"I messed up." His words were crystal clear to my ear and I knew exactly what he was talking about. He was right he had messed up because I had not heard from him in almost a month. In his case messing up came with dire consequences and I was already feeling a small sweat trickle down my spine when he said that. He couldn't have been less careless, just had to go compromise everything we had worked so hard to maintain and build. How could he have done that. I however swallowed all those thoughts and decided to play it cool first.
"Hi baby girl how has the last month been like? Did you miss me?" I mocked trying to get my breathing back to normal. If he did indeed mess up, then it would only be a matter of time before it came to bite me in my back. I clearly did not want that but it seemed I did not have much control over it. Months ago it would have been a non-issue but at this point it was the biggest thing that he could ever do after what he had done that day.
"I'm serious Em. I messed up really bad. I know it's all my fault I should have been a bit keener but I wasn't and I compromised us. I'm sorry." He sounded desperate and for a moment I felt bad for him. He was never that uncomposed so it stood out like a sore thumb. It was so out of character for him. I had always viewed him to be one that wasn't swayed by thing that happened especially with people but clearly there were people that made him almost turn white.
"Then fix it Ethan. You mess you fix okay?" I did not wait for a response before hanging up. Somehow I felt pissed at him even though it was not his fault. How did he dare think he could make life difficult for me? I had a whole career making people's lives difficult so this one was not going to hurt me. I took a deep breath trying to steady myself. It had been a month of anticipation about when to hear from him again as well as full of stressful planning. He couldn't exactly say that and expect me to react typically. If he was being stupid, then he would have to fix his stupidity himself.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes letting the memory of that day sweep through me. Had he not done what he did that day then maybe the mess wouldn't have been as big as it was at the moment. I knew that I played my part in all of it but in my defense it was not always intentional and neither was it a game. I knew I loved him the very first day I laid my eyes on him. I also knew that when I loved, then I poured my whole heart out. Delvin knew it and he enjoyed it a lot. That day however was the day that Ethan learnt about it.
I remember how he had dared me that I couldn't have the confidence to visit his home while his wife was there. Kirsten was a big star and she was known by most of the population and somehow I found myself fangirling for her. Yes, I was a bit bisexual when it came to her but I never acted on it. I knew she did not know me so I made good of the dare. I visited the place and sat for hours with them ensuring to be keen not to stare too much so no one would notice. I still remember how easily the conversation flowed and how well I lied about everything. Kirsten had almost fallen in love with me herself. I mean it would take someone who is a bit sterner not to fall in love with me. I prided myself in my ability to make people change their minds concerning me in the briefest time ever. Looking at me, my resting bitch face and dark mood always made me seem inapproachable but I had made it my life mission to ensure that I banished that notion whenever.
I still remembered how he had walked me out of the gate and made sure to close it behind him before pulling me close and burying his head in my neck. He was the death of me. I shamelessly just let him hold me smell me and love on me. I knew his wife was right a few steps away and yet there I was relishing his presence. Loving the feeling of him being around had become my weak point.
"I can only go for so long seeing you without touching or holding you. It's like I'm just addicted to you. I just want to kiss you right now." He had spoken in a whisper all while holding me tightly, as tightly as humanly possible. I had felt it too. The tension growing thicker and thicker while we sat with his family and in that moment I was sure it would burst its seams and there was no going back.
"How about you drop me with your car instead of using a taxi." I had suggested hoping he could read the signs of what I wanted.
"You really need to stop thinking about him." My sister's voice brought me out of my mind. She knew exactly what I was thinking because she knew exactly how far my relationship with Ethan had gone. She had been waiting for me at home that day and the moment I got there she was the first person that I talked to about it. She knew everything and I was thankful she did so I did not have to carry that burden on my own. If I was being completely honest there was no way that I would have been with Delvin if she had not kept me sane. She was the one that was constantly reminding me that the man was married and the only thing I could get from him was endless and relentless heartaches.
