The hot and cold treatment was beginning to get on my nerves. He had no right to be all caring and loving in one moment and a complete asshole in the next. I still however did not learn from the first time since I was still clearly forcing conversations between us. I texted almost every day without fail. He replied when he felt like it and though it hurt, it still soothed me that he could still answer me whenever. I threw myself into planning my traditional wedding. I did not want to be caught off guard by anything. Above all I did not want to be that girl, who got caught up in a wrong romance too long that she lost her real one.
I was working in my office trying to get things done but my concentration was lagging more than normal. It had been weeks and still he did not want to see me. He was turning me down at every opportunity he got and I knew it was taking a toll on me even though I did not want to pointing fingers. I buried myself in everything that I felt mattered more than he did. I was just lying to myself though but it was okay. I did not want to be so taken into my obsession with him. The days got by yet still they felt as though they did not move at all.
I kept cursing the day I met him since he had made my life more miserable than it should have been. He should have never kissed me that first day since the boundaries would have been so clear then. I would have known that he wasn't interested in me the same way I was interested in him. He however had to make me believe that my feelings were reciprocated, not once, not twice- then he got cold. I hated his damned guts. He was too daring for my own liking. I wished my heart could just understand the gravity of that matter and stop loving him all together but the treacherous organ was on his side.
The nights were longer, with many thoughts about him plaguing my mind and many questions running through it. For the second time in my short existence I had started questioning my self-worth. I kept thinking that maybe I had given in too easily to him. Or maybe I had just been too open. Maybe I was a bit too talkative for his liking. I wondered what I had done wrong for me to be abandoned right when I thought we could do this. I kept replaying every conversation and finding fault in everything that I had done towards him. Was it because of placing my hand on his whenever we were together. Was it because I gave him my full attention disregarding even my phone if need be just for him. Was it because I was always in flat shoes when we met. Or maybe it was the fact that I did not have a flat tummy. The many things I asked myself left me in tears almost every night.
I had never cried over a man since my ex but this one just had a way of making me cry for the few months I had known him. He never knew it but somehow the ignored calls and texts just hurt me so much even when I acted as though I understood that he was busy. Somehow deep within me I knew that if he wanted to talk to me he would have. After all, during the first weeks of knowing each other he had made it his purpose to talk to me and he had found ways of making it happen. There was no lying- at least to myself- he just didn't like me anymore. It hurt but it was the one thing my heart refused to admit.
Hey baby girl, birthday boy had to rest. He was too exhausted.
Something about him texting me made my mind stop being functional almost immediately. All the hurt I had been experiencing felt as though it had been cured by that one text. The fact that it was his birthday that week and he took it upon himself to remind me of it was even more interesting. All of a sudden I wanted to pour blessings on the day I met him. I was so obsessed to a point where I couldn't even stop my fan galling whenever he gave me even mustard seed sized attention.
Hey birthday boy, happy late birthday wishes.
Somehow he had managed to make me blind to all the red flags that were all around him and all I could see was him. I sincerely felt like I had never fallen for anyone, including my fiancé, that way before. My mind immediately started racing thinking about all the possibilities of gifts I could get him that couldn't arouse suspicion from his wife. I went through several options but they all seemed to come down to his wife knowing about it. Somehow the thought of his wife was terrifying more than anything else in my life. I had only seen her in photos but it didn't make it better. Based on the testimonies I had received from him; she was not someone to mess around with.
Thank you baby girl. Sorry I've been so scarce these days.
The sound of flapping in my stomach made me think that everyone could hear it before I realized that it was the butterflies that he gave me. He had a way of causing me bee excited for no particular reason. An apology was never meant to made someone feel that excited.
You can make it up to me by meeting tomorrow.
I regretted it the moment I hit the send button. I knew there was no way he would agree to such absurdity. He was not one to just go through with what I wanted and I knew that he would not go through with it. I went to delete the text but noticed that he had read it already. Deleting would not make much of a change when he was already typing a response to it. The long the three dots danced the more the disappointment sank in.
I would love to baby girl but I'm quite busy this season around. How about this coming Saturday.
At least he had included an alternative this time. This did not stop me from feeling hurt that he couldn't figure a way out of his busy schedule for me. I was genuinely abandoning my job just to be with him, he never saw it. Instead it was just a normal dealing for him. Saturday was okay. It wasn't my busy day but still it took away some edge from the disappointment I was feeling.
He was frustrating me and intentionally so but I was already plotting on what to put on that Saturday that he wanted to see me. I was making calculated decisions on my outfit whether pants or a dress. I did not wish to feel conscious again, at least not in front of him. It was not such a good thing. He had me wrapped around his small finger and I gladly coiled around it most of the time.
Al right I will see you then ;)
The emoticon was meant to irk him but the fact that he replied with a similar one just told me how much he was enjoying whatever games he was playing with my mind. I could already visualize the smug look on his face while he was replying. He knew what he was doing and it satisfied him beyond measure to do it.
