I'll tuck away all these memories.
Even the goodbyes I never said to someplace else.
Thinking back on what went wrong.
Everything had clearly been my fault.
But I could never say the words I wanted to say.
That I have always, always been thinking about you.
Buried under countless "why"s.
I could never come up with a satisfactory answer to any of them.
The sirens of emotions won't stop wailing.
I knew, but I couldn't do anything about it.
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"On the first Sunday of April. April 3, 2021. CEO of TORy, Sato Satoshi's wife, Sato Natsumi unfortunately succumbed in her comatose after 12 years in a vegetated state. The nation of Japan mourns her pas—
"On April 4. 2021 there were 354 new cases, bringing a total of 122,710 recorded cases of COVID in Tokyo. On the other hand, only 1 death occurred that day, making a total of 1,777 COVID-19 deaths."
Turning my phone off and tucking it in my left pocket. I basked in the warm sunlight of the afternoon light on a bench in Yoyogi.
It was peaceful, to say the least.
Birds are singing. Cherry blossoms are blooming. On days like these... a kid like her... should be sitting right next to me sharing a mango mousse cake she fancies the most for her birthday.
Today is April 16. Harumi's birthday. Which is where she got her name from. Twelve days after her death. Five days after their funeral.
Currently, in Yoyogi park, I sit on a bench on my lonesome celebrating the birthday of my beloved sister. A birthday she has missed.
haha.
...
I look around and see people going round and about with their lives.
I feel the breeze rustling the trees. Carrying some of its leaves. I feel a breeze ruffling the flowers, lifting them in heaps.
I feel the sunlight and its heat. I feel the firm ground under my feet.
I feel it.
The feeling of people you love dying.
I feel it.
The feeling of loneliness filling my thoughts. Crippling my life.
I feel it.
The voice in my head telling me to finally end it.
I feel it.
Of me blaming myself for the deaths of the only two people that made my world spin.
If I hadn't called her then.
If I hadn't touched her then.
IF I HADN'T!!!!!!
I felt everything.
I feel nothing.
h ah a.
A sweet tinge of mango lingered in the air tickling my senses. I glanced at the yellow cake sitting next to me.
I stared at it.
I stared at it.
I star—
I picked up the notebook resting on my right. The turquoise notebook resting on my right. This. This is Harumi's. A nurse gave it to me saying that she had it and sometimes saw her writing in it after being hospitalized. Telling me that I should have it.
I've had this two days after she passed away, never touching it, not daring to open it. I have an idea as to what it is and was always reluctant to read it.
Harumi's Diary.
But now. I just want to get it over with.
Caressing its cover I turned it to its back and opened it. Only to see a clear page. Not knowing what I was expecting doing that, I turned it back.
Opening it, I read its contents.
--------
Sep 3, 2018
My classmates just won't shut up about a movie that premiered last Saturday and how much they wanted to watch it which made me a bit curious. Then I learned from them that it's about a girl who has the same illness as me which made me more curious to watch. So after class, me and my friends went and watched it.
It was so sad. So so sad. It was just us in a row, crying during the movie. How can she be so unfortunate?
It also made me scared. To think my illness could be that severe. So! I decided to copy her and write in a diary. Records proving that a girl named Sato Harumi with acute pancreatitis exists! HOHOHO!
Sep 5, 2018
My older brother invited me to the movies this weekend out of the blue and we're watching the same movie my friends and I watched last Monday. I could've declined his invitation but for some reason said I said yes out of impulse. It's not like I had to keep it a secret that I've already watched it, but... I don't know really.
Oh well, at least I get to watch it again.
OH!
Hehe
I'd get to see older brother cry! And since I already watched and know what was coming, I ain't crying! Which can allow me to tease him about being a crybaby without it backfiring! HOHOHO!
Sep 8, 2018
WHA—! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! I'm starting to feel guilty just thinking about teasing him for being a crybaby. SO! We went to the cinema normally. We had our snacks and drinks that could last me the whole movie, we sat on fairly distanced seats for a pleasant watching experience and got ourselves comfortable on it. I noticed that there was no one else watching with us, which was a little discomforting, but everything was normal. We waited for a bit until the movie started. The opening credits rolled in then the first scene flashed. The first scene. The very beginning. The scene with the main girl's funeral. The movie just started and I hear soft whimpering to my right. I glanced in that direction and see my older brother crying! What the hell! He was crying and the movie just started!
Throughout the whole movie, he just looked so depressed, I even started to worry. And! In the scene where the lead reads her diary, Takahiro cried! He broke down and wailed! I was thanking the gods that we were all alone. If not I would've died from embarrassment! I can tell he was trying to stop his crying when I looked at him but to no avail.
By the end of the movie I just didn't know what to say or do. Seeing older brother cry that much kinda feel bad. I even looked forward to seeing it. Not knowing what to do I just stood up and went off to the restrooms. BUT SUDDENLY! He pulled me by my right arm and took me in a hug! HE TOOK ME INTO A HUG! WHAT THE HELL! He just took me in a hug and said nothing.
