Brian's words have me tensing, trying to calm myself, trying to get a grip on my emotions to explain to him the situation.
I push away from him and take a few shuddering breaths.
"I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. All my emotions and anxieties just hit me all at once and I let them control me. Just give me a minute, I just need a minute." I take a choppy breath, hiding my face in my hands.
Brian leans forward, the tension in his demeanor lessening and grabs the box of tissues from his table, offering them to me. "Here, take your time."
I take them, wiping my eyes and blowing my nose, trying to breathe.
"Oh Brian, I think I may have really fucked shit up, unknowingly, last night." I wipe my tears away with a new tissue, still sniffling.
"Just tell me what happened, then tell me about your emotions, okay? Just like in our sessions, separate the events from the emotions first." He says calmly, running a hand through my hair with concern in his eyes. "I'll help you in anyway I can."
I give him a strained smile, sniffling, I explain the events as I recalled them last night. What was said, as I remember then, the events of this morning, what was said and then the revelation of what I missed last night.
"Brian, what do I do? I didn't realize what he asked me! Now, everything is going to be messed up! I don't even know why he wants to be with me like that? I'm so fucked up in the head, he couldn't even put his arm around me last night at the BBQ! I ended up running inside and having a panic attack in the bathroom! He's asking for something I don't know if I can give him. How do I give him what he's asking for, when I'm so broken, I can't even hold myself together?"
More tears spill from my eyes as Brian sits quietly, contemplating the situation. We sit in relative silence for at least ten minutes.
He sighs deeply, sitting up straighter, "Fuck it, Lirael, I'm going to just say what I know to be true and your options. I can't tell you what to do and what is going to happen, I'm no psychic anyways."
He takes my hands in his and seriously, firmly, holds my gaze.
"First off. You are NOT broken, you are NOT. Any one who's gone through the physical and psychological trauma that you have gone through would have their issues, their hesitations and the trepidation you do right now. Lance has had his own share of traumas and considers himself to be just as messed up in the head too."
I interject, "He's not messed up.."
Brian stops me, hand up in the air, giving me a knowing look, "Let me finish. He says the same thing about you too, you know. That you're not messed up like you think you are. Now, you are letting your anxiety rule your life. Letting Billy still have control over your life, by believing his fucked up psychological bull he fed you all those years."
Brian lifts my chin up as my eyes drift down to our hands.
"You are not broken, you are beautiful, you are worth more than the majority of people I know and treat for that matter. You are worthy of being loved. Truly loved, by someone who cares about you. Lance does care about you. He made himself vulnerable, opening up and asking you that last night. He's putting himself out there just as much as he's asking you to do for him. If there was anyone I know, that I think you could possibly make it work together, Lance is the only other one I see it happening with."
Other one?
I keep that thought to myself as he continues.
"Now, here are your options. You can come clean and tell him you didn't hear him last night and offer to have a more level headed discussion about it. Which he should have done to begin with, but alcohol..."
He shakes his head with a roll of his eyes before continuing, "You two need to have a discussion period. Where you can either agree to continue or not. It may hurt, make you both uncomfortable, etc. but you can at least salvage something."
He sighs again, stroking his brow for a moment, "You can act like nothing is wrong and just see what happens, like most people would do. OR. You can come clean and tell him you don't think you are ready and will ever be ready for a relationship and cancel the contract between you two and I will deal with piecing you both back together, even if after I have to watch the crumbling of your guy's friendship with each other."
Brian clears his throat, putting his face in his hands, "Fuck, it's too early with out coffee. Would you like one?" He stands up and heads to his kitchen and pours us each a cup.
I'm sipping on it when my phone starts ringing.
I look at the caller ID and see it's Lance. I don't answer it. "I'm not ready to answer that yet." I say as it goes silent.
Brian shakes his head at me, when suddenly his phone starts to go off.
"Hello?" He answers and I can hear Lance's voice over the receiver.
"Hey, Brian. I have a weird question. Have you talked to Lirael today?"
Brian sighs, "Man, I just woke up. Why would I have talked to her? Isn't she there with you?"
"No, she left a note saying she went to go shopping for a new outfit for work. It's fucking eight, on a Sunday morning." He sounds irritated and concerned.
"Shopping for a new outfit for work? Sure, it's not a new outfit for you?" Brian winks at me as tries to be playful with Lance.
Lance's frustrated sounds has Brian stopping, "Okay, so what's going on that you are not telling me? Why do you think she's bullshitting you?"
"I don't know, Brian.... Actually, that's not true... You're going to be upset with me, but I asked her last night to try things out with me, relationship wise. She said yes, I thought everything was going great.... but this morning, I was a little out of it... And, I think she might've freaked out and changed her mind." Lance pauses before I hear pain enter his voice, "Brian, I might have fucked this up for me and her. What am I going to do? How do I fix this when I ...."
Brian walks off down the hall, making his words the only ones I hear.
"Man, Lance. I told you to take it slow. You could be freaking out over nothing. Women are weird sometimes. Maybe, she really wanted to go shopping?"
There's a pause for a minute before Brian's voice can be heard again.
"Uh huh. Just calm down... I'm sure it's nothing,.... just wait a little longer, give her another call or better yet call me... if she doesn't call or come back in another hour. Sound like a plan?"
Brian's voice seems to go farther away, like he doesn't want me to hear anything but can't make it suspicious.
"Lance,... Lance, I know you care about her. If I hear from her, I will let you know. Okay? Call me in an hour. Okay? K bye."
Brian comes back out grumbling, pointing to my cup and me. "Finish your coffee, get the heck out of my house, and handle your life, Lirael. I think you heard, someone is just as frantic as you were not long ago. I suggest you stop, I don't know, anywhere, purchase something, anything. Then go and do what you need to and talk to him. Your disappearing act has hurt him."
I set my cup in the sink, guilt sinking in. "Thanks Brian. I'm sorry for bringing you in the middle of this." I go to leave, but Brian pulls me toward him, hugging me tightly.
"I'm still here for you, no matter your decision." Then he lets me go to figure out what I'm about decide.