"After that whole inspection, they didn't turn up one person who used their ODM gear without permission. So who could have done it?" Gunthers question was only partially rhetorical as he looked at Eld while he sipped his drink. Neither of them would have any reason to know anything more than the basic gossip that had been spread around by the odd messenger or supply caravan that had visited the castle since their arrival.
The only person who might have known more was Hange, and she hadn't come to visit since her test subjects had been killed. She had spearheaded the investigation, but if she'd learned anything, she wasn't sharing.
"Must have been someone who hated the Titans. Gone rogue, decided to deal with the two of them themselves." Petra's voice sounded from the back of the stables, where she was bust shovelling away waste as part of her continued punishment from Captain Levi. She hadn't shared what had happened, and the rest were polite enough not to ask, though many had noticed the way she and Gohan had stopped their private conversations they seemed to always have.
"You guys remember what it looked like when we came back to Trost though? So many dead, maybe someone took the gear from a friend who died, then did it for revenge?" She had been guessing, but she was reasonably sure it was possible. "With all the destruction and dead, gear always seems to disappear. Though if it was someone so emotional, they've done a good job of hiding it. Not something you might expect from a person who isn't thinking clearly." She stepped outside to wipe the sweat from her brow and get some fresh air. "Eld, any ideas?"
"Beats me. Right now I'm more concerned with the recruitment drive tonight. How many cadets are crazy enough to join the regiment with the highest casualties?" Eld turned to look at Petra who had paused in the middle of stretching out her back to frown at her comrade's question. "Like you said, we all saw what was left of Trost when we got back, and so did the cadets. How many would still be willing to charge out into the unknown now that they've seen what it's like?"
"Hey Rico, Mitabi, what do you think?" Gunther called out to the two garrison soldiers, who were stood talking with Eren and Mikasa by the horses about something that the scouts couldn't make out. "Lets say you were recruits, what would you pick after Trost?"
"Garrison, obviously." Rico's response was dismissive, seeming a bit annoyed by the disruption to her conversation. But it was Mitabi who paused to think.
"Garrison for me, but I don't know about the others. They might want to go to the scouts?"
"Really?" Rico rounded on him with a disbelieving expression. "Why would someone go through all of that, and then not join us or the MP's?"
"Well" Mitabi said simply, "because of him." He pointed off into the distance, where Gohan could be seen having a detailed discussion with Caven and Kuno. The two MP's had been as sociable as expected, and practically refused all conversation with the rest of the team, but were incredibly dutiful students of Gohans teachings.
"You think the recruits will join the scouts just to follow Gohan?" Gunther asked in disbelief.
"You didn't see what it was like in Trost before all of you arrived." Mitabi continued. "Morale was low, people were scared, but everywhere you went you could hear a hushed word or two about the 'Angel of Trost'." Rico snorted at the nickname, and Mitabi himself almost rolled his eyes at it all. "Not just in the military, but all the locals too. I've never seen anything like it. Was he like that in training?"
He turned to Eren and Mikasa, the former answering first. "Nobody thought he was an angel or anything, but everyone knew he was the best of us, and by a lot. He was kind too, inspired confidence in people. Nobody could ever have a bad thing to say about him. I think Mina had a crush on him."
Mikasa nodded in agreement. "She did, or still does. Sasha too. I think some others also liked him, but I don't think he ever noticed."
Eren laughed, with Mikasa chuckling along with a few of the others. Rico tittered in agreement "yeah, boys can never tell."
"FALL IN!" Captain Levi's voice sounded out loud enough to snap them all to attention, and catch the ears of Gohan and the MP's who hurriedly made their way over. "Make ready people, we're going on patrol."
"Yes sir!" Sounded off the scouts, having quickly stood in salute.
Captain Levi then turned to the rest of them. "Brzenska, Jarnach, the graduation ceremony is tonight and Commander Erwin has requested Gohan's presence there. From what I understand he'll have some overnight work as well. Up to you if you want to head out now or later, but training's finished for today, it'll resume tomorrow."
