"She could read his eyes and decipher his soul,
And understand his silences better than her own."
******************
Love.
A feeling so intense, so deep, beyond the understanding of common men, often considered a myth by those who weren't fortunate enough to have experienced it and a never-ending mystery that no man could uncover.
Neither could Meera. It intrigued her and one day she divulged in this topic.
"Ma, what is love?"
Meera asked her mother one night while getting her hair oiled. Surely she'd know.
"Why the sudden question, darling?" Meera shrugged, not certain how to respond, that the arrival of a certain dark haired boy with sharp grey eyes was making her question everything.
"Just curious."
Her mother with a vague sigh and with a faraway look, she mused. "Love is- well," she paused and appeared conflicted. "There's no definite answer to that question. Everyone has their own theory of it's supposed to be." Meera's sullen face was not hidden to her and the gentle tilt of her lips acted like a soothing balm as she left the question unanswered.
"How will I ever know then, if I can't perceive what I'm looking for?"
"When the time comes, you will. Till then, I don't want you to get mislead by my definition." The glimmer in those experienced hazel eyes dimmed as her soft and steady fingers caressed Meera's face, smoothening away the creases on her forehead.
"I want you to find your own."
She did want to experience it at least once in her lifetime.
Though it took her a while to see that the person she wanted to experience it with was with her all along.
She just didn't realise her simple wish would end up complicating everything.
**********
Present
"I did promise you."
Meera was still getting used to having him near her. They were drawn closer to each other that she could feel the fabric of his suit brush against her bare arms. Their fingers touched each other in the briefest of touches.
So, she didn't notice the new arrival on the stairs, nor did she notice Dev's almost panicked gaze pointed behind her.
"Good to know you keep someone's promises."
Meera stilled and looked back. Ayaansh sauntered towards them with a derisive grin on his unusually blank face.
Bruno was the first to rush to his side as Ayaansh knelt down to reach him, showering him with wet licks to show how much he'd missed his second owner.
Bruno had been a little over two weeks, left on the streets, dirty and bruised when Dev and Ayaansh had adopted him together.
Though they had raised him together, it was pretty clear who Bruno loved the most. For him, it was always Dev first and then everyone else. But Ayaansh wasn't jealous. Who was he to complain when he would do the same.
"You're the only one who missed me, huh?" Ayaansh sent a scorned look towards Dev who was still standing closely beside Meera, who didn't even bother visiting his best friend. She removed her hand away, instantly missing the fingers that touched hers.
His dark brown eyes shifted back to the dog who snuggled against him. "You're forgiven."
Dev realised his mistake sooner than Meera and approached the man who was now standing, his black shirt a mess with golden fur.
"I missed you too."
Ayaansh snorted but still didn't look at his friend, letting Dev know just how pissed he was.
"You're angry." Dev stated and Ayaansh had the urge to scoff. The nerve.
"Oh, you noticed?" Ayaansh asked sardonically. "Of course, I'm bloody angry, you asshole!" he roared. "You just left," and then his voice came down a notch when he mumbled, "and I didn't even know if you were coming back."
Meera understood his anger then.
Her brother had his own set of insecurities. Dev leaving had probably triggered them.
Dev realised it too. His shoulders hunched as guilt seeped in.
"But I'm back now." He comforted the Ayaansh and moved towards him but the miffed boy stepped back.
"Not for me, apparently," Ayaansh snipped and glared at her with thinly veiled contempt, who slowly shifted away from Dev.
"I didn't mean it like that." Dev pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry." He apologised and moved ahead towards the angry boy who was still huffing and puffing but it was nothing Dev hadn't handled before. He tugged the boy towards him wrapping his arms around Ayaansh. Dev instantly felt his anger simmer down and the young man clung to him tightly as if afraid to let go.
Dev and Ayaansh were two sides of the same coin, so similar, yet so different. But their differences only made them closer. There was probably no one who could understand Ayaansh better than Dev. He had accepted each of Ayaansh's flaws and had turned them into his strengths. Their friendship surpassed the level of worldly bonds.
Meera feared what happened six weeks ago would put a strain on it. But she wanted to be a little selfish this once and put herself first.
She stood back watching everything quietly as Ayaansh talked and Dev listened intently, almost forgetting she was there.
"Why did you leave?"
The question caught her attention.
Meera watched as Dev took his time struggling to find the words to answer Ayaansh's question. His body language showed that he was stressed.
Normally Meera could read his emotions through his eyes but today they had decided to shut her out. They were less expressive, almost blank but had a faint glimmer, still.
She waited with baited breath for his reply. Her heart thumping loudly in her ears in anticipation. But curiosity killed the cat- her
When it was time for him to respond, he looked at her.
