[Favela's POV]
It had happened at our last date, as a couple, as lovers, that was my desire and to my surprise he seemed to have thought that too, just not in the way I planned.
The moment he opened his mouth to declare an end to our relationship, the ground beneath me sank and the it seemed that surrounding me suddenly were a pair of hands grasping me and suffocating my very existence but I was calm, I had to because I couldn't embarrass myself.
I had remembered suppressing all my nerves as I calmly asked the reason for his sudden change of mind, his eyes widened for a minute, probably surprised with how calm I was, I mean, even I was surprised so how could he not?
But it only lasted for a while before he got himself, having heard my question his eyes wandered through the restaurant, reluctant to speak, yet ready to tell. I wanted him to be off with it already, because deep down within me I knew that the calm I had was popularly known as the calm before the storm.
The area around us was suffocating for a second as I stared straight at him waiting for his reply with clenched fists probably torn with the pain that was sizzling through me from it, but it was fine, this pain was what I had to cause, to keep my sanity. I waited for his reply and the words he spoke was the beginning of my damnation.
"Sorry, but actually am not gay and I've been cheating behind you for 2 years now, I just couldn't hide it any longer. I apologize, but I guess we're not meant to be? I'm not even bent!" He declared and looked towards me as if waiting for my affirmation that this relationship had finally ended.
It was like breaking up with me, breaking my heart and breaking me as a whole was something so minor, was I so miniscule?
I remember then that all I could do was try my best to control my harsh breathing as I tried with all my strength to contain my rationality by digging my nails into the skin of my legs with my nails, which had somehow transformed into claws even though they were well and properly trimmed.
A smile, that was it, all I could do was stretch out my lips into what I assumed was one of the ugliest form in nature a man could ever see, that was all I could do.
"Its fine" I muttered to him with that sick smile, not like he cared, but only I knew that I was consoling myself with those words not replying him.
I had never felt something heavier and with a strong presence as the ring within my pocket, was it probably mocking me through telepathy but my brain couldn't decode the message? It was an insane conclusion, but right now I was in a brisk step from insanity anyways.
"Ah, thank you for understanding" He said as he flashed me a smile that showed clearly how bright his teeth was, for some reason I felt like he was showing off, so now that you've got yourself rid of that disgusting gay, you're feeling rather great, eh?
I wanted to scream as I watched him leave, I wanted to show him crazy, I wanted to lose my mind right there and then, I wanted shame both of us so that he'd go home with at least one negative feeling rather than relief that he had gotten rid of me. But I couldn't, what would people say and think?
Possibly- "Gross, what a creep, I knew that gays were always disgusting"
Or worst-"Why is he leeching unto him like that? Does he have no shame?"
Or more despairing-"He should go get his gay ass redeemed just like his partner did and now he's trying to drag him to hell again?" It wasn't like I could just change myself just like that after all.
I was determined that people would say that, no one would recognize my ply because I wasn't a cute girl to be pitied,
I was a bonafide man who gave his ass to other men to eat and here I was still begging someone to pity a man-whore like me, that's what they'll see so why should I go ahead and fail?
And in the end instead of giving this bastard shame, give him every right and reason to walk out of here triumphantly. I was better off staying quietly without making troubles.
"6 years…." I muttered pitifully while looking down in sorrow, all the negative emotions in the world crashing unto me. There was no one for me to call, only me to bear this burden.
6 years of my life with him only for him to end it just like that with no reasonable excuse. He broke it from being guilty for leading on a 'gay' like me on even though he was straight. So in short we've been buddies or should I say sex friends to him all this while?
In just one sentence, he blamed everything on me. Why're you not a girl? Why're not normal like other guys? You're just a bent mosquito coil, a disgraceful gay! I had suddenly became an item labelled as 'gay' rather than a person.
A person with inspirations, a person with hope, a person with desire, a person who had once loved, a person who was living and breathing just like every other human, no I wasn't that- I was a 'gay'.
I had stayed there till night, lost in the vortex of my emotions till an employee woke me up, apparently 'he' had paid for our fees, yeah me.
Everything's fine, it was alright, I'm fine, again and again and again I had repeated as I walked back home. It was fine Favela, you're okay, you're…..am not okay.
"Hik…hik….ahahaha, hik….why? Why me?! Why did it just have to be me?! Hahahah…hikk…ugh..hik…" I cried a little, laughed a little then I did both. If a doctor had been there, he would have made an immediate diagnose to send me to the asylum.
My body quivered as I poured my entire sorrow into my pillow, physically of course, both the tears and snot…poor thing, good thing it was one of the items that bastard gave me so I would burn it anyways.
I had probably fallen asleep later with my head in the pillow, uncaring if I died from suffocation. That'd probably better.
After carrying my broken self from the bed just to burn every single traces of that bastard in my life, it was useless anyways, he had left a huge inerasable trace on me, no, it wasn't my entire feelings for him that was already gone like chaff to the wind.
Or was it more like, I couldn't really feel them anymore? I was nothing more than a broken shell with leakings all over, every feelings, desires, and inspirations were pouring away from within me, that was how huge of a trace he had left on me.
