—
Not much to say about the Earth. No that's incorrect, there was plenty to see and plenty to describe but it can all be boiled down to "Lots of shit is evolving" and that's pretty much it. How long until the dinosaurs? Well, probably a few hundred million years. Everything looked fine otherwise (barring a few mass extinction events here and there...I've gotten used to it by now). The plants were growing, the animals were roaming and the satellite pretending to be the moon was still watching. Geez, and the Federation was upset at ME for spying on people? They do that too! They're just jealous that I'm so much better than them at it.
I wish there was a fast forward button. Could I ask Time Baby about that? He hasn't sent me on any missions for a while now. How many Favors does he owe me by this point? A couple dozen? Could I spend a few to make him hurry it up here?
Naw, too much trouble.
I use up most of my Favors getting my friends out of prison whenever they get into MAJOR trouble that paying bail won't get them out of.
I look at the satellite moon and wonder what was going to happen with Earth. I know in the Gravity Falls continuity that the moon landing was faked due to the fact that the moon wasn't real but that didn't mean humans weren't capable of space travel. I vowed to myself then and there that I will make sure humans made it to the moon...even if it means they'll still have to fake the actual landing because the moon wasn't real.
I wonder what the agents inside that satellite were expected to be observing?
With curiosity in my core, I slid past the metal shielding with a bit of struggle and slipped inside the satellite. Airtight this stuff may be but I've always been good at wiggling through tiny spaces, even as a human. Plus, whoever was assigned here was currently asleep and I easily let myself be drawn into his dreamscape.
I appeared in a lovely island home with gorgeous dancing women and the dreaming man laughing as he was drowned in riches. Ah. One of these dreams. I watched for a bit before quickly growing bored and floating off to see how much of his mind I could access.
There we go. Memories....memories...ah found it!
[Mission: Observe planet E-arth in Dimension 13291395/ for possible use as a wildlife reserve.
Current assessment: Good. The planet is large and diverse with many environments and biomes. Capable of supporting many different types of life forms. Time Baby has stated a vested interest in this planet. Reason unknown but if Time Baby wants this planet protected then we shall protect it.
It is suspected that E-arth is actually the home world of many Time Agents and Police from the future. Why it is that Time Baby holds such a favoritism to this species known as Humans is a mystery, especially since they do not currently exist. The existence of Humans is still kept under wraps on the Galactic scale. The humans currently in Time Baby's employ conceal themselves behind perception filters that make them unable to be identified.
Was this the reason? Time Baby keeps the humans around because they can so easily be overlooked? Perfect for use as Time Agents who are expected to blend in to the background and go unnoticed?]
I pulled out of the files and hummed to myself. So Time Baby really was helping me keep the Earth safe. Well shit I think this means I need to do something nice to thank him.
I made him a nice giant bowl of starberry pudding. Like, swimming pool sized. He actually looked happy for once.
---
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Everyone jolts when my scream rings throughout the Death Star.
"Bill?! What's wrong?!" Keyhole gasps as he tumbles into the pantry where I was kneeling on the ground in despair. I look up at him and the others as they came in to see what was wrong. With tears in my eye I whispered brokenly "We're out of potatoes…"
"YESSSS!!!!" Pyronica pumps a fist into the air. "I mean oh no~that's horrible~" She drawls unconvincingly when I turn my teary eye towards her.
No one gave me the comfort I needed. I ran off crying about how no one understands me.
—
Shopping for baby clothes was difficult. Mainly because I keep turning people into stuffed animals in embarrassment when they assumed I was the father. Pyronica told me I had to leave but there was no way in all the levels of Hell I was gonna leave her unprotected while pregnant in a public area so I just floated behind her like a glowing, growling balloon as she picked out clothes and toys.
"Why are we even buying this when you can make everything?" She wonders. I glare at a random Pandeen that just happened to walk too close to us and they quickly turn to run off. Yeah you better run! Pyronica tugs on my leg. "Bill. Stop that."
"Well I want to support artists and makers." I reply to her original question. She blinks. "Is that why we're shopping in this small family run shop instead of the brand name ones?"
"Yup. Also, they have more unique stuff here anyway." I grin. Pyronica stares at a lamp shaped like a Swizzlefish riding a pogo stick. "Yeah. Unique..."
I put in a commission for a special baby crib. I even had the blue prints drawn out to show the carpenter what I wanted. It was a triangle of course.
---
I still haven't told my gang about my secret identity as Jan. It's much too embarrassing. So I was faced with a dilemma when Kryptos comes up to me one day and begs to go to a Jan-Jan concert.
"Ooh! I've always wanted to see him live too~" Pyronica purred. "But the tickets are always sold out..." She sighed dramatically.
"But you can get anything Bill! You're the best! You can definitely get tickets right?" Kryptos gushed at me.
"Well...I CAN get tickets..." I mutter and the two of them squee'd. "But is this really so important?"
"I know you're busy that day Bill. You always have something important to do when a concert happens." Kryptos said sadly.
Of course I'm busy. I have to perform that concert.
"But we can record it for you right? I know you're a fan of Jan as well."
"Wut?"
Kryptos blushes. "Well we all know how much you love music. You know all the words to his songs. You've got that poster of him in the secret hallway. And you play his songs on the piano too sometimes."
Of course I do. They're my songs. And how did you guys find my secret hallway with full page spreads of cute guys/girls?!
