I hardly remember what Himeno and I said when we were reunited. In fact, I can't even remember what she was wearing. That's how agitated I was; I just talked and talked without thinking about any of it.
It didn't matter what we discussed. As long as I said something and she replied, that was enough.
She hadn't come to watch the festival, apparently. She was here for business and happened to stop her car near the shrine, and she was walking by when she saw it. I asked her what job she was doing, but she avoided the question. She only told me that it involved dealing with people.
"I'd like to talk more, but I have to be up early tomorrow," she said with reservation, so I asked if she wanted to get a drink sometime in the near future.
Himeno agreed, but only if it was a meal instead, because she didn't drink alcohol.
We agreed to meet two nights from then and went our separate ways.
I was so full of bliss that I had completely forgotten about Miyagi.
"Good for you," she said. "I didn't foresee this happening."
"I didn't, either. It's too good to be true; it really is."
"Yes…I guess it truly does happen."
The next time I'd see Himeno was in two days. That would be the main event, I assumed.
I needed to make a variety of preparations before that point. When I got back to the apartment, I crossed off the bucket-list item about Himeno and was getting ready for bed when I said to Miyagi, "I have a bit of a strange request to make of you."
"I can't drink alcohol."
"It's not that. It's about tomorrow. If I'm going to meet Himeno, I want to take every precaution. Fortunately, it's in two days, so I have all of tomorrow to prepare. I want you to help me."
"Prepare what?"
"I don't think there's any point in keeping secrets from you, so I'll just be honest. In my twenty years of life, I've never had a proper relationship with a girl. If I hang out with Himeno, I'm afraid I might bore her or do something inappropriate. To reduce that possibility, I want to go out on the town tomorrow to practice."
Miyagi looked stunned. She froze for several seconds.
"So…if I'm not mistaken, you want me to play the role of Himeno?"
"That's right. Can you do that for me, Miyagi?"
"Well, I don't mind, but if that's what you're thinking, there are several fatal flaws with your plan."
"You mean that nobody but me can see you?"
"Exactly," she admitted.
"That's no big deal. I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters to me is leaving a good impression on Himeno. I don't care if everyone else thinks I'm weird—it'll be worth it if Himeno likes me even a little bit."
Miyagi sighed. "Whenever it comes to Himeno, you suddenly become a very different person… But there's another problem. As you know, I don't really understand what other girls my age think. I wouldn't expect very much from me as a replacement. What Himeno finds entertaining might be a turnoff to me; what Himeno finds boring might be a thrill to me; what Himeno finds rude might be a courtesy to me. There are so many ways we could be different. So if you're hoping I'll be a good sample of the average twenty-year-old—"
"You get really negative when the topic turns to yourself, don't you?" I interrupted. "It's not a problem. From what I can tell, you're not that different from any other girl. Except that you're a little bit more attractive."
"Well…if you don't mind…then I suppose it's all right," she said nervously.
I made an appointment at a hair salon in the morning and went out to buy clothes and shoes. I couldn't go to meet Himeno in my usual torn-up jeans and smudged sneakers. I found a curated shop with a tasteful selection, where I bought a Fred Perry polo shirt and chino pants with a matching belt, and at the shoe store, I got some chocolate-brown chukka boots, all on Miyagi's advice.
"You don't need any kind of specific fashion sense. As long as it looks clean and welcoming, that's enough."
"Is that akin to saying I've got a lot to work with?" I asked.
"Take it however you like."
"Fine. I will take it how I like. And what I like to hear is a compliment."
"You don't actually have to say it."
When I was done shopping, I headed to the salon plenty early for my appointment. As Miyagi advised me, I simply explained, "I'm meeting someone special tomorrow," and the stylist gave me a big grin and some practical advice as she enthusiastically cut my hair.
Without exaggeration, the new clothes and neat haircut made me look like a different person. My overgrown hair and outsized shirt had given me a much gloomier appearance than I realized. Now that they were gone, I looked like a handsome, appealing young man out of a pop video.
