and pretend to be all high and mighty. I admit, it really pissed me off for the longest time but after 500 billion years I just didn't have it in me to care all that much anymore. If he does something to piss me off then I'll get mad but I suppose I was just...numb to it by this point.
Or I've just gotten better at ignoring my feelings.
Either way, I wasn't going to stop my Deals with Time Baby so long as I can still get stuff out of him.
I looked over at Quackers and winced. What am I supposed to do? I never meant to get ANOTHER kid. But they're mine now...
Belongs to me. Mine. Mine. Mine....and that means I need to take care of him. Should I start a bank account for him too? Fuck I don't want to deal with this extra responsibility (it's why I mainly left 8-Ball to babysit the kid). I was fine with the twins, I chose to take on the responsibility of Co-Parent myself. But this kid was kinda...thrust onto me without my choice in the matter.
But a Deal is a Deal. I owned Quackers and I had to take care of them.
I didn't want to get attached. Not to yet another mortal life. Pyrone and Pynelope were bad enough.
I've been avoiding Quackers for this reason. I know myself well enough that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would grow attached. I form bonds easily, connections to people who spend any amount of time with me.
My friend's, Bill's friends, Miz's friends...the other Bill's I've met...(still working on those security features around my Exit door, somehow I doubt stuffed animals with laser guns was gonna cut it)
Heck, my MANAGER. Ivanlock is a shitty asshole and I'm still mildly fond of him. If only in a 'when I inevitably kill him, I'm not gonna eat him' kind of way.
My desire for connections was annoying sometimes. I don't want to care so much. My life would be so much easier if I DIDN'T hold so much affection for people. But then where would I be? As inconvenient as it was, this part of me that NEEDS people was important.
As with most things that upset me, I decided to ignore it for now. Just like I'm going to ignore Quackers. Pladibears only live like 130 years anyway. Just raise Quackers until they reach maturity and then they're out of my hands.
Of all people, I found myself complaining about this subject to the inhabitants of my little dungeon. I leaned on the assassin's leg, he and the other people I captured during the twin's birthday party many months back were enjoying an extended stay in this secret room.I returned all the children after the party (can't very well keep them, their parents would complain at the next PTA meeting and Dammit, if I had to set Karen on fire AGAIN for sassing me out I swear to AX I'm gonna...) so the only people here were the assassins and Federation spies.
The first few days had consisted of them trying to escape. After a few weeks most of them had lost hope. I wanted to let them go, don't they know how much trouble it was to just keep them alive here(?!), but I didn't want to release them without making sure they were punished for attempting to go against me.
The problem was I had no idea what kinda punishment to give. I COULD grind them into pulp to make ground meat for cooking but I didn't want to do the same thing twice, that's boring and predictable. Not to mention a small part of me pointed out that I shouldn't default to eating people ALL the time. No matter how tempting it was.
It's not like I WANTED to keep them down here. It's hard on me too you know? I have to come down to feed and clean them everyday. It was a lot of work and I have to forego sleep. Of course, sleep has always been optional. I'm so glad I figured out how to actually fall asleep though. (Thanks Bill....I miss him..Seb too, they were...nice…?)
It was such a good feeling. My vessel feels refreshed. I get to dream. Though with how much work I have to do, Sleep, like most things, is merely a treat I give myself when I can afford the time needed for it. But anyway, my professionalism demanded I punish them somehow. I really can't let this slide after all. Who did they think they were? Coming to MY house with intentions like THAT.
So there I was, explaining my problem to them, because they HAVE to listen to me and it's not like they'll be able to spill my secrets while they're imprisoned here. "-so I just worry that I'm gonna grow fond of Quackers and I just don't know if I can handle that." I sigh.
The man whose leg I was leaning on (Freir, professional assassin, specializes in killing children) grunted and shook me off his pointy leg (his species resembled a crystalline starfish with a giant eye in the middle) with a grumpy look. He knows he can't stop me from doing what I want anyway. "You could just kill it and be done with it." He grunts.
I gasp dramatically. "Why Star-face, that's a TERRIBLE idea! I can't kill my own child! I told you Quackers is mine!" He grumbles "My name is Freir and you KNOW it!"
