#Chapter7
I watched the buttons light up for each floor I went down, time slowed as I watched the numbers tick down. I was nervous, impatient, and trying to hold all my pieces together, Sally’s voice echoed through my mind, repeating the words that I felt would stop my heart from beating. Only there it was still thumping painfully in my chest.
When the elevator doors pinged on the bottom floor, I took off running, my shoulder smashing into the elevator door having not had enough time to open completely. I couldn't feel anything but the dread building inside of me. The hospital wasn’t far, and I made it there in under five minutes. My heels slid on the floor outside my mother’s ward door as I gripped the door handle, took a breath, and walked in.
The ward was full of doctors moving other patients out. Sally stood amongst them, her green scrubs standing out amongst the doctors in their white coats. Sally glanced at the clock, probably wondering if I was going to get here in time. Seeing me, she came rushing over and wrapped her arms around me. /"I’m so sorry, Imogen./"
I nodded, watching as another patient was wheeled out and transferred to another room, leaving only my mother, a doctor, Sally, and myself.
The doctor was an older woman in her fifties. She had greying hair that reached her shoulders, pulled back with a clip, kind soft brown eyes, and a pale complexion. She wore a doctor’s coat and white scrubs. Her name tag read Laurel.
/"Hi, you must be Imogen?/" she said, reaching out and grasping my hand softly between hers.
/"The Medical Ethics Board has decided to remove your mother from life support. In doing so I will just prepare you for what will happen next./" I stared at her, my face completely blank. I think I was in shock, but at the same time, I understood everything she said, even nodded a few times.
When she was done, she asked If I wanted some time with my mother. I nodded my head and they both walked out, leaving me alone with her. I walked slowly over to her bed and held onto her hand. Looking down at her, she looked like she was just sleeping, her face was slack with the tube hanging out of it keeping her breathing. I stroked her hair gently.
/"Mumma, it’s me, your Immy. They have decided to turn your life support off./" I stared at her, hoping for some miracle. But there was none. I could hear Sally and the doctor talking softly outside the door. None of this felt real.
/"If you can hear me, mum, please know I’m sorry. I tried, I really did. I love you Mumma, but I have to let you go./" My eyes burned with the need to shed tears but I held them back.
The time had come. I was prepared for this but why didn’t I feel like I prepared at all? I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say to her now that this was goodbye. So instead, I just held her hand, rubbing circles into her soft thin skin. The doctor walked in with Sally. I looked up when they entered, Sally looked heartbroken for me and I turned away from her. I couldn’t handle seeing the sadness in her eyes.
I knew once I let myself cry, I would never stop. So instead, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, telling myself I could do this, hardening my resolve. The doctor asked me to step out so she could remove the tubes and switch everything off. I shook my head at her. I wanted to be here for every last moment, no matter how hard. I owed mum this since I hadn't been able to stop it.
When she pulled the tube out of her throat, my mother made a gurgling noise and gasped, but the doctor reassured me it was the body’s normal reaction. I squeezed my mother's hand tighter, trying to ignore the noises her body made. The machines erupted into a scream of beeps, screaming to the world that the patient wasn't doing well. One by one, the doctor shut them off, leaving us in silence with my gasping mother.
When she was done, she squeezed my shoulder tightly before walking over to the side. The doctor said my mother could last a few hours or go quickly. Mum went quickly. Her breathing slowed, her lips turned blue, and her body convulsed, making me jump to my feet. I wrapped my arms around her neck pressing my head to hers.
/"It’s alright, Mumma. I’m right here, I’m right here,/" I told her. After a few seconds, it stopped and so did her breathing. Her chest no longer rose up and down. The room went silent, the only noise was my own heavy breathing. I lifted my head from hers, Mum’s skin was dull and lifeless, and her hand lost its warmth. I knew she was gone. The doctor walked over and placed a stethoscope on her chest and listened before nodding, confirming her heart was no longer beating and making a note of the time.
I stared at my mother’s dead body lying on the gurney, she was gone. I would never hear her voice again, never hold her again. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Getting up, I pulled the blanket up, tucking her in as if she were asleep and I was saying good night instead of goodbye. I leaned down and kissed her head. My lips quivered and my eyes burned with tears that wanted to fall. Tears I'd lost the will to fight
I just stared down at her. Now what? Did I just leave and never come back? Turning around, I walk out in a daze, almost robotic. When I stepped into the blue corridor, Sally tried to grab my hand, but I pulled away from her touch. I didn’t want to be touched. I knew I would break. I was near the end of the corridor when Tobias stepped into my view. I don’t know what he saw on my face, but he reached for me. I quickly stepped out of his reach. What is it with everyone and trying to touch me? I would not break. None of these people would see me break. Tears were a weakness. I was not weak. My mother didn’t raise a weakling.
I kept walking down the long hall, I could hear people talking to me, I could hear Sally calling after me, but I just ignored them and kept on walking. I walked out of the hospital doors. My phone vibrated in my bag slung over my shoulder. I ignored it. I drug myself to the park across the road. I collapsed on the park bench. The darkness surprised me but I welcomed its ability to hide me from the world. The stars shone brightly down on me, the trees swayed in the wind. The night was cold and silent, the only noise I could hear was the beating of my own heart, which I was sure was broken beyond repair.
I was completely numb, and I prayed I stayed that way. I didn’t want to know what this pain would feel like. The wind whipped through my hair, fat drops of rain hit my skin as a sheet of rain passed over me. I couldn’t feel cold, I couldn’t feel the sting of the wind or the bite of the rain on my skin. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what my next move was. There was no plan. I realized I was in denial this entire time because I never planned to this point. I knew this time would come but I don’t think I believed she would ever actually be gone. So instead, I let the rain fall drenching me where I sat. I didn't care if I got sick. I didn't care what happened to me. I had somehow made myself believe that she would pull through, even though my mind knew she wasn’t coming back.
At some point I drudged back to my car. Tom had left the parking garage door up slightly. He must have realized I wasn’t in my car. I walked up to my car and popped the trunk, grabbing a bottle. I popped the cap and gulped the vodka down. I just wanted to sleep and forget about this day, or maybe wake up to find this was all a nightmare, one I was just having trouble waking from. Only I knew it wasn’t, it hurt too much, and you don’t feel pain in dreams.
I jerked my car's door open and plopped down, bringing my bottle with me. I twisted around in my seat, grabbed my duvet off the back seat, and wrapped it around myself, seeking comfort in its warmth. My teeth chattered but I couldn’t be bothered taking my wet clothes off. Right now it was too much effort. After a while and a few more mouthfuls of my bottle of jet fuel, I slipped into the darkness of sleep huddled into my little ball of grief.