"Luna" I heard from down the stairs, I instantly curled back up into a little ball underneath my duvet making sure that I tucked my feet under so the imaginary monsters couldn't get me. I didn't want to open an eye and I didn't want to look, because I didn't want to believe this day was real.
Yet another new school I been transferred to after my mum and dad got a divorce, another catholic school! I knew it wasn't going to be any different, you walk in and would be greeted by the principle before going straight to bible study and before you know it you need to make friends.
This was the third time we have moved and it was my first time living in a new state, mum told me we moved here as a fresh start for me, to forget everything and start a brand new me, but the thing is I don't want a brand new me, I just want to be me, but I guess people just don't get that.
I hate having to speak to new people because I don't trust them, my last best and only friend was at my first school in Utah, we grew up together across from the street and we played and hung out with each other almost every day, we had many sleepovers and just couldn't get enough of seeing each other, we often say how we would plan to get rid of boys so that this world would just be ran by girls, we described how cool it would be to walk alone at night and not feel scared, how we could wear what we wanted and not feel vulnerable.
Every night that Olivia laid next to me I thought why the world can't just stop here because I could just live the rest of my life feeling this way and looking at her face, everything was perfect, she was perfect and the world was perfect, well that was until the night of the slumber party. (Oh, and if it wasn't already obvious before, Olivia wasn't just my best friend she was also my girlfriend.)
We all turned up at dixies house getting super excited for this sleepover in her new house, she bragged throughout the entire school year of how she was going to have a pool and a new cinema room, so the minute it got completed she made sure to have the biggest sleepover by inviting every girl in the grade, me and Olivia decided it would be best to go together.
I remember turning up to this large estate home much bigger than what I had first thought and throughout that evening me and Olivia hung out in the pool, we would often pretend that one of us is a shark trying to capture the other one.
It soon came around to the night, me and Olivia set up our sleeping bags next to each other so we could be close, we knew we had to keep our relationship a secret because unfortunately for us both of our families viewed it as a sin.
As rest of the girls fell asleep, we slowly moved closer together until our arms touched, that's when Olivia turned onto her side sliding her free hand under my waist to pull me in closer, she buried her face into the corner of my neck squeezing me tight, I ruffled her long hair through my hand, before finally placing it on her waist and we stayed like that for most of the night until the morning.
The mistake here was that me and Olivia forgot to unhook from each other during the night and there stood Olivia's mum, who was there to pick her up early, she caught both of us lying there on the floor holding each other tight and that's was the last time we saw each other, once my mum and dad found out I remember that's when the fights started happening and all the bad stuff starting happening and that's when despite not seeing colour my whole world went dull.
...............….
"Luna you're going to be late", I heard again but this time it was closer, as my mom yanked the duvet that I had wrapped around me like a cocoon, I squirmed when the cold air hit me, I quickly tried to re curl myself back up into the ball as I didn't want to move, I didn't want to think and I definitely didn't want to speak.
"Luna you're going to be late to DR Harper, this appointment has been booked for 3 weeks now" spoke an agitated voice, but I didn't care instead I squinted a small glare at my mom just enough till I could see that she had put a long pleated dress on, (the only time she wear's this dress when she's trying to impress someone) this was all dad's idea, me going to therapy because he thought by me talking to someone I'd somehow jump for joy and suddenly feel happiness again, this time I widened my eye allowing just enough time for my eyes to adjust to the grey bedroom and my mom's face staring straight at me,
"Get up now! you have 10 minutes otherwise you can go as you are"
I looked down to realise that I was still wearing my harry potter pajamas, the embarrassing kind that had the word muggle written all over it, still surely it can't be that bad turning up in these clothes and I'm sure that therapist has seen a lot worse I thought, but I knew my mum meant it so as much as I didn't want to move my body I uncurled from the fetal position I was in and got up to get dressed, my version of getting dressed is a plain old hoodie with five small moth holes in it and a half chewed sleeve, (chewing my sleeve is something I do when I'm nervous it's like a tic that I can't control) and taking a pair of well worn joggers of my floor and wearing them, I didn't even have the effort to do the sniff test.
I didn't bother brushing my knotty hair as I just couldn't bear to stand in front of the bathroom mirror.