"I can see why you like him Bill." Pyronica nods like she has figured out the meaning of life. "He's incredibly attractive and mysterious. No one knows for sure when his concerts will happen since he makes his own schedule and he never lets anyone tell him what to do. He always disappears right after a concert and only his manager gets any messages from him."
"I can't believe this is happening." I deadpan.
"So I was thinking the whole gang could go to a concert and record it for you." Kryptos hurriedly continued. He looks at Teeth and 8-Ball who were playing a game of cards and cleared his throat loudly. The two look up and begin nodding and saying "OH! Yes, yes."
I squint my eye suspiciously at them and they sweat nervously. Keyhole walks into the room, looks at the situation and walks right back out slowly.
"So tickets to Jan's concert for the lot of you? Everyone's going?"
"We've been really good recently. Can't we get a treat? Pretty please?" Pyronica bats her eye at me and I roll mine.
"Fine. You guys have been on good behavior. Pyronica hasn't even eaten anymore innocent civilians when we were shopping for baby supplies. Alright. I may know a guy who can get me some tickets. You guys better appreciate it."
"Eeee! You're the BEST Bill!" Pyronica dances in place and squeals happily. I feel a flash of pride and joy that my friends enjoyed my singing this much. From the heat I can feel blazing through my bricks I know I'm blushing. "Yeah, yeah whatever. I'll go get those tickets."
I blink away, transforming while in between dimensions into my Jan form. I stretch my arms out and rotate my shoulders to reorient myself to this body. Now where was that manager of mine?
It wasn't hard to convince him to give me a few extra tickets. Ivanlock seemed thrilled that I was giving them personally to some special fans. He's always suggesting that I interact with my fans more. Do more interviews. Go on talk shows. Hold a special meet and greet with my fans. I keep telling him I like my privacy. There have been many paparazzi who've tried to follow me around but I simply teleport into the Nightmare Realm to loose them.
I refused to tell him who those fans were though. After chatting a bit about my profits from my last concert a few months back (a third of which is safe in a Federation bank under Jan's name and the rest donated to various charities) I bid him a pleasant good bye and teleported away.
---
"Ohmigosh Ohmigosh! You really got us tickets!!!"
"Please- who do you think you're talking to?" I tilt my hat and wink. Kryptos is jumping for joy as he clutches his ticket.
"Aaaah! I'm so happy I made that deal to be your friend!!" Kryptos gushes in gratitude. I smile fondly at the memories. The whole multiverse knows how dangerous Bill Cipher is. They also know that becoming Bill's 'friend' will pretty much ensure all your dreams come true. Because as long as you are loyal and retain his favor, Bill Cipher can grant your every desire if he's feeling generous.
There have been many creatures both good and bad who've tried to gain my favor over the years. Some I will take in for a trial run before they are politely declined or horribly destroyed. Through some cosmic fate I have separately met and taken in all of CanonBill's friends under different circumstances. Was this the power of Canon? It was amazing in retrospect.
I love my friends. For all their flaws as misfit abominations and criminals, I sincerely love each and every one of them. I don't know if they even truly comprehend how much power they hold as my inner circle. My outer circle of miscellaneous friends were made up of beings who have chosen not to live directly under my influence (or in the case of Jessie's shrine maidens, they don't know who I really am). They have my protection but are not granted any special favors otherwise, most don't even have immortality. PaciFire's wrestler buddies mainly just hang out with him, Teeth and Pyronica. Queenie was still alive and kicking the last time I went to check on her. Her case was a little different though.
Most of the outer group is made up of good people in dire circumstances who simply wish to live unmolested by cruel society. The outcasts. The poor and downtrodden. They don't want power or boons, just to be left alone. I mark them as I mark all my 'friends' with my sign to let the universe know that they are my property and no one fucks with Bill's property. I'm still keeping an eye on Quafa and his kids. They're doing well, I'm happy for them. There has been SOME trouble from people who refuse to hire Quafa but a couple nightmare threats quickly made those employers change their minds.
It's pretty twisted but it was the only way to ensure their safety. There have been a few times when one of my outer circle was harmed and I came down upon their attackers with all the righteous fury of a vengeful god of Destruction. I take my duty to protect them very seriously. I don't think Pyronica or the others even know about those people, they tend to be people who summoned me for long term Deals that last for their lifetime.
If any of them abuses my protection, I punish them myself. This has led to the misunderstanding that Bill Cipher can destroy his summoners/friends on a whim if they ever lose his favor. They're not technically wrong but it's still a bad reputation to live with.
I've also made it clear that my protection only extends to defending my 'friends' from unprovoked hostility. I had one guy try to abuse his protection by robbing a bank while the police were too afraid to stop him. I blinked onto the scene to inform them that if one of my friends causes trouble first, they are on their own. The police then happily arrested him and I cheerfully waved good bye as he was chained and dragged away. I changed my mark on him from black to a faded gray to symbolize that he no longer had my favor but still belonged to me. Like Liu-Dag's was…damn that was a looooong time ago.
I have to keep an eye on troublesome people like that.
My inner circle are essentially the friends who WANT to live with me FOREVER. They want to cause trouble and are perfectly fine with facing the consequences head on. They are unapologetic rebels who do what they want and I love them all for it.
Then there were the friends I made in Miz's identity, Jessie's many shrine maidens that I still hung out with. Hutie's birthday was coming up, I should get them something…man, keeping track of all these people in my life was HARD.