"We'll grab our things and head back first, our reports will take a while." Rico answered for the both of them.
"Fair enough, same goes for you two." Captain Levi continued as he turned to the MP's who had arrived in line with Gohan, "leave later or leave now."
"We'll go." Caven's answer was short and precise, as was her habit.
Captain Levi nodded an acknowledgement he didn't feel, happy to see the MP's gone from his team with no more distractions or aggravations either needed or wanted. "Son, you'll be heading back to the training grounds, Petra will show you the way."
"Yes sir." The young half-breeds voice had lost much of his usual goofiness, instead being replaced by a clearly forced level of discipline that the others were unsure of, it was that same level of discipline that kept him from glancing over at Petra. Captain Levi however, had no complaints, and so he turned to the other key responsibility of his.
"Eren, you will stay within 10 metres of me at all times. The only reason that you're out of your cell, is that I'm keeping an eye on you. Understood?"
"Yes sir." To his side, Mikasa hid her frown. She still didn't like the captain much, especially with the attitude he perpetually had towards Eren. But she held herself in check for him.
"Let's ride."
With a snap of the reigns, the Captain turned around on his whinnying horse, and moved into position for the others to mount up and fall in. When they had all moved into formation, they wasted no time before they sped off, Captain Levi quizzing Eren and Mikasa about procedures, formations, and what responses were needed when told certain orders.
As they watched them leave, Gohan and Petra mounted their own rides and made to move. Until it was, that Petra stopped, and turned back to look at her companion.
"You've been avoiding me."
He paused and gulped nervously. He didn't look away though, instead taking a deep breath and answering. "I have."
"Why?"
At that, Gohan did finally look away. Not out of nervousness, or shame, but simply to try and once more clear his head, as the same question had been rolling around in his own head for quite some time. So, he gave her the same answer he'd been trying to convince himself of.
"I need to focus on my duty. My loyalty as a soldier. I can't do that if I'm distracted, or un-focused. I can't afford to be letting others down, I have to-…" He cut himself off. He had to what? He didn't know really, he didn't know what to do.
For a while, Petra was silent, watching him. Her eyes were studying him, but he didn't know what they could read, save for her eyes. When he looked into them, he could make out a mix of emotions, but the one which stood out the most to him was clear. Pity.
"Maybe one day you'll believe that Gohan." She finally said, her tone soft and sad. "Or maybe you'll finally find the actual answer. I hope you do." With a kick of her heels, her horse moved, and after a few moments of stunned silence, Gohan followed.
In the grounds of the cadet's graduation ceremony, many different people were milling around in their own small groups, muttering to themselves or each other over their decision of which regiment to join. One group stood out as the largest, with many of the 104th cadets stood by each other all being familiar with each other.
Annie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Armin, Mina, Milieus, Hannah, Franz, Christa, Ymir, Connie, and Sasha all stood near each other in silence. Each of them pondering one of the biggest decisions of their lives. Many had already determined what they would do, but others were still having second doubts. So lost in their own thoughts were they, that few noticed the arrival of Jean until he was almost right in front of them.
"Jean, you're really set on the scouts?" Armin couldn't believe it, not after he'd stated so many times about joining the Military Police, and especially not after seeing how close he and Marco had been.
"Yeah." He said simply, a sense of weariness in his voice, he'd doubtlessly been up all night considering his choice.
"Woah are you serious?" Sasha was as shocked as the rest of them, however it was clear her response was one more personal, and drew the looks of the rest of the group. "I mean, aren't you terrified?"
"Huh? Of course I'm scared, I'm not an idiot here." He tilted his head and looked at them like they were morons.
"Uh, then why are you-"
"Because I am scared of the Titans," Jean cut off Connie's question quickly, "and I want to do something about it. But listen, I understand that joining the scouts isn't for everyone, I won't guilt trip you, not like a certain suicidal maniac."
"I just think he doesn't want to admit that Gohan's been rubbing off on him." Hannah added in, getting a few dry chuckles from some.
"He has that affect, doesn't he?" Mina's question was rhetorical, though she looked at Milieus in confirmation who gave it.
