Parisa sat on a plush cushion in a small nook on the second floor of the Astri estate. She leaned her head against the chilled window, her breath fogging the glass each time she breathed out. She'd traced lines into it, savoring the feel of the dampness on the pad of her finger, but each time she did it, she only made basic shape.
Line. Triangle. Circle. She even made a smiley face at one point, but it did nothing to ease the knots of unease and shame that her ladyship had made with her visit.
- 'What can you do?'
She had asked.
- 'Keep my husband entertained at night and I'm sure you will maintain your comforts.'
Parisa couldn't argue against anything Viola had said. She was utterly correct.
- You're not surprised, are you?
She flinched when the slimy voice at the base of her skull returned. It had been quite for a while there and Parisa had hope that maybe it was gone for good. As if hearing her thoughts, the voice chuckled.
- You'll never be rid of me, Parisa. I'm as much a part of you as you are of yourself.
She crinkled her nose at the response. So, she was certifiably crazy? Parisa clicked her tongue and wiped away the shapes she made.
- I can assure you that you're not crazy.
- How would you know?
She bit her tongue, wishing she hadn't responded, but the voice had goaded her. It had been goading her for the past few days now and she could no longer stay silent. The voice waited a moment before finally replying,
- Because I am you and you are not crazy.
"Of course," she huffed, laughter lacing her words. It got her a sideways glance from Xavier who stood with his back to the wall beside her. She gave a tight smile before turning her body more towards the window. Goosebumps now stood on her arms and legs but she ignored them.
- And my memories of a previous life. Are you to tell me they're actually real?
It was an absurd question. Every cell of her being told her they were as real as she currently was. Every now and then, though, there would be an inkling that told her otherwise. The realistic part of her that had bared the harshness of life told her that she was grasping at the last straws of her sanity. Perhaps this was her viewing it now. The voice, the resurgence of those memories when they had gone dormant for so long. The last of her time spent here at the Astri estate could well be the uncoiling of what remained. If that were true, than the moment she was discovered, she'd be kicked out from the estate with no where to go. She'd have nothing.
- 'you can do nothing nor accomplish nothing on your own.'
Viola had told her before leaving.
- Your memories are true. They're not false.
- Easy to say when you're in my head.
"Copper for your thoughts, my lady?" Xavier asked, pulling her from her internal conversation. The voice went quiet. She could feel it vanish from her mind, as if it were a separate part of her entirely. For a moment, all she felt was a hollowness. "My lady?"
Parisa looked up at Xavier. He watched her expectantly. It appeared as she had his undivided attention and that was something she wasn't used to. At least, not when she wanted the attention. Any other time, it was intrusive and unwelcome like from men she serviced at night, the baron, the estate staff who whispered about her behind her back and then smiled when she showed up before them.
She opened her mouth and then hesitate. It's not as if she could tell him anything truly. She'd never mention the voice she heard nor the memories of her life as Su-ho. Word traveled quickly among nobility and the people. That much Parisa knew thanks to her neighbor ladies back in Lingsct. They'd get news of events that had taken place just the day before. Parisa shuddered to think how quickly word of her insanity would travel around a single estate.
"Her ladyship Viola," Parisa started and then chewed on her words. "She…said some things last night that have been weighing on me."
Xavier shifted so that his body was angled more towards her. His face was open and waiting, his eyes expectant but not pushing. He was offering her a place to speak freely and her heart tightened. When was the last time she'd ever been awarded something so precious?
Parisa looked around, not that what she was about to say needed to remain confidential.
"I'm-she pointed out how uneducated I am." while she spoke, she fidgeted with her skirt, bunching some of it up and then smoothing it out. The repetitive movement eased some of her stress. "I don't know how to read or write. Math is a completely foreign subject to me." Though she did recall some equations she'd seen in her memories as Su-ho. Parisa wasn't sure how reliable that was here, though.
Xavier was quiet as he studied her before looking down the hallway, resuming his proper post.
"Have you ever wanted to learn before?"
Parisa is unable to answer him. Truthfully, she hadn't ever seen a need for any of it when her life was in a stable on a pile of hay. What need did she have for reading or writing then?
"I could teach you math." Xavier said. Parisa's head snapped up at the offer. The knight wasn't looking at her anymore, but she could hear the sincerity in the offer.
"I couldn't possibly…" she started, running a hand through her hair. Her heart thudded in her chest. She looked out the window, gazing at the courtyard below. Her. Learning math. It seemed almost comical but something in her pulled tight. Parisa made to accept his offer but a long hurried memory burst forward from before her parents in Lingsct had gotten terrible.
She had still been allowed to live in the house, then. Her father had been trying to teach her basic math skills so she could accept payment from customers who visited late into the evening. When she hadn't gotten the hang of it, he'd beaten her and forced her into her room. He hadn't tried again after that, and she hadn't asked.
"No," she said, her voice soft. "No thank you, Sir Xavier." Parisa inwardly flinched at the formal speech, but she didn't correct herself. She stood from her seat in the nook and smoothed her dress out. "Lunch should be ready by now. Let's head to the kitchen."
Xavier only nodded and followed after her, but she could feel his gaze on her as they walked down the brightly light hallway. Maids bustled about her and there, cleaning the floors, dusting vases full of bright and colorful flowers. Parisa didn't see Cordelia among any of them, but whenever she made eye contact with one, she's smile and nod as a form of acknowledgement.
It was when she heard a familiar voice that she halted in her steps. The sound of her ladyship Viola drifted down the large hallway. It was joined by another voice, this one sharper and younger sounding. Parisa looked around the hallway and, before she could rethink anything, she slipped behind a pillar. When Xavier looked at her, brow raised in silent question, she lifted a finger to her lips.
"Shhh,"
Viola rounded the corner of the hallway. Beside her stood a younger version of her, with the same hair as the baron and the deadly, cold eyes of Viola.
As they got closer, their conversation became more easily understood.
"Who is Parisa, mother, and why did you go to see her as soon as we returned yesterday?" The girl asked. Getting a peek at her now, Parisa saw that she couldn't have been older than her. Maybe the same age?
Viola's face remained neutral as she responded to her daughter.
"She's no one you need concern yourself with, Maria. With how your father gets, his new plaything will be gone before too long."
For the first time, Viola noticed Xavier standing in the hallway. The young knight bowed his respect to the her ladyship and kissed the back of the young lady's hand.
"Sir Xavier," Viola said coolly. "Shouldn't you be on duty?" The last bit, 'watching over Parisa,' was implied in her tone.
"I was just going to the kitchen to grab lunch before returning to my shift." he said without missing a beat. Viola's eyes assessed him before she nodded and moved past. Her daughter scurried to keep up.
"Be sure to eat plenty, Sir Xavier." she said. Parisa moved around the pillar as the two women passed by, careful not to be seen. The entire time, she studied how both of them walked, their backs straight, shoulders back, chins up. It screamed nobility. It was entirely pride and confidence. Parisa's gut tightened at the sight.
When they were gone, she stepped out from behind the pillar, her eyes trained on the empty space where they had once been.
- 'His new plaything.'
- I'm nothing more than an object.
She looked down at her hands.
- An object that can't do anything.
Parisa bit down on her lip and tossed her head up, meeting Xavier's eyes. His flashed with surprise at her sudden movement.
"Instead of math, could you teach me how to read?"
If she was going to be tossed away soon anyway, she was going to have something to show for all she'd been through.