---
Wanting to see if my Earth was any closer to getting my own set of mystery twins, I went to check on it.
What. The. Duck. Is that?!
I stare incredulously at the pyramid shaped dinosaur. Seriously. The fuck? It didn't look natural at all. I flickered and traced it's origin point to...
A tear in reality.
A tiny rip between the 3rd dimension and the Nightmare Realm that had opened up a few centuries back. It was small and it sealed over as the veil grew back after a few weeks but it was enough to allow a few of the weird things that formed out of my blood to escape into the 3rd dimension. I do remember some pyramid turtle creatures that got created a while back. Either way, the original beasts that escaped onto the Earth somehow began mating with the dinosaurs here and created these...things.
A dinosaur that looked like a pyramid? What even?!
As odd as it was, they looked so silly I couldn't take them seriously. I possessed one easily enough and laughed hysterically as I stampede along the ground. This is so STUPID! I LOVE it!
I cackled to myself as I stomped around. I was bigger than all the other dinosaurs. Take THAT t-rex! Who's the king now?! Stupid piece of shit bird-wannabe!
I may be slightly salty about another dinosaur I once possessed a few years back getting eaten by a t-rex...with me still inside. It was quite the traumatic experience. I wanted to go find a t-rex to show off my impressive new body but sadly, I was currently on the continent of what would be Africa while the damn Rex was in the USA. Pangaea broke up and I was still figuring out which continents were what. Curse you geography!!!
I quickly grew bored and slid out of the body, the Pyramisaurus (I came up with the name on the spot) stumbling in confusion before going back to it's peaceful life, business as usual. You know, been a while since I possessed a t-rex...
A quick flight to America ensued. It was strange to see the world blur around me as I shot off at high speed, flying through the mindscape. I wish there was wind or air here. It would have been nice to feel the breeze rushing past me as I flew.
Instead there was only the same stillness I've grown used to. Muted sound. Muted colors. No way of touching the world around me. I sighed. Flying over the ocean wasn't fun if I couldn't dip my hand in to make waves. It's no fun if I can't splash into the water. I felt the irritation swell inside me and mimed a few deep breaths. Calm. Calm. I'm here to relax, not get worked up. I considered what I had learned from the other Bill but while it was a valid idea, throw some helpless sap into the 3rd Dimension and make a Deal with them…no doubt it would call Time Baby's attention onto me and I don't want to deal with that.
I possessed a fish and allowed myself some fun leaping out of the water and falling back in with a splash. Momentum. Weight. Muscles and sinew working to produce movement. How wonderful was that?
I twisted my little fish body around, cheering internally. Body's are amazing! The downside was they got too tired to hold me. The fish collapsed from exhaustion and I was flung out of its body. I blinked in confusion for a bit, disoriented before shrugging and flying the rest of the way over the ocean.
Half the reason I had trouble telling places apart was the higher oceans flooding the land and making the continents shaped differently than I remember. The inland oceans would retreat or dry off eventually. This water planet would get more land as more volcanoes erupted and the plates shifted.
A dynamic planet full of miracles.
Most planets I've seen in the multiverse fell into one of a few groups.
The stagnant planets (according to me) in which nothing happens. They don't have extreme weather, the climate is fair and their planet doesn't have random explosions of molten rock from deep within it's crust and massive teutonic shifts.
The dynamic planets in which weather was extreme and dangerous and pretty much life couldn't form properly unless it was just as dangerous. Acid rain, diamond rain, glass rain...radioactive rain...
There were some Earth-like planets with mild to extreme climates that supported life. Carbon based life was prominent in many places throughout the multiverse. At least in the dimensions with a physics similar to the 3rd dimension where Carbon atoms can so readily link with other stuff.
Some dimensions had entirely different physics than what I know. I essentially had to change how I do stuff in order to effect changes in those dimensions. It's like instead of building with Lego blocks I need to use silly putty. Or fingers.
I shuddered at the dimension where air molecules were made out of fingers. So glad I don't need to breathe. I DID need goggles to keep my eye from being poked.
What I'm trying to say is, weird is relative. Normal is relative. Nothing is set in stone (especially in dimensions where stone is gelatinous goop covered in beating hearts) so trying to rate planets and dimensions by a 'normal' model for existence was an exercise in futility. Normal doesn't exist. Weirdness is universal.
And Earth was a beautiful, wondrous weird planet that I loved with all my being. I sighed happily to myself as I fly around looking for a t-rex. There weren't enough triangles here. I have to look for everything manually. I should make more triangles here. I wonder if I could adjust the DNA of the hosts I possess? Make more things like those Pyramid-saurus or something.
I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I felt...a tingle. Time was being pulled taut and snapping back into place. I know this feeling. A Time Agent? Here? I looked around from where I was perched on a large tree and saw the flash of a time warp. Two screaming children showed up and were immediately attacked by a nearby dino before they disappeared again.
I blinked.
Was that just...
Well.
I guess this was proof that this really is the Gravity Falls world. An Earth where Dipper and Mabel were born. I felt a strange giddy feeling wash through me. Gravity Falls is real and it was coming.
I could hardly wait.
Actually...did I even HAVE to wait? I considered the idea the other Bill had suggested. It would call too much attention if I tossed someone through a portal but what about people already here? I peered around. The Federation workers were still up there in that fake moon. They were bored as shit the last I checked.
If there's one thing I know, its that boredom will make people want to do ANYTHING to relieve it. Shouldn't be that hard to convince one of them for a...small Deal...
---
Ok...
That...did not work like I thought it would...
I stared down at the dinosaurs trapped in tree sap. (Or rather...a sap and peanut brittle mix...) Well...I fucked up. And it had started so well too...
It wasn't hard to convince a half asleep officer to agree to give me a puppet that was capable of channeling my power in exchange for a video game console. I wore his body as he slept and beamed down to the planet. The main problem now was that my powers were still being bound somewhat. I couldn't pull and manipulate the atoms in the air. The 'plastic' was still there. I grabbed at it in frustration.
Ok, so my usual methods obviously wouldn't work here. I fumed angrily as I stomped around planet side, waving my hands and screaming as I couldn't get stuff to do what I wanted. What did Seb say about this? He just makes fire and makes stuff float?
But HOW? How does he do it? Obviously there WAS a way to use my powers in the 3rd dimension. Seb did it. The other Bill did it. Actually...