" Well I have to because the idiot just did something despicable." I answered standing from my desk and coming around to give her a hug. I had missed her a lot but only because the one colleague I loved sharing with had resigned hence I had no one to talk to about Ethan. Instead I just had myself and now her. She let go of me and made herself comfortable in the other seats in the office. I closed the door and sat back in my seat ready to hear what she was going to tell me today.
"So what did he do?" She asked seemingly interested in the story. Sometimes I felt as though she was living vicariously through me. I mean why else would she have wanted to know every detail of my life? I liked the thought of her thinking that I was adventurous and fun and wanting my life so without much thought I spilled the beans.
"His wife knows about us."
"WHAT?!"
***
The cold was biting through my thin trouser and into my skin. I could bet that it had been almost an hour since the two officers left me to my own. I knew for a fact that not being mirandized was a crime but I did not know why it was taking them so long to sort their issues. They could have easily lied and said that they did but I was too lucid to remember. The only thing aside from the cold and darkness that was in my mind was the images of the two accidents. My two men both lifeless and completely gone leaving me in loneliness. Even the cold in the room did not compare to what I was feeling inside. It was almost ironic how similar the situation inside and outside was. My eyes had gotten used to the darkness and as I peered around I could see almost everything. The room was just as empty as all the interrogation rooms I had seen in movies.
I was not nervous. I had thought that somehow I would end up being a wreck after everything but I was not. Yes, I was shattered and broken but the thought of being away from everything and not thinking about anything but instead just being sounded enticing. It sounded like something I wanted to do. I needed to escape reality. Nothing from the outside world remained for me. At first when Delvin died, I knew I had Ethan. I knew I had someone to live for still and that was why I had pushed past all the damning emotions and even when he had showed up I was ready to just be his woman. This time around however I was all alone. There was not even a soul out there that cared enough for me to want to be around me and I was not going to force those issues over anyone.
I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cold table. I was tired, beyond exhausted even and I wanted to sleep. I was still groggy and my body felt heavy. For the first time in almost ten year I regretted meeting Delvin. Had I not met him, then the situation would have been different. I loved him to the gates of heaven and back but at the same time he was the reason why everything was just going to hell. If I had not met him then maybe, just maybe my chances of ever meeting Ethan would have lessened tremendously and I would have been in a position to save myself from all the pain. But I just had to fall for all the wrong people then remain holding on to hope that it would work out. I drew a harsh breath letting the metallic smell wash over me. In that moment the door opened but I did not even lift my head to look up.
"Lady you need to get serious. You are looking at 25 to life right here with all the evidence that we have. I think you need to start talking so that we can see how well we can help you." The way she sounded so unconvincing was what got to me and I chuckled softly. I was an author and I could lie even more convincingly than she could. I knew whether I confessed or not she would get a way of ensuring that I got what I deserved. To her I was a murderer and it wasn't going to change just because I confessed or gave in to their demand. Instead every word I uttered was going to be recorded. I could already envision a camera somewhere in the room taking in all the sounds in it. I looked up at her through hooded eyes. I was exhausted and somehow a little pain was creeping through my body. I did not feel like dealing with all this. My fate had already been signed by one woman and I was okay with it.
"I didn't kill anyone. I'm mourning after losing two important people in my life. Picture this, why would I allow you all to find evidence of a murder if I commit one, so easily like you did with this ones? It is almost like someone dropped the evidence practically on your lap. If I was one to commit murder, you'd know from the intricate details in any of my work, if you even bothered read it, that you'd never know. I have nothing to say." I dropped my head back on the table. It was getting heavier to hold it up or even think about it. The feelings were now starting to crash against me wreaking havoc even on my body. I did not want two uniformed police to see me crying. It would be a sign of weakness and they'd use it against me.
"Fine then, you are no longer my problem now." She commented with a sneer.
"I'll take my chances in court." I did not lift my head. I could feel the wetness slip out of my eyes already. All I wanted in that moment was to be left alone to mourn properly. I had not gotten a chance to do it since I woke up cuffed to a hospital bed and immediately I was discharged, I found myself in a police interrogation room. I didn't even get a chance to mourn him. To take in the fact that I would never see him again, just like I would never see Delvin. They had both left me in a very tight spot.