While I was busy reminiscing, Kryptos had passed out the tickets and Keyhole (who was apparently Jan's BIGGEST fan) was overcome with emotion, leaped up and hugged me. I froze, clamping down on my reflex to -destroy- push him off. Everyone else froze. Keyhole went rigid when he realized what he'd just done.
"I'm so sorry Bill! I didn't mean to-" he hastily let go and backed away. The fear in his eyes hurt me in a way I can't properly articulate. "It's fine Keyhole. You just...surprised me." I tried to reassure him. I was fine with hugs, really, I was! Just…I need adequate warning to prepare myself…
He grinned nervously and I nearly broke down. It's fine for the universe to fear me. But you're my friends. Don't you...trust me?
"It's fine. I'm not mad. Really. Just…ask first." I float closer and gently rub Keyhole's head. He's trembling a little and I push back my sadness. "Geez guys, you know I'm better now right? I've gotten over that." Keyhole relaxed a little and managed a shaky smile. "I am sorry though. I know you don't like being touched Bill."
I hum in acknowledgment. "I don't like being surprise touched. If you want a hug you can ask for one. Okay buddy?" I smile at him in the most gentle way I can, finally realizing that my bricks had flickered Red earlier (which was what had everyone so tense). Everyone finally relaxes and continue talking excitedly about the up coming concert a galactic week from now.
I excuse myself, stating some important task to do and blink away to the Nightmare Realm where I finally let out all the anguish I felt inside. As I sit on the burning upside down mountain I cried long and hard about the lack of trust. I have never hurt any of them, not seriously. I may have gotten angry, thrown things, transformed them into something else or yelled at them but I've never once truly hurt them. Can they really not trust me to be okay with them? After all we've been through together? After all I've done for them? Even if I turn red it doesn't mean…it didn't mean…
I thought we'd moved past this? I suppose…while from my perspective it's been eons since my trauma occurred, for them…it's only been a few decades? Is that why?
---
The concert was coming up soon. I went to a few rehearsals (to my manager's surprise), the stage was set up, everything was fully prepared and I had gotten over my most recent bout with depression.
Small miracle that I retained my inability to stay upset for long. I can hold a grudge forever but my moods come and go pretty quick.
Around 2 hours before the concert I'm in my dressing room backstage adjusting my outfit. I told my friends to go have fun at the concert yesterday before I left for my 'important business'. They seemed...genuinely happy. That was good. I have to put my all into making this concert a fun time. For my fans and for my friends.
I shifted my clothes in front of the mirror again. I raked my eyes up and down my form and drooled. Mmm~sexy bishounen~
You know what? I've got some time to kill before the concert starts...
(insert masterbation scene)
---
I step out on stage to the loud cheering of my fans. I wave at them enthusiastically with all four hands and look around. I easily spot Xanthar in the crowd, the others standing near him. They really came.
"Is everyone ready to get set on fire tonight?"
"YEAH!!" The crowd screams. I hear a voice shrieking "I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!" and hide a wince. Fans are crazy.
I gesture and form little 'music bubbles' that immediately begin pumping out a beat. They float away to hover above me, pulsing in different colors. I hold the Mic up, grinning widely. "Lets start the evening with a classic of mine. Bad Apple!" The crowd roars in response.
"Ever on and on I continue circling~ with nothing but my hate in a carousel of agony~ till slowly I forget and my heart starts vanishing~ and suddenly I see that I can't break free and~"
I have a lot of fun and by the cheering, my fans have fun too. I set a lot of the stage (and audience) on fire but it's not hot enough to truly hurt anyone and the element of danger was apparently one of the draws for my concerts. People are weird.
---
I leave the stage after another successful show and was walking back to my changing room to meet with Ivanlock when Pyronica steps out from behind a corner. I blink at her dumbly. Wasn't there supposed to be security?
"Um...hi?" I say awkwardly.
"Ooh~you're even cuter in person~" she gushes as she walks closer and bends down to see me better.
"How...did you get back here?" I ask, somewhat dreading the answer.
"Oh don't worry your pretty little face. The guards are just unconscious. We made sure not to hurt anyone."
"We?" I ask with a sinking feeling.
A large clawed hand grabs me around my slim waist and 8-Ball is lifting me into the air. I stiffen and grab onto his hand as my stomach does flips from being held above the ground.
"What?!" I manage to cry out before a wet cloth is pressed to my face and the world spins dizzily. I hear Pyronica apologize. "-e're not going to hurt you..."
I slump and my consciousness leaves me.
---
Having my consciousness scattered for a while always feels weird. Regardless I snap back into focus with a jolt and a gasp. Good thing I crafted this form thoroughly enough that it wouldn't fall apart when I wasn't actively maintaining it.
I glance around to see that I was laying on one of the many comfy sofas in the Death Star. The memories rush back and I face palm. My friends kidnapped me. Oh my god. I thought I told them that non-consensual kidnapping wasn't cool. I really don't know how to feel about this.
"You're awake! Oh thank void! We were kinda worried since no one actually knows your species and we didn't know if that tranquilizer would have any weird side effects." I look up from my hand to see Hectorgon seated across from me.
"I can't believe you guys did that." I groan and hide my face again, a headache already forming at the thought of how the public will react when they realized Space Idol Jan-Jan was kidnapped.
Hopefully there won't be a panic. I quickly scan through the images to see what the situation was. With my hand covering my eyes I can hide the use of my powers. Okay...mild panic. Ivan found the tranquilized guards. Shit he called the police. They checked the area for clues. Hectorgon disabled the security cameras so they couldn't find any video evidence of what happened. The guards were all attacked from a blind spot so none of them have any clue as to the culprits. How long has the gang been planning this?! And behind my back too?!
