He looked into my eyes, his hand around my waist pulling me closer. I would have been inclined to move away in such instances but this one was special. One he was a good looking man and secondly I had enough alcohol in my system to kill a horse. I did not mind it at all. Instead I found myself pulling closer and wanting to be even nearer to his sweet scent. So musky and yet thrilling at the same time. I couldn't describe it, but I could describe what it did to me. I leaned in hoping to catch a stronger whiff of his scent.
"I need you to keep this a secret." He whispered his lips so close to mine, almost touching as he spoke to me. I so much craved it, or I could blame it on the alcohol and say I was innocent. Deep down though I knew that I wanted this so badly that even without the alcohol, his tempting scent would have had me rearing in no time and wanting to just sit still in his arms and feel it. He nudged my nose with his reminding me that I still needed to give him the answer to his earlier request. I swallowed trying to clear my throat before I found the words.
"I will," He punctuated my statement with a sweet kiss to the lips which came as surprise so much so that I pulled back from him. I did not expect a guy as hot as him to be kissing an average jane like myself no matter the kind of situation we found ourselves in. Secondly I still had to establish a few things first. I needed to have some small control over whatever it was that we had together. Above all I needed to know what this was.
"On one condition though, we get to do this date thing again." I whispered back looking into his eyes wanting to see deeper than he was letting me. His dark orbs however held me captive not allowing me in. I was slightly disappointed that he did not trust me enough yet I was almost at a point of baring my heart and soul to him. I was just holding on to a small thread before I did things I would regret.
"Date is a strong word." He whispered back with a small laugh rumbling at the back of his throat. I was almost taken into the assumption that I loved his laugh, especially when he was not only laughing but when he was also kissing me like he was in the very moment. His words stung but I did not let it show instead I smiled at him bring my fingers up to touch his beard to distract myself from the sting. Soft hairs covered his chin and they almost made me forget the little thing he said, a red flag I ignored in the moment.
"What's the right word," I asked planting a small kiss on his chin. The sweet smell of alcohol mixed with amazing perfume wafted into my nostrils reminding me just how much I was already falling for him, admittedly, more than I should have.
"A meet up."
***
ONE YEAR LATER
"Let's take bikes we are already late." His voice was rushed as we left the house. I had one shoe on and the other one was being held in my hand as I was struggling with my bag to be able to lock the door. There was no way I was going to make it on time if this was how he was going to rush me. I had expected things to be a bit different but after we got married he was still the same. I hurried to lock the door before I placed my other shoe on the ground to put on, only to realize that I couldn't wear it. The sandal straps were no longer attached forcing me to have to change shoes. I looked up and I could see the frustration on his face at whatever had happened. At that moment I heard the significant three vibrations from my phone that was in my pocket and a smile appeared on my face.
"Go ahead baby. Let me just hang back and change my shoes. I will drop your lunch off, okay?" I asked giving him the sweetest smile I could master, before walking to him and pecking his lips goodbye. I reassured him of my love. It was something that I knew I had to do and I was certain of. I loved him. He was my lifeline. Even with the impatience and the lack of common courtesy he was still the person I would have wished to have with me for the rest of my life. I loved him with everything that I had in me and that wasn't going to change anytime soon.
"Take care baby," The words were said simultaneously and they had us both smiling at how much we said those words together. It was an intense feeling and seeing how his eyes burned into mine. It reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place. He placed a kiss on lips almost leaving me breathless before he whispered 'I love you' in my ear. He rushed out from our compound and I could see him flag down a bike to take him to work. I unlocked the house after I was sure he had left and walked to our bedroom to get a fresh pair of flats. It was a little bit awkward as this was my favorite pair that had just gotten spoilt but I was determined not to let that take my shine. I place my shoes on the floor and slipped into them before giving myself a one over on the mirror and being certain that I looked good.
At that point my phone vibrated again reminding me that I was yet to check it after that moment that I had felt it the first time. I let my heart get a little excited before pulling my phone out of my back pocket and checking it. The first time he had texted I was so excited. To this moment, when he texted it brought me sheer joy even more than what my husband brought me. He was still the little bolt that held my sanity, between my harsh work life and my nonchalant man. I needed some sort of relief and he provided me with just that. He was my peace in all the insanity, and he knew it. He knew it because I served the same purpose for him even with how crazy work had been and how hectic family life was. We were each other's place of peace.
I'm at our usual place.
Your man just left you can come now.
The two sms were just the thing I needed to hear in that moment. I wanted to be sure that we could be ourselves without worry of anyone catching us. I sent back a quick okay and rushed to lock up the house. I almost forgot our lunch were it not for the fact that I received a text from my husband reminding me we did not have breakfast and therefore that lunch was one of the most important meals he would require. There was no disputing that when I was with Ethan I forgot all about everything. I smiled at that and sent him a laugh emoji just to let him know I appreciated the reminder. I quickly picked up my bags and walked out of the house, this time being careful on lock up.
