"Lirael, I want to make love to you." Lance is staring at me so intensely that the words take a moment to sink in.
My mind goes blank for a moment, before I start to shake. I shake my head, closing my eyes, trying to not think of Billy.
He's not allowed to keep affecting my life like this. Lance is not him.
I feel Lance cup my face in his palms, "Lirael, I won't. I just wanted to share my feelings with you, alright?" His lips find my forehead, placing a soft kiss as I continue to tremble.
I'm so fucked in the head. We just said I love you to each other and he wants to make love to me. This should be a special moment, but every time I've ever heard those words before... All I ever felt was pain and fear during and afterwards.
"Lirael. Please look at me." Lance begs, pleading with the gentle caress of his hand over the side of my face.
I try to swallow a sob, but the sound escapes, even though I'm able to choke back my tears. I clench my hands into fists, and open my eyes slowly, eyeing Lance warily.
"Can you help me understand why the thought of making love is so painful for you? You don't have to share anything, but I would like to know and understand why the thought of making love with me is so terrifying."
Lance's words are edged with confused pain, making me wince as if stabbed myself.
Do I tell him? Will he understand?
I hesitate, my mouth flopping open, only to close again as I try to find my resolve.
Lance pulls me back to him, cradling me against his chest. "It's okay Lirael, you don't have to tell me if you're not ready to."
I push myself back from his comforting embrace, shaking my head, "I want to tell you some of it. I can not tell you everything, but enough for you to understand."
I let a heavy gust of air out, my fingers working on the cuticles of my thumbs as I gather my thoughts. Steeling myself, I take a deep breath, as I start to tell him what I went through with my body going tense.
I sound empty and hollow as I tell him. "Billy, he used to tell me, 'I'm going to make love to you' right before he would choke me out until I passed out. Sometimes, he would smack me around as he was 'making love' to me first, then smother me with a pillow. He would stick my head into the corner of the couch, forcing my head down to where I could not breathe. All the while, he would be telling me 'this is how making love to a whore like me went.' I don't know how many times, while he was choking or smothering me, that I wished he'd take it too far. Just so that my agony would end and I wouldn't have to endure it anymore."
I look at Lance's shoulder, not wanting to see the look on his face.
I do not want to see pity for me. Not from him.
I try to reassure him though, "I know that you are not Billy, Lance. I know you wouldn't do those things, but I can't ..." My voice catches as Lance pulls me closer into his embrace.
"It's okay Lirael. I understand better now.
Thank you for helping me understand." Lance strokes my back and hair, holding me in silence as he trembles more so than I do.
When I hear a sniffle from him though, I pull back and look into his eyes. They're red, a tear threatens to break free before he blinks and it falls out of the corner of his eye.
"I'm that pitiful, am I?" I surmise from his reaction, looking away from his sorrowful gaze.
Lance takes my chin and points it back up to look at me. "I will never think of you as pitiful Lirael. I'm angry you had to go through something so awful when you were young. I'm sorry I didn't know you sooner. I'm sorry I could not protect you from such a vile piece of shit as him." He runs a hand through my hair again, "Even though none of it's my fault, I feel I should apologize. I can promise you one thing though."
I blink back my emotions at his declaration, "What's that?" My voice comes out like a mouse's squeak.
"I promise I will never hurt you, that no one will ever hurt you again in such a manner." Lance is serious, his jaw set in determination.
My heart aches in this moment, but it's not a tormenting ache. I struggle to find a reply to his promise, unsure of what I could possibly say.
He merely places a kiss on my forehead and takes my hand in his, placing another kiss on my knuckles.
"Sorry, I ruined the moment, or the mood at least." I shy my gaze down to our combined hands that I leave together.
"Lirael, you did not ruin it. I still want to make love to you very much," My eyes dart back up to his, my body tensing, as he tries to reassures me, "but I will wait until you are ready."
Relief floods my body, making me relax into his embrace, wrapping my free arm around his waist, while still holding his other hand. We lay there quietly, a million thoughts running through each of us, accompanied by differing emotions.
Closing my eyes, I try to quell all my anxieties, stamping them down with the truths of all that has happened between us so far.
He doesn't think I am broken. He is not disgusted with me. He promised to not hurt me or let anyone else hurt me. He's not going to hurt me. He loves me. He loves me...
That fact alone has my face relaxing and my lips twitching up in a soft smile.
The poke of a velvety rod against my stomach has me opening my eyes. Lance's cock grows, twitching as I gaze at it in amusement.
"Don't pay any attention to that thing. It has a mind of its own." Lance remarks, as I glance up and am caught with him watching me.
"Kind of hard to avoid, when it's trying to get up close and personal with my belly button." I smirk.
It swells more, skin becoming taut as it fully erects.
Groaning, Lance covers his eyes with his arm, "It longs to be deep inside of you, making you cry out in that sexy voice you have." He lets out a shuddering breath, his cock still twitching like a hound picking up a scent trail.
I take my hand and grip his hard length in my hand, making him gasp and groan in surprise.
"Why would I not pay any attention to it then?" Coyly, I give him a firm stoke. "Maybe I want it where it wants to be?"
Lance rolls over on top of my body, raised on one elbow, seating himself in between my legs. Pressing himself against my entrance, he whispers, "Whatever my mistress desires, my mistress gets."