"Then why NOT just...be fond of them? I don't see the problem here." Another prisoner (a fluffy Yakyak named Johan, nice guy actually, a Federation Cleaner (ie, Assassin) sure, but nice) says meekly.
"But I don't WANT to be fond of them." I whined. "My friends keep telling me that I'm...a good person...." I whimpered. "Which isn't true at all! I'm an awful person who just happens to be nice to them." I wave my arms around frantically. "But if I start LIKING Quackers then it'll make them think they're RIGHT!" I whined dramatically as I slide down the side of Freir's leg (to his annoyance).
"But...isn't that a good thing? You know, being a good person?" Another prisoner, an assassin named Google. Interesting story this one, her website looks like Google and you type in the name of who you want her to kill. The 'search results' are different methods you can commission her for. The top search result is Bill Cipher, which always amuses me to no end. She was shaped like the word GOOGLE and the eyes on her O's made her look silly.
Hard to tell that she's a vicious murderer.
I groan and pull at the brim of my hat. "But I'm Bill Cipher! I'm not supposed to be a 'good person'! I can be 'nice' or even 'kind' but being nice and being good are very different things!" I throw myself dramatically to the floor. "I wouldn't be able to do my job if I were a GOOD person!" If I ever admit that I might be a good person...even just to myself, I would feel even MORE guilty about the shit I have to do. If I tell myself that I am simply a bad person I can excuse some of the awful things I've done. I am a bad person because I'm selfish. I value the lives of my friends more than those of countless innocent (or otherwise) people that I kill on Time Baby's orders.
"You actually have a job?" Johan asks, trying to get more information about me to tell his superiors in the Federation once he escapes. Oh how adorable he still thinks he can leave here without my permission.
I stare at him incredulously. "Do you seriously not know?" Even the other two prisoners, who were both professional assassins, stared at him like he was an idiot. "What the ever loving fuck do you think my Deals are?!" Johan shrinks in on himself. "I was told that you were a Deals Demon so you do Deals to eat people's souls to keep yourself alive and immortal."I could feel everyone staring at me. I roll my eye. "Where did this misunderstanding come from?! I have NEVER eaten a soul before. NEVER!" I snarl. They all flinch back when my bricks flicker red for a few seconds.
"But...you eat people...you destroy entire planets..." Johan points out.
"Do you..." I wave my hands helplessly "Do you not know how Souls work?!"
The three of them slowly shake their heads. I had started with over 20 prisoners. 15 were stupid teenagers that I gave a stern lecture to before sending them home. Of the remaining 5, 2 of them were Federation officers who self terminated before I could stop them. I managed to save Johan so now he and the two assassins were all that were left. It wasn't as fun with such a small audience but needs must so I might as well do this.
I pull myself up and switch into 'lecture' mode. "Ah hem." I coughed before pulling down a projector screen to start my powerpoint presentation. The three prisoners groaned loudly.
I turned my cane into a pointer and smack it against the screen. "All living, sentient creatures are made of 3 parts. The Body-" I point at the picture I have of a Manrilla. "-the Mind-" I move to point at the Manrilla's head "-and the Soul!" I point at a glowing orb in the Manrilla's chest.
I turn to my captive (Hah!) audience and smile pleasantly. "So, there are three major forces in the universe, the AXOLOTL, Time Baby and Me." I click a remote and the image on the screen switches to a picture of Ax, Baby and myself. The picture of Time Baby had a mustache scribbled over his face. Johan makes an offended sound.
"And each of us are in charge of an aspect. Time Baby's dominion of Time rules over your mortal physical bodies. The AXOLOTL governs Souls and yours truly is in charge of the Mind." There are a bunch of overlaps between our powers and proficiencies but I'm not gonna get into that right now.
I hear chains jostling. "Yes Johan?" I can hear Freir grumbling about how come Johan (pronounced Joe-hang) doesn't get a nickname.
"But...wouldn't that mean that you're...one of the three pillar gods that created existence?" Johan asks with a furrowed brow.
I clap slowly. "Well. Isn't this NICE? You're not as stupid as I thought you were~" the two assassins were already paling as they quickly understood the implications of my words. If they were true, it meant I was even more dangerous than the multiverse knew.