I'm actually quite impressed.
"Don't worry we're not going to harm you." Hectorgon assured me soothingly. Out of my friends, Hec was the best at negotiations due to his deep voice and nice tie. It made people think he was a reasonable guy. Hec is actually just a huge dork, but he's good at making people think he's competent and in charge.
It doesn't work on me because I know them. I sigh. "Where's everyone else?" I level a flat stare at him. "If we're gonna talk I'd rather not have to repeat myself." Hec seemed surprised at how nonchalant I am about my situation. Well aren't THEY in for a surprise.
He got up and knocked on the door. The rest of my gang filed in. Keyhole was fidgeting nervously and looked very guilty. I can't help but smile fondly. So cute.
"So. You all decided to kidnap me. Any particular reason?" I lounge back on the couch with two of my arms crossed like I owned the place, which I did. I had my eyebrow quirked in a way that I knew from long hours posing in front of a mirror looked quite attractive on this form.
They shift nervously. I resist the urge to summon a martini to sip as I stare them down. I inspect the nails on one of my hands as I wait for their response.
PaciFire grumbles. "Aren't you being too demanding here? You're our prisoner."
I laughed uproariously. One hand on my head and two on my stomach. The 4th hand pounding the sofa with a fist. They jump back in shock at the sudden noise. I cackled for a good long while before gasping for breath.
"ME?! Your prisoner! AHAHAHAHA! Oh you're gonna kill me! Ah my sides! Ahaha!"
I gasp and laugh hysterically some more. Kryptos had a look of dawning realization and horror. No doubt he's already noticed my incredibly familiar (unhinged) behavior. My eyes were closed as I laughed. Finally I stopped and when my eyes opened they were a burning gold with slit pupils. "This is the most stupidly hilarious thing that's happened to me in centuries. Congrats for that at least~"
Pyronica's mouth falls open. "B-Bill?!"
The others were catching on now and Keyhole looked horrified. Ammy straight out dropped his blocks. 8-Ball gasped before laughing and pointed at me. "Oh cool Bill! You possessed Jan!"
We all stare incredulously at 8-Ball. I face palm and sigh. "Oh my god I cannot deal with this..."
I (sort of) snap my fingers and shift back into myself. 8-Ball gasps. "Bill! You?! What?! I'm confused..." he moans.
I rolled my eye. "It's a long and boring story."
"Oh my god. Bill is Jan-Jan. Is this real life?!" Keyhole seems to be having a breakdown.
I pet Keyhole's head. "It's fine kid. I will admit I'm actually impressed you guys pulled off such an interesting heist. Though I thought I told you guys that kidnapping someone without their permission was rude."
"I feel so embarrassed right now." Pyronica flushed a dark pink. I grin at her. "So you think I'm attractive huh?" She flushes even darker. "Dammit Bill! I don't know if I can ever look at you the same way now! Fuck!"
I cackle. "It's awkward for me too Ronica. Now you know how I felt when you conceived your kids!"
"How...did this even happen?" PaciFire gasps.
"Ugh- a series of bad decisions and boredom." I moan dramatically.
"W-well I like your songs Bill..." Keyhole squeaks out.
"Oh um...thanks Keyhole..." I flush at his sincere feelings. "I actually really enjoy performing. I love music..."
"Why didn't you tell us Bill?" Kryptos asked.
"It was just...well...it's…stupid ya know?" I flushed and looked away.
"It's not stupid for you to do something you love Bill." Pyronica says comfortingly.
"Well, I can't really let people know who I really am. You know how much people hate me..." I snapped before deflating sadly and slumping on the couch. "Is that why you chose such a different form?" Keyhole asks softly. I nod sheepishly.
"...yeah..."
I was glad that my friends seem to be accepting of my secret life as an idol. It's embarrassing to have them know but I should look on the bright side. They don't seem to be making fun of me for it.
"So why DID you guys kidnap me?"
Pyronica laughed nervously. Kryptos looked uncomfortable. "We actually did it for you Bill." He rubs his feet together nervously.
"Wut?"
"Well you've been so upset and moody recently, we know how much you love music and we thought you were a huge fan of Jan's so we thought it would be a nice gift to...bring him here for you..." the Compass blushes dark indigo.
"Awww you guys wanted to get me a private concert? You sweet hearts~" I laughed and gave Pyronica and Kryptos a quick hug. They looked startled at first but Pyronica seemed glad. "But seriously, I should probably get back to my manager and reassure him of my safety. I really don't want the Feds getting involved..."
They nodded in agreement and I shift back into Jan's body. Landing on the ground with a twirl I grin cheekily at them. "If you guys still want to go to my concerts, just tell me. I can get tickets whenever."
Keyhole was grinning excitedly. "Could we get private concerts too?!"
"Sure kid. If I'm not busy. Welp, time to go convince Ivan to call off the cops." I finger-gunned them and laughed. I blinked out of there with a much lighter heart and smile on my lips.
---
After calming Ivanlock down AND somehow getting him to drop the subject of getting me personal bodyguards, I was able to explain that I was simply abducted by overzealous fans. No I wasn't harmed in any way. No I have not been violated. No I did not sleep with the fans who abducted me.
"Oh my god Ivan~" I whine. "I'm fine okay? I had a nice talk with my fans and told them not to do this again. Then I teleported back here. You DO remember I can do that right? Even if I get kidnapped I can just pop back to safety."