"If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here." Milieus and Mina both looked down in thanks of him.
"Nor me." Added Mina.
"Or me." Sasha's was quiet as she remembered that moment where he'd saved her life.
"Me either." Franz looked down and squeezed Hannah's hand tightly, which she gladly returned. With a stark reminder of their mortality, the two had stopped holding up any pretence of not being in a relationship.
"Not all of us were so lucky though." Milieus continued. "Last I heard, Nack is never going to walk again."
"I saw him when he was brought through the gate." Reiner added in, surprising many with his input. "With the state he was in, I didn't think he would live. Tough guy I'll give him that, never would have thought it during training though."
"I guess when it comes down to it, people can surprise you with who they really are." Armin's response was rather casual, but he didn't fail to notice the way Bertholdt suddenly looked uncomfortable.
"Speaking of, how did Marco take it?" Asked Mina, noticing Jean suddenly look uncomfortable. "He must have thought you two would be serving the king side by side."
"Yeah well, that's for Marco to choose. Like I said, this isn't for everyone, and I think Marco knew that. He'll be okay though, probably make officer in no time."
"Cadets! Fall in!" The shout came from one of the officers in the grounds, who pointed towards the stage. "Head over to the platform, time to make your choice. Move it!"
Jean turned back to look at them one last time. "At the end of the day, there's nothing anyone could say to persuade you into risking your life. Same goes for me, so believe me when I say this decision is all mine."
With that, he turned and walked away, leaving them to their own thoughts and decisions.
When night fell, the lit torches around the stage surrounded the group of cadets who stood ready and waiting before Commander Erwin Smith. Alone on the platform, he did not command a mighty presence, but his stature was firm and solid, unwavering and with no hesitation as he addressed his potential new soldiers.
"Good evening, I am Erwin Smith. Commander of the Survey Corps, also known as the Scout Regiment. Today you will choose your regiment. Let's cut to the chase here, the Scouts need you, we need all the warm bodies we can get. After the recent Titan attack, you now know the horrors of which they are first capable, as well as the limits of your own skill. However, this battles aftermath gave humanity a new chance for victory. I refer to Eren Jaeger. After selflessly risking life and limb, he has proven beyond a doubt his unwavering loyalty to our cause. Hope lives in him. Eren didn't just help to deter the Titan invasion, he has offered us a means to discern the truth of their origin."
Gasps went up amongst the cadets. The possibility of an answer to the question everyone had asked was an idea that shook near everyone to their core. For so many years, there wasn't a person from the walls that didn't wonder why. Why had the Titans come into existence, why did they hate humanity?
"Intel suggests that the cellar of Jaegers home in Shiganshina holds a vital secret regarding our enemy. We will form an expedition to find this secret. Find it, and use it to break free from the Titans tyrannical hundred-year reign once and for all."
The hushed whispers continued, as more and more started to believe there was a chance for an answer, or even a solution to the Titan threat.
"The cellar huh." Reiner muttered to himself next to Bertholdt.
"Things have progressed this far?" Came a whisper from the crowd.
"If we can figure out what makes them tick, we can hit them where it hurts!" One cadet said, a rising eagerness in his voice.
'I know the scouts desperately need recruits but going public with this is out of line.' Armin couldn't help but wonder to himself. 'Maybe it's a ploy, a covert strategy? Question is, if he's baited the hook, who does he intend to catch?'
As he watched, the commanders' eyes roamed over the group of Cadets, his eyes unreadable, but focused intently. "Before we can reach the aforementioned cellar in Shiganshina, another problem must be dealt with."
To the side, Petra heard her cue and stepped forward with her rolled up map. Out of sight but in attendance were Gohan, Darius Baer Walbrunn, Dieter Ness, Hange Zoe, and Mike Zacharias, who joined Petra in stepping out onto the stage. Gohan stood alongside them quietly, listening intently as like the cadets, this was the first he'd heard of the formulated plan.