The fact that they knew nothing of what I was truly capable of is probably because my ego wasn't large enough to demand all of the multiverse to respect my authority. I'm sure most alternative Bills went out of their way to establish themselves. My multiverse didn't know how good they had it, me being so laid back.
It takes Johan a couple more seconds to understand what I meant. He goes pale, which was impressive because I could barely see skin under that fur.
"Y-you're REALLY one of the Pillar Gods of Creation?!" Johan gasps. I roll my eye. "It's not that big of a deal y'know?"
"But then why does Time Baby want you destroyed?" Johan asks.
"Time Baby doesn't want me destroyed. The FEDERATION wants me destroyed. Time Baby would prefer if I were locked up and only let out when he needs my help with something." Besides, this isn't the point of this conversation anyway.
"Look!" I slap my pointer against the PowerPoint again. "What I'm getting at here is that the AXOLOTL is in charge of Souls so even if I eat someone I can digest/assimilate their mind and body, because Time Baby doesn't give a shit about any of you, but Ax gets your Souls. I can't get Souls unless they GIVE it to me via a Deal. And I don't want them anyway."
I flip the screen back up and turn to my captive audience with a cheerful smile. "Understand?"
They seemed too blown by this information to respond. I sigh. "Well, regardless, I can't go around being a good person. It would ruin my edge (hah!) and unbalance the universe or something. I still need to figure out what to do with you guys as well."
"Let us go?" Google asks.
"AHAHAHAHAH!! AHAHAA! AHAHAHHA!!!" I laughed in her face. "After what you just learned?! After all the SHIT I've been rambling to you guys about?! Not FUCKING likely!" they flinch back at my sudden laughter but didn't actually seem too afraid. They've gotten used to my behavior.
I can't keep them forever though! They're not even doing anything FOR me. They're just here taking up valuable time I could be spending doing literally anything else. Sure I talk to them because they don't have a choice in the matter but it didn't change that part of me feels that having live in prisoners isn't actually an acceptable pastime. Terrible pets they were.
It's hard to keep track of what is considered 'proper' behavior nowadays. I'm not killing them so it's not bad. I'm not torturing them so it's not bad. I'm keeping them chained up but that's because they came here with the intent to harm my family so I'm allowed to retaliate.
They should be grateful I've allowed them to live for so long.
I absently pet Johan's fur. "Thanks for listening to me though. It's nice having people I can complain to who won't use what I say against me." Because they're never gonna leave here alive enough to tell anyone.
Hm...Johan's fur was getting matted again. I need to bathe him soon. Maybe make a shower system in here.
Freir scowled. "Just kill me already! I am SICK of being here. It was supposed to be a quick in and out job! You weren't supposed to be there!" I curve my eye into smile. "You should have thought of that before coming in here and trying to kill my babies."
He tugs on his chains. "You really aren't gonna let us go huh?" He growls. "Nope!" I said cheerfully. He glares at me. Then without warning he laughs. "You know what's funny? I wasn't originally gonna take this job…"
"Should have gone with your first instinct then." I inform him. The crystalline creature laughs. "Maybe...but when my employers showed me that picture of my target? Well, I was interested."
"Why's that?" I narrow my eye at him. His employers were long dead, I easily got the info from him to track them down months ago. Strung them up in a public space by their entrails as a warning not to fuck with me.
The chains rustle as he leans in to stare at me. I know he's just trying to make me mad so I kill him. Looks like he finally broke from being down here so long.
"That girl~she was cute." He sneers. I go still. Was he seriously saying-
"I would have liked to get my points in her before finishing the job."
I reach over to smush his sides together, his hard crystalline shell cracking slightly as he hissed in pain.
"How much were you being paid for this? 2 million? 3?" I lean in close to his eye with a wicked glint in mine. "Was it worth it?" I hissed. He grunted as the cracks spread along his shell. "I-it's a living…" he snarls. "Frankly you've done the same. You've done worse."
