Letters to Kiara
Letter 172
I am tired of hiding and having to run away. I miss my freedom, and the joy of being me. I look outside every day, seeing birds flying and once in a while I see a dog running up the street. I see two or three children playing, and I admire them, for I tell myself that they truly do not know what they have. To them, it is just them living their usual lives; yet to me it is a treasure. To be able to walk outside and be myself; to hold my camera and take as many photographs as I can, and then to sit on a desk and edit them all…that is a precious treasure. To make a call and receive one too, to plan to meet with a friend and talk and laugh with them, without any fear of what bad thing can happen; or who may be either following or watching me. These are the freedoms of life that we were never taught to value. We only realise what they mean when we do not have them anymore.
Maybe one day, Kiara, the freedom shall come back to me.
Still loving you, JRR
***
Letters to Kiara
Letter 173
I remember two or three years back, I was laughing at my mother. You remember the songs that she used to listen to. An avid lover of country music, mum always listened to the music of Dolly Parton. Myself, since I was never a lover of country music, I thought it sounded so boring and too sad. I did not like the songs mum used to listen to; and I told her so.
Actually I laughed at her. I laughed at her music selection, but today when I look back, I think she could have been right. Some of those songs really meant a lot. There is one song which she played religiously. If I had had the chance, I would have asked her why she loved that song so much. Did the song hold a special meaning to her? Did something happen for her to love it that much? Or was it just one of the songs that she liked and she played a lot; without necessarily communicating anything to anyone?
That song, I recall, she used to play every day. Sometimes while I slept in my bedroom, I would wake up to the soft music and the smell of freshly prepared breakfast. I loved such mornings. Sounding as if from far away, the song would play, and these days, every single morning, it plays in my mind. It plays just the same. I can hear it from far off, and I have made it mine. I personalised it. This is the song, Kiara:
If he brings you happiness;
Then I wish you all the best
It's your happiness that matters most of all
But if he ever breaks your heart
If the teardrops ever start
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
I'll be there anytime
You need me by your side
To drive away every teardrop that you cry
And if he ever leaves you blue
Just remember, I love you
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls.
(Song By Dolly Parton. Source: LyricFind. Songwriters Ben Peters / Vivian Keith (1967) Fingerlake Music Publishing Company, Nashville)
If I had written you a song, Kiara. That is the song that I would have written for you.
Truly yours, JRR
***
Letters to Kiara
Letter 174
I was telling myself that I should have written you a song, and I should have let you go. I failed to love you enough to let you go. From the beginning, I should have opened my heart to release you; and keep the door open, so that when you want to come back, you could always fly back in. I should have assured you that you could always come back to me at any time, at any moment, for I will forever welcome you back, no matter how long it takes me to wait.
Kiara, if I had written you the song and let you fly free like a bird, we would not be where we are now. I would not be where I am. I'm sure you are happy, for even though they say Vine is bad; how bad can he be, to the mother of his first son?
But all the same, our lives would have been better if only I had set you free.
If only I had accepted what life threw at us, and not fought to bring you back, who knows; maybe by now you would have flown back to me. Vine would have let you fly back to me; where you rightly belong.
He fought for you and he went to all extremes because I fought. I should not have fought with him, because rightfully, you and I belong together. I should not have tried to stand in his way, but allowed him to have you.
By standing up and fighting; by all the attempts I made, I opened Vine's eyes to see your value. He realised your worth, and he wanted you for himself.
I believe to him you were just but the mother of his son, and he saw no value behind the gem that you are.
But in my efforts to bring back to me what rightfully belongs to me, I exposed the polished gem.
You are mine, Kiara; as well as I am yours. We belong to each other and it is taking too long for us to reconnect because I did not write you a song. I should have written you a song, Kiara.
But, as some love to say, it is never too late to do what one should have done. I should have written you a song; so why don't I write it now? Today I'm writing you this song, my dear Kiara: BEFORE THE NEXT TEARDROP FALLS.
This is the song, which although I did not personally write, I dedicate to you, for whoever wrote it must have been in the exact situation as I am.
This is the song, Kiara; and it is from my heart to yours. This is the song, and you know that I love you. When he finally chooses to let you go, you can always come back to me. In the mean time I will be waiting.
Before the next teardrop falls, I will be there. JRR
***
Letters to Kiara
Letter 175
I will wait for you, Kiara. Vine is a temporary disturbance; he surely will leave our lives, just as suddenly as he entered. He will be gone, and you and I shall continue from where we left.
For to me, to love is to love you, and to imagine another person in that space in my heart; is impossible.
As I wait, my love for you continues to grow.
I still love you. JRR