CHAPTER 8 – THE COMMAND PIT
Barney feigned a smile as the soldiers at the Command Pit gate in the capital, Demos, checked his entry permit from the Minister of Defense, awarded him following Monro's demand to add him to the ministerial team on security issues in times of peace and war. He was appointed in particular to fulfill his role as Monro's personal comedian and as the ultimate general war comedian, also on the recommendation of Prof. Cheers, the President's consultant for mental health and positive ministerial thinking, especially in times of emergency. Barney developed a feeling of personal satisfaction and importance at the sight of the soldiers who crossed his way in the corridors and saluted him with gravity and seriousness as appropriate to an important person while he returned a quick and totally unimpressive salute that sometimes-evoked laughter which he tried to avoid as often as possible due to the importance of his position. At the end of a long walk, Barney reached a large lobby at the far end of which was a heavy and impressive metal door. In the building's lobby, eight tall, thin sergeants sat and ate on paper plates at an ugly plastic table. They ate unsatisfying basic food from cans and drank bottles of mineral water. When they saw Barney, four of them stood up, smiled, saluted him, and walked with him down the hall until they reached a metal table, prettier than the plastic one – where four lieutenants, shorter that the sergeants, were eating a meal that included Hamburgers and salads. The officers were stouter than the sergeants, and they were waited on by six tall, thin sergeants. The sergeants who had accompanied Barney returned to their table. Two lieutenants stood up, saluted Barney with frowns because their meal had been interrupted. They walked with him to an armored iron door at the entrance to the command hall; it looked like the door to a sophisticated bank safe. Two lieutenant colonels sat comfortably on padded chairs by the door, around a fancy table with fine wine and gourmet food. These officers were shorter than all the preceding soldiers and the fat rolled out all over their bellies. Their waiters were first lieutenants and there was an additional first lieutenant in charge of the sophisticated and expensive barbecue on the side on which he grilled some high-quality steaks. The two first lieutenants who had accompanied Barney went back to their table. The two lieutenant colonels looked at Barney with a lack of interest and continued to dine and drink while he stood beside them like an unneeded object. After a while, the two lieutenant colonels finished their coffee, held their fragrant cigars, stood up and signaled him to accompany them to the shielded entrance where there was a complicated digital installation that photographed the pupils of Barney's eyes, his fingerprints, facial portrait, and his personal ID. Next, the secret installation thanked Barney with a warm smile and sweet talk and opened the iron door slowly. Barney felt like Indiana Jones standing at the gate to a dark and unknown world. On the other side of the door, he saw a hall divided into two sections. In the front part, officers and soldiers stood in front of sophisticated computer screens and all sorts of the most advanced and complicated brightly illuminated technical devices. Barney continued and reached a giant padded door that led to the second, inner section. Two permanent guards opened the door to Barney and closed it behind him. He stood there astonished at the sight of what seemed like a beautiful desert oasis. Monro was wearing a Marine combat uniform with all the medals and the dubious decorations he had bought at regular public sales. The government members and Prof. Cheers sat on furniture in the style of Louis the 14th, in front of the most advanced giant plasma, LCD, and LED screens while dining on food prepared by an exclusive restaurant. They were served at their tables by experienced waiters and waitresses. Beautiful female soldiers sat on the sofa in front of them, smiling at them sweetly and seductively. Everyone seemed to be using a hi-tech device and the newest communication device from an unknown generation while screaming into his device at someone who was actually standing beside him.
Barney raised his voice:
"Hello Mr. President Monro, how are you? I arrived as soon as possible."
They all shouted back "Hi Barney!" And waved in salute without showing real interest.
Monro waved at him.
"Come Barney, join us. I'm just finishing my meal."
Barney sat beside Monro while everyone turned to him, jealous of the special treatment that Barney was getting. The waiters finished cleaning the tables, served ice cream, and spectacular whipped cream covered cakes.
The Chief of Staff said to Monro:
"Mr. President, I suggest sending a calming message to President Aswad on your red phone."
Prof. Cheers looked with contempt at the Chief of Staff, (and at the ministers who agreed with his suggestion) who flinched when he realized that he had angered Monro. Consequently, Monro jumped towards the red phone and shattered it with one Karate chop while he shouted:
"The next person to suggest appeasing the Islamic Forces and showing more respect for Aswad than for me will get a Karate chop from me that will end his life; you rat, worthless cowards." Prof. Cheers praised Monro for his determination.
"Good for you Mr. President, I suggest that you take action as soon as possible and with all force. You are the ruler, the king, the Caesar of the Democratic Organization. Aswad does not scare us." She saluted him with pride, adding "You are invincible."
She stood in her place, clapping her hands enthusiastically and stared at the people around her who also stood up, and joined her in clapping their hands. To Barney, this business seemed like an imaginary and stupid reality show on TV, but Barney also happily joined in and clapped his hands. Monro felt thrilled and happy, in his greatest glory as an admired leader and said:
"It's okay my friends, let's stop clapping our hands and view the screen. I want reports from the front, from all the forces in the field. I want to know what is going on and do not take any more phone calls from anyone, especially from Shilton . I don't want to hear from Aswad's friend, the ass kisser of the Islamic Forces."
The Commander of the Democratic Forces in the border area facing the Islamic Forces asked all the commanders of the Democratic troops in the field to report to him, to the Chief of Staff, and to President Monro at the command pit immediately. The troop commanders, however, were unaware that the Islamic Intelligence which used espionage satellites and other modern, sophisticated devices that they had purchased from the Democratic Organization, secretly recorded their conversations. Each one of the troop commanders reviewed the sheet in front of him and planned to report. While he reported, he appeared on the various screens.