I know he's right. It's why I crushed his core into a pulp. The crystals scatter around the room, bouncing off my bricks but making Johan and Google flinch at the sharp shards. No blood. Kinda made this less fun for me. I liked coating myself in the stuff, feels nice on my bricks.
I stare at the shattered remains of the assassin. Well there goes my good mood. See? This is why I am not a good person. A good person would have turned him over to the Federation to be locked away or something. I shouldn't have let him talk.
"Um...mister Cipher?" Google asks quietly. I turn my eye around behind me to stare at her. She trembled a little but met my gaze. "You said that Time Baby doesn't want you dead. You said...that he wants you to work for him?"
I giggle. "What's this all about suddenly? I kill a man right in front of you and you just want clarification from my earlier lecture?" I was still angry. Disgusted as well. I realize I'm not thinking clearly right now.
She frowns, which looks ridiculously stupid on her face. Letterians are such a fun species. I once found one that looked like Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. "What do you do for Time Baby?" she asks.
I giggle as I kick at some of the shards along the ground. "I'm a lot like you guys. I also kill for others. But the only one I take commission from is Time Baby." Johan gasps. "Not for money of course. I don't NEED that~" I drawled while flapping my hand around.
My false mirth drops. "Johan kills for the Federation because it's his JOB. He doesn't get paid to do it. He just DOES it." I flick his nose, ignoring his flinch.
"Google, you kill for your job too! But you accept cold hard credits for it~" I pat her G with a laugh. She narrowed her eyes at me but otherwise doesn't react.
I skip backward and twitch. "ME? I'm worse! Just like Star-face said!" I nod to myself. "I kill in exchange for Favors. Favors from Time Baby himself!" I laugh. "It's so much better than money you know?" I boop Johan's nose.
"...to be honest, I feel most beings in the multiverse would kill for a Favor from Time Baby." Google says quietly. Johan pulls at his chains. "Y-you lie! Time Baby is...he won't ask for your help! You're just...a demon!"
"That's just the brainwashing talking kid." I ruffle his fur. "You've killed for the Federation before. Do you even know why?"
"Because...I'm ordered to?" The Yakyak shakes my hand off him. I groan. "YES. But I mean, WHY? Do you...even know the REASON why you are sent to kill who you kill?" Ramen help me I was NOT in the mood for this. I was already growling through my smile.
He slowly answers. "They were bad people. So I had to take them out." I hum patiently, at least I tried to, the notes got somewhat hysterical near the end. "So then, if you are only sent after BAD people...why did you come here to kidnap two teenage CHILDREN who have committed no crimes?"
He looks confused for a moment. No doubt being incapable of questioning the orders he was given. "Because...they're...baaaad?" he drawls out the 'ba' sound.
"How are they bad?" I snap. "They have never killed anyone." I lean closer to him "They have never stolen anything." I lean ever closer "They have not broken the LAW in any way whatsoever."
Johan twitches his ears "They...are your children?" He says weakly.
I slap him across the face. "I am not their father." I slap him again. "There is no blood shared between us." I slap him again. "They are PYRONICA'S children." Another slap. "And I am helping her raise them because her species eats their mate." Slap. "If YOU help a friend babysit their kids, does that mean THOSE KIDS should be judged for what YOU do?"
Johan bleats in distress, his cheeks stinging from my hits.
"I repeat my question, why were you sent to kidnap two children who have committed no crimes?" I lift up Johan's chin to look at me. He shivers. "I...I don't know…" he admits.
I pat him almost comfortingly. "Of course you don't know. You're a LITERAL sheep. The Federation must have jizzed their collective pants when they discovered and enslaved YOUR species…" really though, hypocrites. Enslaving a planet is only okay when THEY do it. They call it Domestication and Civilization. Like they're doing people a FAVOR when they come down in their ships with their weapons drawn.
Find a planet with a species that the Federation deems 'useful', invade the planet with claims of 'helping' the native species. Claims of 'education' and 'civilizing' the species. Raise and brainwash them to be loyal to the Federation. Stamp out anyone who does anything even slightly problematic.
Because Order and Peace were their goals. Control is needed to bring structure to this chaotic world. To be fair I don't blame them for wanting to do this, I just wish they wouldn't lie about it. If you're gonna enslave a planet and its people for the 'greater good' then just own up to it. None of this LYING to the universe to make themselves look better.