"We must first re-take Wall Maria. Of course, this is much easier said than done." Petra and Mike unfurled the map to show the new route from the Wall Rose to Shiganshina. "Now that the gate at Trost has been rendered inaccessible, we'll be forced to stage future operations from the Karanes district further east. Thus the battalion route we've spent the last four years establishing is now completely useless to us. Over the course of those four years we've incurred losses in excess of 60%. 60% in four years. That's a horrifying figure."
Gohan's eyes widened in horror. So many dead people, all those lives lost to the monsters that roamed between the walls, and now so much of it for naught thanks to Trost becoming blocked. He noticed the way Petra dipped her head, and knew she was remembering all those who she must have no doubt known that perished.
"We will conduct a recon mission outside the walls, recruits from amongst your ranks will be expected to take part. I estimate a third of them will die. After four years, most will be dead. But those who endure will be amongst the most capable soldiers alive."
'I won't let that happen' Gohan thought to himself. He would find a way to keep them safe. Somehow, some way.
"Now having heard this dismal state of affairs, whoever still wishes to put their life on the line and join us, remain here. But first ask yourself, can you give your heart, can you give everything for humanity!?" He looked out amongst the sea of young cadets, and saw them wavering, suddenly filled with doubts. "That is all. Those wanting to join other regiments are dismissed."
Gohan turned his head to the others standing by him, seeing some of them look just as concerned over the commanders less than inspiring speech. He hesitated to ask, before noticing Darius step forwards.
"Commander, I think that you may have overly intimidated the cadet's sir, none of them are gonna stick around."
True enough, Gohan could make out some of the cadets turn to leave, followed by more and more. Among them, he noticed Annie turn and leave without a word. His eyes searched out the others, trying to see what all of them would do.
Jean looked frozen in place, like he wanted to leave but couldn't do it. The same went for Sasha and Connie, both terrified and yet motionless. Armin was by himself, but he was resolute, locked in place without a doubt, only watching in disappointment as so many others left.
'Why am I here.' Mina thought to herself, watching the crowd part around her. 'I'm not strong enough for this. I should be dead already…' From the corner of her eyes, she saw Milieus falter, then turn around in shame and join the crowd. 'I could die in the very next mission. So why am I here? Because of a stupid crush!?'
She looked up at the stage, seeing just enough of Gohan to know he was there, watching as the crowd left. He didn't see her, he never had seen her the way she had wanted him to. But it was in that moment an answer came to her.
'I'm here, because I want to be like him.' Her crush had transformed after Trost, going from more than just those butterflies in her stomach to something greater. He was inspiring. His strength, his will, his courage… She wanted that. She wanted to be that person.
Hanna's hand gripped Franz's tightly. The two had talked long and hard about their decision before coming here, and had agreed that whatever their choice they would do it together. Like Mina, they both owed their lives to Gohan. They wanted to repay him, but that wasn't why they were here.
They had seen what the Titans were like, almost lost their lives to the monsters. It chilled them both to their core, and yet… they stayed. To join the Garrison, to hide in the walls, it wouldn't change anything. The creatures would come for them. The walls would be breached again. There was no going back from having their eyes opened as they had.
So, they held each other's hand, tears dripping from their eyes, and stayed in place.
When the last ones had left, barely any seemed remaining. The once filled courtyard, now almost entirely deserted. But those who stayed, stood at attention with determination in their hearts.
"I ask you, if you were ordered to die, could you do it?"
"We don't want to die, sir!" Erwin couldn't help but smile at Jean's outburst.
"Of course. Let us hope that you don't then. You who stayed, you're now one of us. Allow me to welcome you to the Scout Regiment. This is a genuine salute soldiers, together we give our heart!"
He thrust his arms into a salute, fist over his chest proudly, and the Cadets followed with an unwavering determination. "Sir!" Their voices rang out proudly, even as they muttered amongst themselves about how stupid they were. Already, their fears threatened to grab a hold of them, but not a one of them broke.
"Those of you standing here have worked through your fear, you have proven yourselves courageous. Each one of you has my respect."
