Chapter Four
I had been paged several times before I was due in for work. I and several surgeons did an emergency liver transplant.
The young man was only 29 but had destroyed his liver with alcohol. While we worked to remove the damaged liver, he began to bleed. His body's immunity was low, it would not clot and it was a huge risk to try a new procure Dr. Robinson and I had learned about at the last conference we attended in Haiti.
It was touch and go but mercifully, the patient was now in recovery.
After we had scrubbed out, Dr. Robinson asked me to go with him to see Liam.
I shook my head. "Sir, I don't think Liam wants to see me."
"Don't be silly, girl. Why wouldn't he want to see you? You were the one who picked out the tiny growth hiding behind his blood vessels, which we believe must have been the reason his heart had an abnormal rhythm. You practically saved the man's life."
We were at the door to Liam's hospital suite now, and I paused. Dr. Robinson stopped walking and turned to me.
"Amelia, this experience will do you good. And I'm sure it's the best thing for Liam, also."
"Sir, which experience are you talking about?"
Dr. Robinson turned to Liam, who was dressed and seated on the window seat.
Liam did not acknowledge my presence.
"Liam, good to see you sitting up today."
"I have concluded all arrangements for your discharge and Dr. Hemsworth will be the doctor going home with you."
"What?" I yelled.
"What?" Liam barked at the same time.
"Is there a problem?" Doctor Robinson looked from me to Liam, "Because I was clear when I said I will not agree to your discharge unless you had the best personal care with you. Dr. Hemsworth is by far the best I have and it's a huge sacrifice to let her stay with you while we have tons of patients coming in every day."
Liam started to speak, but Dr. Robinson interrupted him. "Either go with Amelia or stay here until I am comfortable with your recovery."
Liam put his hand to his temple and groaned.
"Ummm- Dr. Robinson, can I speak with you privately?"
"About Liam? And I guess you also want to speak to me privately about Amelia."
I was embarrassed, and I felt like disappearing from the room. Whatever special connection I'd felt with Liam was clearly gone and he couldn't stand me now.
Liam glanced at me, and then nodded.
"Liam, Amelia is autistic. She used to be pretty high on the spectrum but she fights every day to live as normally as anyone else."
Why must the fact that I'm autistic come up in every conversation? What have I worked so hard over the years to overcome if it would be so easy to keep telling everyone about it, even if they hadn't noticed?
Was it necessary for Dr. Robinson to bring it up now?
I turned to face Liam fully. "I am not retarded though, Liam. I am a competent doctor. I am sorry if anything about me turns you off or that Dr. Robinson has to apologize for. "
And with that, I stormed out of the room. "Amelia, I'm sorry." I was at the door, when he said it. His voice was very gentle but I caught it and stopped dead in my tracks. "I never meant to disrespect you. Please come as my doctor and help me out."
I changed into jeans and a white Tshirt and exited the building. I was not on call anyway, so I could leave whenever I wanted to. I sat down on a park bench and had an ice-cream sandwich.
I had broken my routine today just to get away from Liam and his strange request, and this made me a little disoriented. I recalled another one of Mrs. Brown's lessons. She said always look for the familiar in any new thing and use it to connect back to your known pattern.
So, I thought for a moment. I never left the hospital in the middle of the day, but I had ice cream sandwiches when I went for walks on my off-duty days.
So, all I needed to do was pretend I was off duty, enjoy a walk and go home.
I did a few breathing exercises and feeling a little calmer, began to enjoy my surroundings.
I had walked out all the same, even though Liam had apologized. I felt like I was trying too hard to prove something to him, and I wasn't even sure what it was. A good doctor? A woman with feelings like anyone else?
If I went with Liam, could I cope if he rejected me? Would I ever have another opportunity to be close to him if I didn't go?
I would willingly take whatever I get with this man but would it be worth it in the long run?
A few minutes later, a man sat on the bench beside me and said, "hi". I panicked, grabbed my backpack and rushed home.
The next day, when I got to the hospital, I was told that Liam had been discharged.
That's decided then. I don't need to worry about that any more. I let out a sigh, relieved.
I know I am in love with Liam, and I know it's strange, especially since he is so ill. All my life I have not known real affection from anyone. I've never been chosen by anyone.
The closest I'd ever had to family was Mrs. Brown.
I and loneliness were long-time acquaintances, and I could live with how I felt for Liam and hope that it fades away with time.