I mime a few deep breaths to calm down.
Google was staring at my not-really freak out quietly. Johan was bleating in distress and my hands continued petting his soft face. Finally Google says "For what it's worth, I took the job because I had bills to pay. It's not often I get hired for a kidnapping instead of an assassination. Also my employer said they weren't going to hurt them." she frowns "I wouldn't have taken it otherwise."
"I appreciate your honesty but I still can't let you go. Not when you know so much." I said calmly, calmer than I felt.
"Know WHAT? That you're on the same level of power as Time Baby? That Time Baby uses you to kill trillions of people and forces YOU to take the blame for it all?" Google asks "None of that information can be used against you. It's not like I've learned your weaknesses or anything!"
I shake my head at her. "I'm not saying you know too much and I can't let you go because you're a threat to me." I actually felt a little guilty for running my mouth as I always do. "I'm saying that if I let you two go free, Time Baby is gonna hunt you down and silence you."
Google and Johan look taken aback. The Yakyak shakes his head. "He wouldn't do that! I'm a loyal Federation Cleaner!" Google however was frowning. "Bing. I hadn't thought of that…."
I shrug. "Besides, I still haven't figured out what to DO with you…" wait. I have an idea! I can tell Google has realized I was onto something. Johan was still lagging behind the conversation. I grin at them. "So I can't let you leave since you're gonna be gunned down the instant you step foot back into the multiverse…" Because somehow Time Baby KNOWS when anyone finds out the truth of our relationship to each other, and he HATES it.
And frankly I shouldn't even CARE if that happens to them but…
"And I can't keep you down here all the time, it's getting to be too much trouble keeping you guys alive…" I glance over to the shattered remains of Star-face's corpse "...or...not I guess…"
Google looked worried. Unlike Star-face, she wanted to stay alive.
"So I've thought of a solution." I inform them calmly. "I can't very well let you off without punishment-"
"Like these past few months trapped down here ISN'T punishment enough…" Google mutters.
"-so I've decided…" I hold out my hands and reveal two maid outfits on hangers. "You can work for me instead. Sure, you're still my prisoners but at least you will be free to walk around, use the very nice facilities I have and get your own room and meals." It'd be nice not having to just teleport food inside them anymore.
Also, despite Liu-Dag having been absolutely awful, I really do want a live in maid.
I grin at Johan "So really, it's not gonna be all that different to what your life was like at the Federation. Except now you've got a better uniform."
While Johan looks offended, Google rolls her eyes. "This is the best offer we're gonna get huh?" She mutters before nodding. "Alright then. I accept, if only so I don't have to be down here anymore."
I look at her sternly. "There WILL be ground rules." I say. She scowls but nods. There was a fear in her eyes, knowing that she was at my mercy. I tried not to let it delight me so much. "You cannot leave the premises unless willingly accompanied by me, Pyronica, Hectorgon or Teeth. You cannot harm any of the inhabitants of this household unless it's self defense. You have a job as part of my cleaning staff to keep the house neat and tidy. You cannot enter other people's private chambers without their permission." I thought to myself. Was that all? I think so. "And in exchange I will give you food, board and even a salary but I have a right to dock it if you don't do your jobs." They weren't my SLAVES after all. Just...prisoners working a parole for the rest of their natural lives...or until Time Baby forgets about them learning his dirty little secrets.
Which would take a few decades.
Google blinks in surprise and hesitantly asks "We won't have to follow orders? We won't have to do whatever you or your demons tell us to?"
I scoff "I might ask you to clean something or bring me something from another room but that's about it. I'm not gonna tell you to kill my enemies for me or something that dumb." what does she take me for?
Google blinks slowly. "That wasn't what I meant…" she glances at the maid outfit nervously. "We...don't have to obey any 'special' requests?"
It took me a few seconds to get what she meant and I sputtered, offended and disturbed. "What?! Ew! No! That's DISGUSTING! The most I'll do is change out your uniform appearance when I get bored of it." Google looks relieved. Johan still didn't get it.