With the ceremony now officially concluded, Erwin turned back towards the group just out of sight on the stage, and handed off over to Darius, who took the commanders place and began to explain any of the remaining fine details. When Erwin came over, he immediately offered his hand to Gohan.
"Cadet Son, I have heard great things about your performance in teaching the men. Your skills are incredible, and you have my gratitude."
Awkwardly, Gohan accepted his hand with a blush and shook it politely. "Thank you, sir. I'm just doing my duty."
"Indeed." He nodded to Hange, and the group began to walk away, following her lead to one of the office buildings. "You make humanity proud with your service. But I don't want your strength at killing Titans for the expedition."
"You don't sir?" Gohan was rather shocked to hear it, given he was sure that was his greatest ability.
"No. I want you with me, near the front. From what I've been told, your ability to sense the Titans is leagues above the others, is that true?" The man eyed him, as if he could almost see through him.
"The others are very talented sir, I'm sure they'll catch up in no time."
"Humbleness is an admirable quality Son, but so is honesty." He placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Speak frankly Son."
He gulped. "Yes sir, I am the best sir."
"Good." He smiled and returned to following Hange and the others. "I need you with me, acting as a scout by sensing the location of the Titans as we move. Numbers, direction, which way they're travelling, those in front and all around us. Can you do that for me Son?"
He thought about it. While he could sense Titans no problem, the issue was range. He didn't have experience with the scouts' formations, so he didn't know how big of a range he would need to cover just for the people alone, let alone pushing it further beyond to try and alert of any Titan positions before hand with enough time to adjust.
"I'm not sure sir. I don't have the experience with the Scouts to make an accurate assessment."
Erwin nodded, seeming nonplussed. "What can you assure me?"
"Frontal warnings sir, any clusters in our path I'll be able to tell with enough time for a change of plan." The commander nodded in satisfaction, and so Gohan continued. "I can perhaps monitor the status of the formation as a whole, let you know how people are faring."
He could tell when people were dying. He grimaced at the idea, at having to feel as each person's Ki was snuffed out, all the while at such a distance that he couldn't do anything to help. With all his attention on his Ki sensing though, perhaps he could do enough to warn them in advance.
"That would be enough." As they came to a building that Gohan didn't recognise, the men standing guard opened up the doors for them without a word. "With the methods you've taught us, we'll be able to pass these skills in time down to every member of the Scout regiment. Long range scouting made safer, no risk of soldiers being split from the group, not to mention all their enhanced abilities. Stronger, faster, greater reflexes, your techniques will revolutionise the entire military."
He said it all with a sense of pride, and almost eagerness that Gohan could only imagine at being able to fully comprehend. For a man who had spent so long and lost so many men in an attempt to fight back against such seemingly overwhelming creatures, Gohans' knowledge must have felt like a gift from the heavens themselves.
When they entered one room, Gohan could immediately tell he would be spending a fair amount of time there. It was filled to the brim with maps, diagrams, charts, procedures, everything he imagined that command needed to plan their operations.
"We have one more month until the expedition. When we're a week away, we're going to transfer you out of Levi's squad and have you working here. Son, Hange will be working with you to finalise the plans for our excursion. Teaching you about the formation, our signals, and trying to devise ways we can expand our communications using your skills."
The woman in question immediately pulled out a small folder and handed them over to him. "We'll go over the existing methods first. If we need to expand, then we'll be keeping these procedures in mind. Can't be too detailed, or it'll get confusing to introduce so soon before the expedition. That's why we're gonna need to test out a few things. Ranges, numbers, and so on." Gohan had been a little unsure when he'd seen Hange acting so seriously, until she once again fixed him with her manic and excited gaze. "The scientific process Gohan. Repeated to trials to verify results. We're gonna have so much fun!"
With her infectious energy, he too smiled.
Caven and Kuno walked in silence through after they had left the Military Police headquarters. Their briefing handed off to Nile Dawk and left for him to review, they were now off to deliver their true report to their real commanders. Their stroll through the capital's streets drew no unusual attention, save for the occasional civilian who was wise enough to move out of sight and stay that way.
