The smell of fresh buttermilk blueberry pancakes filled the kitchen with warm and delicious smells. It was something that Ki hadn't experienced in months. It was the feeling of sitting at a table with breakfast already set. The feeling that they as a family would all sit together and consume a meal together. Ki had missed this feeling. He didn't honestly know what that feeling was but he knew that he missed the feeling of sitting at the table and having an adult take care of him. Jonathan somehow had filled this gap.
Ki Sub sat at the kitchen table while Jonathan cut up his blueberry pancakes.
"Tell me when," Jonathan instructed pouring syrup over the golden brown pancakes. "That's enough," Ki said picking up his fork. He could smell the soap Johnathan used to clean himself. He smelled great. Ki Sub felt so comfortable with Jonathan it had only been two days but he felt like Jay was his family. He didn't want him to ever leave. It was like heaven.
Jonathan poured Ki a glass of milk setting it on the table. He could hear Junsu getting ready. He grabbed a warm mug from the dishwasher and filled it with coffee adding a touch of milk but no sugar.
Junsu entered the kitchen abruptly. "Good morning." He greeted. Jonathan gave him his coffee right on cue. "Thank you," he said sipping the coffee. "Breakfast?" Jay asked Junsu.
Junsu was dressed in a black pinstripe suit with a red satin tie. Today he wore black square-frame glasses. It made him look sophisticated. "No," he said sipping his coffee. He watched his son devour the pancakes with a tinge of jealousy in his heart. Ki never ate his cooking the way he devoured Jonathan's.
"Dad this is so good, try it." Ki Sub held out his fork with a piece of the pancake on it.
Junsu leaned in he let Ki Sub feed him. The boy was correct the pancake was good.
"You know, Mr. Won, that breakfast is the most important meal of the day." Jonathan teased his boss who pretended not to hear him.
"I'm done," Ki Sub said standing up.
"Go wash your hand and grab your backpack okay," Jay instructed. He grabbed his key as Ki ran off toward his room.
"Here," Junsu pulled out a blue credit card. "You can use it to buy groceries or whatever for the house," He explained to Jay. "But whatever you charge you'll be held accountable." He warned Jay, who nodded his head understanding.
"Well, I'll be going," Junsu said standing up. Johnathan nodded. "Have a good day." Johnathan grabbed a brown paper bag that was on the counter. "Hey wait," he said running after him. Junsu turned to see what Jay wanted.
"Lunch," he handed him the bag with a smile.
Junsu looked at the bag in surprise. " aw... thanks," Junsu said feeling awkward. He grabbed his briefcase and shut the door behind him.
Jay went back to cleaning up.
"I'm ready," Ki Sub said. Johnathan held his hand shutting the door behind him.
They walked down the street following the familiar path. Jay held Ki's little hand making sure he didn't stray away. They passed a homeless man who lay on the sidewalk in filth. Ki Sub's little eyes met the man's dark ones. He felt sorry for him he was probably hungry. He was sure of it.
***
Johnathan had dropped Ki off at school. He now walked back to his own apartment to shower and change clothes. He flipped on the lights in his small apartment. His apartment was plain compared to Junsu's penthouse. It was a one-bedroom. White walls and light-colored wood floor. He went inside the bathroom turning on the shower and letting the water warm up. Jonathan went into his bedroom and laid out some fresh clothes, a pair of dark denim jeans and a blue button-down shirt. He went back to his shower and let the hot water wash him clean.
After quickly showering Jonathan wiped a large enough circle into the fogged mirror to clearly see himself in. His body was thin. He had managed to keep the muscle definition in his arms and abs but the rest of his body was wiry and thin. Jonathan pulled out a white scale from under the sink and placed it on the floor. He dropped his towel and stood on the scale. He looked at the red needle pointing to the unforgivable number. He couldn't believe what his eyes were showing him. He had gained five pounds. "What the fuck?" He cursed, pissed off at himself. What did he eat? How could he have gained weight? He followed his diet religiously. In college, he ran track and was an athlete. This was how he was able to attend college for free on an athletic scholarship. He learned in track to always watch his weight. In track, too much extra weight slowed you down.
Jonathan had developed an obsession with his weight starting in high school. He was what you would consider chubby. His older brother would tease and bully him, which motivated him to become thin. He felt like what his brother was saying was true, that he was chubby and ugly. He signed up for the track team and began his transformation. It was from then on he always felt he needed to be thin, even if it meant starving to death.