It was a quick glance but was enough for her conscious was tormented by the distress that had marred his countenance. Transient mist had settled upon his silvers clouding them black. It was so brief that she couldn't comprehend before his eyes had settled into a vacant stare.
Flashes went off in her head. Her body, became taut in dread as her breath hitched.
She didn't hear what Dev told to Ayaansh next; probably an excuse that he'd come up with.
It didn't matter because she had her answer.
Her mind had gone blank for a second before it started working. And it struck her that she had known it all along,
Because the answer was her.
Meera wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
She was the reason he left.
It was a brief moment before he looked away. Ayaansh must've sensed her presence as he peaked at her and pursed his lips.
"Let's to to my room," Ayaansh said, nodding to Dev before turning on his heels.
Dev started to follow before he paused. He glanced at her, with his hand in his pocket and hesitated. "You wanted to say something? Before Ayaansh came."
Meera clenched her dress. Of course he had heard her. Always the attentive one. Any other day she would've found this quality charming but not today.
She lowered her eyes and shook her head. "Nothing."
That entire night she couldn't sleep, tossing and turning, haunted by a pair of beautiful shadowy orbs. Blue specks had merged themselves with the grey resembling the thundering sky as the storm brewed behind.
Eventually in the silence of her room fatigue had overpowered her will to stay awake and soon the drooping eyelids closed shut as she was whisked away to the land of dreams.
Morning arrived, bringing with it the melodious chirps of the sparrows perched on the balcony railing and the golden rays of the rising sun that peaked through her diaphanous curtains waking Meera up from her restless slumber.
She loved mornings and the gifts it came bearing, the freshness in the air that filled her with positivity, optimism for a better day and hope for a new beginning. But today, dread filled her being.
For as she strolled down for breakfast, seated with her family at the breakfast table was the object of her affection and the reason for her misery.
She didn't know Dev had stayed behind. She'd thought he would've gone to visit his mother. But knowing Ayaansh, she was sure he wouldn't let Dev out of his sight soon.
Kabir was seated at the head of the table, peering over his newspaper and sipping his morning coffee. Adira was next to him buttering her toast. When Meera approached the table, her mother looked up and greeted her in her usual euphonious voice. "Good morning baccha. Slept well?"
"Morning Ma, Papa. Yes I did." Barely. The last word remained unspoken as she slipped beside Alvira. It was a good thing she did not get dark circles easily.
Her father just returned her greeting with an unfocused nod. Neither of them talked about his absence at the party.
Alvira was dozing off on the table. Seven a.m. was far too early for this nocturnal bird. Meera leaned in and whispered loudly, "Rise and shine sleepyhead."
Alvira jolted from her five-minute nap glaring at Meera who passed her a radiant smile having accomplished her task. "Your beam is giving me a headache."
"Good morning to you too, Alvi."
"Nothing about mornings are good." Alvira grumbled, rubbing her eyes drowsily stiffling a yawn.
Meera chortled but kept quiet. She did not point out that Alvira had a bad case of bed hair looking like a bird's nest or the fact that their mother was seconds away from snapping at her for drooling over the table.
Adira came behind Meera and placed a dish in front of her.
"I made you favourite, today," she said with a smile.
When Meera peaked down it was very hard to look grateful and not scrunch her nose.
Her mother had made waffles. Meera tried not to grimace as she thanked her mother.
She heard someone cough and when she glanced forward, Dev was staring at her plate with his brows dipping in confusion.
He knew those were not her favourite. They were too sweet for her. If she had to choose one sweet dish she could have for breakfast it would've be pancakes, not waffles. Never waffles.
He tensed when he realised she had caught his staring and looked away.
Alvira took one glance at her plate and exclaimed, "Oh, waffles! Can I have some?"
"Sure," Meera extended the plate towards her.
When her eyes went back to Dev, he gripped his fork tightly between his fingers and his wyes fixed on his oh so interesting white ceramic bowl of cereals, promptly ignoring her.
He hadn't even spared her a glance since she walked in, let alone speak a word. But she had seen him inconspicuously sit up straighter when she had entered the room and knew he had felt her presence before anyone else did.
It hurt that he wouldn't even look at her and even when accidentally his gaze did flicker to her once, he turned away so quickly as if she burnt him. It seemed like he'd rather be anywhere but here; where she was.
Meera sighed. Having lost her appetite, she stared at her breakfast in distaste but to not offend her mother, she gulped it down.
In the meantime, she heard the scrap of the chair in front of her move back before Dev stood up.
"I'm done."
That was the last he spoke to her.
********
A week had passed and Meera still had no clue what to make of her situation.
Dev had been ardently avoiding her since then while she tried to get him alone to talk about the confusing events. But every time they were in close proximity, he would either be with someone or if he was alone, he'd just leave.
Meera sat on her window seat, with a cup of hot coffee in her hand, staring out the window overlooking the garden on a warm winter morning.