I sat on a rock and racked my mind in thought. Pulling at reality through sheer force of will wasn't working. But it's not the only way to twist reality.
Magic.
I know about magic. A lot of the known multiverse used magic. The thing is, magic required more work for me to use as opposed to my natural ability to pull on the world. Part of this was due to just how many different kinds of magic there were. Much like how runes/symbols and certain words/sounds were capable of redirecting reality, people have found all sorts of different ways to twist reality to their will.
I got a stick from a nearby tree and start drawing symbols into the ground. Ugh, this was so tedious and time consuming. No wonder most magic users used a focus for channeling their energy through. Drawing out the magical equations took forever!
It only took 5 minutes but I was an impatient demon. Plus, I didn't have much time to mess around before this guy's partner got off his lunch break and went to go find him. I muttered to myself as I wrote out my calculations, rune based magic used a lot of them. I looked at the scribbles around me. Part of me felt like I was severely lacking in my studies since I never bothered to practice magic.
Never had a need to, since I could do everything I needed without it.
Well...time to see if this worked.
The explosion was quite spectacular.
The resulting angry, flaming dinosaurs...less so.
One thing led to another and after searing off their feathers and running away in a panic as the angry dinos chased me down, I was clinging to a tall tree and scraping more runes into the bark as they circled me. There were a strange variety of them and frankly I'm certain many of them were evolved from the Weirdness leaking into the 3rd dimension because they were angrier than normal animals.
So one exploding tree later, I had effectively trapped them all and was able to escape back to the satellite. I dropped off my puppet none worse for the wear (I mean...he had a bunch of mystery bruises but whatever...) and made a note to myself to practice with magic more.
Even if it was annoying and tedious.
Yes I do realize the inherent irony of finding magic more tedious than manually piecing together atoms like Lego blocks.
Well, that was my exciting Earth trip for this century...
---
I was going to have a talk with Pynelope about whether she needed help finding friends (couldn't keep putting this off) but I was distracted by 8-Ball crying in the hallway leading to the exercise room. I installed it years ago for Keyhole when he expressed an interest in body building and we all enjoyed using it for recreational purposes. "8-Ball? What's wrong?" I asked as I floated over.
He sniffed and wiped gloopy blue liquid from his eyes. "P-Pynelope hit me..." He whimpered. I gasp. "What?! What happened?!" I rubbed soothing triangles on his back as I checked him for injuries. I spot the mild singe mark on his cheek. His shoulders shook as he cried. "S-she...she said she wanted to ask my eyes something...and...I think she didn't like the answer..."
"What did she ask?" I laid my small black hand on his cheek and healed the burn. He sniffles before answering. "She wanted to know if some guy named Vicugna was lying to her. I don't know what my eyes responded but she wasn't h-happy about it..."
I frown. Upset or not, I thought I'd taught Pynelope better than this. She hit 8-Ball. We don't hit our friends or family. I made that clear to the twins growing up once their rough play sessions started injuring the others. They're Pyronica's kids after all, they're incredibly strong. Once they were old enough to reason with I started teaching them that they had to be careful. Paci and 8-Ball were good for rough housing but only if they ask first.
But this? I couldn't tell yet if this was an unconscious emotional strike from frustration or a deliberate attack. I give 8-Ball's head a gentle hug. "I'm gonna go talk to her. Do you need anything? A treat?"
"....I've always wanted to try a Devil Dog..." He asks hopefully with a lopsided pout, his teeth jutting out. I giggle and scratch behind his ears. "Alright~I'll see what I can do buddy."
I gave him one last pat before floating off to Pynelope's room. Looks like I have more to discuss with her than I thought.
---
"-oid Genessa! I'm not gonna let you copy my homework...of course I know you need the 100! Look, maybe if you spent more time studying instead of pulling that fake pregnancy scam on your boyfriend-"
I could hear Pynelope complaining loudly on her communicator with...someone as I came up to her room. I knocked on the door loudly and she groans. "Hold on, it's probably one of my uncles..." I hear her walk over to the door and her bored expression turns to surprise. "Bill?"
"Hey Nelope, do you have time to talk?" I asked. She turns to her communicator "Genessa, I'm gonna need to call you back." She hangs up and fidgets. "Sure? What about?"
"May I come in?" I asked and she steps out of the way so I could float inside. Pynelope kept her room neat and tidy (not by cleaning but because anything that wasn't 'hers' was simply incinerated), unlike her brother who's got his underwear tossed everywhere (unlike most male Cyclopian, he actually needed to wear underwear…it was super awkward when he started puberty…) I sat on one of her chairs and she took a seat on her bed. I sighed. "So, do you know why I'm here?"
"Um...no? Wait, are you here to ask me to tell you about boys because I'll have you know that's not gonna end well."
"I found 8-Ball crying in the hall." I said bluntly.
It takes her a few seconds but then recognition spreads across her expression and she winces. "I didn't think I hit him THAT hard..." I fold my arms "You shouldn't have hit him at all. What the heck Nelope?"
"I got mad ok?!" She protested "It was just a light slap..."
"A slap that left burns. Nelope, you're growing up, your flame is stronger, you have to be careful. It was fine when you were kids because you didn't know any better but you DO now...I hope?" I squint at her and she frowns stubbornly. "Well I didn't mean to! I'm sorry ok?!" She cries, annoyed. I shook my head. "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." She sighs but I don't let up "Nelope, go find 8-Ball and apologize."
"Ugh~fine~" she moans dramatically and gets up, dragging her feet dramatically to the door. She passes Teeth in the hall and my Mouth friend looks at me with a curious expression in his jaw when I followed close behind her. "What's up with Nelope?"
"I'm making her apologize to 8-Ball for hitting him." I say matter of factly. Pynelope groans loudly in annoyance. "It doesn't matter how mad you are sweetie, you still can't hit people unless they trigger Agro first." I chirp.
"I knoooow~" she groans.
After her (mostly) sincere apology to 8-Ball, I followed her back to her room. "What now Bill?" She huffs.
"We haven't really had a chance to just talk for a while." I say quietly. "You're always shut in your room studying or on your com-phone. I miss spending time with you."
She groans and slumps back on her bed. "Well I'm already 60 years old Bill. I've got my own life."
"What? Am I not hip and cool enough to hang out with?" I grin mischievously as she covers her face and whines "Oh my void please don't say that...it's so cringe..."
