After she stopped going to school she felt like she had calmed down a bit but she had started self harming again. One night she self harmed but it was different from other times. She wanted it to bleed a lot. She scraped and scraped at her skin and eventually there was a puddle of blood on her arm where she had cut. She quickly pulled down her sleeve and walked out the bathroom. She usually tells her mom when she self harms and tonight it was no different. Her mom said that she was getting tired of this. She expected this but it still kind of hurt that her mom said it.
They went to clean the wound and talked. You see she is a very fragile girl and needs to be handled with care. The talk didn't make her feel better it only made her feelings worse. The next day she decided to attempt suicide. She drank poison again and her mom found out. Before she attempted suicide she wrote in her diary it read, 'there was a day that messed up my whole life. That day made my life crumble. I just might break that promise. I'm sorry I tried, but something inside me just broke. That's the only way I can describe it. If I just pick it up, if I just ask for it, if I can just get the fear out of my head! Something broke and I don't know why. It frustrates me! Maybe today maybe not, but the demons are going to kill me if I don't kill them. 'Just pick it up, you're all alone, you can do it. What to do? Why haven't you killed yourself yet? Are you a coward who wants to live now? Pathetic!' Maybe I am.'
She was so done with life, but unfortunately for her, her mom found out. They argued for about 20 minutes but they were getting nowhere. She said that she attempted suicide because of a guilt she had. She was so shameful about it and thought that she wasn't pure anymore, so she needed to die. The both talked in a calmer way and decided that she would reveal the guilt, but to a certain person that was away. Her family friend. ' he would understand, after all someone he knows went through it.' She thought. Someone would think that she should say it to her therapist but her family friend is special. He makes people feel validated and valuable. She didn't want to say it to her therapist and get judged. She knew her family friend wouldn't do that to her. A day later she was in a meeting with her physiatrist and her mom said in the meeting that she would be returning to school. She immediately felt depressed. Why you might ask? She didn't feel like she belonged there. It made her feel uncomfortable. Another thing is she had a way to commit suicide. Right now while she had her cat she couldn't die. What would her cat do without her after all? She made a plan once the meeting was over. She would do anything to not got to school. Even if it meant manipulating her mom. Yes it wasn't right but she felt like she had to do it.
The dread of going to school overwhelmed her. 'What should I do if the plan doesn't work and angers her? What do I do, what do I do, what do I do!' She thought and thought but she finally decided to go through with it. However she would do it in the morning. She hoped it would work. She didn't want to be in a classroom full of kids who are mean, disrespectful and every other word that comes out of their mouth is a cure word. One kid even told her to go and die! 'Hopefully it works!'