I went downstairs to where mum was waiting with the coats and her keys,
"think fast" she yelled as she launched my coat towards me, (she's always done that since I was little kid, like she was testing my response rate, she would throw random things at me to catch almost like she's forgetting that I'm not blind I just can't see color), I slid on my coat over my hoodie and the sleeves did that annoying thing that I hate where they all ruffle up inside the coat and you can't pull it down. There was a time before where I would care what I looked like, but now I don't care what I look like and I don't care about what people thought of me because hasn't anyone taught them the saying of 'never judge a book by its cover'.
Mom gently rolled to a stop just outside a small office door, pretty tiny if you ask me and definitely not what you expect the outside of the best therapist in the town office to look like.
"Right come on get yourself together" mom said hastily
I slid my way out of the passenger seat until the tips of my shoes had just reached the ground, in one quick swift movement I turned around and slammed the car door as hard as I could, almost like a non-verbal way of expressing to my mom that I do not want to be here.
I proceeded to drag my feet across the graveled street making sure they made the scraping noise I knew that my mom hated, until we reach a rather tall but skinny door the type of one you would see in a cartoon, Mom quickly knocked on the skinny door like she wanted to get rid of me quickly, behind the door I heard very heavy footsteps approaching until they stopped and then the door handle proceeded to turn.
"Ah you must be Luna, Nice to meet you, I'm DR Harper"
A small smirk creeped out from the corner of my mouth, his voice wasn't what I imagined it to be, it was squeaky like a mouse.
"Come on in and we can have a chat," said the squeaky voice
I turned my head and glanced towards my mom, making sure that I was locking eyes with her, before I proceeded to barge my way through the door, at that moment mom grabbed hold of my arm.
"Don't be rude Luna, I taught you better than that" Mom said through the grit of her teeth.
I knew I was being rude but personally I just don't care, I snatched my arm away from my moms tight grip ensuring that the only option she had was to let me go.
"See you at 10 sweetie" I heard from the distance as the door slammed shut behind me.
"Come in and take a seat anywhere you would like" encouraged DR Harper.
I assumed from the size of his feet, he was a tall person, I look at people's feet when I don't to look anywhere else and especially not into their eyes. The office was a pristine clean room that harbored the same hygienic smell as the dentist, across from the oak desk there was a plastic chair where I went and sat.
"Right okay then, so where would you like to start Luna?" questioned DR Harper,
I didn't respond back to him as I didn't want to talk and definitely not to him.
"how about you tell me about the first time you felt these tendencies?" right as that last word slipped out his mouth, I sat up slouching back into my chair as I wasn't brave enough to look him in the eyes just yet, so instead I focused on his hands which where curled around a mug of coffee, the coffee looked like it had been sat there since yesterday as there was no steam coming out of it. I took my time to think about what I should say, but eventually I muttered out the words "what tendencies", I felt the air fill with concern like I didn't understand what he was asking me, but the truth was I didn't know what he was asking me.
"Okay your mom Edith told me about a friend you had called Olivia" the moment he said her name my heart sunk filling my stomach with deep despair.
"She had told me that Olivia's mum had caught you both being intimate with each other" he continued,
I couldn't help but smirk, the corner of my mouth raised itself on one side not because I thought it was funny or the fact that I was happy, but for the fact that I was so stupid for not seeing this all along, mom didn't care about the fact I lost my best friend, she didn't care that I wanted to give up on everything and she didn't even notice that I never looked in a mirror because I hated the reflection that I saw, she only cared about the fact that I kissed a girl!
"Would you like to explain that to me, why you felt the need to act upon such tendencies, was it because you and your mum have been struggling to connect? you can tell me Luna I'm here to help fix you so that you can live a normal lif—"
I didn't even give him the chance to finish before I jolted to my feet and gathered enough bravery to look at him straight in the eyes and say "You're an actual piece of shit and so is my mom"
I quickly started making my way back down the long corridor towards the door, my heart was pounding and my head was becoming more internally heavy as the adrenaline started to creep in, I started to run like it was my only escape from this heaviness that I felt, I reached out and yanked the door handle open and stormed straight out of the door, however in that moment of haste I forgot that there was a step outside the door and my left ankle bent in half as I fell out the door.