"I'll have you know I invented that term. And most things actually..." I giggled "You know ThemTube only exists because I put the idea in someone's head to do so?"
"Yeah I know. You're older than dirt and made everything happen~" she rolls her eye at me. The gall!
"How've you been? Emotionally and socially speaking? I'm still not gonna apologize for what happened to your last boyfriend by the way."
She scoffs. "I'm doing fine. I notice Pyrone's got some friends now. He looks happy, please don't chase them off."
"No worries, I approve of them." I shrugged. "How about you? Pyrone mentioned that he had trouble making friends...what about you?"
"I've got friends. I don't need you micromanaging my social life Bill." She groans. I frown at her. "If you mean those girls I saw you with during the party...you know they're planning to backstab you the instant you stop being useful to them?"
"Of course I know. I'm not stupid." She picks at her claws. "But I'm using them too so it's a mutual thing."
"...you hate them all." I deadpan. She grins wickedly. "Duh! But that doesn't mean I can't still hang out with them right?"
"Why would you want to hang out with people you don't like?!" I fret. "Don't you want REAL friends?"
"I don't need them. Everyone at school's a fucking dumbass anyway."
"Language, young lady."
"You swear worse than a drunk space pirate Bill." She lids her eye at me "So I don't think you have any right to say anything." I know she's right but that doesn't mean I can't complain about it.
"But...don't you get lonely?" I asked quietly. Her expression softens. "Bill, it's fine. I don't need to be friends with my peers. I already have you and everyone else. Kryptos is more intelligent conversation than any of my teachers!"
"Well he's planning to BE a teacher someday." I smile proudly. "Or a scientist. He hasn't really decided yet." Though from what I've seen in his daydreams, his real desire was to study his own powers and try to mimic what I do with mine.
I probably shouldn't find Kryptos's god-complex so endearing...
"So. You're okay? You're not lonely?" I asked, still worried. Pynelope sighs. "Aside from my unfortunate lack of a boyfriend, I have no issues. I'm not like Pyrone. I'm fine on my own so long as I know you guys are here." Seeing my downcast expression, she sighs and grabs my leg to tug me closer. "Look, Pyrone is the type who needs to be around other kids. I prefer more mature company. My classmates are immature and awful. I really don't care for any of them."
She pulled me down to nuzzle into my plane. "So you don't have to worry about me. Not for friends at least." She gives me a resigned look "But if I keep having trouble with boys, I may need you to..." She shudders "...help me find a boyfriend."
"...you sure you don't want me to make you a construct? I mean..."
Pynelope flushes dark red and groans. "No Bill!"
"I mean, are you looking for someone to date or do you plan to fuck? It's a legitimate question." I protest. "I still think you should wait at least 20 more years but if you REALLY want to try it out at least use protection..."
She buries her face in a pillow and screams.
Once she was done she sighs. "You're not gonna leave me alone till I answer huh?"
I grin at her. She rolls over on her bed and sighs again. "Why do you have to be so nosy?"
"I'll have you know I don't HAVE a nose." I scoff. She rolls her eye. Technically she didn't have a nose either. "Well...if this is the only way for me to get a boyfriend..." She rolls onto her back and glances at me. "So...I do want to fuck someone. But I don't want to mate with them so I'm not gonna eat them. There aren't any other Cyclopians at school besides my brother anyway."
She scowls. "But even when I tell people that, the boys STILL think I'm gonna eat them. And the few times I FINALLY convince a guy they're safe from me, YOU end up killing them because the only guys willing to approach me are fucking assholes!!" She rants.
"...and rapists." I added unhelpfully. The look she sends me would have reduced lesser creatures to ash. As it were, I couldn't help laughing. I know it wasn't really funny but I couldn't help myself. I composed myself, right, serious talk now.
"Is that why you got so mad that 8-Ball predicted some boy lied to you?"
"Yeah. He's one of the few nice guys in my class. I asked if he liked me and apparently he was only answering 'yes' because he's scared to say 'no'. And I'm not gonna force him to be with me." She grumbles. "But I guess it's official, only terrible people are willing to go out with me."
She looks more angry than upset, which is good? Still, I felt I had to reassure her anyway. "There's no way that's true. You're a wonderful girl and nuts to anyone who can't see that." She rolls her eye. "That's great but I still can't get a date to the dance."
"Why is this so important?" I asked.
"You're gonna tell me it's stupid." She mutters.
"Even if it is, I'll still hear you out first." I giggle. She gives me a light punch while grinning fondly. "You're such a dick sometimes!" She laughs.
She pulls me forward and hugs me to herself like a stuffed animal. A pointy stuffed animal. I rumble softly as she grips my sides and her smile drops. "I'm gonna preface this by saying that it's not entirely your fault and I don't blame you."
"???"
"Growing up as Bill Cipher's kid is hard. I know uncle Ammy's your son but he never had to go through school or be around people." She gently gripped one of my tiny hands and played with it, tugging it and watching it stretch and spring back. "People talk about us behind our backs and to our face. People try to kidnap us. People have preconceived opinions about us."
I tried hard not to feel guilty but I wasn't really succeeding.
"Pyrone takes it hard. He's always wanted friends his own age. I never really cared. They're all idiots so why should I sink to their level just to fit in? I know Pyrone purposely flubs his schoolwork, he's not an idiot."
"I KNEW it!" I hissed. I knew there had to be a reason why Pyrone was doing so much worse than his sister in school. I home schooled them both when they were younger, I knew better than anyone how intelligent my little Icepack was.
"Well the upside is that no one directly messes with us or mistreated us. They wouldn't DARE to. But it still made school life...difficult." She grips my sides a little tighter. "And for the most part I didn't care. I'm BETTER than them. Why should I care how they feel about me?"
She deflates a little, slumping over me. "But it gets annoying that they aren't fearing or respecting me, for ME. None of that respect is given to ME. They fear YOU." I feel her lips curl into a pout against my back "I don't like that. I want them to aknowlege me for ME."
"...how does that play into this dance you want to go to?" I asked.
"It's a masquerade. With perception filters." She said simply. "And there's gonna be a contest to decide the king and queen of the school. I want to enter and I want to WIN. With the filters in place, no one will know who I am. I can EARN their respect under my OWN power and efforts."
I hummed. "Well. I'm just gonna say, this is not stupid. It's not stupid that you want to do this or that you feel this way. So...do you need a date to go to the dance?"
