Please dear God, let me remember this all, every one of her laughs, every little smile. Every movement of her body. Just let me remember.
—
"Ok, favorite movie?" She asks me.
"Anything Marvel, absolutely love it. When I was younger I told Auntie Lo I was going to become Tony Stark when I got older."
"Little Marvel fan."
"Big Marvel fan." I correct her. She pulls out her phone and flips it over showing me the case. All Marvel characters with a pop socket that has the classic Marvel logo.
"I guess you are too."
"Very much so, Tonys is my favorite too, then probably Peter, Nat you know that group like MJ and Gwen. Not a huge Dr. Strange fan. I don't love Thor but the new Thor: Love and Thunder was absolutely amazing. Literally had me crying. I love all the Avengers movies. Cap's movies are ok but I love the Civil War one. Wanda, I like her because she's a badass and could kill you so easily. But she's not my favorite. Black Panther love, Hulk he's mid, Ant-Man, he's alright. Love all the badass women like Natasha, Gamora, Pepper, Mantis, Yelena, Valkyrie, and Jane. All those lovely ladies."
"I pretty much agree with all that, but how can you not like Thor?"
"He's just not my favorite. I do like him when his eyes glow blue and you can see how powerful he is when the lighting is like coursing through him."
"That's the only time you like him?"
"Pretty much."
"We'll just have to agree to disagree."
"I can live with that."
"So, tell me more about where you grew up?"
"I don't want to talk anymore, let me hear about you."
"Ok, I was born October 31st, 1998 at 3:36 a.m."
"You were born on Halloween?"
"Yep."
"Do you like Halloween or does having your birthday on it ruin it?"
"Oh no, I absolutely love it. It's like getting presents from strangers."
"Cute."
"I've never had any pets. But if I ever do I've always wanted to name it Blue or Magenta from Blue's Clues. Then its middle name would be Sweet Pea or Apollo from The Pajanimals."
"Have you seen the new Blues Clues?"
"Yeah, it sucks."
"Literally!! The guy who plays it is just not as good. And it's too animated."
"Honestly. Some shows are just meant to end when the person leaves."
"I agree full-heartedly."
"What else... My favorite TV show is Kickin' it. I've raced Go Karts before when I was younger. I fully hate oceans, they're terrifying. Especially when the seaweed gets tangled around your ankle and you think an octopus has latched onto you so you start flailing around your leg only to realize it was just seaweed. And you were freaking out over nothing."
"Charlie used to race those, did for quite some time then he had to go up to the next level which meant more money and he didn't completely love it so he stopped."
"Do you ever think that if you didn't space yourself from him you guys would still be close?"
"I think about it all the time. People would always be astonished about how close he and I were. How much love we had for one another." I let out a sad laugh remembering something "When my mom told Charlie about my depression he texted her back telling her that if I was getting bullied or whatever he would beat the shit out of them and that no one messes with his little sister. So maybe, but also maybe not."
"Do you ever wish it was different?"
"All the goddamn time. We were best friends, I mean sure I didn't share every piece of my life with him as I do with my friends and neither did he. But I could tell when he needed to be cheered up. He could tell when I needed to be cheered up. He came to all my games, I went to all of his. We cheered for each other. I always and forever will want the best for him. That stuff will never change. But people do, we just slowly drifted away, he made his multi-millionaire business and I built a small bookstore. You can tell what one the family is obviously more proud of."
"I bet they're proud of you."
"I've lived on my own for four years and not once have I ever received a Christmas card from my parents, Charlie, my grandparents. None. Not even a Happy Birthday card. It's like a big game of how long does it take them to notice I'm missing."
"Never heard of that game."
"It's a game I would play if I was at a big event when I was younger. I would disappear from everyone and see how long it took someone to come looking for me. Ninety percent of the time no one came looking for me, they just happened to see me out of the corner of their eye and walk towards me. It would always just remind me that I'm not so important."
"Hey, you're important to me and to all your friends."
"Yeah, I do have some pretty amazing friends, they take up that ten percent that actually looked for me."
"Indeed you do."
"Tell me more about your childhood, please."
"Well, we moved here when I was four, my mom died when I was five. Dad left here when I was six. I moved in with Auntie Lo, Cole and Milo both live up over the hill so we would always be at one another's house. Mostly at Grace's grandmother's house because she's Milo's cousin. And Grammie Sue had a pool so we always swam. Grace lived with her grandmother by the way. We are all pretty much family so we would just walk into each other's house, say hello to their family and then run upstairs to their room. I would go over to Coles even if Cole wasn't there and just hang out with his dad in the garage. Cole's dad was basically my dad, since Auntie Lo took me in when she was twenty, she never really got to explore. She chose me over finding someone to love her. She says she doesn't regret it, but I think she does."
"She's only what, thirty-nine, why doesn't she explore now?"
"Trust me, I've tried to get her to leave, to get her to explore and live a little. But she doesn't want to. I don't know if it's because she is actually happy or if she just doesn't want to."
"What's your motto?" Carmella asks out of the blue.
I think about it for a second then say. "No one is ever sure about anything, they do it and hope for the best possible outcome. So, let's hope."
"I've never heard that."
"I used to say it a lot when I was a kid. If I was doing something I wasn't necessarily supposed to be doing my friends would ask 'are you sure?' and I would always say 'No one is ever sure about anything, they do it and hope for the best possible outcome. So, let's hope.' What about you, what's your motto?"
"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make raspberry pie and leave everyone asking 'how the fuck did she do that?' I have many, but that's definitely the one I like the most."
"I like yours."
"I like yours too."
"Come on, tell me about your childhood," I ask.
"Nothing much to tell, I don't remember most of it, and the parts I do remember I was depressed."
"You don't have one memory that sticks out."
"I remember having a blast in seventh grade. Other than that, not really."
"Come on, there's gotta be something in that brain of yours."
"I do remember when Charlie and I were like five and ten we had these big blankets, his was a royal blue, and mine was pink. We would lay them out on the living room floor and then roll ourselves into a burrito. Afterwards, we would try to stand up but obviously fail dramatically." She says with a little laugh.
"Sounds fun."
"It was," she says with a nod.