Weeks of radio silence. I thought we had solved our issues but clearly we hadn't. It had been weeks since I heard from him and somehow that still broke my heart. I should have known. He was a married man for crying out loud. There was no need to have high expectations of him, of this relationship but I couldn't help it. I had ended up falling in love with him and I had no proper explanation as to why. What I felt for him was slowly starting to take a toll on my relationship and my fiancé kept complaining of how I wasn't attentive to him anymore. I did not blame him. I was busy hurting from a broken heart caused by a married man and I couldn't discuss it with anyone because they would all think I was crazy and petty. Every day I woke up and checked my phone hoping that he would have the sense to actually text me. I had vowed not to text him first but every day I was losing the battle with my primitive desire to hear from him.
I plugged my earphones to my device and played my music as loud as humanly possible, through the tiny buds. I wanted to feel numb to what he had caused me to suffer. I didn't know that I could fall that deep and fast for a man like I had with him. I wished so much that he could really see what was in my heart in that moment. It was quite selfish considering someone's son loved me and referred to me as his whole world yet here I was, my mind running with thoughts of someone else's husband. In that moment I asked myself how I would feel being in the shoes of the woman in his life. What if after 11 years of being married my husband decided that he needed something younger.
The more I thought about it the more the possibility welled in me that this would be done to me. I had one requirement in mind, she had to be beautiful and conservative like I thought I was. If he was going to cheat maybe, he ought to cheat with someone like me. I smiled at how stupid that sounded. I opened up my messaging app and let myself get carried by the desire that had been building in my heart. I opened our weeks old chats and scrolled through them checking how it all started and admiring just how far we had come since the first time we had ever held any conversation. I thought back to how platonic it was the very first time we met but that kiss changed it all. Somehow I felt as though the type of friendship we had could never be fully platonic. I knew I had strong feelings for him but as I checked it I realized maybe it was just one sided.
Hi stranger J.
I typed it out even before I could think. I knew I was going to chicken out if I didn't send the text immediately. I had noticed how he was becoming extremely busy for me not even giving me a chance to hear from him at any point. He was either away for work or too busy with work. Sending that text was just a waste of time since I knew he wouldn't respond to it. I was that invaluable to him since we broke up. The feeling of my chest constricting painfully did not go unnoticed. I instinctively placed my hand on my chest trying to stop it since it was too heavy. I was too far gone with this one.
Hello hello, have we met?
The playful tone I deduced from the text had me smiling and eased the tension a little bit. I felt even happier when I noticed he had replied to my text almost immediately as opposed to how long it normally took him to respond to me. I smiled even wider. He still had me in his mind even with all that had been going on with us. There was no denying our friendship was thriving but not in the way I wanted it to thrive. I was thankful for what I received from him even if it was just scraps of attention. I was a goner for the man. I counted ten seconds in my heart before I responded wishing to seem less eager to talk to him.
I don't believe we have. I am Em J.
I hated the way I found myself using emoticons for all the conversations I had with him. Maybe I was trying to find some relevance or even make the conversation livelier but somehow we ended up in the same place over and over again. I hoped that it was going to be different this time but as the seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours I knew that our conversation had ended. I slowly started questioning myself of what I had done wrong that had caused him to be so cold with me. I felt like I did not deserve that, not as a friend and surely not even as his side piece. I felt used even without him using me in any way. I wanted to hate him but somehow he seemed impossible to hate. I scrolled through the story that I was reading on my Epub before I turned my phone off and walked out of the office.
Hours turned into days and I decided to reach out anymore. I realized the more that I tried reaching out the more it hurt me. It left me in more emotional anguish than I had been in before I spoke to him. I counted each day I did not speak to him as a milestone in my life. Somehow I felt like a drug addict trying to get free from the hook. It was difficult. Everyday a day ended without me sending him a text became the biggest achievement I could ever have. In this moment I took time distracting myself while focusing on my relationship rather than what I couldn't have. I was doing much better as long as no one mentioned a name that came close to sounding like his, otherwise all the progress would go down the drain.
I was typing out my work in the office on that morning when the intercom rang and I answered it to receive information that someone was here to see me. I knew I had no appointments for that day and I for sure did not wish to have any. I asked my secretary to handle it but it turned out that it was something that only I could handle the matter at hand. I resigned with a sigh before organizing my office to seem as though I was too busy in order to deter the person that was here to see me from staying too long. The young woman walked in after knocking slightly on the open door. My colleague and I both looked up at her.
"I'm here for Emily," She stated without even a hello. My colleague pointed her in my direction and I looked at her trying to decipher why she wanted to see me. She walked to me and slowly pulled something out of her bag. For a moment I was scared as I did not know what she was getting from her bag. She pulled out a small bag and I immediately recognized it causing all the air to be knocked out of my lungs. There were about twelve pieces of lemons in the bag. My breath hitched. He remembered. He always did. I wondered how I had almost lost faith in him knowing that he always found a way of delivering.
"You know who sent those right?" she asked.