I walked across the street to the usual place where we met up with Ethan. It was a small area hidden away behind the trees and overshadowed by other building to a point where one could not make out the car from where our apartment building was. I did a quick look around before I ducked into the car and into his arms. I had missed his embrace. The way he was warm and he smelled so nice, like home. I inhaled deeply from his neck which caused him to laugh and whisper in my ear, "missed you too baby girl."
I had never gotten used to his pet names. I had never gotten used to him calling me all the sweet names he had mastered. They all just sounded so seductive especially when they were spoken by him. He patiently held me while he waited for me to feel like I had had enough of his embrace. Witnessing this scene, one would have thought that it had been months since we saw each other, but instead it had been a weekend. One weekend of him being away for work and I was pining over him. I was allowed to pine though. The man was my life. I let go of him and was going to sit back into the passenger's seat when he grabbed my face and planted a desperate kiss on my lips. All the thoughts flew out of my mind and I found myself thoughtlessly responding to the rough caress of his lips.
"I don't think I'll ever get enough of you. We should run away together and just start a life of our own." I whispered before I heard him tense up. It was the typical response to this conversation. This was not the first time we had had this conversation and I knew the response all too well. I pulled away from his arms and sat back taking a deep breath in readiness for the response that was already singing in my heart and breaking me slowly. The typical one. He placed his hand on my thigh and I did not fight it. I instead closed my eyes and tried to disappear into the seat before he broke me more than he already had. There was something so addictive with him yet there was no way to have him. Not while I was married and he was also married.
"Lizza, we've talked about this. Come on. You and I are not good as a couple, but this, this is what works for us. That is why we keep doing it." I could feel my heart break again, as if the undisciplined organ had not been broken before or prepared for it. I let it sink in and convinced myself that I had Delvin for the rest of my life. He was going to be my man forever and that was okay. He after all completed me in more ways than Ethan did and in as much as I did not want to, I had to admit that Ethan was right. We needed to focus on all the other things.
"You are right Ethan. We should concentrate on what we have here only. There's no need to overstep to territories we aren't so familiar with." I commented and I could feel a bit of pain seeping into my voice as the words came out. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help that I felt as though he was a better match for me than Delvin was. I couldn't help the feeling that his wife was not the best match for him, at least not as good as I was. I knew though that even if I was his wife he would have gone ahead and masqueraded out in the world like he was right now and that was a clear indicator that we were not meant to be. We were both just ticking bombs that sought solace in each other and one day they were going to explode.
"Baby you know I love you. We can take a trip this coming month and I will convince you of my love for you." His words warmed my heart just a little but did nothing about the void that was already forming. I let it slide and I decided to just smile and go with it. I had been warned that I was going to fall for him and it would be great hurt on my side but I had not listened so I decided to eat the fruits of my incompetent spirit. I nodded with a smile and squeezed his hand coercing him to start the car and drive on. Checking the time, I knew I'd be late for work but it didn't matter. I was the boss as of now and I had nothing to worry about except maybe buying a vehicle. I smiled as that thought got into my mind as I remembered how prepared I was to get a car for Delvin and I to avoid all the inconveniences of walking to places.
We drove down the streets at a leisure place knowing that we held the cards in our specific companies. A song that I loved started playing over the radio and I found myself just turning the knob to have it even louder and I saw his lips quack up at that gesture, before his head started bopping up and down to the tune. We kept driving but something caught my eye ahead of us. A small crowd had formed around something and I immediately felt my body get alert. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. I did not know why but this one felt personal. As if sensing the shift in my feelings, Ethan reduced the volume of the stereo and slowed down parking his car at the curb and unlocking it, knowing fully well that I was going to check out the situation. Normally I never even cared but this time, my legs guided me even before I could stop them.
I could see the trail of blood and I had started feeling queasy. I thought working in a hospital would stop me from being squeamish at the sight of blood but I had been wrong. I was more squeamish than before. It was almost as though the red was speaking to me specifically. I did not respond though. I let it run with no words in my mouth. All I could hear of the voices of the crowd was what sounded like whispers as I squeezed myself through the small cracks people had left in between them before I saw a familiar shoe. The feeling kept growing but I tried to tame my heart in order for it to stop worrying. This type of shoe was common for most men, but at the same time it pushed me and gave me more strength to push through the crowd trying to get closer and closer. My eyes got blurry as I got closer to the scene. I could feel the blood in my veins get cold and all the hopes and dreams I had had begun to shatter.
"No. no, no." Those were the only words that left my mouth as I slowly registered the mangled remains of a human being that lay on the tarmac. My eyes couldn't believe it and my brain couldn't perceive it. It seemed like my deceitful self was still lying to me even as I clearly saw the what remained of his shirt from this morning. It was all bloodied now but it didn't stop me from walking closer trying to clasp what remained of him in my arms. I found myself tearing away from whatever or whoever was holding me back and I splinted towards where he was lying in a pool of his own blood. My sweet man who had just texted me a few minutes earlier about his lunch. His face was no longer what I knew. He was no longer my husband and the longer I sat there clasping his bloodied self, the more it sank in that he was gone and there was no getting him back. With that reality now settling at the bottom of my stomach, I let the darkness sweep me away.