"I need a date to enter the contest with me." She sighs. "And Vicugna was my last hope but I can't work with soneone who doesn't want to participate."
I had an idea. An awful idea. A terrible, horrible, awful idea.
"Do you want me to pretend to be your date for the dance?"
She picks me up, turns me around and gives me the most 'Hell NO' expression I've seen in my life. "I'm not THAT desperate." She growls.
"I won't go as myself! You know I can Shapeshift!" I protest. She shook her head. "No way. Not happening. Bad enough you snuck into our sweet 60th birthday party, I absolutely will NOT let you come to my school dance!"
"But...but...ThermiePack~" I whined as I kicked my little legs. She doesn't let up her glare. "Don't you ThermiePack me! I'm not 37 years old anymore!"
"But you need a date don't you?" I stared at her innocently. She bares her teeth in a scowl. "No. I will literally ask out every male, female, hermaphrodite and asexed kid in my school before resorting to you."
I couldn't help but tease her "Too embarrassed by me huh?" She flicks one of my corners. "Worse than embarrassing. You better NOT come to dance. I swear I will literally kill you."
Death threats shouldn't be so funny but I was in hysterics, laughing wildly as Pynelope glared harder at me. "Ahaha! Killing me! Hahaha oh Ax my sides!" Pynelope deliberately drops me, eliciting a short yelp of surprise but I managed to catch myself before hitting the ground. If I had a heart it would be pounding. I hated the sensation of falling.
"I'm serious Bill. Don't come to the dance, don't spy on the dance, if you do I will never forgive you. This is my chance. I want to do this on my own." I float back up and look at her expression. She really WAS serious. This really meant a lot to her.
"Alright. I won't interfere with the actual dance. But I will help you find a partner." I cross my arms and huff. She sighs but accepts my terms. (HAH! We haven't shook on it!) "There's no real restriction on sex. The king and queen of the dance can be any combination of male, female or other."
"Do you have any preference? You DO still need to date them after all."
Pynelope shrugs. "I'm fine with anything to be honest."
"Got it. So...do you want me to come to school with you to find someone-" she didn't look thrilled at the idea. "Why do you need to come to school with me?" She moans.
"Well it's easier to scan people when I'm there in person, though, if you want, I can be invisible and speak to you telepathically. Just go to the people you have your eye on and I'll tell you if they're acceptable."
She groans in annoyance but finally agrees. "Just don't use your freaky mind powers to make them agree to be my date."
I make a dramatic gasp. "My little ThermalPack, I have NEVER used my powers to mess with free will. I can manipulate people emotionally or physically or even break them mentally but I do NOT sink that low."
She pursed her lips and stares me down to try and pick out if I was serious. Finally she relaxes and smiles. "Alright. I guess you can follow me to school and judge my classmates. But DON'T show yourself or kill anyone."
"Fine~do you want this as a Deal?" I asked. She shook her head. "Naw, Deals are dangerous and I don't want to mess with another one." Fair enough. Well, I've got a way to help Pynelope now so that's good. A part of me was giddy to see what her school day was like. The twins forbid me from spying on them around the time they turned 50...something about how I was embarrassing them...
I float off and wonder if I could sneakily help Pynelope win the contest before realizing she would be pissed if I did that. Ugh...parenting is hard. Part of me still feels like I've ruined their lives. They say they don't blame me. But I still blame myself.
My hand twitches and I got another hungry urge to stab myself with something, to punish myself in some way for this. They won't give me the judgment I rightfully deserve so I'll need to do it myself. I know it's not a good habit but it makes me feel better, besides, I heal fast. It's not a problem. I shiver as the itch grows worse. Welp, time for a trip to the Nightmare Realm to tear myself apart until I feel better.
It's what I deserve.
Something as awful as me shouldn't be allowed to get off Scott free for his crimes. I need to hurt. I need to be smashed apart. I need to bleed.
I ignore the small voice that says I was just finding an excuse to hurt myself because it feels good.
---
It shouldn't be normal to feel refreshed after tearing my bricks open and leaking my energy out into the Nightmare Realm. It shouldn't be, but it was.
I felt so much lighter and calmer. At first I was worried about my growing addiction to self harm but it's not like it leaves any permanent damage and it feels great! I've gotten it down to an art form where it doesn't even hurt in the bad way. Ax's avatar gives me sad looks, somehow he can always tell when I've bled myself out. I know he doesn't approve but he sees how much it calms me and allows it, within reason.
He actually made a few ground rules for my sessions. I can't hurt myself more than once per century. I have to go stay with him for a few weeks after every session so he can make sure I'm ok. Then there was the last rule which was somewhat embarrassing. I wasn't allowed to masturbate while in pain. Ax insisted that I should not allow those two things to become synonymous in my head. Something about awful habits down the line. I mean, I have never done that and I have no desire to but Ax made it a Rule anyway.
Do the other Bills do that? The ones who were capable of sexual stimulation at least? Did the other AXOLOTL have to watch that with their Bills? Um...yeah, I can see why dad doesn't want me to turn out like them. Frankly, Ax doesn't want me hurting myself at all but I couldn't help it...
I get to alleviate the guilt I feel while also feeling good. Two birds, one sharp rock driven deeply into my plane until my bricks crack open and dear lord it hurts so much. It was more efficient than angsting to myself for months or years. This way, if I'm upset, I can scream and stab myself until I feel better. It takes barely 10 minutes. Way more efficient. Ax says I really need a therapist.
He's not wrong.
I didn't want to dump this on Jessie though so I haven't really spoken to her about it. I guess I was embarrassed by my guilty pleasure. Regardless though, I've successfully calmed myself so I should be good to go on helping Pynelope find a date.
---
"Why are you here?" Pynelope sighs. I shrugged, wearing Yun's form as I walked beside her and Pyrone through the halls of the school. "I know you wanted me invisible and stuff but like...it's been so long since I've been to school. Kinda curious if anything's changed since Keyhole graduated."
"Won't you get in trouble if the teachers realize you're not a student?" Pynelope asks. I laugh. "Naw~I'm wearing a perception filter." I raise one of my hands to show the bracelet. "People can see me but they don't pay attention unless I talk to them first."
Pyrone laughs. "That sounds cool actually." He was gonna say more but Beez comes up and Pyrone lights up. "Hey Beez!" The two chat happily. Pyrone waves bye to me and Pynelope as he heads off to his homeroom. I wave cheerfully. "I'm glad he found friends."