"That's not the point Jan! You could have been hurt!"
"Pffth! I can handle myself."
Ivan pointedly stared at my slender form. "Jan, I could probably snap you in half with one tentacle."
"You use your tentacles to walk your fatass on, they can snap nearly anything."
"Once again, that's not the point." He sighed. "Jan, I was really worried about you."
I hum and lid my eyes at him. "Worried for ME or for the money I make you?"
"Jan you know it's not like that..." He says. I scan his mind and know for a fact he's lying. I sneer but otherwise let it go. He's a greedy man, I've always known that.
"Jan we can't afford to have you caught up in any scandals. Are you SURE you weren't violated in any way?"
"Just say it straight to me Ivan." I growl as a bit of blue flame flickers between my fingers. "What are you trying to imply here?"
"Jan! I need to know if you've knocked up some floozy!"
I laugh in his face. "That's impossible because I'm a virgin!"
"What? Are you kidding me?!" He looks incredibly taken aback by this news.
"NOPE! The only hands to touch me are my own." I wiggled my fingers "And as you can see I've got a lot of hands. The most intimate I've ever been is masturbating in the same room as two people fuckin' each other." Wow, I really don't have a filter do I?
"Is this true? You're...really a virgin?" Ivanlock sits heavily on a chair, still staring at me. I frown. What's his angle here? "That's brilliant! We can market that! The lovely Jan-Jan, pure and untouched!"
I narrow my eyes dangerously. "You know how I feel about marketing Ivan. Wouldn't want my hand to slip..." I'm tossing a small fireball up and down without taking my eyes off the Ocgoplge.
"The most your fire does is singe clothing off. Jan you need to stop acting like a child and more like a professional."
"Ugh Ivan!"
"You refuse interviews. You refuse promotions. You schedule your concerts completely at random with no care for how many people can even make it for that day-"
"I still sell out all the seats so I don't see the problem." And I record my concerts so it's not like anyone who misses one wouldn't be able to see the whole performance posted on my ThemTube channel afterward.
"The problem is that we could be making so much more! What if we made official merchandise of you? T-shirts with your picture on it! Figurines! You could give autographs for a small sum..."
"You know I don't care about the money Ivan." I've also stated during one of the few interviews I've been on that since I don't have official merch, my fans are allowed to make and sell their own merchandise of me if they so choose. Apparently this delighted my fans. It also drives Ivanlock nuts. There are a hilarious amount of body pillows with my image printed on them (I even own a few).
"Well you should! I don't think you even understand how popular you are! Your songs are so different and varied in styles-"
"Well that's 'cause my songs come from hundreds of different artists I like. I've stated often that I sing COVERS."
"-even if no one understands what you're saying half the time!"
"That's 'cause I don't always remember the lyrics and just make shit up." Also, singing in languages that no one here knows.
"Jan, you could become the biggest star the universe has ever seen!"
"I don't care about the fame either. I just want to sing, dance and have fun. Getting paid is just a bonus. This is just for stress relief."
The tentacled creature growls in frustration. "Why do you have to be like this?!"
"I have no need for fame or money. I just wanna have fun. If it's really such an issue I can always find a new manager."
Ivanlock snarls and stands up to loom above me "If you drop me, I will ruin you Jan. It doesn't matter how popular you are. Public opinion shifts by the DAY and I can easily destroy your reputation."
"Are you threatening me Ivanlock?" I tilt my head and my eyes glint red for a second.
"I'm not the bad guy here. If you would just take your career more seriously-"
"I do this as a HOBBY that just so happens to be profitable! It IS not and HAS not EVER been a career." I stalk up to him and hiss as I poke him in the chest. "The only reason I even got a manager in the first place is because I wanted a stage. But you know what? The whole world's a stage. I can just stand on a rooftop and sing and it would make no difference to me. So you should just be grateful I'm even bothering to LET you make money off me."
"..." Ivan scowls at me. We glare at each other, neither willing to back down.
"You're gonna regret not taking this deal when you're older kid."
"Pft- I know more about Deals than you do old man." I turn and saunter off, swaying my hips. I stop to shoot one last remark. "If you spread negative rumors about me, I WILL set you on fire. And fire you as well." Blinking away, I frown to myself. If Ivanlock really proves an issue I might just have 'Bill' pay him a visit.
---
Now that my gang knows I'm Jan, I've taken to wearing his form around the Death Star. It was nice being able to prance around as someone different every now and then. I also liked being able to wear clothing properly. They already knew about William so having Jan just made it so I was finally comfortable enough to show off the other 'Me's.
My true human form, Miz, startled the crap out of them the first time they saw it.
"Morning Ammy!" I chirp in a high sweet voice as I skip merrily down the hallway. My yellow sweater poncho billowed around me. Amorphous Shape flew into a wall. I giggle and bounce into the kitchen to make breakfast.
"...Bill? Is that you?" Hectorgon asked warily. He glances at his mug of real moonlight moonshine and pushed it away from him. "Yup! I wanted to try something different today!" I twirled in place. "How does it look?"
"...why are you so…young and squishy?" He looked incredibly disturbed by my choice.
"I got bored. And aren't I cute?" I beam happily up at him, sparkles glittering around me.
"I think I need to go...lie down..." He did look quite pale. What's his issue?
"Why are you a little girl?" PaciFire deadpanned when he walked into the room and saw me.