Calming shades of green soothed her tired eyes as she let her mind wander to the boy who's behaviour had perplexed. When two human figures and a dog appeared on her line of sight, enjoying their time in the sun.
Dev and Ayaansh were playing catch with Bruno. She could hear them laughing and talking and Bruno's excited barks as he jumped everywhere with the ball.
But Meera's attention was on the aloof boy. He had removed his hoodie and was sweating under the glaring sun.
Dev was always lean but he had grown little more muscular now, though in a slender sort of way. She had felt them when they'd hugged. He was wearing a grey T-shirt; the tight ones that she liked, that fitted him and showing off his athletic body, just like those tennis players she admired secretly.
Flustered, she stared down on her coffee mug. Her heart beating faster.
She heard him laugh loudly, throwing his head back when Bruno rolled in the mud trying to chase a squirrel- it would be very difficult for Dev to scrub him later.
He appeared so carefree unlike how he had been on-guard around her all week. Ayaansh said something to which Dev flashed him the smile that she loved; that made her heart flutter.
She realised with a pang in her heart that she had missed his subtle yet soft and real smiles that were reserved only for her and that which, of late, had become a rarity. All the other times since he was back, his smiles did not reach his blank eyes. They did not make them glimmer with life or his face light up with joy.
Meera continued to watch them play while her hand came to rest on her collarbone. Her fingers played with the thin gold chain from which hung a small butterfly pendant.
Butterflies were a symbol of rebirth, hope, transformation and change. But for Meera, they signified a new beginning.
Meera had grown up listening to stories of white knights and fair maidens. Of love and happily ever afters. And she had dreamt of having something akin to that. Love in its purest form, undiluted like the first drops of rainwater touching the earth that will moisten the barren land of her heart and nurture the seedlings of hope.
But those were childish fantasies woven by her naïve heart. Wishful thinking. Over the years as she had matured, reality had overpowered her dreams, love became a concept long forgotten, those stories, just a fragment of her imagination and her hopes but crashed and burnt.
That was until she met him.
The boy who had set her ablaze with just a single glance of his. Whose grey eyes had swallowed her in when she had gazed into them, like the tumultuous ocean, the stormy seas, and she had never wanted to swim back up.
He came into her life at a time when she was sinking into the pit of darkness and he had entered into her life like a single streak of light, determined to brighten up her dark sky. He was her saving grace, her saviour
Meera was thirteen when she met Dev for the first time. She had been busy gardening when she had come across a strange boy who had been observing her for quite a while.
As she had laid her innocent doe eyes on the lean boy, with fair skin and light tan, hair as deep and rich as ebony and eyes, as grey as the prowling clouds in a thunderstorm, ready to cause havoc in her young, innocent heart; she couldn't believe that a fragment of her imagination had come to live, and at the time when she didn't even know what love meant, her heart had fallen for him.
"What's your name, butterfly?" He offered her a faint smile making his eyes shine brighter.
"Meera."
"And I'm Dev." He smiled and she had never seen anything so beautiful, it blinded her.
"It's nice to meet you, butterfly."
Later on asking, she found out that for the longest time as she had worked on her plants, a butterfly had been perched on her shoulder, which gave birth to her nickname.
And that name had stuck with them- It was special to her-Until now, when it was lost.
Meera sighed, sipping the warm drink to stop the shudders. She didn't wished to watch him laughing and enjoying anymore. It reminded her of the last time he had been this relaxed around her.
She would really like for them to go back to how it was but it was slowly downing on her that it might never be the same again.
Though, who's fault was that ultimately?
His, for losing control over his desires or hers, for letting them win?
********
Two months ago
It was one evening at the Mehra household. Ruhani, Dev's mother had invited them for dinner and Meera along with Ayaansh had arrived early.
Ayaansh had taken Bruno out for a run and Meera had wandered upon Dev in the kitchen, experimenting with a dish she couldn't even pronounce the name of. Wearing his mother's faded pink apron with obnoxiously vibrant flowers printed on them. She hid her amused grin behind her fist and slid onto the nearby chair. He was too engrossed in his work to notice.
The kitchen was in a disarray. Dev was a good cook but he was so clumsy that she would think thrice before lending him her kitchen, and the proof of that were the numerous ingredients scattered around the counter, the clutter of dirty utensils occupying the sink waiting to be washed and splashes of cream everywhere which would soon attract ants. Meera's hands itched to take a rag and start cleaning but refrained as it would only disturb him and instead focused her attention on him.
It was always a delight watching him in his element, his mien relaxed and calm amidst such chaos. His long eyelashes caressed the apple of his cheeks while his eyes were casted down. His slender, artistic fingers were wrapped around the handle of the whisk as he whipped the batter.
