I grabbed a newspaper from Dr. Baker's front desk and read the headlines. The court had sentenced Aiden Young to thirty five years in prison for sexual harassment, robbery, drug trafficking and murder. Aiden was the Atlas who I had a terrible crush on, the one I loved, the one who mended my broken heart and shattered it into pieces yet again.
It had been one month and I couldn't seem to erase the memories of that night. The night Atlas drugged me and took away my innocence. Something that I had treasured for the right guy only for him to masquerade to be the good guy, breaking me beyond repair. The aftermath of his rejection was burning my thighs, straining them with tape and smoking weed. For one month, I was a psychopath that my gang gave up on me and I now had no friends except for Felicia who befriended me but was emotionally unavailable. I wasn't ready to make new friends especially now that I changed schools.
The block opposite our house lived a middle aged woman who had kept Atlas(Aiden) in exchange for money. He was an orphan, someone who had spent his three and one year in the monastery before he joined a gang of misfits to escape all the preachings.
"So I heard that you're joining a new school tomorrow, how do you feel about that?" Dr. Baker walked in clad in a blue maternity dress.
"A new beginning for me but I can't pretend that it's all good when it's not. The scars are still there and the nightmares, I always dream about him, Atlas, the college boy. I should have listened to my mom before...."
"Don't dwell on the past Adora. Atlas, Aiden or whatever his name is, he's nothing to you now...not your present nor your future." She urged.
"I know. I know he's never coming back. I know that I loved him and I know he didn't even value my existence. And now because of him, I don't want to date any other guy! Fake promises, Empty love and funny way of making love." I let out a silly laughter as fresh tears welled up my eyes.
"Hey, come here. Did someone say something bad about your past? This is a safe space to let all the nasty thoughts out." She tore a piece of paper and handed it over to me. "Write down all the things you wish you'd have done much better."
"I don't need a paper, I'll tell you face to face, woman to woman how that bastard destroyed my entire life. You know what I wish I couldn't have done at all was to never trust a guy, the likes of Atlas. I had such a good orgasm...he was a ten in bed and I now I wish I'd have done much better than that. It sucked when I have to act like I'm okay. Like he didn't fuck me at all. I still feel the effect of the vibrators and the damn dildos he tortured me with. I still feel his warmth and sexy appeal. Even if I'll found myself later on, forgetting Atlas, is like death itself." I wiped a tear that had long rolled down my face.
"Do you believe in second chances?" Dr. Baker asked.
"Who doesn't? We all deserve a second chance at something or with someone. Atlas was my first love and our affair was short lived. If life gave me another chance, I'd love myself better than any other guy. It's so delusional when we believe satisfaction comes from a man. A man doesn't make you complete, after a series of frustrations, they choose someone else...they move on." I gave out my opinion.
"Never seen this optimistic side, I'm proud of you Adora. I want you to know that I'm here for you just as your family is." She clapped her hands briefly.
"Thanks." I muttered.
"I'm here if you need me."
"I know and I appreciate it." I expressed my gratitude to her. "I'm turning eighteenth this Wednesday and I would love for you to come. That's the least I can do for missing a series of therapy sessions."
"Okay, I'll come." She smiled fondly at me.
"See you next summer." I bid her goodbye and walked out.
I sighed deeply before taking a stroll to the park, the only place I went after therapy. I sat at my usual spot and watched a lovely couple getting cosy as their kids played within their reach. I marveled at the sight until someone startled me.
"Why's such a beautiful lady sitting all alone? Can I be your Romeo for just a second?" He sat beside me.
"I'm sorry, I don't fool around." I said getting up from the bench. I didn't even care to look at who he was and carried on. Every time someone called me beautiful, I questioned myself if I was actually beautiful. Beautiful was a name everyone used when something was perfect for their liking.. Beautiful was vain, beautiful was fragile, just like an egg that once broken, it was rendered helpless. Beautiful was pain and beautiful was not being good enough for Atlas that he chose my thighs over the pure love I had harbored in my heart for him. Beautiful was when I definitely didn't get a happy ending but a reassurance of giving my fucked up life another chance to fuck me up once more.
In between my thighs, there was a treasure, a treasure someone found it hot to handle...I burned for him almost exploding and then what? He left me gasping for air without a clue whether he loved fucking me wet or dry. Was I just one of those shallow waters? Even the deep ones couldn't have the college boy's crown. Women needed a reason to have sex and the men, a place...that's all they ever needed.