"I actually used to use this form a lot when I was younger. You won't believe how many people you can trick into letting you into their homes if you're a cute little girl."
"Eeeeeee!" I hear a squeal as Pyronica sees me. "Oh my gosh you're so cute Bill!!" She looks like she desperately wants to hug me and I give her permission to do so.
I get snatched up and snuggled by Ronica as she coos over how tiny I am. I find it odd since my triangle form is around the same size. When around intergalactic creatures I stay at a base size of around 5 feet per side. When interacting with skittish clients I go for my real size of around 25 or so cm (though recently it almost feels like I'm...bigger? That can't be right). Really, at 4'11" I'm not all that much smaller than usual. I pout, which just makes Ronica coo and poke my cheek.
"So...why are you testing out all these different forms?" Paci asks as he opens the fridge to see if we've got anything to eat. I pondered how to answer this properly. "Well sometimes...I just feel like being someone different...and I thought that it would be okay to do that around you guys now...if it's a problem I can stop..." I said quietly.
"No it's fine Bill. You can be whoever and whatever you want around us. Especially if they're this cute and smooshy." Pyronica says as she squeezes me a little. Thank god I reinforced this form beforehand. "I kinda wish you would take πtoria's form again sometime…"
"Eh, I didn't like getting hit on all the time. This form is called 'Miz' by the way."
"Like that comic book author?"
"….Actually, that's me. Again. In another identity…"
"…How many other secret lives are you living Bill?"
"....just a couple….."
"It's just so...helplessly innocent looking..." Paci looks both horrified and impressed by the level of deceptions I could pull off in this form. No one would ever suspect me of a crime like this.
"Hey. You guys wanna try a heist like this?" I grin wickedly.
"...I'm intrigued. What sort of heist?" Paci looked thrilled for another heist. Then again, my friends are always up to cause chaos.
"Wanna rob a candy store?"
"Fuck, Bill I love you sometimes."
---
A few hours later the shopping center in the town of Seph was flooded with razzberry syrup and my gang were laughing maniacally as we ran off with sacks full of sweets (ever since I put forth the idea of isolating sugar, more and more sweets have been invented, which I am quite proud of). Me in Miz's form giggling madly as I rode on Xanthar's back. The chaos inside me was thrilled. I left some precious gemstones at the store to cover the costs of the stolen goods and we didn't kill anyone. It was a good time.
---
A rumor started that Bill Cipher had taken a new pet. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Jessie's shrine maidens were incredibly worried about 'Miz' and asked me if I had been captured by Bill and his gang. I somehow convinced them that I had merely been caught up in the raid and that Bill's gang were perfectly nice people who shared the candy with me. They didn't fully believe me and told me to be more careful.
Then again, pretending to be my own Pet sounds stupidly hilarious. I split myself in two and blink at myself. This feels...weird. Keyhole was staring at the two versions of me. One in my triangle form and the other in Miz's form.
"Oh. This is weird."
"Cool. Now I can pretend you're my Pet."
"I refuse to wear anything stupid."
"You're in a yellow poncho that looks like our bricks."
"True dat."
Keyhole's head swivels back and forth watching me talk to myself. "This is messed up Bill."
"It feels messed up. Oh! Pet me!" Miz bounces up to sit on Bill's lap. Oh that feels strange. I can feel myself brushing against my bricks. We both shiver. Bill runs his hands through my hair and we both shudder at the feeling. This is so weird.
"Hey Bill, we were splitting the candy and Hec said he wanted the Junilio Bars so..." Kryptos walks in and sees the two Mes. "...do I even want to know?"
"I cloned myself so I could pet myself."
"I don't want to know." Kryptos deadpanned and floated back out.
"What's his problem?" Miz asked as she leaned back against my warm bricks. "You think the guy's never seen someone split their consciousness in half before." Bill tutted as he continued running his fingers through my hair.
Ok. This was getting too weird.
"Now we just need to appear in public somewhere together and REALLY drive the universe nuts."
"You think anyone will suspect you're actually me?"
"Pfth! Why would the GREAT Bill Cipher be a powerless human child?"
"Think we can go for a third and have Jan here too?"
"I don't see why not."
Jan appeared in the room now. He blinked and shook his head. "Wow, dizzy."
"Hey. We can sing a three part harmony now. We should start a band!" Miz grinned.
"I call dibs on playing the piano!" Bill said excitedly.
"I call the drums!" Jan materialized a drum set.
"Does that mean I'm stuck on guitar?" Miz pouts. "The guitar is almost as big as I am!"
Keyhole moaned about getting a headache and left the room.
I talked to myself for a few hours. It was a surreal experience. At one point we all went into triangle form and reenacted 'Bill Cipher orders a pizza' while my friends worried for my sanity. Fun times.
---
Jan was on the piano, his long fingers easily pressing the keys. I'm incredibly proud of being able to actually play instruments. Never had the time to learn as a human. It always made me sad because as much as I loved music, I was incapable of making my own. Miz sat on the bench next to him, to me. Making copies of myself always felt so surreal.
William was there too. His large eye was practically sparkling as he bounced excitedly.
I was finally gonna do this. We were finally gonna do this. Xin was just as hyped for this as the rest of us, of me. His tail kept twitching unconsciously with pent up emotion.
Bill was floating above the piano watching the lot of us, me. Oh my god pronouns are HARD! So either way, five of us altogether in a room with the piano music. We were gonna finally do this. A minor childhood dream I've had since elementary school.