I couldn't find the words so I nodded in appreciation. I stared at the bag that was now in my arms and then looked up at my colleague who was fighting her smile. She knew the whole story. It had stemmed from the moment I had told her not to ask me about Ethan but not that it mattered now. She had noticed how much my mood had changed from the moment I saw the damned lemons. I appreciated and sent the girl on her way. To avoid questions, I pugged in my earphones without anything playing. I opened my messaging app and immediately looked for our last conversation. It still hurt my heart a little that the conversation seemed one sided but at least he was thoughtful.
Hey, you sent me lemons?
Hello, They're for Em.
I felt fondness fill my heart at that. I knew that he deleted all our conversations so I did not expect him to remember that but he did.
:) that's very kind and thoughtful of you. I appreciate.
Welcome.
That sounded cold but I did not take the hint. I tried to force the conversation to be a bit longer.
How much do I owe you?
It wasn't too far-fetched as I had told him I wanted to buy lemons from him.
Complimentary
Appreciated. J
I was done trying to force the conversation to flow when it wasn't. He had decided it needed to end and so I had to as well. Even if not willingly, the end had come for us.
***
The sun shining on my face and the warmth of someone lying next to me was what woke me. It was a refreshing moment of peace. It had been a while since I had been in a position of experiencing such exquisite feelings. I guess I was starting to heal. Nightmares had been kept at bay and I was glad that I had a restful night for a change. I turned around and came face to face with him. He was asleep with his lips slightly parted. He looked so cute without his glasses and I felt tempted to just ran my finger through his stubble and feel its roughness. I felt his arms tighten around me pulling me impossibly closer to himself.
"I can feel your eyes on me." He croaked out his voice husky and enticingly delicious. I looked up at him to verify if his eyes were still closed. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as I noticed his eyes crack open in the same moment. I averted my eyes from his. His gaze was still as searing as I remembered. His sharp calculative eyes just had a way of seeing inside my soul and now wasn't the best moment. Slowly as the sleep left my eyes I started noticing people littering the beach a few meters from us. The only reason as to why none had noticed us yet was because the nook was a bit hidden away and it was hard for anyone to see.
"You are so beautiful." He whispered. I had not looked up yet. My eyes were focused on the hairs on his chest. There was just something about it that made me forget how sore I was from the night and desire more. I found myself playing with them teasing and twisting them between my fingers. I felt him chuckle slightly at that. I dared not look up however since I would get swallowed up. I wasn't ready for that. My body was surprisingly well rested but the soreness was something else. I also became increasingly self-conscious of my morning breath as well as the absence of any amenities to help with that.
"People are starting to gather around the beach we should get dressed and get going." I whispered but I was still unable to bring myself from my position. I wished we would remain that way forever. I knew this was short lived however because he would soon go back to his family and forget all about me. He was a family man after all and I was not going to deny him that just because we had something going on. I felt his lips on my forehead and his chin resting on my head. I felt him inhale deeply and I couldn't help the delicious shiver that ran through me. There was no doubt I was in love with this man even though I knew he was never going to be mine.
"You're already dressed baby girl." He spoke huskily as his hand made its way under the comforter and squeezed my thigh slightly making me hum a tune I did not know I had in me. I looked up at him in surprise at his statement only then being aware that his torso was bare while mine was already covered. It wasn't the two piece from yesterday but something different, a sundress. I looked at him in surprise. He chuckled at that releasing me and taking his glasses before sitting up. He just had a way or surprising me that I had not seen with anyone else. I felt the warmth spread through my chest at that gesture and while I sat up and the comforter dropped even further I noticed it. He had a pair of shorts on showing off his hairy legs.
"How?" I asked and as usual he understood exactly what I was asking. Instead of answering me however he gave my ear a playful nip before getting up and picking up his T-shirt from a pile of clothes I had not noticed before. I ogled him as he put on the shirt his muscles flexing strongly. He was a dream to me. Perfection in its finest form. I pulled my legs closer to myself wincing as the soreness caught up to me. Immediately his eyes darted to me, checking for injuries before he straightened his shirt and walked towards me.
"I hurt you didn't I?" It was more of a statement than a question. He knelt beside me and gently stretched my legs out making me wince a little bit even though I did not want to. He had been rough and I had liked it, even in that moment I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. He helped me up and I supported myself with his frame. Damn, I had not known it was that intense. I was not ready for him to pick me up and carry me out of the dome and to our hotel room. I had not known it was such close proximity and I was sure I could have made it if I decided to walk but there but I knew there was no arguing with Ethan Lamb as long as he had made the choice. I buried my face in his neck as he walked between the throngs of people feeling a bit shy about it.
The moment we walked into the room, he deposited me carefully on the bed before he made his way to the adjoined bathroom. I knew he was worried but he did not need to be. I was sure that I was fine. Knowing that he would definitely beat himself up over me feeling too sore, I made my way to the bathroom only to find him standing under the shower still fully dressed, water soaking through him.
"Ethan," I whispered before walking towards him and hugging him from behind.
"I was too rough; you did not stop me. Now you are hurt." He whispered back as the cold water started soaking through me as well.
"I'm not hurt. Thank you for gifting me well." I whispered feeling a shiver as the water caught up. I felt him stir and I slightly lightened my grip allowing him to turn around and embrace me in his arms.
"It's worth the pain?" he offered and I nodded before looking up at him and planting a kiss on his lips.