All to leave behind a broken vase with no hope for life.
'I still have to write my novel though, at least one more time' I wondered as I walked into my study room to start a whole day of writing.
Being on a contract, I had only a few days left to submit my book for publication. It was a documentary of the time spent with 'him', I couldn't even remember who 'he' was anymore, I couldn't even remember who 'I' was, nor my name nor his name nor anything. All I knew was that I was a broken 'gay' thing.
What a deep mark had it left on me, a flash image of the broken vase I was labelled 'gay item' all over flew through my mind but escaped as soon as it came.
My eyes were getting drowsy, has it been two day since I have eaten? Probably. I had also forgotten that I was a human who needed to eat, I thought humans labelled at things didn't need food? Apparently, the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.
I had eaten in a daze then as I deleted the entire traces of the book I had written while starting up a new one. I would finish it within the days I have, how can I? Well, the only reason I existed now was to write this novel, so it's gonna work out somehow.
I will leave a trace of me in this world if it's the last thing I do, I had thought as my hand flew through the keyboard.
My story was my therapy, all I needed to feel better was to make my character suffer, suffer horribly just like me. Of course his life would be better than I but it'll all end up in the drain just like mine did.
It felt awfully refreshing knowing that an existence so high could also experience the same thing I did and fall to the bottom of sheol, even if it was just fictional.
Men were all after him and adored him but was it Love? Ha! Love my ass, it was nothing but greed and lust for his body, they would do anything to gain him for themselves, own him and tag him as their 'thing', someone so high and mighty yet nothing but a 'gay' thing just like me.
At some point my character became my best friend as I cried and laughed with him whilst making him wear despair and sorrow as clothing for his bare body. But then it just didn't feel right, we needed to be true companions so he had to experience exactly everything I had.
I created someone for him who truly loved him, a pure soul who would do anything to protect and be with him not for his body but for being him- a person and finally I would…kill that person and finally drag him, my comrade, into the deepest depths of heart-break and pain, just like me. And the story will end with him ending up as nothing but a 'gay' thing for the four men that claimed to 'adore and love' him, just like me.
I was finally through with my novel and finally ready, 35 years of my life and this was the only worthwhile thing I, as a human could achieve, shame on the creator. He made me this way, it's not my fault.
I had wanted a lot more in life, a lot more, a family who cared for me despite my sexuality and not abandon me, friends who didn't criticize me in secret while smiling sweetly in front, a lover who was worth the years of my life and finally a child- I wanted an adopted daughter to care and protect, to feel the pride of being a father.
What was it I ever did that ruined me? Was it because I was gay? If I wasn't would I have had all this, I don't know….and even till now in the bigger catastrophe I had found myself in I was still questioning myself this.
I took up my pen as I wrote down the epilogue for my novel, I had planned to publish this epilogue separately online to avoid my novel being cancelled out for the content of the epilogue being too disturbing to readers. Of course there're tags to warn them to prevent a poor reader falling into something unprepared.
['I apologize for my incompetence as an author, it seems like I have crafted nothing but a web of sorrow and despair in each line of my character's life. I apologize to all readers who found this disturbing and most of all I apologize to my characters, for creating some of them as despicable and for making some undeserving characters suffer.
In all sincerity this was based on my life experience and although I apologize, I don't feel sorry for my actions at all and in compensation for this…mostly in compensation to my main character who I made suffer so much just like me….I will compensate with my LIFE.'
P.S: This are the last words of this little author, I hope you all enjoy a good life and love my novel- 'Don't cross that line' as it's an equivalent to loving me. Have a good life and remember- not all gays end well, some of us aren't human but just 'things' to people.]
I didn't care what people said but as soon as it clocked exactly a month of my novel being released with many critics and reviews, its popularity was absurd probably due to my boldness to write something so dark.
So many lovers just as there was so many haters of it but it didn't matter in the end, as I posted my Epilogue online with my full identity as the author, I smiled bizarrely while climbing unto the desk and even to the end, I didn't let my eyes off my novel.
Named Favela Jewel just like me, he was a true companion who had suffered greatly in his life due to me and I will compensate him…with my soul.
****
[No one's POV]
The next day there was a buzz throughout the internet as the world went wild after reading the epilogue, most didn't believe it while some although trusting was fiercely asking for evidence.
In the end the police had to investigate the matter, breaking right into the house filled with filth and a rotten stench.
There was the pitiful body of a skinny man, all bones with barely any flesh, and his long eyelashes over his closed eyes which had a teardrop on it. Having died for only but a few days, his flesh was just newly rotting filling the whole house with an awful stench.
"What a pitiful young man" The police man who had found him muttered with a sad sigh.
He just didn't meet the right people that was all. Nobody actually saw gay people as a thing, they were human too, and he just didn't meet the right people in his life.
The story of the new author who committed suicide after his story shook the entire world for quite some time before dying out but just as he wished for, No one ever took up his book again without knowing his story.
He had left a trace and though not inerasable, it'd definitely exist for a long time.