"That fucking Cappuccino," he said grabbing his towel he left the bathroom no longer wanting to be faced with the mirrors. He couldn't look at himself anymore.
Jonathan quickly got dressed when a hand grabbed his arm.
Jonathan instantly swung his arms as his flight or fight instinct turned on.
"Dude it's me," his friend said. "Miguel, dude," Johnathan sighed. "Don't scare me like that!" he yelled. "
Sorry, I forgot!" Miguel said remembering why he can't sneak up on Johnathan.
"How did you get in here?"
"I opened the door. You left it open," Miguel informed his friend. Miguel was slightly shorter than Jonathan. He had brown skin, dark black shoulder-length hair, and piercing eyes that made him a heartthrob. In school, all the girls tried to throw themselves at Miguel.
"You weren't here last night and I needed to crash here," Miguel complained to Jay.
"Oh, I got a job," Jay told him. "As a maid for this messed up family."
Miguel raised his eyebrows. "A maid?"
"What's wrong with a man being one?" Jay frowned. "Gender discrimination is really prevalent in the US." Johnathan shook his head in disbelief that everyone thought of maids as a woman-only job. There were male nurses so there could be male maids.
"No, we just call them custodians," Miguel laughed. "There's nothing wrong with being a custodian or maybe a housekeeper."
Jonathan was an orderly guy that was skilled at domestic work. Miguel figured it was because of the way Jay was raised, specifically because of his mother. She was a strict woman with tough rules and procedures to follow. Miguel remembered going home with Jonathan over Christmas break. Jay's mom made them take their shoes off at the front door and they had to shower before bed. It was like they were in the army. Everything was on schedule, a schedule that couldn't be broken.
"The family isn't much of a family," Jay told Miguel. "The household consist of a thirty-eight-year-old divorced man and a seven-year-old boy," Jay explained to his friend. "They really seem nice and the father is pretty well to do."
"Really?" Miguel asked.
"Yea," Jay pulled out the credit card. "He gave me this credit card to use for groceries and other stuff."
"Oh, so he's rich, rich." Miguel joked. "Is the pay good?" Miguel was curious maybe he should become a maid as well.
"Twenty-five dollars an hour, which is good for me," Jay explained. "I can pay my rent, and then some."
Miguel nodded his head in agreement "Yea, I'm so becoming a maid." He laughed.
"What's up?" Jay asked wondering why Miguel came over. "I heard Casey is getting married. I wanted to know if it was true."
"What?" Jay hadn't heard about it. He and Casey dated when he was in high school but they realized that they weren't right for each other. Jay realized he didn't like women and Casey was the one to make him come to terms. They decided to break up but remained friends throughout college. "I don't know. She hasn't told me anything." Jay was honest.
"Oh," Miguel wondered. Everyone knew in college she had a hot's for Jay. Even when they broke it off, Miguel could see the love in her eyes for Jay. A lot of girls in college wanted Jay, especially the good girls, it was something about Jay that attracted them to him.
But Jay didn't seem to pay any attention to them or anyone actually. He seemed to express no romantic interest in anyone. Miguel attributed it to the incident that happened when they were younger. No one ever talked about what had happened that day; it was like an ignored event that everyone regressed in their minds.
"I'm going grocery shopping wanna come?" Jay asked his friend. "No, but I'll catch you later Jay," Miguel said leaving.
Jay grabbed his black backpack and headed out.
***
He pushed a small shopping cart down the cramped isles of the Asian food market. He bought rice and some other things he had no idea about. As he shopped in the market he noticed that many of the patrons who were of East Asian descent were looking at him. "They must not get very many people that look like me around here," Jay thought to himself.
"Hello sir, can I help you?" A small Korean woman asked him. The woman was young maybe twenty-five years old. She had long black hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. Her face was round with high cheekbones, her eyes bright and full of life. Jay was happy she came to his aid because he was in need of some help.
"Where is this? Jay pointed to the notes he wrote down. "Danmuji?" she pronounced for him. This was a type of yellow pickled radish, a Korean delicacy. He was sure Ki Sub would like it.
"Oh over here," the woman pointed out helping him. "Are you making Korean food?" she inquired.