I knew for a fact that lots of work left you too exhausted to think, and taking extra shifts would help me not to think of Liam so much.
I was reading through some patients' reports at the filing station when chatter and laughter drew my attention.
It was the young man we'd done a liver transplant on. He was being discharged and It seemed his entire family had shown up for the occasion.
The family hugged and cried and hugged again. I smiled at their shared joy and felt a twinge of envy.
My own childhood had been so different. I thought of my mother for the first time in a very long time. And my childhood. And the fact that she was hardly around and even when she was, she looked at me and acted as though I were a pest she was stuck with. Until she finally gave me away.
Statistically, only 3 to 11% of children that are raised in foster care go on to attend college.
The number was even fewer for children who lived with their parents, and then the state took over their care for any possible reason.
Yet, here I am today. Dr. Emilia Hemsworth. I had been beating the odds all my life and I wasn't going to stop now.
It would have been impossible to do it though, without Mrs. Brown's care.
She stood by me and taught me everything I needed in order to beat being a stereotype and overcome the limitation society expected from me simply because I was autistic.
I waved at Peter and his family and turned to begin my morning rounds.
We were called in for neurosurgery; a girl with a twisted spine. Because I was primarily a neurosurgeon, Dr. Robinson asked me to lead and it was a smooth process.
The second case was a less complicated reconstructive surgery for a victim of fire outbreak.
I walked out of the operating room, giving my watch a quick glance. Almost 2 am. I could sleep in the doctor's lounge or go home. My weekly breakfast date with Mrs. Brown was in a few hours.
"Emilia."
I turned, and it was Liam hurrying in my direction. He was the last person I expected to see here, and my brain blanked for a second. I wasn't sure how to react. I flipped through the hundreds of notes in my head about social cues.
He stopped when he was an inch away. I took a step back.
"How may I help you?" Right? That was what I was supposed to say, right?
After all these years, I still pulled up cards to know how to respond to someone.
Liam smiled. "I wanted to thank you for everything you did while I was at the hospital."
"Liam, ummm...what are you doing here?"
Liam was still as skinny as a skeleton but his skin was no longer a deadly pallor. He was getting better. I couldn't help the smile that thought brought to my face.
"You look good," and he did to me. I was glad to see him recovering so quickly.
He shrugged and placed his hand sin his coat pockets. "I came to ask you to consider being my doctor during my recovery."
"But…you seem to be doing better."
"Dr. Robinson and my mom were good friends when she was alive. In fact, her charity was the initial major donor for this hospital. He feels an obligation to her, and frankly, if I have to do this, you're my best option."
"Why am I your best option? Because now you know that I have autism you feel sorry for me?"
As per social cues lesson 101, in order to show sincerity, eye contact was important, and I forced myself to look into people's eyes all the time just to establish normalcy.
Mrs. Brown has said as a doctor, it was important I learned it so my patients would trust me.
Right now, I couldn't do it anymore. My eyes fell to his shoulder.
"I have to go." I turned and hurried away.
"Emilia. Emilia. Hold on."
I ran out of the hospital, and I didn't stop until I was in my apartment and had shut the door firmly behind me.
I stripped off my clothes, sat on the bathroom floor and bit my arm until I tasted the bone. Then in a fit of hysteria, I banged my head very hard with my palms until I collapsed on the floor and passed out.
The next morning, I was sitting at our usual table at the corner coffee shop five minutes from the hospital and five minutes from my apartment. It was exactly 7:35, and Mrs. Brown was five minutes late.
I unwrapped my peanut butter and banana sandwich, placed a napkin around my neck and took a sip of my strawberry smoothie.
"Oh, baby girl, I am so sorry," she bent to give me a kiss and her scent filled my senses. I had been smelling that same smell since I was nine and it was familiar.
I smiled and took a bite of my sandwich."You're late. I got you a coffee and tofu scramble."
"And you are a darling girl." She unwrapped the Tofu and took a bite. "Emilia, I have told you it's inappropriate to be so frank. Telling me all the time I'm late when it's usually just five minutes." She smiled and took a sip of her coffee.
"And I have told you that it's not right to be late for our breakfast dates."
"Yes dear." She sighed. "How are you doing? How is work? Dr. Robinson treating you well?"
"The usual, Mrs. Brown. Guess what? I met someone and I touched him and it was nice."
I hadn't looked at her but I glanced up, checking her reaction.