It wasn't until they drew close to a rather fancy looking restaurant, that they could feel eyes watching them. They felt no worry however, as they looked up to meet the careful gaze of their comrades in the anti-personnel control squad, along with a few members of other private security teams their commander had working for him.
None troubled them as they walked inside without a word, nor as they made their way over to the table of the only two men in sight of the completely empty restaurant. Idly, Caven wondered if Rod Reiss had booked out the entire place, or if Kenny had made them all leave. The result was the same, complete safety from any prying eyes.
"You were meant to be gone for longer, what happened?" Rod Reiss wasted no time in asking, though Kenny seemed to content to continue enjoying his meal, a juicy piece of steak dripping from his fork before he lazily popped it in his mouth.
"Commander Erwin had a last minute extra assignment for Gohan Son for something, no details as to what. He'll be back to work with us tomorrow." Caven took the lead in delivering the report, as she and Kuno took seats opposite them.
"Did they become suspicious of the two of you?" Rod's eyes bore into her, though she felt no concern.
"No sir, I believe it was unrelated to us." Rod looked uncertain, before being startled as Kenny slapped a hand on the table.
"Either way, did you learn what you needed to? Is it all true?" His tone seemed impatient to those who didn't know him, but Caven could detect the hidden level of excitement bubbling underneath.
With a smile, she held up her hand, forming a small orb of glowing light in her hand. "It's true sir, and it's more impressive than we ever imagined."
Rod and Kenny both leaned in with amazement, Rods with wonder, and Kenny… he held a wild grin as he gazed upon it. A grin which didn't hesitate before breaking out into bloodthirsty laughter in celebration.
"Amazing! The possibilities with this will be endless."
"Settle down Kenny." The man in question didn't take kindly to being talked down to, but it was clear that Rod was a little unsettled as well as amazed, so he let it slide. "This is impressive, but it means little in the grand scope of things. Not while we still have the most important power in our corner. This, it will mean nothing in the face of the founder."
Weeks had passed. Gohan had returned to the squad to continue his teaching, and they had all continued to grow. When his stay with them came to a close, he had said his farewells and received their thanks for his tutelage, then travelled with Hange to a separate command headquarters.
As the days there passed by, final preparations continued for all parts of the regiment. For the new recruits, they were taught the more fine points of Commander Erwin's long range scout formation, while Gohan worked together with Hange to test the limits of his Ki sensing.
Day after day, the methods were similar but became more and more elaborate. The first day had them simply standing in an open field, with one man riding away until Gohan couldn't sense him anymore, at which point he would fire up a flare in the air to signal the man to return. Timing how long the man had been riding for, as well as how long he took to return gave Hange a rough estimate for distance.
They repeated that test several times to gain an accurate baseline, before they added in other factors. Two men travelling in opposite directions, then four, then six, having all men ride out then change directions and having Gohan verify them all. They travelled to villages and the district towns, then had him track as many people as he could. Rather fortunately, he did have enough range to cover the scout formation, as well as a buffer to locate other Titans, but it was closer than Gohan wanted.
None of it was enough for him. He wanted more, needed to be able to give more.
But he couldn't.
Each night after training, he had gone out in secret. The few times he had been asked, he'd claimed it was for fresh air and to meditate. But that hadn't been why he'd travelled so far away each night that no-one would be able to hear him.
"HAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Wind billowed around his body. Loose leaves and clumps of dirt swirled through the air around him, a far cry from the once literal earth shattering power he had commanded. As he threw himself into his powering up, he felt that familiar ceiling approach. He slammed into it with all of his strength, calling on those feelings of unleashing his power to drive him past.
His body ached, the muscles tightened, and his very bones began to shake as if he was going to rip himself apart. Still, he held it. His cries of anger and rage, at himself and so many things, shifted into that of pain and agony.
He clawed at that wall, desperately trying to find a way through before he destroyed himself. 'Please' he begged, to anyone that could help him, anyone that would listen. 'Please, let me out of this cage. Let me help them.'
His tears streamed down his face, blending in with the blood that dripped from his nose and lips. The wall, it was too much!
