Blue has never been my color but looking at the walls in Ms. Nicole's office,I had to admit that it looked pretty good. I guess she used the blue color because it's has a calming effect on people.
Normally when you think of the color blue, you think of natural things like the sky, the ocean and all these things have a calmness towards them. It was a smart decision, I already felt myself calming down and relaxing as I sat in her office.
The wallpapers also contributed to this and it also made me think that maybe she was a big lover of nature. There were pictures of polar bears in their natural habitat. Flowers blooming in the morning sun. A little girl holding a flower up to her kneeling mother.
All in all,the office was really designed to help sooth any patient that would come in and the classical and country music playing in the background really set the mode for a trip down one's life.
I was particularly excited about being in the office and all the thoughts and plans I had made towards wanting to stay away from the sessions went with the wind.
Ms. Nicole looked at me, waiting patiently for an answer. When she noticed that I wasn't going to say anything,she went towards the stereo and turned the music off. Then she looked at me and said "most patients don't like the music. But I personally think it is perfect for setting the mood,don't you?"
I turned slowly and looked at her. I didn't know the angle she was playing at but I knew that it will not end well for me. "You can leave the music on. It's not the reason for me not answering" I told her honestly. I hadn't been in there for close to 10 minutes and I was already exhausted with having to watch what I say.
She turned the music back on and came back to the sofa. She sat down and took my hands in hers, looked me dead in the eye and asked "so,what's the reason?"
"You see most therapist I know don't give their patients a dead glare like you just did."
"Have you seen a lot of therapist?"
"No, you're the first. But I have seen a lot of movies that has a therapist character"
She smiled, "so you think that life is like a movie?"
"Is it not?"
While making small circles on the palm of my hand,she asked. "Pray tell, why do you think that?"
"Well,I believe that some things that happens in a person's life is exactly the kind of stuff one should be watching on television. I mean in one person's life,they could be so much drama going on. So much that defile the odds of life."
"And what are the dramas going on in your life? Are they worth making a movie about?"
I didn't answer that. And I feared that I had already said too much. I don't know how it happened though, she just had this aura that expelled all of your secrets out from your very own lips. It was mind blowing and totally overwhelming. For a moment, I thought it was because of what she was doing with her hands. Maybe the spell was done when she was making circles on my hand. With this thought in mind,I removed my hand from hers and left the sofa to a chair.
I guess she must have noticed my change in countenance,for she smiled and shook her head. Then she went to her chair behind the table and sat down. "You know,I believe that the best way to tackle a problem is to face it head on. And yes,life is like a movie." She then took a dramatic pause before she said "you know,am not supposed to be giving out personal information but I can tell you about my sister if you promise to keep this between us." Grateful that I was no longer the subject of discussion,I nodded .
She got all comfortable on her leather chair and started talking. "Her name is Michelle and she is just lovely. She has this beautiful garden that she grows behind her house and few days ago,she came back from work to notice that it was destroyed. She went livid because she absolutely adored that garden. So she went to her neighbors to ask if they saw what happened to the garden,but no one did."
Fortunately for her one of neighbors had mounted some surveillance cameras because the neighborhood was kinda rough at night. So they went through the footage to see what had happened and nothing was seen. No body had gone into the garden to destroy it,no wind had blown the pretty flowers away. Nothing out of the ordinary was seen."
"So by this time,my sister was perplexed. She didn't know what to do. How did her garden get destroyed on it's own. She couldn't sleep that night,so the next morning she went to the garden and started inspecting it. And it turned out that gophers had gotten into her garden and destroyed everything."
Then she stopped and looked at me. I was waiting to hear how this applies to anything,so I sat quietly. She caught on to what I was trying to do and explained herself.
"You see,that is a little play of out a movie. She was worried about what happened to her garden and then she went to extra miles to figure out the puzzle. But all she had to do was face the problem from it's source and get the answer she desperately wanted. And that's how life is sometimes, we need to face our problem from the source to get the answer we want. And sometimes we need to look deep into ourselves in order to get the answer we want. And dreams are a good way to explore into the mindset of a person."
"Now,care to indulge me in why you are not sleeping well?"