She leaned back, smiled and said, "So, you met a man?"
"Uh-hum. Do you think someone can accept me for me? I mean without caring if I have autism?"
Mrs. Brown sighed and adjusted her cardigan over her chest. "Any man would be glad to date you, Emilia. You are beautiful, and you are brilliant."
"But you remember what happened in college?"
Mrs. Brown's hand reached across the table to cover mine. She nodded.
"That guy was a jerk."
But it was more than that. Mrs. Brown had encouraged me to try and blend more with other students on campus.
Because I had internalized the social and emotional cues Mrs. Brown had taught me, hardly anyone could tell I was autistic.
So when this guy in Political Science asked me out, Mrs. Brown encouraged me to go.
I was rigid with fear.
The first mistake we made was in choosing my outfit. Mrs. Brown said I needed something bright so she bought me a red cardigan to wear my jeans.
I never wore red. My colors were beige, white and blue. I was immediately uncomfortable.
Next, Mrs. Brown let my hair down and straightened it. My hair is a natural chestnut of loose curls that fell long past my shoulders. She put some lip gloss on my lips and brought me a mirror.
When I looked at myself, the pretty girl looking back at me didn't seem like me at all. I didn't have straight hair and I never wore makeup.
I felt like an imposter. Which is what I had been for so many years, pretending I was like anyone else.
My date promised Mrs. Brown it would be a quiet evening (that was the condition in which she let me go), but on the way there, he made a detour with, "Let's just quickly check on some friends for a minute."
That turned out to be a full blown party with the loudest music I had ever heard and way too many shouting teenagers for my comfort.
The noise was too much for me, and I pulled back but my date, Andrew, didn't notice and dragged me to a room where some guys were having a beer-drinking competition.
"We'll leave in a minute, I promise. Come on, Emilia." One minute became two, and then five, and then twenty. I became more and more distraught and when I couldn't take it anymore I began to shake.
"No,no,no,no. I can't take it." I pulled my hand from Andrew's who at that time was trying to introduce me to several of his friends. Everyone turned to me and all I could do was place my palms over my ears and continue to shout, "no, no,no,no."
I turned and ran out of there, toppling over a table of drinks on my way.
I heard someone say, "Andrew, where did you find the psycho?' and a few people laughed.
I ran until I was far enough from everyone, then sat on the side of the street and called Mrs. Brown.
To make matters worse, Andrew began to avoid me and when I ran into him on campus, he had the same look those kids used to have when they called me a weirdo.
That marked the end of my dating attempt for the rest of my stay on campus.
But I tried to make sure it didn't bother me. I even went on a few dates after graduation, but I'd never found a connection with anyone. Until now.
I pushed the double doors to the hospital and stepped into the cool lobby.
As I signed in for work, a nurse informed me that Dr. Robinson was waiting in his office to see me.
I wonder what it could be about? I had lingered on my walk to the hospital, trying to calm myself for the day.
Despite Mrs. Brown saying, "Open up your heart and give this man a chance" before she kissed me and left for work, I wasn't sure I was ready for another rejection.
"Dr. Hensworth.Emilia. Come in. Have a seat."
I sat down opposite him. "Good morning, Dr. Robinson."
"As per what we talked about a few days ago, Liam won't stop asking for you."
I cleared my throat and adjusted in the seat.
"Liam has requested you to be his private doctor until he is certified okay. And you already know that is what I have requested from you."
But I didn't understand." My brows furrowed close together. "Why does he need a doctor? I saw him yesterday and he seemed to be recovering well. "
Dr. Robinson stood up and came around. He sat on the edge of the table close to me. "Liam is not doing better, Emilia. The surgery is not giving us the result we hoped for. He wants someone capable in case of anything.
Assuming I agreed, what good could I do to a dying man? I wanted badly to be with Liam, but I didn't want to be with a man who pitied me or wanted me only because I was a good doctor. I let out a heavy sigh, and stood up." Sir, what about my work here?"
"We can always call you if we need your specific skill set for something." He placed a hand over my shoulder and guided me to the door. I slipped away from his touch as soon as I could.
"Liam is sending you a car that will take you to your apartment, where you will pack what you need for at least a couple of weeks."
I blinked several times. Living with an adult man?
Yes, but it's Liam. Isn't that what you want?
"Sir, I can't possibly-" And Dr. Robinson shut his door in my face.
I let out a deep breath. What was I being dragged into?