He dropped to his knees and vomited. Blood mixed in, and he heaved before spitting out even more. Almost choking on his own puke, he coughed up everything before he broke down completely into sobs.
Why?
Why couldn't he do it?
The power had been there, he knew it!
But ever since he'd arrived, it had been held away from him. Kept locked away somewhere, somehow, all the while so many people were counting on him. Every day he failed to get back his strength, was another day he failed to keep people safe.
Another day that people suffered and died.
All because of his weakness and failure.
"Mom… Dad…" He pleaded, wishing that they would hear him. "I miss you both so much. Please…" The sobs broke free again, and he cried out until his lungs were raw.
But it all did nothing. For no matter how much he begged, cried, or roared with anger, he was in the end still alone in the field. Without his power, and without his family. Alone.
In a house on its own, a woman stared at the picture on her shelf and cried. She had cried in some form nearly day since he'd been gone, since this cruel world had taken her son away. But for all the years she had cried, the world never returned her boy, and as guilty as it made her feel, there were some days the tears didn't come. Life was not easier, she had not accepted his emptiness from their home. But she had perhaps become tired. Perhaps she was beginning to run out of tears to cry, as year after year she cried for him less and less.
She felt his absence forever, as she did the guilt. It was the one feeling that would never leaver her. A hand laid itself gently on her shoulder, and she felt the warmth of her husband. She hadn't realised he'd returned, blind to the world outside of her baby boy.
"Chi Chi, you need to eat something."
The bowl of rice was set down next to her, but she looked at it with nothing but disdain.
"Goku, did you hear anything?" She asked, even as she knew the answer. It was the same answer she had heard every time he came back. The same answer she'd heard for so many years now.
"Nothing." His own voice was just as hollow as her own. The most powerful man she'd ever known, a man who had beaten every monster thrown his way and for whom not even death could stop him. But just as she, he was powerless. "Nothing from Shenron, and nothing from King Kai."
Yet again, she wanted to weep. Her body shook, but no more tears could come. She had cried for so many days, but her body was giving up, unable to let her release that pain again.
"The Ox King is coming by later." He continued on, the routine familiar to them both. "Goten and Trunks are coming to have a sleepover and camp outside." It was the best Goku and found himself able to do, to give Chi Chi something to do. Something to keep her moving day after day.
Because that's what life did. It kept on moving, pulling her along each day she found the strength to not give up completely. That strength had come only from her husband, and their second child together. Her will to live was so weak, a thousand thoughts forever in her mind that cursed her as a failed mother.
Had she not been blessed with Goten, she didn't know how she would have survived so long as she had. They had almost lost him as well in her grief, but he had eventually been born another healthy baby boy. One with no older brother to watch over him, and support him like Gohan would. Not for the first time she felt such regret at how she had raised her boy, striving so hard to push him into a decent career, to be a man of intelligence rather than violence. Had she taken his childhood away from him for the sake of a dream that would never come true, one that hadn't even been his?
She had at least vowed to never do the same to Goten. When she had the strength to raise him like a mother, she did her best to raise him more fairly. He trained, he played, he had friends. Not just Trunks, but others in the school he went to in West City, children his own age. And then there was his big sister, Videl. The daughter of the fool that had tried to fight Cell, she had come searching for them a few short years ago, in part wanting to pay her respects to Gohan's grave, and to seek training of her own. Goku had obliged, and she had become his student. In time, she had become like another sibling to Goten, a big sister to guide him more wisely than Trunks.
Perhaps it had been his own way of remembering his time with their son, his own way of dealing with his grief. They had never hidden it from each other, when they had cried over their boy, but Goku's grief was different. His guilt, so much more powerful than her own. He had sent their boy against Cell, it was he that sent him to a fight he would never return from.
Wordlessly, she reached out and pulled the bowl of rice over to her. It tasted like ash in her mouth, but she ate anyway. She had enough strength to continue, to keep doing enough to wake up the next day. Enough to keep going for her hope, the hope that one day, she would see Gohan again.