For a split second the world decided to be in slow motion because I remember thinking as I was getting closer to the floor, is this what death felt like? To feel no pain? Or to feel nothing because I felt absolutely nothing as I was falling.
I felt someone wrap their arms around my shoulders to hold me up, "let go of me you stupid fake doctor lying piece of shit"
"Hey" the voice said from behind, "I'm so sorry I- I just saw that you was about to fall and I-I didn't think and just grabbed hold of you I'm so sorry", I turned my head slightly after balancing my weight on the floor despite my pulsing ankle, , I didn't look up I just looked straight down at the floor to realise this person wasn't DR homophobe but it was someone with small dainty feet wearing open toe shoes,
"I-I – I'm sorry" I muttered under my breath "I need to watch where I was going"
"Oh no it's all good don't worry about it, I kinda just well ,I don't know one minute I was walking and next I got hold of you, sorry if I scared you" I could hear in her voice that she was sincere, I could hear the compassion when she spoke, it reminded me of Olivia as she spoke with such humbleness and compassion that she could make any of your worries drift away even with just one word, my head felt less heavy now, almost like that's the reason I look down not because I want to but because of the internal weight in my head, I tilted my head up so that I could see the face of the person, she had long wavy hair which was cut into bangs at the side of her head, she had these thick shaped eyebrows but a small face and a petite body "Er- I was heading back home, do you need a ride? I could drop you back of at wherever" spoke the compassionate voice again.
"Thanks, but I'm okay" I said, the last place that I need or want to be right now is that house I share with a lying stranger.
I turned around to head in the other direction but as soon as I stuck out my once sturdy foot
In front of the other to start walking an instant shooting pain shot through my ankle and leg like I was being electrocuted and I let out this dog like yelp that was loud enough that everyone could hear.
"Here let me help you" demanded the girl from behind, she put my arm over her shoulder and held onto my wrist "come on it's okay, where do you need to be? I only parked down the street, I can give you a ride"
But I couldn't focus on the words that was being said as I was still in shock by the physical touch as it was the closest type of hug that I've felt since Olivia passed, as I dragged my feet forward wincing every time I had step on my now bent ankle, the compassionate girl who was supporting me said the words "Oh hey I'm Mya by the way Mya Waterheld" and despite being in silent I just knew I wouldn't forget these words ever.
Eventually I had no choice but to go home, to the place of hatred, to the place of lies and to the place of a broken family, "Luna where the hell have you been ! its 8pm, I was worried sick about you, I rang DR harper and he said that you had ran off', care to explain yourself young lady" I just stood there in the door way staring at a person that I no longer knew, everything about her seemed to repulse me, all this time I thought she cared but she didn't , she didn't love me and she never would, the sense of rejection engulfed my body
the words that the stranger said no longer made any sense because it was all lies,
"LUNA!" shouted the stranger, I snapped back into reality from the world of thoughts in my head.
"Are you even listening to me?"
I tilted my head towards her direction, carefully doing quick glances with my eyes to try and detect what mood she was in, if that wasn't already obvious from her tone of voice "WHAT" I demanded back "What is your problem, hoping I'd be fixed by now, well that's not happening!" I twisted my body towards the stairs to head to my room, carefully making sure that I kept my foot straight so that my ankle wouldn't twist even more, I didn't care for her opinion anymore, no one mattered, and I realised in that moment I officially had no one.
I kept repeating the same words in my head 'you have no one' 'I have no one' until it became like a record player within my head, after hopping my way up to the stairs, I finally made it to my bedroom and instantly slammed the door behind me, as a way to tell the stranger that I was angry when in reality I still felt nothing.
There was sudden knock on the door "Luna, come on tell me where you have been" said the stranger from the other side of the door,
I mean I could of said that I fell over and this girl called Mya catched me and then she offered me a ride home, but I couldn't bear to come back to you, so I lied about where I lived and made her drop me off near the Little Coffee Shop in town, then I spent the rest of the day there until it closed and then I decided I would hobble my way back home. They are the words I could of said but what's the point because she's not going to listen and it doesn't matter what she says back its just words a bunch of letters formed together to make a sound and they no longer carry any emotion, with that I closed my eyes so I could pretend that I wasn't there and just muttered back to the door "I'm going to bed, I've got that new school to attend tomorrow haven't I".