The notes reached the starting point and we all began singing together.
"525600 minutes~ 525000 moments so dear~ 525600 minutes~ how do you measure~ measure a year~"
Yes. I was really doing this. My childhood dream of doing a chorus song by myself was finally coming true. How old was I when I first learned this song? 8? 9? Fuck if I know. My Elementary school music teacher taught us some pretty varied songs. We sang Seasons of Love, Simple Gifts, 康定情歌, Scarborough Fair and 茉莉花.
"In daylights~ in sunsets~ in midnights in cups of coffee~ in inches~ in miles in laughter and strife~"
Amorphous Shape and PaciFire wandered in, curious about the music and just froze at the doorway.
"In 525600 minutes~ how do you measure a year in a life~"
"What's happening?" Ammy whispered to PaciFire. "I think we need to get Keyhole here. He'll be so upset if he missed this." They quickly left as I/we began singing about love.
Keyhole was rushed into the room by a frantic Ammy.
"-how about looOoooOove~ measuring love~"
As the other Mes began the next part of the song, Miz ran to grab Keyhole's hand. "Come on Keyhole! You can sing with us!" She giggled.
"B-but I don't know the words..." He stammered as he looked at my tiny hand holding onto his. I head-butt him lightly and transferred a copy of the tune and lyrics directly into his mind. "Oh. Wow." He gasps as Miz pulls him to stand next to William.
"-easons of lol love~" "Looooove~" "LoooOoooove~" "Loove~"
William grins at Keyhole and slings an arm around his shoulders. Keyhole is smiling widely as he sings along. His voice isn't the best, but neither is Bill's, it doesn't matter though as the power of a chorus harmonized us all together.
"-five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes~ how do you measure the life of a woman or man~" Xin sang his part clear and loud. Bill gives a 'Woo!' in the background.
Jan throws back his head with a delighted grin as he takes the next verse even as his arms continue playing the piano. "In truths that she learned~ or times that he cried~ in bridges he burned~ or the way that she diiiiiiied~"
"It's time now~ to sing out~ though the story never ends~ lets celebrate and remember a year in the life of friends~"
"Remember the Loooove~" "LoooOoooOoove~" "LooOooove~"
Kryptos had come in at some point and was sitting quietly through the performance. Ronica was bouncing and humming along to the music even as she came into the room. "Geez, Bill should have told us he was gonna have a mini concert." She pouted.
"Measuring love~ seasons of love~" "LooOooove~" "Oh you've got to remember the love~" "Looove~"
Miz was already tearing up and Xin not far behind her. "Season of LooOooove~" the song wound down and we stood quietly as the last note trailed away.
"WOO! That was awesome!" Bill flew in excited circles and cheered. Miz giggled and William squealed. Jan stretched out his arms and sighed in content.
"You think we could pull off Hamilton?" Xin ponders.
"Naw, you know we can't rap for shit. There's no way any of us can pull off Lafayette." Bill shoots the idea down.
"Les Miserables?" Miz asks.
"I don't remember all the songs and I know you don't either." William sighs.
"Fiddler on the roof?" Jan spins on the bench to face the rest of us, standing up to walk over.
""Tradition~ tradition!!"" Miz and Xin sang together.
"Ugh, but who's gonna play the father?" William groans.
"Bill can be the papa! Right papa?" Miz bats her eyelashes at me, at Bill (dear lord this is getting weird) and I shudder. "Please don't call me papa, that's...really fucked up."
"Well you created us so that technically means-"
"No. Shut up Miz."
Miz pouts, turns to Jan and whines "Jan-gohgo! Papa doesn't acknowledge us as his children!"
Jan gasps dramatically "How awful! Don't worry muih-mui! I'm sure our dearest father is simply embarrassed to show his true feelings!"
"Papa-Bill is a tsun-tsun!" William cackles.
"I'm NOT a tsundere! Oh my god! Xin! Back me up here!"
Xin stares at me completely stone faced and says "Tsun-tsun."
"I hate all of you!" Bill pouts at us as we start laughing hysterically.
Kryptos leans close to Keyhole and whispers "Do you ever think maybe Bill's gotten MORE insane since he's started doing this?"
"Eh. He seems like he's having fun though."
Pyronica leans over the two of them to whisper as well. It's funny how they still think I can't hear them. I've got 5 sets of ears now after all.
"I think Bill's just lonely."
"But...he's got US." Kryptos exclaims as he looks at us quickly. We're still keeping the pretense of a funny argument by figuring out who 'Mommy' is.
"Well we don't talk to him as comfortably as...they, as he, does to himself." Pyronica looks sad.
"That's because he's Bill Cipher! What if we joke around with him and accidentally hurt his feelings or make him mad?" Keyhole gasps.
"Bill would never hurt you. You know that." Pyronica says firmly. Keyhole shakes his head "I actually meant that I didn't want to make her cry again…it makes me feel like a real jerk, you've know her the longest right Ronica?"
"Technically Xanthar knows him longer but I get your point. I know Bill. He's sensitive. He cares a lot. He just has weird ways of showing it sometimes."
"But…I've heard about what happened with Handsy…" Keyhole says fearfully.
"Handsy brought it on himself." Pyronica snarled. "Bill's always been picky about who gets to touch him, and when. Getting betrayed in such a way after he let his guard down was just…awful." Pyronica says simply. "We're STILL helping him get over that. He's gotten much better at trusting US to touch him and he doesn't freak out when other people get close to him anymore."