The week passed by too fast with my mind fully focused on the weekend. I had gotten myself a new pair of shoes to match my thrifted dress. He knew me as a rich girl but I just knew how to match my outfits the way they should. I went with solid timeless pieces that wouldn't go out of fashion hence the fresh look always. Friday ended and when I got home the first thing I did was iron my outfit and clean my bag as well as finding a perfume that would work with the type of meeting this was.
I slept a happy girl and woke up even happier. I hoped this was not one of those times that he cancelled on me with no explanation whatsoever. I was tensed about meeting him after all that time and yet I was anxiously waiting to lay my eyes on him. The paradoxical nature of my feelings had me smiling and laughing like a fool all through my travel to see him. I kept glancing at the time on my phone even as I sat in my office. Working on the weekends wasn't always a happy occasion but for the day I felt as though it made perfect sense. Within two hours of being in the office I had already completed my work and all that was left was to just wait for his call.
Where would you like us to meet?
It was an absurd question coming from him since I knew he was the one who always picked out where we met. I however threw around a couple of suggestion for places I knew fell near the category of what he liked. He was a man of distinguished taste and I was beginning to acknowledge and like it more each day.
The Coffee Hub? Serenity Palace?
Let's try The Coffee Hub. I better not get there before you baby girl.
The promise in that text had me giggling to myself as I ran through the various ways this would end. I felt tempted to try him and see how it ends but at the same time I didn't. I felt like a hormonal teenager as I made my way through the traffic to meet him. I walked in only to see him already comfortably sitting, his phone in his hands and an eyebrow lifted when he noticed me. A smile came upon his face, not a cute loving smile but a you messed up type of smile. I swallowed in anticipation as I took small steps towards him. He stood up and pulled me into his arms, one of his palms taking captive the nape of my neck. My heart sped up from the proximity as well as the desire to know what he had in store for me.
"You know you messed up right?" The statement caused a skip of a beat from my heart waiting to hear what was in store for me.
***
The pain medicine wore off way too quickly and the reality of how much pain I was in hit me like a ton of bricks. Every part of me was in pain including the one small treacherous organ that led me to all the terrible situations I had found myself in. My heart. I had not fully comprehended why yet but my heart hurt so badly, like it did the day I found the body of my late husband. I had not fully healed from that yet and could be that was why the pain was so intense. My body felt heavy as did the air around me. It was almost impossible to breath and the moment I was able to peel my eyes open, I knew why.
Sitting right next to me was a uniformed police officer watching me like a hawk. He seemed to immediately notice that I was awake since he called for someone to come into the room. I tried to make out what he was saying but the ringing in my ear couldn't allow me. I could only watch as a nurse came in and examined me. She peered into my eyes with her flashlight. However instead of the flashlight all I saw was the fire. The fire. Shit there was a fire and he was still in the car. I had tried to get to him but someone had stopped me, drugged me. Shit I wasn't a dream. I had killed him. I all of a sudden had the strength to rise but something was holding on to my left wrist and preventing me from doing it.
I looked down at my side to see what it was and it all started becoming clear. I was handcuffed to the bed. The pain in my head intensified a great deal as the realization came to me. I was being arrested because of him. I deserved it that was for sure but they couldn't even allow me to heal first? I felt guilty as the conversation I had had with Kirsten made its way back to my mind. I certainly knew that somehow I was guilty and responsible for his life. I did not even try to justify it since if I had not been with him then he wouldn't have found himself in that situation. I was being a cruel person for trying to look for ways that this was unfair. I deserved any penalty thrown towards me. I was a heartless person and this was what heartless people got.
My desire for him and what he made me feel had led to this part. I lay back down on the bed as I felt tears well up in my eyes. I had made sure that three children did not have a father any longer. I had won and lost at the same time. I just wanted him to give me a little bit of his time, his affection, his love and he had. He gave me more than he should have. He gave me his love and finally his life. I did not deserve him, just like I never deserved Delvin.
I closed my eyes and let quiet tears flow out of my eyes. I couldn't feel them slip through my cheeks. Guess they were as numb as my heart was. It had been so stupid of me to assume that all was going to work out for me, for us. God had known that I'd mess up when he took Delvin away and I sure did. I let the demons in me win and here I was. Surrounded by machines and handcuffed to a bed, my fate had been sealed. There was very little that could have been done in relation to it. All that was left was my acceptance.
You had to make sure we are both widowed didn't you? Her words rang clear in both my mind and heart. She was right. I was a selfish prick who in spite of everything, knowing fully well that she knew we had an affair with her husband and she did not question it, I had to take him away. I had to just do what I did best spoil things. Now I had lost both of the men that I cared most about. I had nothing left to live for. Nothing to be proud of. It was profound that even the woman I still loved as my friend hated me to the gut for taking our man away. It could be misread but the truth remained, even with the knowledge of my situation the woman tolerated and that made her a friend. The many dinners we had together as two families. The sneaky winks from her husband to me in their presence.
You know you messed up right? His voice sounded so real that I almost thought he was right next to me. Were it not for the fact that I was with him when he left, I would have believed he was there. For the first time the weight of the situation fell on my shoulders and I just couldn't stop myself from letting out a guttural cry.