Suddenly, as though feeling her gaze on him, Dev finally looked up from his task, his scintillating crystal orbs gleamed with happiness like a million stars in the galaxy. She could distinctly make out the flecks of blue and greens splayed on the grey canvas.
"Hey there."
His plump full lips curled into an alluring smile which brightened his features and had her heart racing. The setting sun cast its orange hue as its faint rays illuminated one side of his face creating a beautifully immortal visage.
Dev was beautiful, in a way that would make the Gods envious. And with a light of a thousand suns, his arrival had lifted off the drought of darkness from her life and filled her world with colours of friendship and love.
She took her time, observing him as he worked. His tousled dark hair was falling on his forehead in soft waves that she wanted to brush off. There were smudges of chocolate on his slightly crooked nose and his cheeks her stained with flour which made her silently giggle. His white t-shirt was drenched in multicoloured syrups but even with a disheveled appearance he was perfect in her eyes and even his imperfections were endearing.
He went back to the task at hand and she never offered to help. They both knew she was hopeless in the kitchen just like her Papa. But she liked how Dev kept her engaged in conversations. These were the few minutes she got alone with him. She treasured them and the occasional smiles he threw her way that had her melting her like a candle.
One time he got distracted and accidentally spilled water on the slab. She winced and knowing how much she disliked the mess, he immediately started searching for the rag to clean it up and when she handed it over to him, his fingers brushed with hers in the lightest of the butterfly touch and he let his linger for a moment longer as her breath hitched before taking the away cloth.
"Better?" Amusement flashed in his eyes and his lips stretched to a light smirk as she couldn't speak but grinned sheepishly. Strange emotions were slipping away, grazing at the protective walls begging to be let out but she pushed them aside.
"So, I've been preparing for this competition for over a year now but it keeps getting postponed again and again. First the chief guest cancelled and then because of some funding problem. And my instructor won't let me practice another dance until this event is over lest I forget my moves. At this point I could perform this dance in my sleep and I'm so tired of- I'm rambling, aren't I?"
In her frustration, Meera had rambled on about some random dance competition which Dev probably had no idea about. Not used to being this wordy, her cheeks flared up and she face palmed herself. "You could've stopped me."
Usually when she spoke at length about something this inconsequential someone always interrupted her before she could bore them. But not him. He was holding onto her every word as if they meant more than they were worth.
Dev tilted his head and jutted his chin. "Why should I have?"
When she caught his eyes, he was beholding her with such adoration and that it stole her breath away. He held her eyes staring into them with the intensity of a man trying to decipher something and was regarding her in an entirely new light, much like she was. Warmth spread inside her.
It didn't matter who leaned in first. She was in a daze. As he drew closer, she leaned in too. Until they were gazing at each other, their faces inches apart. She could feel his minted breath fanning on her cheeks. Just a bit closer and they would touch in a way they had never before. The thought enticed her.
"Dev," she whispered, her voice unwilfully husky.
"Meera-"
He was the first one to snap out. There was wildness in his eyes as he jerked back, creating an ocean of distance between them.
The spell was broken.
It was a moment of revelation and another moment of euphoria as the realisation crept on her as swiftly as her heart picked its pace.
She was in love with Dev.
How? Why? When? Meera had no idea.
Years ago she had been stuck in a labyrinth trying to find a meaning of a word that did not fully exist, for there was no sane explanation to this phenomenon that could satisfy the rational brain.
For love in itself was multidimensional with too many layers and different aspects that would take a lifetime to uncover. It existed beyond the barriers of rationality and logic.
She understood now why her mother couldn't give her a definite answer, not because she didn't have any, but because some things were far too vast, too complex to be summarised in words. Because 'love', it wasn't just a word or a unidimensional emotion that could be defined. It was abstract.
She loved him not because his rich voice made her heart flutter or because his ephemeral glances made butterflies erupt in her stomach. She didn't love him because a single touch of his could send shivers down her spine or because she felt complete when he made her feel special. And she most certainly did not love him because he was the most beautiful man she had ever laid her eyes on or because he was the shining moon in her sky without whom she'd be lost in the shadows forever.
She loved him simply because it was him. Her Dev. With all his flaws and imperfections that made him who he was. Because true love needed no reason to be. Him being was enough.
The epiphany wasn't too sudden but it still shocked her. Maybe because in the corner of her heart, she had always known but she'd not been true to herself by denying it again and again.
Because the stakes had been too high. The friendship she had built with Dev over time was too precious to be lost because she couldn't keep her feelings at bay. And her brother, their already fragile relationship that was hanging by a thread would come to an end.
Now though, at this moment, when the emotions were too strong to ignore, she had to surrendered.
And one day she would have to share this secret with him. But for now she tucked it away in as she watched him stagger back and fly out of the room, leaving her frozen behind, until it they were both ready for the truth.
A line was crossed. One, they could never return from.
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