Pynelope smiles. "Me too."
We went through the day checking out boys and girls and everything else in our search for a date. It sounds weird when I put it like that...
We made a list of people who were acceptable (ie, decent people) and Pynelope asked them out. Most seemed too afraid to accept or accepted because they were afraid. A few only considered it after Pynelope explained that this was only so she could enter the contest. Considered and ultimately turned her down.
She snarled in frustration and kicked the table we were sitting at during lunch. I quickly fixed the dents. So many dents. "Why is this so HARD?!" She screeches. I tut in disapproval "You really have Ronica's temper."
"Shove it, I'm allowed to be mad! This is ridiculous! No one in this stupid school is willing to go to the dance with me."
I considered it before asking gently "You haven't asked Beez."
"Who?" She asks.
I face palm. That poor kid really is ignored by everyone huh? "Pyrone's friend? You saw him this morning?"
It takes a few seconds for recognition to hit her. "Oh! That guy." She pouts "But he's so...unremarkable and forgettable. How am I supposed to win with HIM as my date?"
"Well wouldn't that just be the ultimate test of your abilities?" I grinned "Or are you not confidant you can win despite the odds?"
Her competitive side reared its head and she growled. "I can win no matter WHO my partner is!" I clapped delightfully. Pynelope gets up from the lunch table we were sitting at, determination etched on her features. "Alright! Time to go find Beez and convince him to be my date for the dance!"
"...you DO know he's been sitting here this whole time right?" I asked as I looked to my left at where the timid demon was whimpering with his ears drooped down. That was when Pyrone came back carrying the lunch trays, having offered to get food for us.
"Guys! They have pizzta today~" he sings cheerfully before taking in the sight of his sister groaning and me giving Beez a comforting pat on the back as he made sad puppy noises. "Did I miss something?" He asks.
---
Despite the issues, Beez DID in fact take Pynelope up on her offer. He wanted to win too "Maybe then people will notice me!" And the two were off discussing battle strategies. Pyrone sat beside me and sighed. "I don't see why this is so important."
"Well they want to prove something to both themselves and the rest of your school." I sipped on my juice pack with a slurping sound. "Are you gonna go to the dance?" I asked him.
He nods. "I invited Flora to come with me as a friend. She seemed thrilled. Bibbity isn't coming, apparently their homework is having a festival on that day."
I sighed. "I wish I could go. But ThermalPack forbid me from sneaking in..."
Pyrone rolls his eye. "Like that's gonna stop you? Come on B-Yun, I've known you my whole life and if there is one thing I know, you're stubborn and pushy. If you really wanted to come there's nothing that can stop you." He finished his can of void cola and crushed it against his head before tossing it behind him into the recycle bin without looking.
Beez's eyes were practically sparkling as he watched the can land inside the bin with a clatter. "You're sooo cool!!!" He squeals. Pyrone shrugs. "Bill makes me an' Pynelope do precision and combat training every year ever since we were almost kidnapped as children. I can shoot the eyes off a Centifup at 10 meters while blindfolded."
Beez continued fanboying and I giggled at the look on his face. Such a sweet child. A quick glance at Pynelope showed she had a note-screen out and was writing down a training regime to put Beez through in preparation for the dance. "Hey Bi-Yun? Can Beez come over to our place and use our training rooms?"
"Sure." I finished off my lunch and started gathering trays, stacking them neatly before carrying them off to the Return Tray window. Along the way I readjusted the other trays that the students stacked haphazardly, sliding them around so everything was neat. When I began fixing the napkin dispensers as well, Pynelope dragged me away. "Stop cleaning. We have janitors for that."
"But...but..." I whined as she pulls me away. I wave good bye sadly to the mess and allowed her to drag me back to class.
---
Inviting Beez over to the Death Star was easy. Getting him to actually come over was the hard part.
"S-so Bill Cipher won't...like...threaten me or twist my arms backward right?" He whimpers.
I was back in my triangle form and invisible as I followed them. Pyrone laughs. "No way. Bill actually likes you. You'll be fine. Now come on, my sis says she wants to know how well you dance."
I left them to their thing and decided to make some snacks for them. Nothing calms people down like delicious treats after all. I materialized back into the visible spectrum in the kitchen and set to work on making shumai. I hummed happily to myself as I ground up the meat and veggies into a paste for stuffing the wontons with.
My bowtie chose that moment to buzz and I groaned in annoyance before absently splitting myself in half and sending the other me to go deal with that. I went back to my cooking while I went to meet with my client.
That's when I received an alert from one of Xin's shrines. I focused my gaze on it to see my worshipers begging for my assistance. Their planet was being invaded by some large insect-like creatures from space. Well fuck I need to deal with this too. I can't let planet F4R-m fall. I've worked way too hard helping them grow enough crops to support their galaxy. The trade routes alone took me centuries to establish!
Not to mention that entire sector would starve without the high output of food F4R-m produces (with my help of course!)
I split myself again, sending Xin onto the planet in full angry god mode, thunder and lighting striking down any enemy ships in sight.
I refuse to lose the planet I cultivated rice on! It took so long for me to manipulate the genomes of their grass and grain plants to make rice! My hard work finally paid off so I could buy rice in stores!
Do you have any idea how tedious it is to create rice manually?! There are so many kernels. So many!
Xin snarls as he swipes a hand through the air, the wind shifting with his motion to down another spacecraft. Try and invade MY garden will you?! I can feel the Awe pouring off Xin's worshippers as they cheered. It certainly felt nice to be appreciated.
Meanwhile, far away on the other side of the universe, Bill was listening to a Pladibear smuggler ask for information on the Federation patrol ships in the area she was trying to sneak her cargo through. "Look, these are genuine painite gems! I went through a LOT to get them and I won't be caught now!" She curled her tail around the briefcase as her many eyes dart around suspiciously.
I roll mine in annoyance. "I get it. Well this is simple enough. I know the Federation patrol schedule like the back of your head."
She blinks her eyes non-synched in confusion. "Don't you mean the back of your hand?"
I laugh in her face. "No. No I didn't." I wave my hand and materialize a star chart to distract her from the subject. "Now I've got all the routes organized by time, date and even CREW for each patrol ship that's assigned to this quadrant of the FiOS-system..."
She lunges for the map, I easily move it out of her reach. "...but the question remains, what'll you give me in return?"