Needless to say,I was surprised. She twisted all that and still landed at asking me to tell her about my dreams. I had to give it to her,she was good.But I had some tricks up my sleeves too. "Dreams can be confusing. I personally don't think that it's a valid reflection of a person's mind. A person may have thought of something else and that gets replicated in his or her dream."
"But will you agree with me that for one to have thought about something,the must have been an incident or an imagination that led to that? And I can understand if you do not want to share. It must have something to do with the house."
I turned and looked at her "excuse me?"
"Well when last I spoke to your parents on the phone,they mentioned something about the incident that happened when you got back from the hospital. And I totally understand that what you went through must have been life draining,but what I do not understand is the fact that the very sight of the house in which you grew up in made you faint. It's quite a pickle, don't you agree?"
I could see what she was doing. She was done playing naive,now she was just coming out and showing her cards. "I don't believe I was meant to explain myself. I don't see any reason why I should because the last time I checked,I was neither a doctor nor a psychiatrist so how am I to know what happened to me that day?"
She wrote something down and then looked at me and said "The mind is controlled by it's owner. Nothing happens there without the owners permission,so forgive me for knowing that you knew exactly what happened to you that day. You just don't want to share and it bothers me still."
I stood up so fast I got a head rush. I didn't let that stop me from shouting at her,"well get over it. Because you are not my mother so you have no right to be worried about me!"
Again,she wrote something down and then said "You mentioned only your mother. Does it mean that it's only your mom that cares about you? Does your dad not show you the fatherly love he is meant to?"
Again,I did not answer and she wrote something down. "It is quite easy for one to be bothered when the father is not acting like he should and it can have the most devastating effect on the children" She walked up to me and took my hand once more "Talk to me Rebecca,is your father not showing you love? Is he not treating you well?"
I had no idea how to answer that. My real father was a big jerk,but Becky's father has been nothing but sweet to me. If I was to answer honestly,it would mean me telling her that I hated my father. But am in Becky's body now,if I was to say that Mr. Jail would be in trouble because I know that social services would hear about this. I didn't want to bring any problems to the Jails,they have been amazing with me but then again,it would feel so much better to tell someone how I really felt about my father. I had to do what was best for the Jails and so I smiled and said "No,dad has been amazing towards me. I find myself really lucky to have a father like him."
Ms. Nicole looked at me and sighed. She went back to her seat and again,she wrote something down. And I thought to myself, "God it hurts to be me". I was so exhausted from trying to not expose too much about myself that I didn't even notice that my session with Ms. Nicole was over. Her alarm was what alerted us that it was time to go.
She looked at me and said "well Rebecca this was lovely. I really do hope you will come back later." She stood up and started walking me towards the door. At the door,she said "I really do hope that next time you come,you will be more honest with me". I couldn't reply to that and so I turned my face and saw my parents waiting to take me home. It made me feel warm to know that they cared so much to be there before I even closed. Especially mom,I knew she had a lot to do at the office and she still made out time to come pick me up. I felt loved.
Mom came towards us and gave me a hug before looking at Ms. Nicole and telling her thank you. I honestly did not know why she was thanking her. Dad came forward and said "I hope she wasn't too much trouble."
"No,she has been a doll. I will send her schedule to you this evening,I hope that is okay with you?"
"Oh absolutely. Thank you so much and we will see you next time."
"Yes till next time. Take care yourself now Rebecca." I nodded my head and left with Rebecca's parents.
I went to bed early that night. I couldn't really stay up and talk. Amanda wanted us to talk about it so that she could know how it went,but I told her I will talk to her the next day seeing as I was quite tired. She reluctantly left me. I quickly had dinner while trying to avoid Jeffrey stares. James was kind enough to not mention anything about the therapy through out dinner. Jeffrey on the other hand felt like it was all he could talk about.
I obviously did not answer any of his dumb questions and before I knew it,dinner was over and I had to go help Mom do the dishes.
After I was done with that,I went upstairs to my room. Had my bath,brushed my teeth, put on my pajamas and went straight to bed. I was just about to sleep when I heard a knock on the door,mom came in and said she just wanted to wish me a goodnight rest.
She came towards me and kissed my forehead and then she left. Before she could close the door, I spoke out "Mom" she turned and looked at me "thank you". She smiled and said "goodnight baby" and she turned off the lights. I slept with a smile on my face that night leaving the troubles of tomorrow to be handled tomorrow.