"And don't worry about my friends, I'll tell them to keep their hands off." I assure her. She sighs in relief before glancing at Johan. "Same with him?" She asks.
I nod. "Don't worry. There will be none of that here. If anyone tries anything with you, scream and I'll come resolve it."
The screaming was unnecessary and she knew it. I'm the All Seeing Eye after all. Still, she looked like she appreciated it. "Alright. I accept." She hold put her hand and I shook it. "Deal."
Johan looked horrified. "I will not make deals with you DEMON!" He bleats. I shrug, already unshackling Google from the wall. "Since our fluffy Fed isn't leaving here, one of your jobs will be coming down to feed him." I inform her. She nods even as she looks at the maid outfit with a resigned sigh.
"Is the dress really necessary?" She groans.
I nod. "Don't worry so much. I wear one too when I'm cleaning."
Ignoring her incredulous stare, I wave my hand to made the wall to the side open into stairs so we could leave the dungeon. Well, that's two prisoners dealt with. For Johan's sake I hope he comes around soon so I don't have to keep him locked down there forever.
---
None of my friends seemed surprised when I introduced them to Google in her uniform with a cheerful "I got a MAID!"
Kryptos lets out a loud, relieved "YEEESSS!!!" that I finally had someone ELSE to force into the dresses I make. He's been acting kinda weird for a while. Ever since he had that accident with one of his experiments a few weeks ago. I shug it off as unimportant.
Google twitches and I can see her L reaching for a weapon that wasn't there anymore. Right, professional assassin. Even if she looks adorable in her frilly skirt. Pyronica stares at the (former) assassin until Google shifts uneasily. "Is she a friend?"
She says it casually but I can see the others (except 8-Ball and the children) catch on to her real question. I laugh. "Nah. She's just our new house maid!"
I can tell Google hasn't noticed the real meaning behind that exchange. "So. This is Pyronica, Xanthar, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Teeth, PaciFire, 8-Ball, Kryptos, Keyhole, Pynelope, Pyrone and my newest child, Quackers." I introduced rapid fire. Google nodded slowly. She seemed a little overwhelmed to know how many people were actually living here.
I lead her away to show her to her room. "Now we don't have any clocks in the house, aside from the ones built into the Coms or computers and those don't work half the time due to dimensional time shifts and all that so you don't have a schedule." I explain as I float through the hallways.
Google was looking around everywhere, memorizing the layout, possible escape routes. I don't worry all that much. The only way off this ship/house was the teleporter at the front entrance. Even if she tried swimming away into space she's not gonna make it far. This entire sector was a dead zone. No planets. Just pitch black void as far as mortal eyes can see with the twinkling of distant stars millions of light years away.
Besides, if she -escapes- leaves all she has to look forward to is being gunned down by any Federation officer in the area. I feel a little bad for her but Time Baby's got shit memory, he'll forget eventually and I can have Hectorgon erase her bounty from the Fed System.
By then she would have served her 'punishment' long enough for me to feel satisfied to let her go.
I chat happily about her new lodgings (nice big room, personal bathroom and so on while I try to ignore that I just killed a man not even 20 minutes ago.
She settled well, if a little weirded out at how accommodating I was. "I wasn't expecting such a nice room…" she muttered.
"I happen to treat my guests very well." I said. "Prisoners, not so much. Frankly I was VERY lenient to you guys. I ate my last prisoners after ripping out their hearts…." I say cheerfully. Google shudders. "Good to know." She says in a strained voice. I pat her on the top of her G comfortingly. "Well, go get some sleep. Your first day of work starts tomorrow. I'll walk you through it."
She nods, still looking weirded out by the turn her life has taken.
---
Google stared at me and Xanthar. It was only the three of us here today (four if you count Hectorgon passed out in front of his computer back in his room. The twins were at school. Ammy and 8-Ball were taking Quackers to the park on planet P@k. Teeth was at the theater, their next show was gonna be a Comedy. Pyronica and Keyhole were job hunting together. PaciFire was with his co-workers on another Demon Baby Fights filming session. Kryptos was searching for an internship.
And I was in a maid outfit.
"You weren't kidding about wearing this stuff yourself." Google says at last.