She snarls as many of her eyes turn red and begin whining like a charging laser weapon, which was what they were. "Or I could just TAKE it from you."
"Trust me, neither of us are gonna be happy with that outcome and I can PROMISE that this'll hurt you more than it'll hurt me."
"You can't have any of my jewels!" She clutches the bag possessively. I sigh. "Lady, I don't want them. What would I even do with some shiny rocks? No, I want something more precious." I considered what I could ask her for in return. I couldn't really think of anything at the moment so on a whim I joked and said "Like 15 years off your total lifespan, or your first born child or something like that~"
"First born child! Got it! Deal!" She cries out and grabs my hand.
"Wait what?!" I couldn't stop my powers from reacting as my flame flares down my arm and I felt the Deal settle inside me. She snatches the map from my limp fingers and eagerly opens it to begin reading through, tracing the routes with a flipper and muttering to herself. I blink incredulously.
"Did you just?!"
The Bill back home on the Death Star face palmed. "Fuck."
Xin paused in the middle of electrocuting another ship. "Seriously?!"
"What? I've got plenty of kids. Not sure which one's my first born, just grab whichever one you want." The smuggler says absently as she draws out which would be the best path. I narrow my eye at her. "Do you seriously not care? I'm going to take one of your children."
"One less mouth to feed." She replies simply.
"What if I eat them?" I threaten quietly.
She remained unmoved. "Do what you want. They're yours now."
I barely held myself back from stabbing half her eyes out. Instead I turn and Blink away to her home, a small apartment in the slums of Jeng-82 to claim my payment. Well if she doesn't want her kid then fuck her. It's not the first I've seen of parents abandoning their young, in fact it's depressingly common.
But her flippant attitude pissed me off. You know what? I'm GLAD I get her kid. She obviously doesn't give a fuck about them. I appear in the dirty, dark apartment. If she makes it to her fence and sells off those gems she would be able to afford a better place. I can understand that much. But STILL!
I hear frightened squeaks as a dozen small round aliens waddle away quickly and hid themselves. I sighed and scanned to see which was the first born. "Eenie meenie miney YOU!" And snatched up the one trying unsuccessfully to hide behind the couch. It squeals in fear. My hard gaze softens and I adjust my hold to be more gentle.
"Shh~shh~it's ok. I'm not gonna hurt you." I send out calming waves until it settles down and stares at me, wary but no longer afraid. "W-what are you gonna do to me?" It whimpers.
"Funny story, your mother just sold you to me in exchange for some information. Not all that important. The point is that you kinda belong to me now so I'm surprise adopting you."
The pladibear looked so confused but I tucked it under my arm and Blinked home. The Bill in the kitchen folding the wontons into dumplings made an annoyed sound. "I can't believe you surprise adopted another person. Pyronica's gonna be pissed."
"It's not my fault! I didn't think that crazy bitch would take me up on my joke!" Other Bill complains while placing our newest child onto a stool. "Hey kid, what's your name?"
"Quackers..." The kid says quietly, staring back and forth at the two Mes in confusion. We fuse back together and I sigh. Well, I should probably break the news to the rest of the family. Xin was almost done taking down the invaders. Their smoldering ships littered the ground, 'miraculously' falling to areas where they didn't harm any people or farmland.
Xin dusted off his hands and floated down to the ground, the rainstorm clearing back into a sunny sky as he floats a few feet off the ground. (I don't have shoes and I really don't want to step on the mud). My worshippers were bowing before me.
One of them looked up "Oh great nature god, we thank you for your help. Is there anything we can give you in thanks?"
I smile benevolently. "All I wish for, is the growth of life. Tend to your crops. Tend to your families. Prosper. That is all I wish for." The people gaze at me in awe and to be honest, it feels WONDERFUL when people do that. My worshipers as Xin, my fans as Jan, I loved this feeling and I don't want to give it up.
I blinked away from there feeling happy and satisfied. Sure I probably murdered a whole bunch of the invasion force and the few who survived were probably gonna be killed by my worshippers but whatever. I shift, while in-between dimensions, back into my Bill form and appear in front of Pyronica, 8-Ball and Hectorgon out shopping.
"Oh! Hey Bill, what's up?" Pyronica asks. Hectorgon wanted some new electronics and had brought 8-Ball and Pyronica to help him carry it all. I flick my bowtie nervously. "Ok...how would you feel if I said that I may have sort of surpriseadoptedanotherchild?"
They stared at me. "Wut?" 8-Ball scratches his head.
Pyronica sighs. "Did you find another friend?"
I twiddled my fingers "Actually no. I was on a Deal and um...my client gave me her firstborn as payment..."
Hectorgon's jaw dropped and 8-Ball gasps in horror. "She gave you her kid?! That's not cool man!" 8-Ball says sadly. I nod "Unfortunately, she shook my hand before I could refuse." I groan. "So I took Quackers and they're currently with another Me in the kitchen while I prepare snacks and dinner."
Pyronica was rubbing around her eye. "Well...I guess it can't be helped if it was a price from a Deal. What kind of kid is it? How young?"
"They're a pladibear. Around 20 standard galactic years old, barely out of its hatching stage." I explained as I floated along with my friends while they continued shopping. Hectorgon rubs his chin. "I suppose this means we will be raising another kid then."
"I'm sorry for dumping this on you all..." I apologized guiltily. Pyronica scoffs. "It's fine. You like kids. I'm sure you would have surprised adopted some other random kid at some point anyway."
"You're...taking this better than I thought you would." I point out. Pyronica and Hectorgon both shrug. "The twins are growing up, I'm not surprised that you want another child to baby. You really like doing that."
"No I don't!" I protest weakly.
"You like taking care of people. With Kryptos and Keyhole all grown up and the twins being teenagers, you crave another project. Another child to raise and smother with your affections." Hectorgon analyzed.
"Don't psychoanalyze me!!!"
"But it's true..." 8-Ball shrugs. "You have too much love inside you and you give it to anyone and everyone no matter who they are."
"Ew, that sounds gross." I cringe. "And that's not true at all."
The deadpan look they all give me was kinda annoying. "Bill. Name one person you hate." Hectorgon says calmly.
"Time Baby." I reply automatically.
Pyronica scoffs. "The same Time Baby you sent a gift to during Crimbo?"