"You seem like a different person from who you were yesterday," Miyagi agreed.
"Yeah. I don't look like a guy whose life is worth ten thousand yen per year, do I?"
"No, you don't. You strike me as a person with a happy future ahead of you."
"Thanks. If you smile more often, you'd look like a library fairy, Miyagi."
"…You really are in a good mood today."
"I guess so."
"What exactly is a 'library fairy' anyway?"
"A woman who's intellectual and graceful."
"You're going to say that to Himeno, too, aren't you?"
"No, her good qualities are completely different. I'm talking about you, Miyagi."
Her face froze, and she said "Thank you" with a little dip of her head. "Anyway, both you and I are worth essentially nothing."
"It's strange, isn't it?" I said.
We were having this conversation in an Italian restaurant off the main street, so naturally, it appeared as if I was speaking to myself. A middle-aged couple at the next table kept sneaking looks at me and whispering.
After we ate, we slipped away from the street and went down some stairs near the bridge so we could walk along the riverbank. I was so elated and buzzed from drinking that I grabbed Miyagi's hand and swung my arms as we walked. She seemed bothered by this but let me pull her along. Any witness would only see me, performing a funny walk, but I didn't care. I was never going to be one of the normal ones. It felt much better to go full bore in the other direction and become an eccentric.
"Go on, Mr. Drunken Kusunoki. Think of me as Himeno and try to seduce me," said Miyagi smugly. She seemed to have gotten used to my holding her hand.
I abruptly stopped and stared directly into her eyes. "The greatest thing that ever happened to me was meeting you. And the worst thing was you leaving… Depending on your response, this moment will either be my new best or my new worst."
"I'm amazed you can fire off such a longwinded pick-up line so quickly."
"What do you think Himeno will say?"
"Let's see. If I were Himeno," said Miyagi, putting a finger to her lips, "I think…I might say, 'What are you talking about?' and try to laugh it off."
"Okay. And if it were you?"
"…I don't know what you mean."
"I'm kidding. Don't worry about it," I said with a laugh.
"Is this what you're really like, Mr. Kusunoki? The type of person who jokes around?"
"I don't even know. I don't really trust words like personality and disposition and nature. They can all change with circumstances. In the long run, I think the way people actually differ is in which situations they are more likely to fall into. Everyone has this extreme belief in consistency of character, but I think it's a much shallower quality than most people like to think."
"I never expected you, of all people, would say such a thing."
"Everyone likes to assume they're the exception when it comes to these depressing things, even when it's common."
Miyagi sighed and agreed. "I suppose that's true."
When we tired of wandering around, we got on a bus at random. There were a few other passengers, but I ignored them and told Miyagi about my memories of Himeno. From there, we took another bus to an observation deck that was one of the few well-known date spots in town. About ten couples were there, arms around shoulders or even kissing. I continued my conversation with Miyagi. Strangely, I didn't feel any eyes on me. They were too absorbed in their own business to care.
"The first time I came to this place, Himeno was with me. At the top of those spiral steps, the railing near the peak of the deck is just the right height and width that kids want to climb on top of it. Himeno tried to get up there, but there was a little gap right between the railing, and she nearly fell straight down, all the way to the ground. If I hadn't been there to stop her, it really could have happened. She acted so intellectual, but she could be really careless about things like that. You had to keep an eye on her. I panicked and pulled her down, falling and scraping myself in the process. But she was strangely nice to me the rest of the day…"
I was speaking faster and faster, trying to brush aside my anxiety. Miyagi looked conflicted.
She knew quite a lot about me at this moment in time.
But there was something very important she hadn't said to me yet.
The observation deck was the perfect place to explain it, but Miyagi did not tell me.
Maybe she was just trying to allow me the best chance to dream.
❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖
The day of our meeting arrived. It was raining in the afternoon, and the train station was full of people holding umbrellas. I looked through the upstairs windows at the open space below, where all those umbrellas of different colors went different directions.