Xanthar snuffles against my side. He didn't trust this stranger in the house yet and had taken it upon himself to be my bodyguard. I nuzzle him happily. Always made me feel good to know he cared.
"I like my dresses. Makes me feel pretty." I admit as I fluttered off to show Google where the cleaning supplies were kept. She followed, bemused. I spent the day showing her around all the main rooms of the house and she looks somewhat faint.
"This place is HUGE. Am I really expected to clean it ALL?" She says in despair. I give her a reassuring look. "Not by yourself. The others have their own chores around the house and I clean too."
"Can't you just...magic the place clean?" She asks.
I sigh. "But cleaning manually is…" I struggle to find the right way to put it. Therapeutic? Relaxing? "...nice." I say lamely. It's not like I can explain how carefully scraping gunk out of hinges with a toothpick brings me ecstatic satisfaction. It's not like I can explain how stacking plates into the dishwasher fulfills some weird craving inside me.
I wonder if my OCD has gotten worse over the years…
I hum cheerfully while I wipe down the tables as Google does the same. She keeps sneaking glances at me. "You're nothing like your reputation would imply…" she says. "But at the same time, you are exactly like it."
"How so?" I wonder as Xanthar settles down to watch us from the doorway. He was staring suspiciously at Google the whole time.
"You are an insane monster who can murder a man without even hesitating, an admirable trait in my opinion." The assassin scrubs a stain off the kitchen counter. "But...you have a personal life outside of that."
"Of course I do. What? Do people think I spend my every waking moment committing vicious crimes and nefarious plots?" I drawl sarcastically. Google looks at me quickly before going back to her cleaning. "Not...exactly the words I would use but...yes."
"I go grocery shopping. I go to amusement parks....I run a COOKING SHOW!" I groan loudly. "And people STILL don't realize I am a PERSON!"
Google frowns. "I've noticed." She mutters. "But, aren't you a GOD? The Axolotl and Time Baby spend all their existence on their duties. Why don't you?"
I sigh. "I tried. Didn't work. I decided not to bother anymore."
At her questioning look I sighed. "I am a master of the mind. Knowledge is my domain. As soon as I was old enough to traverse the multiverse on my own I sought out life."
It would be my first time telling this to someone. My friends never particularly cared to know my past unless a problem came up. I don't ask about their history and they don't ask about mine.
It wasn't important after all. The present held more significance to me. The past was merely information I can look up if I really wanted to. The present is happening now and once it's passed I can't get it back so I spent my time looking forward.
But I won't deny a part of me has always wanted to talk about it.
"It was hard at first. No life can grow in an empty void. So I created the stars together with Ax." I reminisce fondly. Even if the 3rd Dimension had my energy bouncing around it, the rest of the multiverse had started out rather sparse. Under the direction of Ax and Time Baby, the three of us worked to set things in motion. There was plenty of space that Ax had created. But without energy it was empty. So I poured my power into the well of Existence along with Time Baby and Matter popped into the world. Millions of years would go by as I waited for the multiverse to develop.
"The first life in the multiverse were tiny little single celled organisms. They were alive but they didn't have souls or minds. It took millions of years for REAL sentient life to develop." Google had slowed her movements as she focused more on my words. Xanthar was also listening closely.
"So as a creature of knowledge I appeared before the first species capable of sentient thought to begin my calling of speaking to them, teaching them about the world…and they threw a ROCK at me!" I hissed.
Google stills entirely. "Oh…" she says in realization.
I wasn't paying attention to her any more, angrily caught up in my memories. "I was still young, wasn't very good at controlling my powers. Accidentally killed the guy." I groan and rub my eye. "It was the start of many misunderstandings, mistakes and dead bodies…"
Google watches me quietly. "So...you're not actually an evil god?"
"..." I sighed. "I wasn't supposed to be. I AM a chaos god...but that has nothing to do with evilness…evil is relative anyway." it was so long ago...feels like forever…
I've gotten better control. I still feel guilty whenever I see that hole in that planet...Time Baby doesn't bring it up in conversation but I can still see it. I have been working hard to keep my powers in check. I immediately head to the Nightmare Realm now whenever I feel my control slip. It's all I can do.