"W-well it's Crimbo! You're supposed to give presents during that day..." I protest weakly. "And it was a bib! I was making fun of him for still being unable to eat without making a mess all over himself!" He wasn't 3 billion years old anymore, why is he still such a slob?
8-Ball laughs. "I'm not that smart but even I can tell you don't really hate him. You get mad at him, and you don't like him much, but you don't HATE Time Baby. Not really. Not in the way that matters." He scratches his hairy shoulders as he creased his face in thought. "I don't think you truly hate anyone."
I flushed orange. "T-that's not true! I DO hate him! I hate his big fat face!"
Pyronica gave me an unimpressed face. "Well, aside from Time Baby, whom you 'definitely' hate, who else do you hate?" She makes the air quotes while rolling her eye.
I opened my metaphysical mouth to respond and realized I couldn't think of anyone off the tip of my head. I frowned and thought heavily, trying to think of who I might be forgetting. "Um..."
They waited for me patiently. I thought of plenty of people I claimed to hate, the poachers who tore Xanthar's family apart, the people who try to hurt my family, that telemarketer who keeps calling me about my life insurance...I do hate them but I don't HATE them. Not really. I'm annoyed and angered by them but it's not...
I blink in confusion.
"I..." I vibrate in agitation. "I don't know?"
Hectorgon gives me a comforting smile. "You don't TRULY hate anyone. You're...too kind for that. Sure there are plenty of people you hurt or kill but you always have a reason. And half the time you're just striking out emotionally without really thinking. That's anger. Hate is a long term thing and you're incapable of that." He tugs gently on my leg until I float down so he could pat my side. "It's not a bad thing. It means that under all that destruction and chaotic fury, you're a good person."
"But I'm not..." I whisper. Why do my friends keep saying I am? I know for a fact I'm a terrible person. I'm only nice to them because they're my friends. I'm only nice to people for my own reasons, not because I'm altruistic. I've killed countless innocents for their sake. For the sake of my Favors from Time Baby. I can't be a good person if I'm willing to sacrifice entire planets just to selfishly keep a small group of people trapped by my side forever.
I shake my head. "You're wrong. I'm not a good person." Please stop telling me I am. Please stop pretending that a small act of kindness here or there would ever cancel out or justify all the horrible things I've done. Having my friends believe I'm a good person just makes me feel worse about my crimes.
I think Hectorgon could see my growing distress with this line of conversation "Bill..." He opened his mouth, to attempt more reassurances? To try and convince me that his limited understanding was correct? I flicker red "No. Shut up. We're dropping this subject like a moon from orbit."
He closed his mouth with a snap. They all tensed until my bricks faded back to yellow. "We have a new kid now. End of story. I just came to let you know." I say firmly before Blinking away. I needed some Me time on Earth to calm down. The Me who was still cooking agreed with my decision.
---
Splitting myself for long periods of time always felt weird. I can't seem to get used to it no matter what I do. One Me was at home, another Me on Earth trying not to spiral into an angst hole and I split off a 3rd Me to the Nightmare Realm as Jan to work on something I've been meaning to do for the longest time.
Write my own song.
I've always sang covers of songs I like. Wouldn't it be nice to have my own work as well? It's not like I can't write my own songs. I made up little ditties all the time, plus I actually know how to play an instrument now.
I've gotten good at compartmentalizing so while the Me on Earth dealt with my frustration, Jan was free to play around without a care, or rather, channel my frustration into something less problematic. Once we recombine with each other I'll have to deal with my issues but for now I played with the piano and tried to see if anything sticks out to me.
"Why do cheerios stick to each other~they float in my cereal bowl~" I sang before laughing.
"If you see a cat you pet it~if you see a dog you pet it~but don't pet a porcupine because that hurts~"
I was cut off by my laptop alerting me to someone entering the chat room. I got up off the piano and made my way over.
[DapperCornChip] has joined the chat
Student: Guys? I have an important question.
DapperCornChip: What's up?
Student: you've said before that Japan doesn't exist yet but what exactly does that mean?
DapperCornChip: well the earth is still populated by dinosaurs
Student: well fuck
Student: I was afraid of that. I knew the BBS goes through dimensions and time bit I didn't realize just what that meant until now
DapperCornChip: but what's wrong with that?
Student: Why does that Jan guy know songs from my world?
JanLover35: wwwwhat do you mean?
Student: It was one thing for him to know my language bit he knows the actual songs from my homeland
JanLover35: tthat does. Kind of sssubd suspicious
DapperCornChip: its just a coincidence. I mean infinite realities amirite?
JanLover35: Jan said in an iiiintervreiw that his songs aaaaare from his honewoeld that apparently disallesr ed or sonethibg?
DapperCornChip: itS a coincidence
Student: IS it? I've looked up all of his songs and they all match up
Student: *Illuminati music plays*
DapperCornChip: look this isnt importabt. Ok?! So what if his world happened to have the same songs as urs
Student: What if Jan is from my world and got sent back in time?!
Student: is what I would say but even though he looks mostly human, humans like me don't have 4 arms and we cant shoot fire from our hands
JanLover35: aaaactually I'm from the gfutures and I'm human but eeeeven in my time we don't have 4 arms and stuff
DapperCornChip: I think you both need to stop this train of thought NOW
JanLover35: Oooh my glob! Jan-Jan uses gene mods!!!
DapperCornChip: ...yes. That is definitely it....
Student: gene mods?
JanLover35: DNA cccchanging medical treatments. They're all the rage out in the multiverse. Oh my glob if Jan-Jan wwwwas a hhhuman from earth twho accidentally got sent back in time and was forced to tttake ggene mods to survive in space?!
DapperCornChip: ...yes. That is definitely it....
DapperCornChip: maybe we should keep quiet about this knowledge
JanLover35: ahhhhh!!!!
DapperCornChip: welp. I think lover's broken
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. Well. Looks like here's an annoying sort of truth revealed. They were correct and yet, so very wrong in their assumptions. I am a human from earth who was sent back in time to another dimension.
I may not use gene mods but considering I'm a shapeshifter? Yeah...technically accurate. The question now is, what does this mean for me? I'm unsure what the backlash would be if people 'found out' I used gene mods. It's not like it was very looked down on...gene mods for survival's sake was common after all.
But body mods? I didn't know how the public might react to this. What if they start to get suspicious about me?
DapperCornChip: seriously though. Don't speak a word of this.
Student: why? I mean, I have no access to you guys except though the chat boards but...
