"Sounds good. I'll see you soon." She gathered him in a hug. She was surprised at how hard it was to let him go. She watched him walk out in the rain for as long as she could before his fuzzy figure was unrecognizable anymore. She turned and decided to dawdle around the cave. She played with her fire for a bit. Practicing manipulating it, making it dim and brighten at will. It really was like flexing a muscle, and even though she hadn't flexed this muscle ever in her life she knew how to use it. It was an extension of herself. It was perhaps like eating for the first time out of the womb. Before birth a fetus would get all its nutrients from the placenta. But when met with mother's lactating breast you'd think it was a professional. It was in her DNA to control and create her fire, she just had to leave her womb and enter a new world. This was her final evolution. She wondered why only a few select people ended up here as Sorcerers. She could only conclude that this world was like a country and there were many people born in different countries with different laws; even though they were all born the same way they could speak different languages, eat different foods, have different geography. She didn't think that her fiancé would end up in this country. As Nikolas had said: Sorcerers have horrible backgrounds. And while having your fiancé kill herself would be very traumatic for him, if it just took one horrible life event she figured there would be more Sorcerers popping up out of the woodwork. She had gone through years of trauma from her family to adulthood. While her fiancé did have bad days he had a loving family and a great head on his shoulders. He was her sunlight in the bad times. Fuck even if he did end up here she hoped it wouldn't be for a long time. He deserved a long and happy life. She'd have to ask Nikolas if any older-looking Sorcerers have arrived. As she got deep in her thoughts she decided to lie down on her nest. She felt a horrible weight on her chest. She felt guilt for leaving her fiancé behind and guilt for being happy now, here without him.
Nikolas arrived an hour or so later with a grin on his face, ready to greet the Sorcerer in the cave. He almost dropped the basket when he saw her in her nest, blankly staring at her fire with tears rolling down her cheeks. He ran over to her , feeling like his heart had been struck by lightning. "Ksinya?! What's wrong? Are you hurt?" His eyes scanned over her body, unable to find any wounds. He cursed himself for leaving her alone. He should have gotten back quicker. He should have collected more food yesterday with her before the rain. "Ksinya please, what's happened?" He urged her.
She looked up at him with a forced smile. "I'm fine, just a little tired." She lied.
"You're crying." He pointed out. She touched her face, surprised.
"I didn't notice." She whispered.
"What made you upset?" He asked, wiping her wet cheeks.
She looked into his cool blue eyes and immediately felt calmer. She took a deep breath and made up her mind about what she was going to say. "I feel guilty. I'm guilty that I'm so happy here. But I wasn't happy there, surrounded by people that loved me and cared for me. I had a fiancé and I feel so bad for leaving him behind. I left in such a gruesome way as well. He must be so devastated. He loved me so much, and I love him too but my depression kept me from being the best I could be for him. He was a good man, I just couldn't take being there in that world any longer."
Nikolas sat and listened to her pitiful tale with a pang in his heart. "Ksinya, I don't know how to say this fastidiously, so I will just tell you the facts as I know them." He looked at her for confirmation to go on and she stared up at him curiously. He took this as a sign to continue. "As I have said before; Sorcerers arrive in this land after overcoming many trials. The life you had, I know, was a hard one. And you say that you had many people who loved you. My Creator, the Sorcerer who arrived here in this land had a loving family and also a fiancé. She threw herself off of the tallest building she had access to. I don't particularly like calling it a reward or a gift to arrive here as a Sorcerer. But damn it if you didn't earn it. I wish you didn't have to go through what you did but there's a selfish part of me that knows if you didn't you wouldn't be here with me. I realize now how my Nymph parents could all love my Creator so much. Nymphs only know serenity, whimsy, and carelessness. We don't know what it is to have commitments until we meet a Sorcerer. It feels so natural to want to care for you. Not because I pity you. But because I respect you and what you've been through… I — I'm sorry I've ranted. I've said all that to say: don't feel guilty for being happy."
Ksinya took the time to process everything he said. It did make her feel better to know his own Creator went through the same situation. "I'll get over it after some time." She grumbled, her eyes closed as she tried to will the negative thoughts away.
"What wouldn't your fiancé do to make you happy?" He asked, making her open her eyes.
"What?"
"Is there anything your fiancé wouldn't do to see you happy?" He asked again.
Ksinya took a deep breath. "No." She thought about everything he did to make her life better. She thought about when they were long distance he wasn't afraid to let her see other people in case she got lonely. She thought about how he got a cat for her even though he was allergic. If it would make her happy he wouldn't stand in the way of it. "No." She repeated strongly.
"Then if he could see how happy you are here, do you think he would want you to feel guilty about it?"
Ksinya took a sharp intake of breath. "You're right." Her eyes were wide.