"But how can we tell when he's feeling what?" Keyhole frets.
"Well you COULD just ask me."
The three jump and turn to see William pouting at them.
All the other Mes already despawned.
"Really though. You know you can always ask. If I'm in a bad mood, I'll let you know so you can stay out of my way. And if I'm feeling lonely I'll tell you so I don't have to talk to myself."
"S-sorry Bill..." Keyhole stutters.
"Seriously kid. It's fine. You guys are my friends. I don't know if you'll believe me but I really do love you guys."
"Oh." Keyhole turns brown and smiles awkwardly. "Um...I'm...well...it's not you Bill...it's just..."
"I don't mean it THAT way." I roll my eye.
"Oh thank the Key gods." Keyhole slumps in relief. "I mean, no offense or anything."
"It's FINE Keyhole. You're not really my type either."
"What IS your type? Like, aesthetically speaking?" Kryptos asks a little quickly. "I've seen your interview as Jan-Jan, and assuming your answers were truthful..."
I wordlessly gesture to myself. "Jan and Xin. I made them purposely attractive according to my tastes in more organically structured beings. I do appreciate a nice triangle too, sadly that seems to be a rare shape in the multiverse. But that's just for if I'm going for an attractive form to admire."
"So what about Miz?"
"Miz is...special. Her form is based on someone I knew. A long time ago." I say wistfully.
They seemed to think it was a sad subject so they quickly start talking about other stuff. It was odd how they seemed more at ease around me when I'm not a Triangle. Maybe aliens just found triangles intimidating?
-—-
Can I just say how weird it is to have fans? To have a whole community of people who actually like me? Sure they don't know who/what I really am but like...it's still pretty great.
I'm afraid of people figuring out who I really am. I'm so afraid of losing this. Losing their affection. Losing their cheers and admiration. Losing that stage where I can just dance and sing and forget everything. Being greeted with smiles was so refreshing and I craved it. Also, their worship is quite delicious.
So I keep holding performances. My manager insists on me promoting myself better. He still wants me officially signed on to a record label and company. I keep refusing for obvious reasons. So many people want to know more about the mysterious Jan-Jan. No one knows who I am. What species of alien I am. My background, my history or where I came from aside from the fact that it no longer exists.
This mystery drives everyone nuts and also makes them more interested in me. I read through forum posts and laugh at the ridiculous theories people have been coming up with.
Jan is a runaway prince from his vanished dimension.
Jan is a god of music who only gains a physical form when performing.
Jan is just a normal kid who spends all his time listening to music secluded away from society to fully embrace his craft. That's why he never appears in public aside from his concerts and the occasional short interview.
Jan is an artificial being created by the Federation to brainwash the general public through his hypnotic music.
Jan isn't real and all his concerts are mass hallucinations. This particular theory was debunked quickly due to all the video footage of my concerts.
A big part of the mystery is that fact that Jan doesn't seem to exist. Aside from a Federation ID he registered back when he started getting famous, there are no records of him. It's like he just...appeared out of nowhere one day and vanishes just as mysteriously. Even the tracking on the ID didn't show any real activity aside from money being deposited into Jan's bank account or being transferred to charity donations.
There's no bank activity otherwise. No purchases or anything else that the Feds can use to track me down. I was a ghost. It was hilarious how hard people where trying dig into my personal history. It's been a few decades and STILL people knew nothing about me.
Of course they won't find anything. My constructs were built from the ground up. Jan's physical body was completely different from Bill's triangle form. Even if both of us were scanned down to our molecular make up we would register as two completely separate and different individuals. Unless I changed forms right in front of someone, there's no way for anyone to know that Space Idol Jan-Jan is Bill Cipher.
At the very least, I won't be found out that way.
So it would be alright to appear in public right? I may be fearful of people finding out who I am, but I also really wanted to troll people. I don't use social media much aside from a private chat room with my online friends and a Tumblr blog I started (thedappercornchip.tumblr.com) by getting Hectorgon's help hacking into the BBS system's out of time signals.
Keyhole and the others used social media. I wonder if I should try making my own Tweeter or something. Jan-Jan's Tweeter huh? That actually sounds fun.
But anyway, I had a ThemTube channel for Jan. I mainly post videos of my concerts for people who've missed them and myself playing music, my concerts are full of high energy songs because they're more appropriate for a concert but I have so many slow songs I love. My ThemTube channel had plenty of the soft, soulful songs that I liked. Also my embarassing attempts at opera.
I film myself in my room in the Nightmare Realm. Part of me wanted to mess with my fan base. It's not like they can track me down there. My room is decorated with all sorts of anime and manga paraphernalia along with my arts and crafts stuff. Pretty much, even if people can see my room, they wouldn't be able to use it to find out who I am or where I am. I upload a video of me just playing with a guitar and laugh at the explosion of comments. Messing with my fans is fun.
I lean back on my chair and wonder if I was taking this 'hobby' too far. I was pretty much creating a REAL separate identity for myself. But you know what? Who cares. This double life thing was fun. It was nice to blow off steam with a fun concert full of people who appreciate me! It's not like I haven't made multiple other identities already.
I liked being appreciated. I feel a little bad that I'm going off and seeking approval from strangers for the sake of my own self esteem. Then again, my self esteem was kinda shit. This might be good for me.
I giggle at some of the comments on my videos. Trolling people was just too much fun. Well enough of this, Pyronica's due date was coming up so I better get home now and check on her stomach again.
---