We were supposed to meet at five o'clock outside the bookstore, but ten minutes after, Himeno had not shown up. I told myself it was fine, not to panic. The rain was snarling the traffic, and unlike me, she had other stuff to do.
But I couldn't help but check my watch three times a minute.
Twenty minutes passed, which felt like an hour or two. Had either I or Himeno mistaken the proper meeting place? But she said "in front of the bookstore," and there was only one bookstore at this station. This had to be it.
At twenty-seven minutes, I was just about to leave and go search for Himeno when I saw her walking over and waving her hand. I was starting to wonder if she had only agreed to meet me as a socially acceptable way to get away from me that night, so the actual sight of her made me go weak with relief.
Even if I hadn't been waiting ten years for Himeno, I would've said her beauty was radiant. Every line and curve that made up her body seemed to be constructed to fit a perfect design and golden ratio. Nothing was in excess, and every part of her knew its role.
If I were a different person in a completely different situation, I'm sure I would have felt a strange tightness in my chest when I saw her. I knew she had left a huge hole in me that was impossible to fill. It was that feeling that said, "She'll never be mine…and doesn't that make my life a meaningless void?"
Fortunately for me, out of all the people around the station that day, I was the closest to her. The thought sent a thrill of joy deep into me.
"My bus was late from the rain," Himeno explained. "Sorry to keep you waiting. Let me buy you something."
"I'll hold it against you until later. Today was my idea, so forget about it, okay?"
I was aware that not only had my appearance changed, but so had my voice. It was about half an octave higher than usual, and to my surprise, it seemed to have found its natural range and was very pleasant to the ear.
"Hmm. So you're thinking about the next time, huh?" she said with feigned surprise as she looked me over.
"Yeah. And I'll make plans for the one after that, too."
"At least you're honest," she said with a chuckle.
That's exactly the sort of thing Himeno would say, I thought. She hadn't changed at all from the old days. When she was ten years old, she had the same sarcastic quips, buoyed by a kind of warmth in how she spoke.
We went through the tunnel and out into the street, where I opened my umbrella. Himeno slipped it out of my hand and held it between the two of us.
"You were always the one who forgot his umbrella, and you'd have to suffer under mine."
"That's right," I said and snatched it back from Himeno, then held it closer to her. "So we can do the opposite this time, right?"
"I see."
The two of us walked on, huddled under a single umbrella.
"By the way, what were you doing there the other day?" Himeno asked.
"I was looking for you," I replied.
"You liar," she said and punched my shoulder.
"It's true," I said, laughing.
I thought I was doing everything right.
My fondness for Himeno was coming through, and Himeno was returning the affection. I had no reason to doubt it.
I did not want to know what Himeno was truly thinking in her heart of hearts.
Now, let's check the answer.
We got to the restaurant, and I sat down across from Himeno. But as we talked, I made a terrible mistake. Strictly speaking, it might not have been a mistake. If I had the ability to repeat the scene over and over again, I would probably have chosen the same course of action each time. I didn't have any other option. And if my decision was a "mistake," then it wasn't one I made then. It had happened far earlier in time, well before it got to this point.
It was an error I'd committed over a long time, with great thoroughness.
But be that as it may, the "mistake" was exactly what ended up saving me.
And it also revealed to me exactly why Miyagi had been trying to convince me not to meet with Himeno.
After we ordered, I gave Himeno a very friendly, affectionate smile. She smiled back the same way. She took a drink from her glass of ice water and said, "I want to know what you've been doing for the last ten years, Kusunoki." I said, "No, I want to hear you first, Himeno," but she insisted, "You first."
"Well, it's not very interesting," I prefaced, then went on to explain middle and high school. It really was nothing to write home about. That in my second year of middle school, my grades began to slip. That my once-perfect memory lost its shine year after year. That while I went to the best high school in the area for advancing to higher education, I couldn't keep up after a while, and the college I was attending now was utterly average. That my parents complained that college was pointless unless it was famous, but I talked them into paying just the entrance fees and agreed to cover my own tuition and living expenses. That I hadn't even held a pencil since the winter when I was seventeen.