It was a rustic, large but old building and the cracks in the brick work were starting to show above the large entrance was the words 'Holy Spirit High School', great! What an actual great name I thought sarcastically, it was already bad enough that I had to wear this uniform, which was a long white sleeved shirt with a blazer and a long pencil skirt that went past the knee with tights on underneath, I'm glad that I couldn't see the colour of the uniform because seeing it in grey was bad enough , I stood there in silent just observing and looking at this unfamiliar place almost like I was relying on the broken brick work to tell me what the school is like, is it just as bad as the structure of the building or worse. This was my third school that I had been sent to since my parents split and since Olivia died, as I looked at the building I just kept thinking about how far away I was from Olivia and how every step I took closer to the building it was one step further from her, nothing filled that void within my heart no amount of birthdays presents or anything filled that void, it just sat there as this dark presence within me, I couldn't ever shake that feeling, so at some point I just accepted that I'm never going to feel anything ever again, I'm by myself, I feel nothing and I think way too much.
When I snapped back into reality from the world inside my head I didn't realise how long I'd actually been standing there, because once an empty looking building was now surrounded with people everywhere, everyone all looked the same like little uniformed ants marching in a line to get into class, everyone held these small thick books and my guess is that it's most likely the bible.
I lifted my bruised foot ensuring that I'd tread carefully so that I didn't twist It again and started making my way through all the ants, once I reached the door, I was greeted by this man which was the Principle of the school
"Hi, I'm guessing your Luna" I looked at his feet then replied with "yeah that's me"
"Great follow me and I'll introduce you to the school" spoke the principle
I followed him down a winding corridor until we reached a door that said Principles office
"Take a seat" the principle said, and it was these exact words and office environment that me of being back in DR homophobe room.
"No thanks I'm good" I muttered, I couldn't risk sitting down, I needed to be near the door so if I wanted run away I could.
"Oh okay, that's alright, so welcome to Holy Spirit High School it was founded in 1886, so it's pretty old right" he said jokingly
I already kind of figured that the building was that old from the brick works and the cracks, but I didn't say anything instead I just stared at the ground in silence,
"So I've heard that you have had a troubled past, but please don't worry because I think once you have found god he will save you from your sins and you'll be forgiven" he continued "He will guide you and take care of you, so don't worry you just haven't found him yet"
I sighed as I realised that this really is a catholic school and that there was no escaping.
"I have found someone to partner you up with, he is a really sensible student with the top grades, and I think his presence in your life will help you a lot, does that sound okay Luna?" the principle questioned.
I muttered back the words "yeah I guess"
"Great I'll just go and get him and then you can start your high school journey hear at holy spirit"
"Hey, I'm Jonas" he put his hand out to shake but I didn't shake it
"she's just a little nervous," said the principle
"yeah, that's alright, hey don't worry I was really nervous as well when I first started you'll settle in, in no time" Jonas claimed
"Right, I'll leave you both to it, if you need any help Luna you know where my office is, but I think Jonas will do a good job of looking after you"
Jonas started to walk down the winding corridor towards the doors that separated the reception to the rest of the school, I proceeded to follow behind him, as we carried on walking Jonas passed me a piece of paper,
"Hey Luna, so I printed of your timetable and Colour coded which floors the classes are on, so blue is the first floor, green is the second and pink is the third"
I looked slowly up towards him I said "Thanks but I-I actually can't see errmmm colour, I have Achromatopsia colour-blindness"
He looked back at me and jolted like he thought he did something stupid
"I'm so sorry I didn't realise, here I'll just write down next to each one the number instead" he handed back to me the now new draw on timetable with numbers everywhere.
"Anyway so your first lesson is with Mrs Nelson and its's" he lent over my shoulder and moved his finger down the timetable, he just given me almost like his brain had already forgot what he had just read,
"Oh yeah bible study that's it".