"Yes," Jonathan explained. " Or at least I'm trying to. Today will be my first time cooking this," He opened a piece of paper showing her his notes. "Kim Bap and Bi Bim Bap." He looked at his sheet. He hoped he was pronouncing it correctly.
"Oh," The woman's eyes lit up in recognition slightly impressed that he was trying to cook dishes from her homeland. "Do you have a sushi roller?" she asked grabbing one that was on the shelf near them. "Like this?"
"No, Do I need it?" he asked.
"Yea it makes the Kim Bap perfect." She smiled at Jay.
"Well then I'll take it," He said pulling out the blue MasterCard.
***
Jonathan started preparing dinner for tonight. He checked the clock on the wall. He had about an hour before Ki would be getting out of school. He hoped this meal would turn out well. He had pulled up Youtube on his phone and watched numerous influencers make Gim Bap. It was harder than he thought to roll the perfect rolls.
Jonathan placed the green seaweed covered with rice on the sushi roller. He tried to remember the tips the store clerk gave him. He then placed the beef and the bright yellow Danmuji on the roll. He rolled the bamboo roller over trying to make a perfect cylinder applying pressure to get it to roll perfectly.
"Shit!" Jonathan cursed. "What am I doing wrong?" he yelled.
Unfortunately, the first two rolls were a complete disaster. After about two more tries he finally got it right or at least presentable. He was able to roll the Gim Bap into a perfect cylinder.
He sliced the rolls and placed them on a white oval-shaped platter. They looked similar to the maki rolls you would find in a sushi place. Johnathan stepped back to admire his work it looked so beautiful he just hoped it tasted as good as it looked. Jay covered the plate in plastic wrap to preserve its freshness. He checked his watch, as it was time to pick Ki up from school.
Ki Sub wondered if Jay would remember to pick him up. He stood in the hall waiting. He began to feel nervous. What if Jay forgot too?
"Ki Sub," Jay called to him. Ki Sub turned to see Jay approaching him.
"Jay," he yelled walking towards him. "You made it," he smiled.
"Yes, two minutes early," Jay said raising his brow. "Are you ready?" Ki nodded his little head ready to leave school and head home.
Jay held Ki Sub's hand and they both walked home together.
***
At home, Ki Sub finished his math homework, while sitting at the kitchen table.
"Tell me about your day," Jay wanted to know.
"It was a normal day," Ki tried to recall interesting events. "I finished my math book so they gave me a new one." He told Jay who smiled at his accomplishment. "A new math book?" Jay questioned. He had never heard of a kid finishing a math book, but then again he went to a public high school. He assumed that private schools would be more rigorous with the curriculum.
"Congratulations Ki," He praised him.
Ki smiled back enjoying the praise and attention Jay gave him. It gave him the motivation to finish his homework.
Jay continued cooking dinner as Ki worked on his homework. He helped him out whenever Ki asked for help. "Jay," Ki called out. Jay's back was toward him as Jay sautéed beef over the stove. "Yes, " he responded as he cooked.
"Can I ask you something?" Ki's voice was serious.
"Go for it."
"What's a divorce?" he asked.
Jay almost knocked the pot off the stove in shock at hearing the question. "Um," he said unsure of what he could say to answer this question. Should he even be answering this question? Would Junsu approve or not? Jay felt conflicted as to what his options were.
"My mom and dad are divorced," Ki offered his own answer. "So does it just mean we won't live together anymore?" He looked at Jay. "But why did they get divorced?" Ki wanted to know. "Does it mean mom doesn't love me?" he asked sadness in his voice. "She sent me here without her."
"Oh no, nothing like that," Jay comforted Ki. He really didn't know why Junsu got divorced but he did not want Ki to be sad or feel unloved. "Your parent still love you," he said calmly trying to explain to Ki. "They love you very much, more than anything in the world." He clarified wiping his hands as he took a seat next to Ki.
"A divorce is when two people who were once in love fall out of love," Jay explained the simplest way he could.
"So they don't love each other anymore?" Ki asked. Jay nodded to confirm.
Ki started to cry and the tears trailed down his face. Jay's eyes went wide at Ki's reaction. "Oh my God," He thought. "What did I do?" He silently cursed himself.
"Stop crying Ki," Jay said pulling him onto his lap.