Xanthar comes up and hugs me. I go limp in his embrace, sad but also somewhat relieved I could finally get that off my chest. All my stupid mistakes kept piling up until I just...stopped caring about being 'good'. It wasn't worth it.
And with Time Baby's jobs being nothing but awful, terrible things...there was no way to salvage my reputation. So I stopped trying. It was easier to be a bad person. I've been so much happier since I stopped trying to be good.
That's why I can't stand it when people try to tell me I'm a good person. It's not true and I don't want it to be true. Being good is worthless. I shivered in Xanthar's arms. Google makes an embarrassed sound. "So...uh...do you just...spill your heart out to anyone who asks?" She says awkwardly.
"Pretty much." I chirp cheerfully as my mood does a 180° (I was upset, now I'm not. Simple.) and I pat Xanthar. "Thanks for holding me until I got over myself." I nuzzle him lovingly. He's gotten pretty good at just holding me while I ride out my mood swings.
He lets go of me and I float off to finish cleaning the table while humming cheerfully. Google remains quiet as she scrubs. We clean through most of the rooms before Hec wakes up hungry and I whip up a quick lunch for all of us. Pan fried ramlettes for Hec and myself, soup ramen for Google and leftover soup for Xanthar. Google watches me cook with a contemplative look on her face.
As I place the bowl in front of her, Google finally speaks. "You cooked my meal with boiling water instead of in the pan like you did for the red man." She narrows her eyes at me. "Why?"
"Because you prefer liquid based meals." I shrug as I sit down to eat my own ramlette. She looks down at her bowl. "I would ask how you knew my prefrences...but as everyone says, you know everything…" she mumbles as she picks up a fork to begin eating.
"I don't know EVERYTHING. I know LOTS of things." I glance at her and consider my options before shrugging and shifting into my William form. I want to enjoy tasting my ramelette. Google goes shock still as I swing my legs happily and eat my lunch.
"W-w-w-wha?!"
Hectorgon and Xanthar were both watching Google closely. I ignore her, purring happily at the flavor of my meal. Mmm~adding dill was definitely a good idea~
Google stares at me "You...can shapeshift?" She finally manages to say. "Yeah?" I mumble with a fork in my mouth "I shapeshift all the time. You've seen me change color..."
"No I mean...you...can shapeshift!" She looks frantic. I stare at her "Why do people always make such a big deal over what I can do?" I roll my eye and go back to my food. She makes a frustrated noise. "I'm just...distressed, that apparently everything I know about you is wrong."
"You and most of the multiverse." Hectorgon mutters. He settled back on his chair and ate his meal. "Most information about Bill is being spread by the Federation propaganda and the Federation lies. They want a public enemy to unite against. They hide their own issues by diverting people's attention to 'demons' and other threats. Bill's not the only demon being villainized but she is the most misunderstood one."
I shrug. "Not ALL of their warnings about me are incorrect. I was a real loose canon when I was younger. I've mellowed out over the years."
Google was quietly contemplative for the rest of the day. I write up a list of chores for her to do and post it on her door. "The house is usually pretty clean anyway so you don't have to do everything everyday. Just tidy up stuff you see and...otherwise you're free to do what you want within reason."
"Can I still do my job? My real job?" She asks. I sigh. "If you can move about out there without being gunned down by the Federation then sure. I'm won't stop you from leaving if you must but tell me or someone else first so they can escort you through the teleporter." She won't get far, her Deal ensured she would eventually come back.
"And what's to stop me from spilling any secrets about you that I've learned?" She tested. Bold of her to assume anything she's learned would be useful to my enemies. I can shapeshift, big whoop. Not like that's anything earth shattering. I just can't use my Jan, Miz or Xin forms around her. That's not difficult.
Speaking of Miz, I haven't hung out with Jessie in a while and I HAD been considering discussing my problems with her. As embarrassing as it would be. Also, she might have some pointers for securing my mind against intrusion.
I settled against Xanthar that night in my William form to try and sleep. He was always so soft and warm.
I check that my artificial Dreamscape was in place before relaxing into slumber. Just for a little while I can forget about my worries.
---