My story was over in less than five minutes. There was essentially nothing about my life that I wanted to talk about in greater depth than that.
"So you gave up art, huh? That's too bad… I liked your art, Kusunoki," Himeno said. It was a very different reaction from a certain other guy I knew. "You were always drawing," she continued. "You would have a completely neutral expression while you worked, but your work would be breathtakingly beautiful. I could never do that. I was always jealous."
"You never, ever said that even once, back in the day."
"I had too much of an inner rivalry with you. I didn't have any skills other than studying, so I didn't want to admit that you had abilities outside of getting good grades. You know…you probably didn't realize this, but I used to take your art home with me so I could stare at it," she said, a far-off look in her eyes.
"I felt that rivalry, too. We might have been equally good students, but at the time, you were always the one who shone and got complimented by the adults. I thought it wasn't fair that you were smart and pretty."
"I'm sure no one could have imagined I'd drop out of high school," Himeno said casually.
"Drop out?" I said, acting surprised.
"Oh, so you didn't know." She smiled, her brows drooping. "I figured it would have come up at a class reunion or something."
"I've never been to any elementary school reunions. I assumed you wouldn't be there anyway."
"Oh… Well, my story isn't that great, either…"
Himeno went on to explain her life up until she dropped out of school, although she omitted the bit about her giving birth that I'd heard from Miyagi. What she told me was essentially that she married an older boy who had already graduated, then rushed into quitting school, but they had their differences and eventually got divorced.
"Ultimately, I was still a kid," said Himeno, smiling awkwardly. "I was unable to accept certain things at face value and move onward from there. I couldn't stand anything being incomplete, so I just fundamentally ruined them instead. I don't think anything in my brain has changed since the summer I was ten years old and my family moved away from yours… I think I really was a smart kid, ten years ago. But it caused me to develop this weird arrogance that said I didn't need to grow any further. I still can't manage to move beyond who that dreaming little ten-year-old girl used to be. Even while everyone else is evolving around me."
She looked at her hands on the table like a hurt child.
"What about you, Kusunoki? I bet you've changed in the last ten years, haven't you?" she asked. I was starting to lose my cool.
"You're not the only one who couldn't grow," I insisted. "I've been stuck ever since the day we were separated. For years and years, I've lived a lonely existence without a real reason to go on. It's like the world only existed to let me down. Like I was half-dead the entire time. And then a few days ago…"
I knew what I was on the verge of saying. And I had an idea how it would strike Himeno. I knew full well what a foolish thing I was about to do.
But I couldn't stop myself.
"I sold my life span away. Just ten thousand yen for each year of it," I told her.
Confusion crossed Himeno's face, but I couldn't stem the emerging flood of words. I hurled out the tangled mess that was stopping up my brain.
I told her one thing after another. About the store that paid me for my life span. That I thought I'd get a few million yen per year, but it was only ten thousand, the lowest possible amount. That I gave up on the future and sold off all but three months of time. That I'd been plagued by an invisible monitor ever since.
I spoke and spoke, intending to gain her sympathy.
"Though you can't see her, Himeno, she's right over there, right now," I said, pointing at Miyagi. "She's here. Her name is Miyagi, and although she can be kind of harsh, if you learn to talk to her, she's actually pretty sweet…"
"Listen, Kusunoki," Himeno said apologetically, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but—you do realize how completely unreal this all sounds, right?"
"Yeah, I know exactly how ridiculous it is."
"Good, because it is. And yet, Kusunoki…I can't bring myself to think you're lying to me. Including the part about only having a short time left to live and a girl monitoring you nearby. We've known each other for years, so I would know right away if you were trying to deceive me. It's hard to believe your story, but I can do it. I can believe you sold your life away for money."
It's almost impossible for me to describe the joy I felt in that moment.