He immediately pulled away and meekly apologized, avoiding my eyes. Since I still feel a bit guilty I didn't press on whatever he did and just left for the restrooms.
In a car on our way home, I asked him why he cried at the very beginning of the movie. I thought that maybe he read the source material for the movie. But no, he had a look saying 'I thought so' and just answered no.
What's up with him? Crying for no reason. Or did he just see the future and knew what will happen? AAAAGH! What a weirdo.
Nov 3, 2018
My older brother has been acting weird this past month. Maybe not weird. I mean he has always been weird. It's just that he's acting different.
Ever since we watched that movie he has become more attentive as if he was always there, it's kinda creepy. He has been more... caring? Kinder to me in general. At first, I didn't notice it. But then more days passed and his kindness became more apparent that I felt goosebumps one time.
I only became sure when he came home bringing four cups of pudding. Four! And he gave me two of them! THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT! He always treats those pudding as if it's his dearest treasure. For him to give me some of it is just wrong! It's not that sharing is wrong. It's HIM sharing that's wrong.
Whatever. I don't hate it. Actually, I like it. I wonder why she didn't want some of this special treatment. It's really nice.
Dec 4, 2018
I'm hospitalized again. I think my condition has gotten worse. The doctors haven't said anything yet, but I'm assuming it has. I feel worse after all.
It's scary. Dying is scary. More so when you know you are. I don't know what to do or think now. Even now I'm just writing what comes off the top of my head. Mindlessly scribbling on this page. The only thing that I know is that I'm scared.
HOW EMBARRASSING HOW EMBARRASSING HOW EMBARRASSING HOW EMBARRASSING! WHAT WAS HE THINKING! HOW CAN HE DO ALL THOSE THINGS! WHY DID I DO ALL THOSE THINGS?! AAAAAAKH
He came in the room sounding so grave and looking so sad when I'd already made heads and tails to my condition that one thing lead to another making me feel vulnerable and act intimate with him. It was nice and warm...
Intimate?? NICE??? WARM????!
AAAAAAAGH WHY!!!!
And we found out that I was relatively okay! All of that wouldn't have happened if he just listened! I wouldn't have done and said all those embarrassing things! WHAT DO I DO?
Dec 11, 2018
What's wrong with me? Ever since that day, I've been acting weird that even I know. My mind keeps on coming on that day I... hugged Takahiro... that I have trouble sleeping. I've also been fidgety. My body feels unruly like it doesn't respond the way I want it to sometimes. Times when I instinctually avoid Taka's eyes and I don't know why. What's happening? There's no way it's that, right?
No way. Right?
Jan 3, 2019
I fell for Taka. I can't help it. I can't control it. Now all I can do is accept it. I now understand why most of my friends prefer older boys to those our age. Everything about them is just different. But the difference between them and Taka is like heaven and earth.
No one has ever treated me the same way Taka did. And every time he's around, all I am is happy. But what do I do about it? This isn't right. We're family after all. Haa. Why does he have to be this way, really?
Jan 15, 2019
I told Taka that I love him. He just brushed it off as one of my jokes. Well, I was expecting it to happen. There is no way this is normal after all. I had to take it off my chest. The feeling just became too overwhelming for me to bear that I had to say it.
Even though I was expecting it I still feel really, really disappointed. Never once have I thought that a day would come when I will regret being his sister. I envy the girls who are brave enough to approach Taka and be accepted by him. They could both be lovey-dovey and it would be fine.
Mou!
I'll just have to... feel this way until I don't. Until Takahiro gets a girlfriend, he is all yours! So cheer up Harumi!
Jan 2, 2021
Really, why did he do that. He could've just let me be as punishment for my negligence, We went to a shrine for the new year and it got colder all of a sudden. I didn't listen to what Taka said. I was excited at the thought of going out with him for the new year that I forgot to bring anything that would make me warmer. So Taka took off his jacket, wrapped his arm around me, and had me wear his jacket even though he hates the cold. His jacket was big... warm... smells good... It was nice. hehe.
And now Taka is sick, and I feel responsible for him catching a cold. So, I'll be going to his room after I'm done writing this to wipe him with a wet towel. I remember seeing Ichika do the same thing to her ill younger sister when me and my friends went to her home for Christmas. I'm not really sure what it does but I'll do it anyway. With that, I'll be even with him.
Jan 10, 2021
I caught a cold too. Most likely because I slept right next to Takahiro when he was sick. He scolded me for doing that, and it was rightfully so. I didn't listen to sound rationale back then. The thought of sleeping next to Takahiro was just too tempting that I ended up doing it. Though I did get sick because of it, I do not regret it. Maybe a little. He may be blaming himself right now. I don't know why he always does that to things even though it isn't his fault. He is just too kind.
Feb 13, 2021
The doctors told me that the vaccines didn't work on me and they don't understand why. Me too. Why?
Mar 8, 2021
I haven't been able to write as usual as I did. I just forget about it. And there's not much I can write here in this room. It has been really boring. booooooooring. My dad and Takahiro aren't allowed to visit. I feel worse with each passing day. The vaccines don't work. It feels hopeless.
Nai
Nai
Nai
"Taka, I'm scared."
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