The moment I took a deep breath through my nose, I could sense we were in Hell. The scent of vanilla, and smoke, filled my nose. It wasn't the dungeon this time. No, this was King Lou's throne room.
"We're here, Ayda," Michael whispered, releasing me from his tight hold.
I wasn't ready for the next job and was looking forward to my stay at a sexy vampire's home.
Opening my eyes, I took in the familiar gold and black throne room and the high-back iron chair Lou sat upon with a smug look.
"I do prefer you to call ahead of time, Angel, when you plan on popping in. But, since you've brought her with you, I will forgive it this time."
I rolled my eyes at Lou, and Michael responded, "Sure, call, so I can give you a chance to be in the midst of some foreplay or orgy? Not likely, Lou. I prefer my own parties."
Lou scoffed and feigned innocence, grabbing his chest as he stood and glided down the six steps with lions on each side.
"I would never do such a thing," he said to Michael with a smirk and then turned to me, "I would, however, if our lovely Ayda asked me to," he said seductively, grabbing my hand and bringing it up to his full smiling lips, "How I've missed you! Did you have the pigeon bring you because you missed me too?"
"Ha ha, Lou, nice to see you too. Look, I don't have the patience nor the amount of sleep in me to play games with you. So why am I here protecting you as my next job?"
Lou looked confused, and I took my hand from his grip.
"What is she talking about?" he asked, looking at Michael.
The Angel next to me took a deep breath like it was going to be an exhausting explanation.
"The order came out less than 24 hours ago. Apparently, it had to do with Nybbas's escape. With the flux of demons not being tracked on their comings and goings, Heaven sees it as Lou not doing his job. So, they want him dethroned and sent to the Abyss."
Lou and I laughed. I couldn't help it. I thought it sounded crazy even to me.
"Wait, so the Almighty wants me to protect Lou from Heaven? Uh, Michael, where does that even make sense?"
"I don't ask, and he doesn't tell, Ayda. Heaven and God are separate, yet one, you know that. The Almighty is like the owner but doesn't run the place. Mostly the Archangels do, and a few subordinate ones. The bracelet, Nybbas, Heaven feels Lou is taking liberties where he shouldn't and abusing, or neglecting rather, his power as King of Hell. In the last ten years, the burning soul list has dwindled to almost half the normal yearly quota. He's not as, Hellish as he used to be, I guess, so they want to replace him."
I looked at Lou and still wanted to laugh, as severe as this was. The big bad ruler in Hell, over all demons, debauchery, lust, greed, hate, you name it, was his creation, and now, he isn't 'scary' enough for Heaven.
Lou's face dropped to an overly sad expression before he turned around. He snapped his fingers, making a tissue appear, and dabbed at his eyes. I could hear him faking a sniffle. Let the drama begin.
"It's been hard to be bad," he said in a pitiful voice, "I don't have the respect or help I used to have. Quotas to meet, monthly horned head counts, dream appearances, worshipping hours, and pacts in exchange for crappy souls. I'm only one Devil!"
Michael and I gave each other a look, and I stepped forward, giving Lou a reassuring pat on his shoulder. He wasn't as scary as he should be, and when the whole Nybbas thing happened, if Lou had tried, he could have solved it in a matter of minutes. I knew it but never said it.
"Look on the bright side Lou," Michael started to say, "Ayda's here, so Heaven won't mess with you for the time being because the Almighty has her back. So if you can get back that whip of fear and attitude of nastiness, bring this place back to its usual glory of fire and domination, Heaven will probably withdraw the hit on you."
I looked at Michael, "Hit? You didn't say there was a definite hit out for him!"
Michael shrugged, "Well, it's more like they employed an auditor for checks and balances. I don't know who it is yet, but they will have the power to remove Lou if they get close enough and see he isn't living up to Heaven's standards. For light to exist, there has to be darkness. The balance needs to be reasonable, that I can't argue with."
Until Michael said it, I didn't know Lou was having such a tough time keeping Hell, well, Hell.
"Don't possess, don't whisper, don't seduce. They are always telling me DON'T. When I do, they threaten me with war, kill my demons, and make my worshippers take the path of the goody two shoes. I'm being pulled from both directions, WAHHH.."
Lou started to sob dramatically, and I couldn't handle the noise, "Stop fake crying. It's annoying. We will get it figured out."
I found it amusing that the Devil was sobbing, but at the same time, I knew what he was truly capable of. I didn't want to see him being in trouble as sweet revenge, but I still felt a bit of resentment from the whole torture in the dungeon thing.
I took my eyes off Lou and turned to Michael, "So how long do I have before I can expect this 'Auditor' from Heaven?"
Michael thought for a moment and responded, "A month, maybe?"
"A month! Am I expected to help him in only a month? That's not in my job description, Michael. I'm supposed to die so Others, people, can live. Instead, I will be here in Hell babysitting him and ensuring he does his job, right? I know nothing about this place, nor am I all for what goes on here. Seriously, I think the Almighty and I need a word, face to face."
Michael blew me off when Lou suddenly turned, dabbing his dry eyes, "I think she should just stay here to be the Queen. You know, in the human world, the wife runs the country. I could tell her what to do, and she can do it."
I wanted to smack him, "Are you out of your mind? This is serious, Lou. I don't agree with what you do or try to do or don't try to do. But Michael is right. There has to be some sort of balance in the world. So if you aren't helping on your end, what's the point of there even being a Hell?"
I couldn't believe what I was saying. However, it wasn't like I was telling Lou to go out and kill someone.
"Ayda's correct, so unless you fancy being glittery dust on the floor of the Abyss, I'd suggest you start with the burning soul list. The Almighty has given you free passage between Hell and Earth, for now, seeing you don't abuse it. Ayda can also help you gather the souls, but" Michael's voice got more profound. He leaned close to Lou's face, "If at any moment, a single hair falls from her head unnaturally, you will find it is me you have to worry about, not some random Angel holding a clipboard."
Since when did I go from being a bodyguard to a circus trainer?
Lou didn't back down and responded, "Only thing unnatural to touch her would be me, and I wouldn't be touching just her hair."
Lou changes like two sides of a coin, and occasionally I get to see his real side.
"Alright, enough. I'm tired and need sleep before we get started on this. Where am I sleeping, Lou?"
I wasn't done being pissed about this and planned on finding a way out of this job, and if the Almighty thinks I'm suitable for teaching an old dog new tricks, he's gone senile.