"I feel bad for holding back on this…but to tell the truth, there's something I hid from you, too," Himeno said, clearing her throat. She pressed her handkerchief to her mouth and stood up.
"Excuse me. Let's talk more about this after we're done eating," she said, then walked away.
In my ignorance, I thought she was heading to the bathroom to fix her makeup. Our food arrived, and I waited for Himeno to return. I couldn't wait to resume our conversation.
Himeno did not return.
She was taking so long, I started to worry she might have gotten light-headed and fainted. I asked Miyagi, "Do you mind going to look in the women's bathroom? I think something might have happened to Himeno."
Miyagi nodded and walked off.
She came back a few minutes later and told me Himeno was gone.
I stood up and did a sweep of the restaurant, but I didn't find her anywhere.
Then I gave up and returned to sit in front of my now-cold food. It felt as if all the strength was draining out of my body. Something heavy and unpleasant pulsed from the bottom of my stomach. My throat was bone-dry and slightly sore. I reached for my glass, but my eyes couldn't focus, and I spilled water on the tabletop.
Slowly, I ate my cold pasta.
After a while, Miyagi sat across from me.
She began to chow down on Himeno's pasta. "It's still good cold," she said.
I didn't say anything.
At the end of the meal, I still didn't know how the food tasted. I asked Miyagi, "Be honest with me. Why do you think Himeno walked out?"
Miyagi replied, "It's probably because she thought you were insane."
That was true, in a sense.
But the truth was a bit more complex, and Miyagi was aware of that.
She hid the answer. For my sake.
I paid at the register and was leaving the restaurant when someone called for me. I turned around to see the waiter handing me something.
"Your fellow guest asked me to give this to you."
It was a letter, something that appeared to have been ripped out of a small notebook.
I took my time and read the message.
By the end, I knew Miyagi had been lying to me the entire time.
"You knew about this all along, and you hid it from me?" I asked.
Miyagi did not look up. "I did. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize. You allowed me to dream of something nice for once."
If anyone should apologize, it was me. But I didn't have the energy left to admit my fault.
"And in my original life, the one I should have led, Himeno's goal would have been met. Isn't that right?"
"That's right," Miyagi said. "Himeno was going to do it right in front of you."
Just to get back at me.
To exorcise her years of hatred.
I looked at the letter again.
This is what it said.
To my one old friend,
The truth is, I was going to die while you watched.
I was going to have you wait at the bottom of that observation deck and fall right next to you.
You might not realize it, but I have always loathed you.
You never answered my cries for help, and yet now you show up out of the blue. I hate you.
Once I became irreplaceable to you, I was planning to die. Just to show you.
But I can see that the last ten years have driven you much more insane than me.
My revenge would have little point now.
Instead, I'm walking out of your life forever without a word.
Good-bye.
I hope your story about your life ending soon is true.
I'm such an idiot.
I'd been living all alone up to this point, just so I wouldn't have to feel this way.
I should have believed in my way of doing things to the bitter end.
When I reached the bridge outside the train station, I folded up Himeno's letter into a paper airplane and threw it toward the river, which gleamed in the light reflected off the buildings across the way. The plane floated in the air for a few moments until it touched the water and flowed away.
Then I pulled out the envelope of money I was planning to give to Himeno and handed the bills to people passing on the street, one at a time.
The reactions were varied. Some looked at me suspiciously; others grinned wickedly and thanked me, then ran off. Some refused the money flatly, and others asked for more.
"You can stop doing this now," said Miyagi, who had run out of patience and grabbed my sleeve.
"I'm not bothering anyone, am I?" I replied, brushing her hand away.
The envelope was empty in no time. Then I reached into my wallet for more. I passed out all the bills I had, down to the lowest thousand-yen notes.
Then, when I had no more money left to give away, I stood in the center of the flow of humanity.
People around me stared, annoyed that I was blocking the way.
I no longer had cash for a taxi or even a train ride back home, so I had no choice but to walk.