"Listen, they do not hate each other," Jay rationalized. He wasn't sure if he was making things better or worse. "No, they still care about each other and they do love each other."
"But you said they don't love each other." Ki corrected him.
"Uh," Jay felt like he was going in circles. "There are different types of love," He was literally making it up as he went along. "Okay," He had figured out a way to explain it. "For example, you love your dad right?" he asked Ki. Ki nodded his head. "Yea, I do."
"The way you love your dad is different from the love you have for your wife and the love you have for your wife is different from the love you have for your dad." He hoped he was making sense "Loving your dad that's called family love. When you're a family you always love each other and never fall out of love." But when you're married it's called... lovers. This type of love can break. Does that make sense?" Jay asked worryingly. "Yes," Ki paused to think about everything Jay told him. "You're saying mom and dad are lovers but that love is broken. So now they only have family love like what I feel for dad!"
"Uh yea," Jay said amazed by this kid's ability to make a puzzle complete. "Let's stop this conversation and eat dinner," Jay suggested, not wanting any more questions that could potentially get him fired.
Jay was proud of the meal he made for Ki. It was a Korean dish he'd made using the cookbook Ki suggested he use along with assistance from youtube.
"What do you think?" Jay wanted to know.
"It's pretty good very close to how my mom makes it," Ki said honestly.
"Hmm, so I need more practice," he said as he peeled a banana.
"Did you have a big lunch again?" Ki asked noticing that Jonathan only ate a banana during dinner. He never seemed to eat dinner with them.
"Something like that," Jay said. "I'm on a diet." He revealed this to Ki so he wouldn't ask him this again tomorrow.
"But you're not fat," Ki said. "My mom goes on diets when she's fat but you're skinny."
"You think so?" he asked. "Yea, you should eat," Ki said finishing the rice on his plate.
"Why don't you go shower and get ready for bed?
"Okay," Ki said running off.
Jonathan thought about Ki's comments. A part of Jay wanted to eat but the other side would die if he gained any more weight. He struggled with this demon for years. He had tried to overcome it but every time he would someone would make a comment about his appearance. As harmless as the comment would be it resonated within his soul, tearing him down, and making him feel subpar about his appearance and himself.
He was hungry too. Jay eyed the Korean food on the table before he could stop himself his hand grabbed a piece of Gim Bap popping it into his mouth. He couldn't believe how delicious it was. He grabbed another piece then another; before he could stop himself he had eaten seven pieces of Gim Bap.
Jay felt frustrated that he had consumed seven pieces of that roll filled with carbs and fat.
He ran into the master bath raising the toilet seat sticking his finger down his throat feeling for that place to make him gag and empty everything into the toilet. He'd found it and minutes later his stomach was completely empty. He flushed the toilet. He was disgusted with himself for doing that but he couldn't gain any more weight. He was already fat and not appealing to anyone. This was why he was single. No one wanted his fat, ugly, ass.
He washed his face rinsing out his mouth. He looked at himself in the mirror this is what he'd been reduced to.
He checked on Ki Sub as if nothing had happened. Ki was still in the bathtub playing instead of bathing.
"Are you clean yet?" Jay asked it was 7:00 pm. He should have been in bed by now.
"Yes," Ki confirmed.
Jay grabbed a big white fluffy towel and dried Ki off, dressing him in some cute blue sheep pajamas. He pulled the covers back putting Ki in bed.
"Can you stay here with me?" Ki asked.
"Just until you go to sleep." He replied. Ki laid down resting his eyes. Jay lay next to him, providing that warm bodily protection he needed to go to bed.
"Jay," Ki whispered. "Was college fun?" he asked curious to know more about Jay. "Did you have a lot of friends or play sports."
"College was fun, you will go one day," Jay said smiling "At first you'll be scared to be without your dad, but it will be great." He said encouragingly. "I was on the track team in college," he added.
"So you run?" Ki asked.
"I ran the 800," Jay smiled reminiscing. "I was really good too." He laughed. "It was nice, but studying was more important." He said. "Don't you think?"
But Ki didn't answer because he was fast asleep. Jay looked at the sleeping kid next to him. The line between work and friendship had become clearly blurred. He was beginning to think of Ki as his kid rather than the kid he takes care of. He tucked him in once more kissing him on the forehead. "Goodnight."