DapperCornChip: it might cause issues. Please don't talk about this. Or mention it.
Student: .....are you Jan?
DapperCornChip: where did that ridiculous notion cone from? I just don't want people treating him differently if they knew he was from a different time period
JanLover35: oh no oh no oh no if Jan-Jan is from a different tine I'm supposed to report him! Aaaaaand then they'll send him home or kill him oooorr I don't know?!?! Ahhhh!!!
DapperCornChip: crazy idea. You don't report him. I mean if Time Baby hasn't raised a stink over this then theres no problem amirite?!?
Student: Wait kill?! Wtf is happening where you are?!
DapperCornChip: an oppressive government centered around the selfish whims of a giant infant that controls time. No biggie
JanLover35: aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
Student: geez I'm sorry I brought this up
Student: hey like....if this Jan guy is really gonna die if people find out then I'm gonna keep my mouth shut
DapperCornChip: that would be best. What about you lover?
JanLover35: ahsfeiabdoeoa!?#&!
DapperCornChip: Dammit man pull yourself together!!
There was silence after that. I typed a few more lines of text but JanLover35 wasn't responding. Well fuck. I really hope he wasn't going to do something stupid like report me to the Time Anomaly Squad. I sat back in my chair with my hands arranged into a triangle shape over one eye.
JanLover35...who are you...
I flickered throughout the multiverse staring at everything and everyone. Watching. Searching. Found him.
I dropped my hands. JanLover35, or rather, a young Blendin Blandin. Still had all his hair too. I frowned. I couldn't kill him. How do I convince him to keep quiet? The last thing I need is to be arrested by the fucking Time Police and taken before Time Baby.
Would he recognize me?
I doubt it but it would still be obnoxious as fuck.
Finally I shrugged. Why not? If all else fails, I can block Blendin's memories of this whole conversation. I Blinked away to right outside Blendin's apartment and ran the doorbell.
Perception filter on, anyone passing by on the streets wouldn't notice me but Blendin sure would. I folded my arms and tapped my foot impatiently. I KNOW he's in there. I rang the doorbell again. I drumed my fingers along my arm as I waited. Seriously dude? I even teleported outside instead of breaking into your house!
Finally I hear some shuffling sounds and a high pitched squealing voice "I-I-I'm coming! Geez!"
The door opens and I see him scrubching up his face in annoyance "W-what do you wa-"
He trails off in shock, staring at me. I lean in to wrap my hands around his shoulder. "Hey there. I believe there's something we need to discuss."
I open my mouth to speak again but he cuts me off with a high "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" before falling over into a faint. I face palm.
Well. That happened.
I groaned and dragged his limb body back into his apartment and shut the door behind us. I wrinkled my nose at the mess. At least there weren't empty food containers lying around but clothes were strewn about on the chairs and ground. I toss Blendin onto a couch and start grabbing the dirty clothes, almost absently. Cleaning was just instinct by this point.
It was a small apartment. How much, or rather, how little was this kid being paid? I found his laundry room and put everything in to wash. As the machine whirled away I decided to check the rest of his apartment while I wait for him to wake up. It's not because I was most and wanted to look through his stuff or anything.
Blendin stirs awake to find me lounging on his dining room chair, flipping through some papers. "Welcome back to the land of the waking slept head~" I drawled as I placed the papers (legal documentation of his acceptance into the Time Anomaly and Removal Squad) back into a folder I had taken them out of. I say papers but they were actually holographic screens with his information on them.
He sits up quickly while stammering loudly. I flip the chair around so i can straddle it and peer at him while leaning over the back. "So~perhaps we can talk this time without you fainting on me?"
"W-w-w-what are you doing here?! How d-D-did-"
"Shush now." I reach out to press my finger against his mouth. "Yes, I am Jan-Jan. Nice to meet you." I grinned. "Or rather, nice to meet you in person JanLover35~"
It's lucky that Blendin, despite being from the future in the 3rd Dimension, was living here in the past on the planet Time Baby had claimed as his home base. Damon time travellers at any rate.
"H-how do you know my handle?!" He screeches. I sigh. "Look, none of that is important. What IS important is that you have nothing to worry about." I get up off my chair and saunter over to sit on the arm of the couch, leaning in to smile sweetly at him. Blendin had turned bright red by this point, making soinds with his mouth that weren't even words anymore.
"I read through your terms of contract with the Anomaly Squad. You dont have to turn me in or do anything at all." I reach out to poke his nose. "Since none of the alerts were set off by me being here, as well as how I've been around for QUITE a while with no issues, I'm sure you can tell that I haven't broken any time laws."
"B-but why are you HERE?! How-" he stutters.
"Not important. I read through anything that people write about me online. I saw your conversation and decided to come and clear some things with you before you accidentally get me arrested." I shrug. I have not spoken any lies here. I really do try to read through anything people write about me. Mainly because they were both flattering and hilarious.
He still looks too surprised to react so I pat his cheek. "Hello~? You in there? Well, no matter, just came to tell you to keep quiet and don't report me to your boss."
I turn to leave but he finds his words again and waves his arms. "But a-a-are you...a human?" He stares at me, examining me and blushing as he suddenly realized he was getting to see THE Space Idol Jan-Jan up close in person.
I pause. "Would it matter if I were human or not? Would it matter if this was my true appearance or not?" I asked quietly.
He goes quiet as well. I don't turn to look at him so I don't know what expression he's making but finally he sighs.
"I guess...it doesn't matter. Your music is what I love about your shows. The fire is cool too and..." He trails off. I turn slightly to look over my shoulder at him. He was rubbing his head with a sheepish look. "The idea that you might be a human is...kinda cool..."
"Regardless, do you understand why I want you to keep quiet about this?" I asked him. He stuttered before nodding. "Y-y-yeah I think so?"
I turned fully to smile at him gently. "Thank you."
He flushed. "H-how did you know where I lived anyway? How d-d-did you find me?"
I shrugged. "A friend told me where you were."
"A friend? How did y-y-y-your friend know where I lived?"
"He knows lots of things." I grin before Blinking away.
I'm sure he didn't notice the tiny triangle I burned into his ceiling. I'm gonna keep an EYE on this. Here's hoping my choice to let him go free with his memories intact doesn't come back to bite me.
---
Also, been watching this channel and just drooling at the butchering techniques...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBJa32lCaaY&ab_channel=LegacyPNDA