The rain started up. Miyagi pulled a blue folding umbrella out of her bag and opened it. I realized then that I'd forgotten mine in the restaurant, but I didn't care if I got drenched or caught a cold anymore.
"You're going to get wet," Miyagi said and lifted her umbrella higher. She probably meant for me to get under it.
"As you can see, I'm in a mood to be wet," I replied.
"Oh."
Then she closed the umbrella and returned it to her bag.
I walked in front, soaked to the bone, and Miyagi walked in the rear, also soaked to the bone.
"There's no need for you to walk in the rain."
"As you can see, I'm in a mood to be wet," she retorted.
Fine, then. Do whatever you like. I turned my back.
There was a bus stop with a decent amount of cover, so I got underneath to stay out of the rain. There was a street lamp curving directly overhead, flickering on and off as if it were having an epiphany.
As soon as I sat down, drowsiness stole over me. My mind wanted to sleep more than my body did.
It was probably only for a few minutes. With all the water, my body was freezing, and I woke back up.
Miyagi was asleep next to me. She had her arms around her knees, curling up as small as possible to conserve her body heat.
I pitied her, that she had to put up with this because of my idiotic actions. I got to my feet quietly, to avoid waking her, and wandered around until I found a lonely old community center. It wasn't all that clean, but there was power, and the front door and tatami room weren't locked.
Then I went back to the bench, picked up the sleeping Miyagi, and took her to the center.
She was a lighter sleeper than even me; of course she woke up.
But Miyagi pretended for me, all the way there.
The room had a strong tatami smell. There was a pile of cushions in the corner. Once I was sure they didn't have bugs, I set them out in a row on the floor and put Miyagi down on them. Then I did the same for myself and lay down next to her. Near the window was some insect-repelling incense that looked as if it had been placed there decades ago, so I lit it with my lighter.
The rain was our lullaby.
I started my usual habits before I went to sleep.
Against the back of my eyelids, I envisioned the best possible scenery.
From scratch, I built the world I wanted to live in.
I was free to imagine a time, perhaps the past or perhaps the future, full of memories that didn't exist, of some place I'd never been.
It was a practice I'd been doing ever since I was about five years old.
Perhaps this childish, fantastical habit was what prevented me from ever feeling as if I belonged.
But it was only by doing this that I could find some kind of compromise with the world.
When I woke up in the middle of the night, I was in the midst of a pleasant feeling, like the kind of hopeful dream you experience when you're in a dejected mood.
If it was just a dream, then it was a very embarrassing one.
And if it was real life, then I might as well be honest—it was the best thing I could ever hope for.
I heard someone walking across the tatami mats. When the person kneeled next to my head, I knew it was Miyagi from her scent. Even in the summer, she had a cool, crisp, clean smell, like a winter morning.
I didn't open my eyes. For whatever reason, I felt it was appropriate.
Gently, she placed her hand on my head and caressed it.
It was less than a minute in total, I think.
I thought she murmured something, but whatever it was, I couldn't hear it over the rain.
In my drowsy state, I wondered, How much has Miyagi's presence saved me? If she wasn't around, how desperate would I be feeling right now?
But that was all the more reason not to make things harder for her, I chided myself. She was here because it was her job. She was being kind to me because I was going to die soon. It had nothing to do with any affection for me as a person.
I couldn't let myself grasp at any more outlandish hopes. That would only drag her into misery with me. It would make her feel guiltier and make my death more unpleasant in retrospect.
I ought to behave myself and die. Go back to my meager life, self-contained and without hope for sharing it with any other human being. I would die in peace and quiet, like a cat. That was my silent decision.
The next morning, I woke to a dull and swampy heat. Outside the window, young children were performing the morning exercise routine they often did to the radio. Miyagi was already awake and tidying up the cushions as she hummed Nina Simone's "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free."
I was still feeling sleepy, but I couldn't stay here any longer.
"Let's go home," Miyagi said.
"Yeah," I replied.