I continued to follow him down the corridor towards the room, I could sense that he didn't like the silence, so he tried making conversation '
"so, you've never seen colour like at all"
"well, I mean everyone has always described it to me as seeing greyscale" I replied back
"oh, that must suck"
"Erm well I was born with the condition so I've never seen the world any different, I only knew that it wasn't normal when my teacher used to ask me to describe the colours of the rainbow and I would say there all the same colour" as I finished that sentences we came to a sudden stop
"well, you're here outside your first class now, you'll love bible study, Mrs. Nelson is such a good teacher, I'll come meet you after your class has finished okay"
As I turned to go through the door I quickly shouted back to Jonas "okay see you then".
The class felt more modern than the building almost like I was in a different place, the walls were toweringly tall and in the centre of the class there was rows of desks with the teacher's desk directly in front of the whiteboard.
I observed the room trying to find the best place to sit, the best place to be out of the way and the place closest to the door, I sat down at a desk and instantly put my head against my hands, I've always hated new places, there's something about not knowing how things work or how people act that has always frighted me and it was always Olivia that used to get me through it, she used to explain it with her humble voice that I no longer would fear or worry the uncertain but in fact I would embrace it.
"Good morning class, so we do have a new student today her name is Luna and I hope that you all make her feel welcome"
I took my head out of my hands to acknowledge the fact that everyone all turned around to look at me once like I was a freak show, I did back a fake smile one that doesn't carry any meaning and then placed my head back resting on my hand.
In those moments I just couldn't stop thinking about Olivia, how I'd never hear her voice again, how her hands felt against mine, hear her amazing laugh and how she was no longer here.
With that I felt my body tense like I felt the need to run again, I started to chew my newly ironed blazer sleeve as a distraction but it wasn't working, nothing was working, my brain and thoughts were flying everywhere and I couldn't control them, my head was getting heavier and heavier, I was drowning in my own thoughts I couldn't concentrate, I needed to get out of this room, I couldn't handle it, it's like the realisation of Olivia's death finally sunk in and I didn't know what to do with it, I quickly jolted out my seat making such a scrapping noise that the whole class just stopped and went silent, but I didn't care to stick around to explain, I stumbled out of my seat and headed straight for the door, I ran out into the unfamiliar corridor and ran until I found the sign for the bathroom, I barged my way through the door and held my head over the sink, I felt like I was going to throw up, like all the emotions have finally joined forces to make me throw up. The tears fell out of my eyes uncontrollably, I felt my throat tense and hurt, I stood there just hoping that the earth would just somehow swallow me up and I'd never have to feel anything ever again, I want the numbness back because I couldn't handle the emotion.
That's when I heard the door open, totally forgetting that anyone could just walk in, I picked my head up and tried to wipe off the never ending tears in my eyes, I used the sleeve of my blazer to wipe my now puffy face, my eyes were even more blurry now I scrubbed them with hands to try and re gain focus and that's when a familiar voice speak,
"Oh, hey I didn't know you went here, what's the likely chance" she didn't even have to say a word for me to know who it was because her presence was just enough it was Mya, Mya Waterheld.
"What's wrong?" she asked with a concerned look, as I quickly used my hands to dry the tears on my face trying not to make it obvious that I was crying, she stepped closer to me naturally putting her arms out in a V shape "do you want a hug, you seem like you would need one"
"No thanks I'm okay" I lied, I so needed a hug right now, but I just couldn't let my guard down, I think it was obvious that I was crying as my face started to fill up with tears again,
she walked towards the row of toilet stalls behind me and creaked open one of the doors before gathering a hand full of toilet roll to pass to me,
"Here" she said as she stood behind me, she reached over to open my closed hand which was covering my eyes and placed the scrunched-up toilet roll in my now opened hand.
"To wipe the tears with" she replied with a soft gentle smile
I can't help but feel calm around her almost like there's something tying us together but I just couldn't work out what.
"Are you sure you're okay" she questioned
"yeah, I'm okay, thank you for the tissue" I replied gratefully
"No problem" she smiled
As I stepped to walk away, back to the door and the uneasy corridor, I heard her voice from behind me say "what's your name, I never caught your name"
"Oh it's Luna" I said whilst turning around to face her, she looked taken back when I said that was my name but I could never fully understand why, she gazed a smile at me said "well it's nice to meet you Luna and love your name by the way, it's quite unique I would say" "yeah I guess" I turned back around this time opening the door
"It was nice to see you again after the first time" she teasingly said
"yeah, you to".