The infantry commander:
"We need maps, tracer bullets, lights, several types of guns for the desert, Hummer type cars for desert warfare, and the food is almost finished. The food will only last one more day."
The armored corps commander:
"Most of the tanks didn't undergo routine tune-ups and their condition is bad, some don't have replacement parts, the crews are untrained, there isn't enough fuel for prolonged combat."
The commander of the engineering corps:
"Most of the heavy vehicles have become obsolete or are being repaired or are not suitable for combat."
The commander of the communication and intelligence corps:
"Unfortunately, you didn't provide a budget for new equipment acquisition and the existing equipment is defective. The intelligence corps did not get additional people for a more intensive work. We lack a sophisticated, upgraded, and up-to-date infrastructure for intelligence work."
Monro distorted his face with disgust and addressed the Chief of Staff:
"Make these losers shut up. I need to talk with all these commanders immediately."
The Chief of Staff:
"Pay attention, this is your Chief of Staff. The President will soon talk with all the corps commanders, listen carefully."
Barney smiled to himself with satisfaction, hoping that the Commanders' reports might lead to the postponement of the war and maybe a peaceful solution could be found. Such a solution was necessary to both sides as air is for breathing. An upset Monro put his mouth closer to the microphone on his desk and spoke impressively while appearing on the corps commanders' screens.
"Hello, my dear brothers. Your supreme commander is speaking to you, the President of the Selected Democratic Organization, the supreme leader of your army, the supreme general of all the commanders in the field. The Free Islamic Forces declared war against the Selected Democratic Organization and our army will protect the Selected Democratic Organization and its citizens and will win as we always do."
Prof. Cheers whispered something in his ear, and he continued with greater determination and pathos:
"Stop your defeatist sobbing regarding the matters of equipment, weapons, manpower, and infrastructure," he added arrogantly, "since they're already being taken care of and fixed during the combat. You have always won until today and you will always defeat the enemy."
Like a prophet, he raised his hands upward in some sort of prayer.
"All the citizens of the Selected Democratic Organization and citizens of the world, I congratulate you today and God, too, will give you, his blessing. The evil Islamic Forces have already made a move. Fight the enemy until your last breath and you will win the war."
Barney did not believe what he saw. The lust for power had defeated the truth, conscience, and common sense. A deafening burst of applause was heard from all military commanders and from people in the hall as Monro bowed and sat down again in his giant expensive seat with a face glowing from power and authority.
At the same time, in the palace of President Aswad of the Islamic Forces, his Chief of Staff, his Command Officers, Mike Satanic and other overweight government people whose obesity emphasized their ugliness finished watching Monro's speech on their enormous TV screens, transmitted to them via an espionage satellite. They remained in the command hall in Musulmania, sitting on ancient Arab couches at tables laden with cakes and sweet Arabic pastries, sweet almond juice in Arak glasses and hookahs.
Aswad jumped from his place as if bitten by a snake and screamed angrily:
"Look at that liar, that son of a bitch, Monro. How he is not afraid to lie and say that our army has already made a move. This contentious charlatan caused the war." Aswad turned to his Chief of Staff "Immediately bring up our corps commanders on the screens."
The corps commanders appeared on the screens with their serious, tensed, and worried faces while Aswad stood and threatened:
"I heard from you about the problems and shortage of weapons, equipment, and manpower. It is not bad; I am taking care of everything immediately. You should know, however, that the Democratic Organization has already moved its army with the intention to fight and eliminate the Islamic Forces, our noble, peace-seeking country. Monro is interested in murdering our citizens and raping our wives and daughters. The Islamic army will defeat the Democratic army, a mean and imperialistic army whose equipment and weapons are obsolete. Their lazy, stoned soldiers lack the motivation and desire to fight."
Mike Satanic whispered to Aswad who immediately continued his speech.
"Monro, the democratic devil, forced his army to start a losing war. The Islamic army is a descendant of the legendary warrior Nasser-a-Din, and we are the messengers of the Prophet Muhammad, the man of peace who commands us to go on a Jihad war against Monro and his army, determined to eliminate us. The Islamic soldiers, the best of all, will go to war and eliminate the devil Monro and this arrogant and corrupt army of his. The precious, great, and dear Islamic Forces' army will win the war that was forced upon us thanks to its courage, its determination, and its real desire for peace and for a quiet and productive life. I command our brave and magnificent troops to begin a Jihad war against the army of the Selected Democratic Organization and eliminate their atheist soldiers and Monro, the devil."
Mike Satanic hugged Aswad and everyone kissed. The people stood in their places and clapped their hands enthusiastically. Each approached Aswad and Mike Satanic and hugged them with admiration.
At the same time, Barney, Monro, and the rest of the people in the hall continued watching the screen after the broadcast of Aswad's speech which had been received by their spy satellites. They were frightened when Monro suddenly screamed and used his Karate chop on the new phone that had replaced the previously smashed phone on the table.
"Do you see who we are dealing with? The lunatic who started it all just blamed me. I will send him to hell."
Monro was still full of hatred for Aswad; he made some mock Karate chops intended for Aswad.
Prof. Cheers reacted:
"Enough Monro, calm down." She held him and whispered in his ear "You are ruining everything. Do not forget that we all support you and trust you, forget Aswad. You will give yourself a heart attack or a stroke. Come on, stop it already."
They sighed with relief when Monro got himself together. In the command pits all returned and looked at the screens with concentration and astonishment while cheering at the exciting and fascinating sight of the two armies that revved their engines before heading off to a bloody war, forced upon them by power considerations, prestige, pettiness, and poor leadership. No one fully understood how it came about or how it would end.